Monatery Wedding Gift

LOL brides don't tell people what the wedding cost, but if there is a full cocktail hour with a raw bar, carving stations, passed hor d'oeuvres, and then a 5 course meal followed by a Venetian table, you know it was much more than $100 a plate (and I've never been to a wedding with plastic wear).
Unfortunately around me many caterers were like you have two choices: all plasticware including drink cups or pay a surcharge for glassware which included actual plates and actual silverware. I believe we paid a 14.5% surcharge for glassware/actual plates/actual silverware.

I'm sure venues that have catering included in the venue will be different.

I guess I wouldn't presume to figure out how much my plate costs and base my $$ on that. I mean how would you actual know?? That was more or less my point. I'm not saying the OP went and asked the bride "hey how much did you spend on me".

Using my experience as an example based on these comments you'd give me more money at the really nice country club that had their own catering included and was only $2,700 and give me less money at my actual venue which by itself was $4,500. You would be incorrect in your assumption of how much it actually cost per guest especially when you include things like open bar, tables and linens and chair covers and bows. It's all just too much to try and pin down a cost IMHO and base your gift on that.

Just because someone had their wedding at X doesn't mean I'm going to give them Y and conversely just because someone had their wedding at A doesn't mean I'm going to downgrade and only give them B.

In all seriousness I wouldn't think to recoup the costs from my wedding by wishing my guests would give me $$$$ vs $$.
 
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Unfortunately around me many caterers were like you have two choices: all plasticware including drink cups or pay a surcharge for glassware which included actual plates and actual silverware. I believe we paid a 14.5% surcharge for glassware/actual plates/actual silverware.

I'm sure venues that have catering included in the venue will be different.

I guess I wouldn't presume to figure out how much my plate costs and base my $$ on that. I mean how would you actual know?? That was more or less my point. I'm not saying the OP went and asked the bride "hey how much did you spend on me".

Using my experience as an example based on these comments you'd give me more money at the really nice country club that had their own catering included and was only $2,700 and give me less money at my actual venue which by itself was $4,500. You would be incorrect in your assumption of how much it actually cost per guest especially when you include things like open bar, tables and linens and chair covers and bows. It's all just too much to try and pin down a cost IMHO and base your gift on that.

Just because someone had their wedding at X doesn't mean I'm going to give them Y and conversely just because someone had their wedding at A doesn't mean I'm going to downgrade and only give them B.

In all seriousness I wouldn't think to recoup the costs from my wedding by wishing my guests would give me $$$$ vs $$.
It's really not like that. For me, I give about $150 pp, more if very close, less if not. I might give a little less in a $75 pp venue vs a $200 pp in a much nicer one. It would also depend on my financial situation. I'm not going to lie, when a friends' child has a celebration, such as a religious one, or graduation, there may or may not be a group text among the moms deciding how much to give.

There is a difference between a $10,000 wedding and a $50,000 wedding, and I can figure it out with a calculator.
 
People take this cover your plate thing way to literal. It was around when my parents got married in the 60's and I'm sure way longer that that.
It is just a guide...kids parties are around $20pp so the average gift from a kid is $20...sweet 16's/bar-bat mitvahs around $50 so the average gift from a kid is $50....weddings around $100 and up, so people tend to give at least $100 to $150 per person on average. No one calls the venue to get the cost per person. People who choose to have parties that are way over the average/norms do not expect people to give more.

Gifts are for the shower. No gift tables at weddings.

For a niece or nephew, I would probably give at least $500.

Also here on Long Island, there are tons of catering halls. Weddings tend to be more the same than different.
 
you will get many answers.... you need to ask local for what the customs are especially in the Philly area. For the most part NYC area which includes long island, North and Central NJ and most of CT weddings are VERY expensive and what is considered extravagant in other parts of the US is actually a cheaper wedding here... in this area the average price for food only in a NORMAL catering venue will be over 100 (buffet) a person and likely closer to 150 with an open bar and food that is served. This will not include DJ, Flowers, Cake, Favors, Church fees things you may consider for Bridge Groom only photographer, Limo and tuxedos. If you were to go extravagant you will pay a lot more than 150 a person for food only or if you wanted special items on your menu or at a higher end catering venue. Things change once you go to Sothern NJ and beyond and weddings in general become more in line what is done in other parts but as I have been told by people who lived near Philly is on the mid end but nothing like what is normal around here. So cover your plate and asking how much on a board with people from all over the US is a recipe for a long thread with a lot of different responses.... but anyone from the Philly area which there are will be your best advice... but if you were to ask me... I would have to say what is normal around here and that is 150 a person and up and that would likely not cover your plates. Truthfully weddings are not putting your self in debit it is paying forward or back... when you got married you got equal gifts from the parents or aunts or uncles etc of who is getting married and similar if you have kids and the person who's wedding your attending attends your child's wedding it will be the same..
 


It's really not like that. For me, I give about $150 pp, more if very close, less if not. I might give a little less in a $75 pp venue vs a $200 pp in a much nicer one. It would also depend on my financial situation. I'm not going to lie, when a friends' child has a celebration, such as a religious one, or graduation, there may or may not be a group text among the moms deciding how much to give.

There is a difference between a $10,000 wedding and a $50,000 wedding, and I can figure it out with a calculator.
I respect that it's not really like that for you my opinion just differs is all.
 
People take this cover your plate thing way to literal. It was around when my parents got married in the 60's and I'm sure way longer that that.
It is just a guide...kids parties are around $20pp so the average gift from a kid is $20...sweet 16's/bar-bat mitvahs around $50 so the average gift from a kid is $50....weddings around $100 and up, so people tend to give at least $100 to $150 per person on average. No one calls the venue to get the cost per person. People who choose to have parties that are way over the average/norms do not expect people to give more.

Gifts are for the shower. No gift tables at weddings.

For a niece or nephew, I would probably give at least $500.

Also here on Long Island, there are tons of catering halls. Weddings tend to be more the same than different.
You know the thing is by these comments people do actually figure at least an estimate on how much their presence at the wedding is costing. They look at the tables, they look at the type of food, they look at bar situation, et. That's pretty literal.
 
You know the thing is by these comments people do actually figure at least an estimate on how much their presence at the wedding is costing. They look at the tables, they look at the type of food, they look at bar situation, et. That's pretty literal.
They pretty much look at the venue. The banquet room where we had my mom's repast was $35 pp beer and wine, $50 pp open bar. That would be a pretty low budget wedding here. Weddings at bigger, more upscale venues average about $150 pp here, they are all pretty similar, cocktail hour, salad/pasta/entree/dessert courses (choice if beef/chicken/fish), and then there are over the top, with more expensive food/drinks, maybe live music, pianist during cocktail hour, fireworks... we are not talking the difference of a couple thousand dollars here, lamb chops vs. skewered chicken.
 


They pretty much look at the venue. The banquet room where we had my mom's repast was $35 pp beer and wine, $50 pp open bar. That would be a pretty low budget wedding here. Weddings at bigger, more upscale venues average about $150 pp here, they are all pretty similar, cocktail hour, salad/pasta/entree/dessert courses (choice if beef/chicken/fish), and then there are over the top, with more expensive food/drinks, maybe live music, pianist during cocktail hour, fireworks... we are not talking the difference of a couple thousand dollars here, lamb chops vs. skewered chicken.
Gotcha. Not my cup of tea for figuring out what I want to give the couple for their wedding but I get that others do that.
 
What is an appropriate amount? Is the underlining rule to cover your plate amount? Would the amount you give change for family members vs friends or coworkers? If you know how much your plate was going to be do you try to cover that amount?

Just trying to figure out an appropriate amount based on 3 guests....

I'm from the Philly suburbs and I had never heard of the 'cover your plate' concept until I got married and saw it on the wedding sites. From what I read somewhere it's more a North East of the country kind of thing to base your gift on that. I always felt it was based on your relationship to the couple, like any other gift. If you are friends/good acquaintances $50 - $100, really good friends/cousins/distant relative $100 - $200, some type of relation $200 - $500 (or sky's the limit based on your feelings or budget) I'm not sure there's any other party someone could throw where you'd consider giving an equal gift back to kind of 'pay' for yourself.

For my own wedding we held it in the city within the last 10 years with a mix of out-of-towners, suburbanites, and city proper guests. My gifts ranged from $0 - $500. $0 from one of my dad's friends who was out of work and told my dad he wasn't going to come cuz he couldn't buy a gift. We had to convince him that if that was really the only reason, don't be silly, come, we didn't invite people to get gifts - we invited people to celebrate and have fun. One of my co workers attended, we are good work friends, not really anything more than that and he gave $50 which I thought was totally appropriate given our relationship (as an aside, he grew up in Philadelphia proper). Most folks gave 100 - 200, including immediate family. The highest gift at $500 was from family from out of town that really couldn't afford it. We had told them to spend the money to get here that's our gift having them there and seeing everyone that we don't get to often. But it's not our place to play budget police so we felt it rude to not cash their check... and it bounced :( Which I'm sure was way more embarrassing then if they had given nothing at all. Most folks gave cash/check but a few bought things from the registry of value equal to the 100 - 200 range and shipped it to the house so we didn't have to worry about transporting it all back.

For our own nephew who's getting married soon, I think we're thinking of $200-300 but we're not sure cash or gift yet. They've got a couple pricey items on their registry we might pick one and have it shipped, or might give cash towards their honeymoon. We usually ask family what they prefer, and sometimes we get an answer of something totally not on their list :) And fortunately, so far we've been able to provide their wishes. So we'll see what he says (or if he's smart, what his fiancee says :P)
 
What is an appropriate amount? Is the underlining rule to cover your plate amount? Would the amount you give change for family members vs friends or coworkers? If you know how much your plate was going to be do you try to cover that amount?

Just trying to figure out an appropriate amount based on 3 guests....

Totally depends on location and local custom, as well as the relationship with the couple.

For perspective: we live in New England and I would not dream of giving less than $150 when DH and I attend a wedding.
 
My nephew is getting married this weekend. DH myself and DS are attending the wedding in Northern NJ. I went to the shower and gave a very nice gift. It's a very big and upscale wedding we are staying at the hotel afterwards we are also attending the rehearsal dinner since I have something to do in the wedding. I'm planning on giving $400 from the 3 of us. In October we are going to by Nieces wedding, They are having a nice wedding in PA but not an overly expensive one we aren't staying over since I have work the next day and I can't make the shower but purchased a more expensive gift. I haven't decided yet buy may give $300 for the 3 of us, we also haven't seen her in many years so I think it's also how close you are.
 
Hmmm... maybe I need to stop going to weddings, or else I must have a terrible reputation. We usually give $50 to friends (although at our ages, it's now the children of our friends who are getting married) and $100 to nieces/nephews. That's what we can afford, especially as we usually have to travel to get to these weddings.
 
Hmmm... maybe I need to stop going to weddings, or else I must have a terrible reputation. We usually give $50 to friends (although at our ages, it's now the children of our friends who are getting married) and $100 to nieces/nephews. That's what we can afford, especially as we usually have to travel to get to these weddings.
In my circle that's about right.
 
We live in California now, but our whole family, and most of our friends, have gotten married back in the North East (NY, PA), we give a minimum of $200, if we attend, and usually closer to $500, as it is a pretty big investment for us to fly across the country, so we tend to only go back for people we are very close with. If we don't attend, I usually purchase something in the $100-150 range off the registry to have sent to them. I usually see $$$ given at weddings, and physical gifts reserved for showers.
 
Hmmm... maybe I need to stop going to weddings, or else I must have a terrible reputation. We usually give $50 to friends (although at our ages, it's now the children of our friends who are getting married) and $100 to nieces/nephews. That's what we can afford, especially as we usually have to travel to get to these weddings.

Hopefully the people inviting you are doing so because they want you to be there for their wedding day, and not for the gift. Your taking the time and making the effort to be part of it is the more important gift.
 
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Ok we are attending the wedding, and my dh and son are doing readings at the church. So we will also be attending the rehearsal dinner the night before. the bridal couple reserved a block of rooms for any out of town family members so we will also be spending Friday and Saturday night at the hotel.

I have already attended the shower and I didn't skimp on a gift for that. But I don't really feel that should be taken into consideration when trying to figure out a monetary gift amount for a wedding. I know there really isn't a set amount for a wedding couple but we also don't want to be know as the cheap aunt and uncle either.

You obviously are close to the family.

Ds just got married right outside New Orleans in a big church Mass and reception with over 250 in attendance.

We had a similar arrangement with my sister-block of hotel rooms, she read at the wedding, she and her family drove in for eight hours, etc. I have no idea what she gave as a gift. Their presence at the wedding was gift enough.

And btw, there were 2 8 foot tables filled with gifts and cards at the reception. Ds and his bride had to add to their registry twice as the gifts kept getting shopped out. Only 1 bridal shower. So folks here in did bring gifts to the wedding and others were sent ahead.

Having said all that, for nieces and nephews we give at least $100 depending on what we can comfortably afford. We are recently in a place to afford a little more. But our families are close and we truly just want to share the occasion with them and they with us.

One of the best parts of the wedding was our immediate family gathering for an 'after party' in our hotel suite after the reception. We talked, laughed in comfortable clothes and ate leftover rehearsal dinner and wedding food. And the young cousins ages 8 to15 got to hang out with each other doing what they wanted.

For us family time is priceless.
 
So, my short answer for you is that I give anywhere between $50 and $250 depending on the couple and how close we are. Mostly due to me being a newlywed myself with limited funds and the fact that most weddings I'm invited to these days are for coworkers and old friends I barely see. In a couple of years when we are better off financially and a lot of my younger cousins start getting married, I'll probably start spending more. Since you're close enough to have family giving readings, I'd say you'd want to go higher.

My longer answer:

First off, obviously it depends on your financial situation, You are never obligated to give more than you're comfortable giving. : )

The "cover your plate" rule can be a good rule of thumb when you're really lost- like for a coworker you're just starting to get close to or a cousin who was your best friend years ago but you barely see now. I'm not old enough to have nieces and nephews getting married yet, but I'd say for me it would entirely depend on WHICH niece or nephew was getting married. For example, my husband hasn't spoken to any of his siblings in 3 years, so their kids would probably fall on the $50 end of things because we'd barely know them, if at all. Others would get much more if we knew them better.

For me personally, I only got married a year ago so I actually kept a spreadsheet of how much I got from each person. Since what's customary to give at weddings varies so much regionally, culturally, and generationally, it can be really tough to gauge what is appropriate to give for others' weddings. I don't want to give someone only $75 when they gave me $150 for my wedding (barring any significant difference in income levels, of course). I also don't want to make someone feel bad by giving double or triple what they were comfortable or could afford to give me. I have a list like this from my Bridal and Baby showers as well.

I do, however, take into consideration the financial need of the couple when deciding when to give more. For example, we had weddings for a few sets of friends last year. One couple had a sick child and had always been excellent friends to us, so we gave them more than we gave any of our other friends, ever.

If you're unsure, you could give a partial cash gift and a partial physical gift (like an ornament off Etsy or something). Additionally, at least in the area where I attend most weddings (Northeast US) giving a gift off the registry for the wedding that never got purchased isn't seen as odd, either. I've done this a few times for couples who already had a house (so didn't need $$ for down payment) but likely still needed help furnishing it.

At the end of the day it varies so much area to area and family to family that it's so hard to really tell you what's best in your circle, but I hope my post helps you!
 
What is an appropriate amount? Is the underlining rule to cover your plate amount? Would the amount you give change for family members vs friends or coworkers? If you know how much your plate was going to be do you try to cover that amount?

Just trying to figure out an appropriate amount based on 3 guests....
It all depends on location of wedding and relationship. We usually at least give the plate amount. Family we give a little bit extra. At our wedding, it was about $225 a plate. Most guests gave that but we had some give more and some give much less (someone gave us a box of chocolates that you get from wslgreens and a stuffed bear as a gift and someone else gave us a cutting board that may have been used since there were visible knife marks).
 
Sometimes it costs so much to attend the wedding, so who has much of a budget left to give that large a gift. Last wedding I attended (it was my niece's wedding and we are very close to her), it was about $1600 for the three of us to fly out, $400 for hotel for three nights (really reasonable for the nice place in that little town), $300 for suit for my son who didn't have anything to wear that would be appropriate, $200 for incidentals -- parking food, etc. during our three night visit, and that meant I just gave the couple $500. The couple just got $500 out of the $3000 I spent to attend. We attended the dinner after the rehearsal too and my niece had me as a scripture reader.

Family weddings are so much fun, and I'm glad we had the budget to go. But we didn't have the budget to be that generous after all of the other expenses. We lived the farthest away of all the people that attended FYI.
 
I live outside Philly and have attended weddings inside the city and outside. I just gave my niece $300 for her wedding in Disney which we attended.

Would I have given more if it didn't cost, so much to travel? maybe..

Definitely, the majority of wedding gifts are cash.
 

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