how would you handle this ?

[TinkPinkPoem]

Also, she will have to pay for her insurance and car bills plus gas for her car. we cannot add her to our insurance until all of the custody issues have been finalized and she officially changes her address to ours. Then she will only be driving our cars locally if needed. We will get her to a friends house if the timing works around anything already planned. We will even pick her up with a set time, not with a "I'm ready now" call. Occasional movies with friends, we will give her some money, school dances and things like that, we will give her some money. Anything above and beyond ($70 concert tickets) is not happening. We will buy her all her clothes and things she needs to live.

When will she have time to work and make the money for her insurance, car bill and gas????

So she will have a social life and visit with her friends only if it is ok with your schedule and of course before 9:30?

I hope there is a way she can live some place else, with someone who doesn't treat her like a burden.

And I'm done.

 

[Mimi1965]

OP-did someting dramatic happen that caused change in custody?

It souds like you have a lot of changes going on that will effect everyone-good luck

 

[pyrxtc]

smooth

 

[pyrxtc]

plunk

 

[pyrxtc]

woosh

 

[Hannathy]

I was ready to walk away (sad that the DD can't ) but I have to ask one thing.

You say it is a give and Take, nothing is set in stone and what would you do.

Everyone in this long, long thread has told you that a 9:30 bedtime is crazy and unrealistic.

Are you willing to at least admit this fact and to work with your DD to set a more realistic one if you insist on having one at all?

How you answer this will speak volumes.

 

[Colleen27]

She also doesn't like that I told her that I expect her to eat something for breakfast instead of the nothing she eats now at her moms.

I told her I didn't think so and I'm sure her curfew would be much earlier than that on a school night. She will have a9:30 bedtime on school nights and 10:30 on Fri/Sat and have to be home by at least 10 if not earlier since she did JUST get her license and snow will be coming soon and black ice even earlier.

. She also noted yesterday that she planned on buying a laptop when she had enough money (with a car that needs repairs and insurance and all, I don't think it will be for a while anyways.) I know she doesn't realize that even if she bought it, she would not be allowed to use it upstairs and that her father and I would have full access to it to see what she is doing online. Also, if she wants to keep her Facebook, we need the password for random checks.

Going out on a school night late is a definite no. It is an hour away to boot.

If she isn't working and we have something family thing going on, then we expect her to participate , not go to her old town

I think the second hardest thing for her will be that she will be without a cell phone for a while.
.

Has she been in trouble at her moms? Is that the reason for the move? If not, a lot of this sounds really extreme for dealing with a 16 year old. You're talking about her losing her cell phone and Facebook - the two biggest ways she can keep in touch with her old friends - and setting a curfew and rules about family activities that sound like they'll pretty much keep her from visiting her old neighborhood at all. And a bedtime and micromanaging eating habits? She's much too old for that IMO.

You and your husband (and this SHOULD be coming from your husband, not from you - like it or not, coming from you it more likely than not comes off as "wicked stepmother") should be working on easing the transition, not putting the kid on immediate lockdown! Moving during high school is difficult under the best of circumstances, never mind moving to a new house with absolutely no age-appropriate freedoms or privileges and severely restricted access to old friends.

 

[okeydokey]

Mom does not want to pay anything. Or to help pay for anything in the future.



The insurance agent said that to add her to our policy her license needs to reflect our address. We have 3 cars on our insurance so she would be chief driver for one of them until she registers her car.

If you already have three cars, why does she need to register one of her own? Why can't she use the extra car to get a job or to go to see her friends?

 

[SpecialK]

Yes, DH did not have the rules and has now come to these rules for our kids. That should tell you what he thought of his lack of rules.

There is a middle ground between no rules and extreme rules. I think you need to find that middle ground.

Honestly, in reading your posts it does sound like you have a need to control everything and everyone in your environment.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Yes, DH did not have the rules and has now come to these rules for our kids. That should tell you what he thought of his lack of rules.

Actually, it doesn't tell me anything about what he thinks. It sounds like he may be another person to be controlled in your household.

Again (as has been asked of you many times), is there any history of any of the bad behavior issues mentioned? Otherwise, these over-the-top rules seem like punishment and simply a means to control what sounds like a good kid.

 

[Cinderella94]

It is around the schedule of the family. I am not telling my kids that they cannot go to gymnastics today because their sister wants to go to a friends house and we can't do both. She will have to wait til gymnastics is over. If she has an activity and my kids want to do something else, then they will have to wait as well. Activities happen at pretty much the same time every week. Plans can be made around them or not at all. I have to plan around them all to make sure they all get where they need to be and sometimes it is saying no to something one of them wants to do because the time is wrong.

I hope you realize that under these conditions, once you add in her 9:30 bedtime, you're setting her up to simply not have enough hours in the day to have a job.

 

[hentob]

And anyone who thinks that moving a 16 yr old in with you isn't going to cost a lot more, then I want some of what they are smoking.

If you are that concerned about money, sell your DVC.

I am sorry, you can backpedal all you want. I am pretty sure this child is not going to have a warm and cozy feeling in your home.

 

[Buckalew11]

he is home as often as work allows. he runs during lunchtime at work and in the morning on weekends before everyone is awake. It is one of the only things he does for himself. he leaves at 7 am and isn't home again til 7 pm and that is only if he is at his regular office plus he is on call 24/7 for work.

He very well may be home as often as work allows. However, he needs to carve out time for her. I know all about 7a to 7p and 7p to 7a too. I know all about on-call. And I know all about running too. I just think as resentful as you sound on this thread AND your previous threads, that you need him to spend time with this daughter. For heaven's sake, SHE needs him to spend time with her. Girls need their fathers. Period.

You've already talked about how his ex walked all over him and how he lets her walk all over him and how you resent that. Sorry, but I think he's attracted to that type person and you come across as very controlling. Seriously, I have never read a more disturbing thread from a step-parent on the DIS.

Your kids will need to bend and blend with her...not just her bending and blending in with them. She's the new kid in the home but it isn't HER fault.

Actually, I think the showering rule isn't a bad idea. It sounds like DSD is coming from a home where she wasn't competing with anyone for bathroom time in the morning, and she's used to "just in time" showering. When you're sharing a bathroom, you need to work out a schedule so everybody doesn't think they can have the shower exactly 30 minutes before the bus gets there. But it can't be "Since DD is used to showering at 7:30, you'll just have to get up earlier." Don't make her Cinderella. Let others adjust their schedules around her needs sometimes - I'm not seeing a lot of that in your plan.

I don't either. I don't think the OP sees it that way. HER families life is changing because this girl is moving in. They've never had a good relationship and the OP is preparing herself for the worst, looking for the worst.

This child is going to forget somethig in town for a project...it will be somethingto get used to. Saying "You'd better not forget because I'm not going back into town for it" is wrong right off the bat. I understand not going back--in time--but not right away. I hope she remembers everything all the time--but I would NOT be surprised if she forgets during adjusting to this change. *sigh*

Money is an issue when you read the old posts you can read where the OP says "we told her many times over that this was gonna cost us probably next years vacation" <--THIS when she was 12yo!!

Yeah, maybe having 4 kids will get in the way of the OP visiting Disney 4 times a year. Maybe staying concierge won't be able to happen for a couple years.

In TN if you have a DL you have to be on your parents' ins. I'm not sure how NH works but if that is the case, the DD has a license so she will have to have car ins. to drive. How will she pay for her ins. when she can't work? when is she going to have time to work? Whne will she have time to work where it does not screw up the OP's schedule or her other kid's schedule? I just don't understand how this is supposed to happen...let alone gas, repairs, and her own computer.

 

[allison443]

I will drive her back and forth to work for as long as it takes her to save up enough money. She is mostly looking for weekend work and not nights. Then, the time she needs to be there for work will come first for one of us parents and then they will join the rest of us if we have plans or just come back home. why have a car sitting in the parking lot when we could be using it at home.

Why would you need to be using it at home? you said you have three cars, plus she will be registering her car...only you, your dh and your stepdaughter drive. It sounds like you don't want her driving your cars.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

So far the weekends seem to be booked with gymnastics and other activities for the other kids and stepdaughter's job. These things require YOU to be the driver. Seems unrealistic to expect that she will be able to see her old friends much on the weekends, especially if she has to rely on you for transportation.

 

[PatsMom]

The insurance agent said that to add her to our policy her license needs to reflect our address. We have 3 cars on our insurance so she would be chief driver for one of them until she registers her car.

I would check again - talk to his supervisor if necessary. It can't work both ways - either she is a member of your household by being related by blood or she is not. If she is not, then all policies in NH have to cover non-owner operators if they are driving with the permission of the named insured. I am not licensed in property and casualty but got some exposure when I was doing my life and health.

 

[Hannathy]

She won't sign anything until DH agrees not to go for support and she gets her visitation schedule. I have told him he needs to do mediation or a lawyer but it's not happening.

You do realize the judge will ask your step daughter where she wants to live?

and if she goes to her Mom telling her how unreasonable and mean you are being to her , and yes you are being mean! do not be surprised that the Mom says "oh hell you may as well stay here after all these years it is only a bit more" and having an older teen who can drive and take care of herself really won't affect her single life style.
I know if I was the girl I would be begging with every ounce of my strength to stay with my Mom.

 

[pyrxtc]

whirl

 

[mjkacmom]

There is a middle ground between no rules and extreme rules. I think you need to find that middle ground.

Honestly, in reading your posts it does sound like you have a need to control everything and everyone in your environment.

Bingo! Being too strict is just as damaging as being too lenient.

 

[hentob]

. She also noted yesterday that she planned on buying a laptop when she had enough money (with a car that needs repairs and insurance and all, I don't think it will be for a while anyways.) I know she doesn't realize that even if she bought it, she would not be allowed to use it upstairs.

Why?

You have such disdain in your writing style when you post about this child