Desperately need parental advice!

[spima3]

I am at a loss, and way too emotionally involved to even think clearly.

I found out about 2 months ago that my DD19 was dating a 33 yr old guy, who was in jail from a protection from abuse violation. (She is almost 20 and she told us he was 24).

The previous boyfriend was a nice enough kid but working minimum wage jobs and sleeping on his friend's sofa. When dating him, she was going through a lot of money in gas driving him around and wasn't doing well in college. Many fights over that, as she was always broke and putting a lot of mileage on our car. I was glad when they broke up.

This guy started out as a "group" type of thing. Then they were going hiking and then she tells me she is dating him. He was working construction, and seemed nice enough. She was accepted in a selective program in college, and started in August. That is when we find out he is in jail, his age, and she had been lying about a lot of things.

Of course we didn't understand, the ex girlfriend was a trouble maker, (there is a child involved), and he is really sweet and doesn't deserve anything that is happening to him. With some research, the ex is a trouble maker and has had issues with the law herself.

DH told her she needed to concentrate on herself and she was not to see him or have contact with him again. He was too old for her and had too many issues, etc. She was not happy, but he was in prison and I kept a close watch on her to see how she was going to act.

She actually is doing very well in her program, and it's a tough one, she was going to school, going to work and occasionally meeting some friends.

Though some things I found when painting her room, she has been receiving letters from him via his mother, who keeps my daughter in the loop. She has also been visiting him in prison.

Today we had a big blow out. She doesn't see why we have a problem as she is doing well in school, and she should be able to date who she wants. He will be released soon, probation, and she is going to start seeing him again. And she doesn't care what we say.

We can forbid it all we want, but she will ignore us. My DH is "she is living in our house and will do as we say for now, or else". I don't want to lose my daughter, but I don't want her getting involved any further in this mess. I am so upset and don't know where to go from here.

How would you parents handle this?

 

[SLP958]

I am at a loss, and way too emotionally involved to even think clearly.

I found out about 2 months ago that my DD19 was dating a 33 yr old guy, who was in jail from a protection from abuse violation. (She is almost 20 and she told us he was 24).

The previous boyfriend was a nice enough kid but working minimum wage jobs and sleeping on his friend's sofa. When dating him, she was going through a lot of money in gas driving him around and wasn't doing well in college. Many fights over that, as she was always broke and putting a lot of mileage on our car. I was glad when they broke up.

This guy started out as a "group" type of thing. Then they were going hiking and then she tells me she is dating him. He was working construction, and seemed nice enough. She was accepted in a selective program in college, and started in August. That is when we find out he is in jail, his age, and she had been lying about a lot of things.

Of course we didn't understand, the ex girlfriend was a trouble maker, (there is a child involved), and he is really sweet and doesn't deserve anything that is happening to him. With some research, the ex is a trouble maker and has had issues with the law herself.

DH told her she needed to concentrate on herself and she was not to see him or have contact with him again. He was too old for her and had too many issues, etc. She was not happy, but he was in prison and I kept a close watch on her to see how she was going to act.

She actually is doing very well in her program, and it's a tough one, she was going to school, going to work and occasionally meeting some friends.

Though some things I found when painting her room, she has been receiving letters from him via his mother, who keeps my daughter in the loop. She has also been visiting him in prison.

Today we had a big blow out. She doesn't see why we have a problem as she is doing well in school, and she should be able to date who she wants. He will be released soon, probation, and she is going to start seeing him again. And she doesn't care what we say.

We can forbid it all we want, but she will ignore us. My DH is "she is living in our house and will do as we say for now, or else". I don't want to lose my daughter, but I don't want her getting involved any further in this mess. I am so upset and don't know where to go from here.

How would you parents handle this?

Oh wow. Tough situation.

My kids are still little so I have nothing but good hopes for you.

I know lots of these experienced parents will have some good POVs.

 

[aaarcher86]

I'd tell her if she decided to date him she'd need to move out. You don't get to live in the parents house and use the parents car and not have any rules. You want to do whatever you want? Fund your lifestyle yourself. I'm big on giving college aged kids more freedom, but dating a 33 year old felon (or whatever) is beyond ridiculous. Especially if she's racking up miles on your car and spending your money on gas (you didn't mention if she works). There's limits to the freedom when you live with your parents.

You're not going to lose your daughter. She'll grow up eventually.

 

[tink20]

As hard as it may be, I would not tell her she could not see him. She is an adult and can do as she pleases, plus it may make her want to move out. At least with her living with you, you can make sure she is okay, going to school and keep informed with what is going on. She may realize on her own that he is not right for her. Just be supportive and listen, be more of a friend to her. If you forbid it, she will keep you closed out and she may leave. But I would not be giving gas money to go see him. I would only be helping out with school. Good luck.

 

[lauradis]

I'd tell her if she decided to date him she'd need to move out. You don't get to live in the parents house and use the parents car and not have any rules. You want to do whatever you want? Fund your lifestyle yourself. I'm big on giving college aged kids more freedom, but dating a 33 year old felon (or whatever) is beyond ridiculous. Especially if she's racking up miles on your car and spending your money on gas (you didn't mention if she works). There's limits to the freedom when you live with your parents.

You're not going to lose your daughter. She'll grow up eventually.

If you go this way make sure to sit her down, not as child to parent but adult to adult.

No fighting, no screaming.

Simply tell her she is right, and as adults we all have decisions to make. She is free to do as she pleases, but your not going to pay for it. She will.

If she starts screaming and throwing a temper. Just explain calmly that you love her and she is always welcome in your house. You hope everything works out etc., but Her choice in this matter is unacceptable to you.

Yea your going to be the evil ones for awhile but Its your choice, that you are allow her to treat you this way or not.

Its call tough love for a reason.. so sorry dear.

 

[2Kds2K9]

Ugh, tough one. My first thought was his child. Is your DD ready to be a step mom and take on that responsibility? She needs to think about that. Don't think you can do much other than control the money. Only pay for school and only if she maintains good grades and lives at home. If she wants to move out and in with him, then she can pay for school. Set some rules with her, but not so tight that she goes running to him. We've all gone through our "bad boy " stage, but you need to gently guide her in the right direction. Sit and ask her if she really wants to get involved with the drama of the ex and his child. That will be a lifelong relationship and it does not sound good. Good luck!

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

Can you find out if she's putting money in his prison account or giving money to his mom? I'd keep a really close rein on that, and tell the guy's mom to get lost and leave your daughter alone. Kids, they're great, aren't they?

 

[Bluestars]

I think she will have to see his bad side for herself. It will probably happen sooner rather than later if she doesn't have to keep defending him. I would tell her that I love her, that I want to make sure she is always safe, and that I will be here whenever she needs to talk or has concerns. I would tell her that although I don't support the relationship, I don't want it to affect the relationship between the two of us.

Sometimes adult children need to figure things out for themselves. Forcing your will on them doesn't work out so well, even though you know better. If the guy is a jerk, she will figure it out and move on if she has the loving support of her family. If her family turns their backs on her, then who does she have to help her when things go wrong?

That's just my opinion.

 

[BigAlsGal]

I'd tell her if she decided to date him she'd need to move out. You don't get to live in the parents house and use the parents car and not have any rules. You want to do whatever you want? Fund your lifestyle yourself. I'm big on giving college aged kids more freedom, but dating a 33 year old felon (or whatever) is beyond ridiculous. Especially if she's racking up miles on your car and spending your money on gas (you didn't mention if she works). There's limits to the freedom when you live with your parents.

You're not going to lose your daughter. She'll grow up eventually.

100% agree! So sorry about your situation.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I'm not sure which way I would go. I kinda feel like I wouldn't want to draw a line in the sand that sends her living with him, yet. That said I can say for sure having had three of them I'd rather have 6 two year olds then one late teen/early twenty something. Ugh.

 

[Colleen27]

I would sit her down and talk to her, not as a child but one woman to another. Don't lecture, but bring up certain things that you see as red flags in this relationship - the tendency of abusers to continue abusing (and to blame their victims!), the impact this man's criminal record could have on her life if they become seriously involved in the long-term, the responsibility that comes with being a step-mother and the need to proceed slowly when it comes to meeting/getting to know his daughter, etc. And make it clear that your financial support is contingent on her continued academic performance. But after that, let it go. Watch for signs of abuse and let her know you're always available to talk, but treat her like the adult she is and allow her to make her own mistakes in her love life.

 

[kirstenb1]

Oh wow. Tough situation.

My kids are still little so I have nothing but good hopes for you.

I know lots of these experienced parents will have some good POVs.

I feel the same way! OP, my oldest is only 16, and though she's put us through the wringer, I don't have any experience to offer. I just wanted to give you a hug, and hope you get some good advice.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

Wait, he's in prison now?

Please tell her to,walk away. Not because of him being in jail, but he is nothing but trouble.

 

[sets14]

No advice, but lots of hugs. We have a similar situation in DH's family. His 25 year old sister has been dating a 40+ year old guy for a few years and now they live together. Same type of thing- dropped out of college, minimum wage job, live in a dump, sister has to have my MIL drive her around because they don't have reliable transportation. DH thinks this guy got her into drugs and alcohol way back when they first met.

What I can tell you is that my in-laws tactic has been to basically pretend it's not happening. They never mention the guy, like he doesn't exist. My MIL slips her money and basically supports her. She is not facing any type of consequence for her choices. My FIL just buries his head in the sand. Last thanksgiving, she came over for the whole weekend and stayed at their house all weekend with no sign or mention of the BF. It is just weird but I think it would be nipped if MIL would stop supporting it they was she is and let SIL face the consequences.

 

[tasha99]

I don't have a problem with the age difference, just with the felony. I'd talk to my daughter and tell her I was worried about this. Then I'd butt out but always be available to help. I think any forbidding would just make this guy more attractive.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I agree with what previous posters have said about sitting down and talking with her as adult-to-adult. Keep calm and stay with the facts--talk about your desire for her to do well in college so she can get a good job and support herself in the future, talk about how you will help with the college education as long as she still lives at home and keeps her grades up, bring up the red flags in the relationship very calmly (ex-wife and child who will always be in the picture, is she ready to be a stepmom, concerns that he is in prison, etc), let her know that you don't approve of the relationship but know you can't tell her who to date and that you will be there for her if she needs you. I would also let her know that he is not allowed in your house or car.

If she is using your car (you own it, pay insurance), I would set parameters on that--she can use the car to go to school and to work, but will have to find another way to go see him. (And I would let her know that you will be checking the mileage--if she objects remind her that it is your car and that she can always buy her own car or find other transportation to school/job). Let her start paying for the gas for the car--I would not fund this relationship at all. If it is her car that she bought and paid for and she pays the insurance, then you cannot tell her what to do with the car in terms of where she drives it or who is in it, but I would not be giving her gas money.

Hang in there. Hopefully she will see him for what he is before it is too late--pregnancy, abused, in trouble with the law. Be there for her so that she has a safe haven to come home to.

 

[jdb in AZ]

If you tell her the old "My way or the highway" you could easily push her right into his arms. Young adults love to make their own decisions and would rather listen to their hormones than parents. When our teenage son made stupid decisions we called it testosterone poisoning.

In a calmer moment, ask your DD what she admires about her dad, and tell her how you knew that he was "the one." If you just pictured your daughter rolling her eyes at the thought, have her choose another role model and ask her what she admires about him. Have her make a list of the attributes she wants in a husband. Then have her make a list of her prison friend's best qualities. If you don't think she'd do this list-making with you, perhaps a close, trusted friend/cousin around her own age could talk to her.

A friend's DD was going through something similar. The boy and girl were both top athletes at their college, both great kids, but the parents didn't feel he was right for her. The girl's big brother sat her down and had her make her lists. She broke up with the guy shortly afterward.

Sometimes these kids are in love with the idea of being in love and "rescuing" the bad boy. They're sure their love can mold the bad boy into Mr. Perfect. They're too inexperienced to realize that the right guy doesn't need to be changed -- he's already become the right guy before meeting the right girl.

Good luck!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yes. It's a tough situation.

She doesn't realize she's putting her future in jeopardy. Mixing with an abusive criminal isn't a good idea. The history is there. His ex is a criminal. A child is involved.

How long have they been seeing each other? It's weird the way his mother is involved giving her letters from him. How is she doing that? Does she visit her too? I hate to say it, but it sounds like she is really invested. I'm not sure anything you say or do will turn her away. Unless maybe you can reveal something she doesn't know or won't believe without proof.

I think I'd do some digging into this guy's history. Hire a PI or go through a website. Something. Find out exactly what he has done, what his ex has done. It sounds like he has a history of abuse. What kind of abuse? Was it his wife? Wife and child? What was the violation? I'd find out. I think I'd start there.

Good luck with this.

 

[lizabu]

I think she will have to see his bad side for herself. It will probably happen sooner rather than later if she doesn't have to keep defending him. I would tell her that I love her, that I want to make sure she is always safe, and that I will be here whenever she needs to talk or has concerns. I would tell her that although I don't support the relationship, I don't want it to affect the relationship between the two of us.

Sometimes adult children need to figure things out for themselves. Forcing your will on them doesn't work out so well, even though you know better. If the guy is a jerk, she will figure it out and move on if she has the loving support of her family. If her family turns their backs on her, then who does she have to help her when things go wrong?

That's just my opinion.

I agree with this. You forbid her to see him and suddenly in her mind he's Romeo and she's Juliette.

 

[spima3]

I want to thank everyone for their responses.

Yes, she is very invested in her life with the boyfriend and his family. She has only been dating him for a few months, so the quickness of this has been devestating.

She "knew" we would not like anything about this situation, which is why she lied about everything. On top of that, she treats everyone in this family like we are nothing.

If I ask her anything she mumbles and walks away, or just ignores me completely. She doesn't speak to her younger brother or sister either. My DH is old school and doesn't put up with stuff and will call her on it far more often than I do; she never interacts with him at all.

So she is rude, ingnorant, disrespectful, and I feel she knows she can't afford to live anywhere else so is only "tolerating" us because she has to live here until she gets her degree. She will have it by spring of 2016. Then she is out of here.

And I am very surprised at parents anymore. I can't believe his mother, who she speaks to often (yet DD won't give me the time of day), knows we don't want to encourage this relationship, yet supplies her the letters from prison and is encouraging. Your son is messed up so you encourage a relationship with a 19 yr old girl with her whole life in front of her?

I feel like we may have already lost her. I don't know how to get her back without giving in to her demands. She did tell me when he gets out he will be living two blocks from here, so very easy for her to see him.

She has always been so strong willed and was never an easy child, but she always seemed to have such a good head on her shoulders. And she would comment on the stupid things her friends did. This situation has thrown me.

My husband feels we can't win either way. We make demands on her, she resents us even more, and we let her see him, then she just keeps using us and getting herself in even deeper.