Another Family Issues Thread: Not Saying Thank You for a Gift

[hsmamato2]

I will say, when I see them, I do ask "Did you like the Starbucks card?" (they are always at Starbucks) or "What did you get good at Disney with the gift card?" They always answer. But never say thank you. I have always wondered if I would be out of place to explain that when someone gives you a gift you acknowledge it. I really thought this was common knowledge.

But you are right. I shouldn't be punishing 12 year olds. I feel guilty about that. I really do.

Maybe they will learn something from it. You really can't go through life and not know basic "Thank you" manners. Or can you?

Sorry I haven't read the entire thread.... but I don't consider not sending money gifts a punishment, it's a consequence of rudeness that they no longer get anything. This is rude,and lacking in basic manners and decency. I may be unpopular in my opinion, I don't try to punish anyone, I just don't bother wasting time or money or extra thought on a person who just doesn't care. I see no need for guilt at all.I prefer to shower gifts on people who will at least say 'thank you' (for caring enough about me to bother). I have some young relatives who have done this over the years,and I no longer send gifts to them. I've never heard if they even got them. SO I stopped wasting my time with that.That said, when were together, I will chat with them about things they like,and use that time (in person) to shop with them and maybe get them something they like. In person, they always say thank you,and that's plenty for me. But only in person from now on.

 

[aprilgail]

For our wedding we had picture thank you cards made but they were blank inside. Each person got a personalized thank you. We will be doing the same after our son's first birthday this weekend. Even if you just attend and don't give a gift you get a thank you for spending the day with us.

Exactly! I remember when I was pregnant I bought a bulk box of thank you cards to write out- My baby shower was in Oct, my job had another shower for me with work people, My daughter was born in Nov and everyone that came to see her in the hospital or at home brought a gift, then Christmas in Dec and her Christening in Jan- I wrote out over 100 thank you's in less than 4 months- but I made sure I thanked every single person that got her anything. There was plenty of down time to be able to get them out right away since I was not working for 2 months and just at home with the baby.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Wow, that was a pretty to-the-point email.

Yes it was. He said he was done playing games. She doesn't get subtle hints. And he was done.

Years of not thanking for shower gifts, birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, never reciprocating in the gift giving, etc. have finally built up. We were one of that last people that still gave her children gifts. She didn't even put two and two together that her rudeness may have caused this.

Now it has been spelled out for her.

 

[Wendy31]

I haven't read the entire thread, so maybe this has been touched on. I wouldn't necessarily blame the parents. You know how kids are; the parents might be hounding them to send a thank you note, but the kids don't do it. I know that as a parent myself, I have over the years had to do it myself, and just get the kid to sign their name, but that gets old pretty quick. It doesn't come naturally for them to send a thank you note immediately. I do, sometimes, have them call their grandparent to thank them. I hope that counts. It's just one more thing for me to have to manage, and honestly, I'm tapped out. I think this piece resonated with me http://www.scarymommy.com/never-write-me-a-thank-you-note/

Also, as a caring and loving aunt, you could do some persuasive "parenting", too. I will never forget getting an awesome gift one year from a grandparent. I loved it SO much, was so excited, I started to ask all sorts of questions, "Where did you get it?" "How much did it cost?" I was promptly put in my place and told that it wasn't polite to ask how much a gift cost. It had never occurred to me before that it wasn't a question to ask. Sometimes the best message a kid can get is one that comes from someone other than the parent.

Yes, well, except in that article, the author says, instead of a formal thank you card, the person can do this - "...give me a hug. I like hugs. Saying thanks in person is plenty. Shoot me a text if you have a second or give me a shout-out on Facebook. Let’s hang out at the park some afternoon when I need a break. Return the favor if possible one day, but never feel obligated."

And, in the OP's case, the sister-in-law has done exactly zero of those things in all the years that the OP & her husband have been doing things for the sister-in-law & giving gifts to the nieces & nephews.

All the excuses in the world can be given for reasons not to write a thank you card, & some of the excuses are possibly legitimate.

However, to never acknowledge a gift in any way is rude & thoughtless.

And, yes, I do think it's our job as parents to train our children to be gracious gift receivers.

 

[gotomu212]

UPDATE: Spoke with DH last night. Let him know what happened with SIL and email. He read the emails and actually seemed relieved that I have finally been pushed to the point that I realize this relationship with his sister and family is not worth the work I have invested in it.

He wrote her an email that was short and sweet. Basically said "You have never thanked anyone for a thing that has been given to you. Don't you realized that is wrong? You have some nerve asking where your kids' gifts are. We are not pandering to you any longer."

And that was that. We had a glass of wine and played Yahtzee with our kids. It was a nice evening and I went to bed feeling better than I did yesterday morning. Woke up expecting a retaliation email, but nothing. So hopefully it's all over now.

I don’t know that I’d be all that proud of the email he sent. It also seems very rude. You could have just said “we have been disappointed that we’ve never received a thank you for any of our gifts. It made us feel that our gifts weren’t appreciated so we decided to cut back this year.”

Between that and your husband screaming at his nephew...in my family it would never be okay to scream at a child- correct their behavior yes, scream to get away from us NEVER-it seems like a thank you card is the least of your worries.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Re: the post just above...
Wow.....

 

[Pink Partridge]

I don’t know that I’d be all that proud of the email he sent. It also seems very rude. You could have just said “we have been disappointed that we’ve never received a thank you for any of our gifts. It made us feel that our gifts weren’t appreciated so we decided to cut back this year.”

Why are you thinking I am proud? It was a direct email to a woman that has never said thank you for the multitude of gifts over the years. It was to a woman that has never sent my children a gift or has attended our parties empty handed, only to complain about the food served at the celebration. It was to a woman that asked where the Christmas gifts were this year. I think my husband could have been way ruder to his sister. But he wasn't.

Between that and your husband screaming at his nephew...in my family it would never be okay to scream at a child- correct their behavior yes, scream to get away from us NEVER-it seems like a thank you card is the least of your worries.

My husband bellowed "Leave this room now! Do not speak to her like that!" And nephew laughed and said "Well she does look cheap and her glasses aren't real".

I agree the screaming was wrong. We don't raise our voices often. My husband lost his cool because he was watching someone tell his daughter she looked cheap. But this is not a worry to me. He has never screamed before and it will never happen again. He truly felt embarrassed.

And if you read my initial post, I don't want a thank you card. I want some signal that you received our gift. That is all.

 

[Kellydelly]

I agree with stopping the gift train at this point. Do they really not ever get your kids gifts? It seems odd that you would continue to shower their kids with gifts if they never think of your children in return. I did not receive a thank you for the gifts I gave to the last three nieces and nephew that were married. Not one of the three. Wow. I personally do expect a thank you when I spend a chunk on your gift . I have four kids and better places to spend my money. This only makes me want to give cheaper and cheaper gifts. The first ones to get married are ruining it for the rest of them .

I do think that your husband probably started a war with his sister with that email he sent. He should have just let it lie after your interaction with her. I'm surprised he got involved, most men would have probably stayed out of it to keep the peace.

 

[DisneyHardin]

Exactly! I remember when I was pregnant I bought a bulk box of thank you cards to write out- My baby shower was in Oct, my job had another shower for me with work people, My daughter was born in Nov and everyone that came to see her in the hospital or at home brought a gift, then Christmas in Dec and her Christening in Jan- I wrote out over 100 thank you's in less than 4 months- but I made sure I thanked every single person that got her anything. There was plenty of down time to be able to get them out right away since I was not working for 2 months and just at home with the baby.

This sounds like me after we got married. I had 4 showers (divorced parents, so one on each side, one with DH's family and one at work) and our wedding had nearly 200 guests. I felt like all I did was write Thank You cards. They were appreciated though. My FIL's best friend commented to my MIL that he appreciated the thank you so much, especially how I thanked him for attending the wedding first and for the gift second.

 

[mummabear]

If you give gifts looking for thanks than they aren't gifts.

While thanks should be expected, they shouldn't be a requirement.

But your SIL asking if gifts weren't sent is incredibly rude.

I disagree, while I don’t give gifs for the reasons of getting a thank you. I think it is part of the social contract of recieving one.

I'm currently trying to decide if I should let my husbands Aunt know that one of the gifts she sent didn't arrive which is why she didn't get a thank you from my daughter. I don't want her to think my daughter is being lazy for not writing a thank you but the gift was lost someplace in the mail or stolen since it never arrived.

Yes, I think you should.
I had a similar situation when my 3rd child was born. My aunt had sent a gorgeous quilt when my first daughter was born, we sent a thank you. When my third was born we received another so I put a note with the thank you for that to let her know that we hadn’t received one for our 2nd, that I hadn’t thought anything of it at the time as it is common for people to send gifts for the first child only but that having received his one I am sure she had and I didn’t want her to think we hadn’t taken the time to send a thank you then.
My aunt had not let anyone know that something had been sent, or followed up to check so we didn’t know that something had not arrived.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I'm surprised he got involved, most men would have probably stayed out of it to keep the peace.

He is very protective of us (his immediate family). We come first at all times to him. He did not like how sister spoke to me in email. He got involved the minute he read what she wrote.

And to be honest, I have been not fair to him for years over this. He has encouraged me to stop sending gifts long ago to his sister's children. I did not take his suggestions into consideration. I wanted to save our relationship with his sister because she is his family and really nobody else bothers with her any more. I now realize it is not a relationship worth saving and I should have put my husband and his wishes first like he always does for me.

 

[mummabear]

@Pink Partridge I think you did the right thing.
I can understand why SIL (at least in her head) contacted since it was the first year a gift had not arrived.
But the balls to say you shouldn’t give gifts for the thanks.
My kids are 3,6 and 8. Boxing Day is when we start thank you notes, done within a week.
Day after their birthdays same deal.

DD3-I write her card, she draws a picture and attempts her name.
As they get older it moves to them writing the recipients name and their own name and telling me what they want to say, then to writing with help, DD8 does it all on her own.

For gift cards thy know to include telling the person what you used it for.

 

[amberpi]

This sounds like me after we got married. I had 4 showers (divorced parents, so one on each side, one with DH's family and one at work) and our wedding had nearly 200 guests. I felt like all I did was write Thank You cards. They were appreciated though. My FIL's best friend commented to my MIL that he appreciated the thank you so much, especially how I thanked him for attending the wedding first and for the gift second.

I still get PTSD when thinking about the thank you notes from my first wedding, like yours, 4 showers, bachlorette party, and even bigger wedding (in large part of my folks friends, which was fine). Second time, the wedding was half the size and only did a bachelorette party. I even got my ex to write a few of the notes that time. I wasn't smart enough to ask for help the first time!

 

[Christine]

I was fortunate after I got married. My husband was in the military so after our wedding, I quit my job and moved to where he was stationed. Since I was unemployed I had a lot of time on my hands. I did write personal thank yous to 200 guests. I had a list of all the gifts so if I could work it in, I thanked them specifically for the gift. I just feel it's the right thing to do. But my mother ingrained it in me since I could hold a crayon or talk on the phone. Now I feel edgy if I wait too long to thank someone. That said, even though I do personalize my thank yous, I am 100% fine with a standard thank card, text, email, etc.

 

[mummabear]

That’s last 3 weddings I’ve attended they did printed cards with a pic from their wedding. I loved them bc you get a pic of their wedding to put on the fridge.

In my opinion these sorts of thanks are only just better than no thanks at all.
Thank yous should be personalised.

For our wedding one of our photos was printed onto a postcard.

 

[EMom]

I don’t know that I’d be all that proud of the email he sent. It also seems very rude. You could have just said “we have been disappointed that we’ve never received a thank you for any of our gifts. It made us feel that our gifts weren’t appreciated so we decided to cut back this year.”

Between that and your husband screaming at his nephew...in my family it would never be okay to scream at a child- correct their behavior yes, scream to get away from us NEVER-it seems like a thank you card is the least of your worries.

I don't know....I thought his message was to the point and blunt, but the SIL doesn't seem to grasp subtle measures.

And if anyone, even a 12 year old, called my daughter cheap or said she looked cheap, they'd get an earful at whatever volume I wanted. That is beyond what I'd tolerate.

 

[luvsJack]

My goodness, a whole lot of drama over a thank you. To the point that you went to bed feeling better! I don’t worry that much about such stuff.

Now,I would have stopped the gifts a long time ago since they did not reciprocate for my kids. I would assume they did not want to exchange gifts and wouldn’t want to seem to be trying to force it.

The kids or your sil should at least acknowledge that they received the gift and a thank you would be great and common manners. I would have started calling a long time ago to just make sure they were received and hopefully make her realize. I certainly would not have let it get to the point of an argument between dh and his sister.

 

[gotomu212]

And if anyone, even a 12 year old, called my daughter cheap or said she looked cheap, they'd get an earful at whatever volume I wanted. That is beyond what I'd tolerate.

I hear you, if that happened in my family there would be a very immediate and very serious come to Jesus meeting with the kid and the parent, BUT we would never bellow or scream at someone else’s kid- especially family unless we were talking life and death. We expect adults to keep control even when upset.

Our family would have thought very badly of the kid who spoke like that, but that would have been overshadowed by any adult who lost it and screamed at a family event (and even the PP said her husband was embarrassed and I get that everyone has stuff they’ve done and really regretted).

I guess it just feels like this relationship has tons of toxic layers to it and this isn’t a simple forgotten thank you note.

 

[runwad]

My mom always said you can't be a lazy parent. Sure kids don't want to do things, but it's your job to make sure they do!

And ya I'd call my sisters up and say hey did Cindy get the gift card in the mail? Sister would say ya, oh didn't she call you, I told her to. Ya Cindy never did and neither did brother Bob. And then it would happen again the next year, and I'd call sister again, but you know her kids never wanted to listen to her either, and she's busy, one more thing for her to do, so she didn't push it. Well Auntie Runwad..you know the saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me! No more gifts for those kids.

And my kids I hound them until they make the call (we write thank you's for things like 1st communion, confirmation, graduation gifts, all other are calls). And now with texting, I mean come on how hard is it for a kid to text thanks? I no longer have to hound my kids, now that they all have cell phones, they text their thanks right away. I always told them you like people to go out of their way to send you a gift, you can go out of your way to show your gratitude and tell them thanks!

Come on people don't be lazy, teach your kids manners and common decency!!

 

[Sabeking]

OP it sounds like the lack of acknowledgement and the snide remark by the nephew may have been a long time coming for something confrontational to go down. Just based on what you have said the SIL sounds kind of narcissistic. I hope you all can move forward in peace but if your nephew was so rude to your daughter and your SIL laughed they will have their hands full soon enough in my opinion. His comment was not funny. I can only imagine what trouble his mouth may get him in later on with non family members.

I wanted to add when our dd’s started high school we bought them embossed stationary with their names on the cards. It has been a great gift. They use them for thank you’s, hello’s and missing you! I agree “thank you” is very important. In our business we have our sales people right personal thank you notes to our customers. My husband writes notes sometimes to other business leaders after a meeting. We have never heard anything but positive response from personal notes.