Another Family Issues Thread: Not Saying Thank You for a Gift

[FlightlessDuck]

I'll be honest there's a couple family members who send to us and we usually don't say or write a thank you card

We usually text or if we are already on the phone will say it then. But I've been looking to get into hand-written letters recently. Going old-school.

 

[mrsstats]

I am in agreement with the OP. Time to stop giving. I have the same issue with sending gifts to my out of area great nephews. They are young 6 and 8 at this point so I don't really expect them to pick up the phone and call. However, I would like for their mother to at least let me know that the gift has been received. Not much to ask. I will not sending the gifts because they can use what I send as she is trying to raise her kids on her own.

No for another view, I give to my neighbors kids and they are the ones who call and say thank you. And they have been doing that since they were 4. It is all in the parenting.

 

[Newcastle]

It is all in the parenting.

I agree with this one hundred percent!!

Sending hugs to the OP as I completely understand and sympathize with your frustration.

 

[andersonsc]

My SIL who handles MIL finances has put it out that she will not be sending any more birthday or Christmas checks from Grandma unless they send written thank yous by snail mail. We send her a group thank you at Christmas time, but my DS won't send a birthday one, so he is fine not getting her check. I think oldest DD will write one, not sure about younger DD. But it does burn me a bit that this is not coming from Grandma, but SIL, and only a written

Wow! My experiance with working with the elderly is family contact is a big deal to them. Even to my own mother in law- she is very independent and modern but her daughter just moved out of town so she is now alone with no family. Grandkids are grown and have moved away. Calls and texts mean so much to her now. She does text so grandkids contact her that way.

I have twins but they have always written separate thank you notes, even for joint gifts. They sent over 25 each hand written notes for graduation gifts. They werent thrilled to do it but knew it was proper manners.

Older people may not be on computers/phones like younger people So I dont think it's too much to send snail mail to them if that's what they prefer. I think your son's being a brat to refuse to write a note. He should write a note. Kids need to know u do nice things for others, esp grandmas that have been good to them. (I'm not saying you have to be nice just because family. If there is toxic family members, then get away from them!). Or make him send grandma a "thinking of you" note and not expect a gift from her. I've let my folks and in laws on fixed budgets know that they do not have to continue sending money to kids. Of course kids appreciate it but they will love grandparents weather they get gift or not. My mom has forgotten on occasion and that's been fine. Kids have been ok with it too.

Again, I am assuming here that grandma has been nice to kid over the years. Assuming grandma is not horrible person, etc. Even if little contact, he can still suck it up and write a thank you note.

 

[amberpi]

OP - you should have done it earlier. Your SIL sounds like a real...piece of work, yeah that's it. Good for you for standing up for yourself whenever that needed to be! It's never too late to cut toxic behavior out of your life.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I think your son's being a brat to refuse to write a note. He should write a note. Kids need to know u do nice things for others, esp grandmas that have been good to them. (I'm not saying you have to be nice just because family. If there is toxic family members, then get away from them!). Or make him send grandma a "thinking of you" note and not expect a gift from her.

Seriously?!? Grandma didn't request the thank you (she probably doesn't care). PP's SIL demanded a written thank you even though the gift came from Grandma. I wouldn't send a thank you I was demanded to send anyway! It isn't sincere!

Nor is forcing someone to send a "thinking of you note". It isn't sincere if it is forced. PP's SIL needs to mind her own business and let Grandma speak up if Grandma has an issue with it.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Gifts shouldn't come with demands.

I really don't do thank you notes. I thank people in person or make a phone call.

I'm debating on what DS should do for his graduation party since he won't be opening gifts/cards at the hall and there will be about 125-150 people. When we do a big party we always stand up and thank everyone for coming and how much we appreciate their presence. But I may have him do thank you notes. Or do a standard printed one and send them out but I've heard that's tacky and they should only be hand written. I can't keep up.

 

[amberpi]

Seriously?!? Grandma didn't request the thank you (she probably doesn't care). PP's SIL demanded a written thank you even though the gift came from Grandma. I wouldn't send a thank you I was demanded to send anyway! It isn't sincere!

Nor is forcing someone to send a "thinking of you note". It isn't sincere if it is forced. PP's SIL needs to mind her own business and let Grandma speak up if Grandma has an issue with it.

I value manners and thanking someone for a gift is important, but the manner in which is the gift is acknowledged is super controlling and controlling people shouldn't be kowtowed to. Wouldn't Grandma more enjoy a 5 minute chat than a 1 line written thank you?

 

[BLAZEY]

I was taught to always say thank you if the gift giver was present at the opening of the gift. If not, a letter of phone call was make to say thank you. DD8 does the same with text messages and I will usually send a photo of her opening the gift or of what she purchased with the gift card to the person who thought kindly enough of my child to take the time to send a gift.

 

[amberpi]

Gifts shouldn't come with demands.

I really don't do thank you notes. I thank people in person or make a phone call.

I'm debating on what DS should do for his graduation party since he won't be opening gifts/cards at the hall and there will be about 125-150 people. When we do a big party we always stand up and thank everyone for coming and how much we appreciate their presence. But I may have him do thank you notes. Or do a standard printed one and send them out but I've heard that's tacky and they should only be hand written. I can't keep up.

I know in those situations it's a slog to write the notes. You're looking at a good 5 hours to hand write that many. I think that printed ones are fine these days and I appreciate when I get them (especially for big events) if that's any help.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I know in those situations it's a slog to write the notes. You're looking at a good 5 hours to hand write that many. I think that printed ones are fine these days and I appreciate when I get them (especially for big events) if that's any help.

That’s last 3 weddings I’ve attended they did printed cards with a pic from their wedding. I loved them bc you get a pic of their wedding to put on the fridge.

 

[amberpi]

I was taught to always say thank you if the gift giver was present at the opening of the gift. If not, a letter of phone call was make to say thank you. DD8 does the same with text messages and I will usually send a photo of her opening the gift or of what she purchased with the gift card to the person who thought kindly enough of my child to take the time to send a gift.

MY SIL sends my folks and I pics of my darling and beloved nephew*TM playing with his presents, in his outfits, etc. We love them! That's a great way to say thank you!

 

[jrmasm]

Gifts shouldn't come with demands.

I really don't do thank you notes. I thank people in person or make a phone call.

I'm debating on what DS should do for his graduation party since he won't be opening gifts/cards at the hall and there will be about 125-150 people. When we do a big party we always stand up and thank everyone for coming and how much we appreciate their presence. But I may have him do thank you notes. Or do a standard printed one and send them out but I've heard that's tacky and they should only be hand written. I can't keep up.

For milestone occasions IMO, hand written thank you notes are a requirement. Graduations, weddings, baby showers for example.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For years, I have sent my nephews substantial Christmas and Birthday gifts ($100 for each occasion, per child). Never (and I mean NEVER) have their parents thanked me or even acknowledged that they received the gift. They are now pre-teens and I finally called it quits on the gift giving this Christmas. Why should I be sending gift cards equaling $200 and not be acknowledged?


Guess who emailed me this morning asking if “there was a misunderstanding”? Sister in Law wanted to know why I didn’t send gifts to her children this year


When I explained that I didn’t know if they were receiving them, she got all huffy and replied that I shouldn’t be sending gifts to receive a thank you note. No. I do not want a thank you note. Although one would be nice. Years and years of accepting a gift and not even muttering a “thank you” in a text or an email have taken its toll on my nerves. Call me spiteful. But I just couldn’t bring myself to send them this year.


Be brutally honest. Am I wrong to have stopped the gift giving? Do you have family members who accept gifts without saying “Thank you” or even acknowledging that they received it? Does it bother you?


And how about the nerve of her emailing me and asking why I didn’t send a gift?


I am fit to be tied this morning. Thank you for listening.

Wow. Just wow.

Not someone I would want to associate with that is for sure.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, if your dh is getting set off by that, it is time to back away from these people. They are toxic for you and your family.

THIS.... EXACTLY!!!!!

Your husband has not been onboard with this gift-giving... It is his family... the situation with these entitled people is-what-it-is...
And, against his wishes, you continue to send gifts?

OP, not only should you discontinue the gifts, immediately, without a second thought.
But, you need to take a closer look at why, against your husbands recommendations and wishes, you have continued with the gift-giving.

You need to be very very careful about how you approach your husband with this new development...
Think it thru very carefully.
The very first sentence to him should probably be, "You know, you were right, and I am NOT going to just go ahead and send these gifts ever again.... "

 

[amberpi]

For milestone occasions IMO, hand written thank you notes are a requirement. Graduations, weddings, baby showers for example.

I think if someone tried to thank me, the manner doesn't matter at all, they appreciated my gift and we're all good. Now if the guy I'm going out with tonight eats bread improperly, I'm out!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

For milestone occasions IMO, hand written thank you notes are a requirement. Graduations, weddings, baby showers for example.

See, and I love the pre printed ones with a picture. There's no winning.

 

[MamaBelle4]

See, and I love the pre printed ones with a picture. There's no winning.

Agreed.

As long as appreciation is expressed in some way, you're good in my opinion.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Amber, Yes, OMG, if he butters the whole roll!!!!
The horror!!!

 

[MamaBelle4]

Amber, Yes, OMG, if he butters the whole roll!!!!
The horror!!!

And then takes a bite and PUTS IT BACK ON HIS PLATE!