Would you stay or leave? long!

[Nettester]

If you are in a committed relationship with him, you may just want to open that up a little. You don't have to break up with him entirely. What if you tell him that you would like to consider yourselves "dating" but that you would like to be free to see other people. Not that you're going right out now and looking for someone else. But do you really want to commit yourself heart and soul to someone set in their ways, knowing you may both want different things for the future? Personally, I would not. Of course, he may not agree to taking your relationship down one step, and maybe that would end things altogether. But if it does, I think that means it's not meant to be.

 

[eagleoneoh]

If you are happy stay

 

[Wishing on a star]

If somebody were to just openly and honestly say "I don't want to live with you, ever..."
(which IMHO, is saying I want to keep getting what I want from you, forever, for free... Free from commitment, free from financial or legal responsibilities, FREE, period...

I would be like. "Okay, that's nice... BUH-BYE..."

But, the thing is, only YOU know what is right for you.

I do hope that you can come to some decision and clarity that will make you happy!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

It really strikes me that you used all caps when you wrote "... MAY want more in the future"
I am not sure what the all-cap emphasis means.
I am guessing you know that you do, eventually, want more.

What are you thinking and feeling about the prospects of growing old, alone.

 

[katie01]

If somebody were to just openly and honestly say "I don't want to live with you, ever..."
(which IMHO, is saying I want to keep getting what I want from you, forever, for free... Free from commitment, free from financial or legal responsibilities, FREE, period...

I would be like. "Okay, that's nice... BUH-BYE..."

But, the thing is, only YOU know what is right for you.

I do hope that you can come to some decision and clarity that will make you happy!!!

I think this sums it up best for me. Your relationship will pretty much be set up for him to make an easy exit when or if you get sick, or old, or need caring for. For me, the purpose of dating was to eventually find someone to marry and spend the rest of my life with, for better or for worse. If that's not what you want or need, and you are happy with the status quo, then there is no reason you should feel like you HAVE to end the relationship, but for me, it wouldn't work.

 

[MrsDuck]

I'd stay until you are unhappy unless you're 10000% sure you will want something more in the future. If you KNOW that you will for sure want more, I'd go.

Until you're sure though, I'd stay. If it were me? Yeah, I'd go.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Personally, that wouldn't be enough for me.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Personally, that wouldn't be enough for me.

I agree. I cannot fathom facing a life "alone" because the man I am emotionally tied to only ever wants a casual relationship with me. Do you want to always be in the same spot "just" dating? Don't you want a partner? Companion? What about when your kids have moved on - will you be content with just dating and going home alone afterwards?

 

[bookgirl]

Long-time dis'er here, but wants to remain anonmyous.

I have been with dbf for three years now. We are both happily divorced from prior spouses. I have two children livinf at home. He has no children.

We are compatible in so many ways. We communicate well and rarely argue. He fits 99% of what I wanted in a partner.

The issue I am having is that I MAY want more in 5-10 years ie: living together or marriage. This weekend we had a lengthy discussion and he is NOT open to living together in 5-10 years, or ever.

We have a good life and I enjoy my private time now, but I MAY want more in the future.

So finally-what would you? Would you stay in a loving, caring relationship knowing that it will never be more than what it currently is? As I stated above, I have been married and have children so those are not deal breakers for me.

I am really torn with ending it now. He is aware that I struggle with the possibility of leaving.

Why would you end it now if you MIGHT want something different in 5 years. I say if you are both happy with the status quo then you stay, IF and WHEN you decide you want something more talk again, if he still does not want to go to the next level then you decide whether or not to leave him.

Now if you are SURE you want to eventually take it to the next level then you might have a reason to look around, but a MAY want just sounds wishy washy and honestly for his sake you should leave.

 

[scrapquitler]

I agree. I cannot fathom facing a life "alone" because the man I am emotionally tied to only ever wants a casual relationship with me. Do you want to always be in the same spot "just" dating? Don't you want a partner? Companion? What about when your kids have moved on - will you be content with just dating and going home alone afterwards?

But she herself said that she "MAY" want to get married or live togethr. She's not even sure. If she's not sure, then why break it off now?

 

[Not_Sure]

I agree. I cannot fathom facing a life "alone" because the man I am emotionally tied to only ever wants a casual relationship with me. Do you want to always be in the same spot "just" dating? Don't you want a partner? Companion? What about when your kids have moved on - will you be content with just dating and going home alone afterwards?

You pretty much expressed what I was having trouble puttinf into words. First We already consider ourselves "partners" which is more fittingthan boyfriend/girlfriend. He is much older than I and will most likely be the one needing care (heavy smoker). But when my kids are gone ai do not want to be alone. While I enjoy my freedom and privacy now I do want to be able to spend 40+ years with one person.

I think I know I should probably leave sooner rather than later.

I apologize for the run on words. I am using an ipad and it will not let me back up to correct kistakes.

 

[jdb in AZ]

If you only spend birthdays and holidays together as a family, it doesn't sound like much of a partnership. Tell him you want to keep seeing him whenever, but since there's no plan for future commitment, then there's no reason to keep dating each other exclusively.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I think the OP said her boyfriend only sees her children on birthdays and holidays.

 

[wishesuponastar]

Long-time dis'er here, but wants to remain anonmyous.

I have been with dbf for three years now. We are both happily divorced from prior spouses. I have two children livinf at home. He has no children.

We are compatible in so many ways. We communicate well and rarely argue. He fits 99% of what I wanted in a partner.

The issue I am having is that I MAY want more in 5-10 years ie: living together or marriage. This weekend we had a lengthy discussion and he is NOT open to living together in 5-10 years, or ever.

We have a good life and I enjoy my private time now, but I MAY want more in the future.

So finally-what would you? Would you stay in a loving, caring relationship knowing that it will never be more than what it currently is? As I stated above, I have been married and have children so those are not deal breakers for me.

I am really torn with ending it now. He is aware that I struggle with the possibility of leaving.

 

[wishesuponastar]

Op here.
The kids are 9 and 16. So at least one will maybe still be at home ( I am not set in living together in 5 years, just somewhere down the line).

He has an ok relationship. We also live a good distance away so he only sees the, on holidays and birthdays. He asks about them often and has a fenuine interest in them

Thanks for all the responses. Just to clarify. He is pretty "set in his ways" and once he makes a decision he does not often move from it

 

[4under4]

How long before he retires? Being that you said he was older, I'm guessing that's not too far into the future (10-15 years?), which negates one of his main objections.

If you travel together, how are things then in terms of personal space? (Not trying to be nosy, just wondering if he is accommodating in short term situations).

Do you have a circle of friends/family/activities that can fill your life fairly well? My family lives far from me, and my circle of friends are all married. If I were in your position I would foresee a lot of evenings at home simply because of my social network. I don't mind being alone, but I can't see spending the majority of my time like that. Your situation may be different. BUT if yours is like mine, that seems pretty lonely.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

You're still living apart after 3 years & it will be at least 5-10 years before you MIGHT want more?

If this is an honest assessment of where you are, and he's good with status quo, I honestly wouldn't give it another thought.

 

[Art 1]

How could you leave someone you love who treats you right and you get along with.

 

[ols386]

If you are happy with the relationship as it is now, I'd stay in it.

Neither one of you knows what things will be like in 5-10 years.

So why leave a "good" thing?

 

[fly girl]

If you enjoy his company and the relationship 99% that's something to keep! Those don't come along often.

Sounds like you fear being an empty nester which is at least 9 years down the road. Why borrow trouble now when you have no idea what lies ahead?