Am I being a jerk?

kellogla

Earning My Ears
Joined
Mar 27, 2010
Okay, I have loved Disney World for as long as I can remember and used to be able to go every few years. Always adult-only trips because my ex and I didn’t have children. Due to the divorce and health issues, it’s been at least 10 since my last trip. The person I am with now has a 9 yo son who he is only allowed to see every other weekend. I finally have my head above water and am considering a trip to Disney for my 50th Bday. When I mentioned it, my DH wants to try to bring his son also. DH has never been and wants his first time to be with his son. First, I would love to be able to bring him, just not for this trip. Why? Because of the problem and stress it will be with his ex. She will say no. Then she will say yes. And she will keep this up until the day before leaving. She hates my DH and she really enjoys drama. We cannot predict whether she will let him go or not. This has happened in the past and about 50-50 she will actually let him go. But now I feel awful about all of it, like the evil stepmother. Am I being selfish to want this? Should I just try to relax & hope she actually lets him go?
 
Okay, I have loved Disney World for as long as I can remember and used to be able to go every few years. Always adult-only trips because my ex and I didn’t have children. Due to the divorce and health issues, it’s been at least 10 since my last trip. The person I am with now has a 9 yo son who he is only allowed to see every other weekend. I finally have my head above water and am considering a trip to Disney for my 50th Bday. When I mentioned it, my DH wants to try to bring his son also. DH has never been and wants his first time to be with his son. First, I would love to be able to bring him, just not for this trip. Why? Because of the problem and stress it will be with his ex. She will say no. Then she will say yes. And she will keep this up until the day before leaving. She hates my DH and she really enjoys drama. We cannot predict whether she will let him go or not. This has happened in the past and about 50-50 she will actually let him go. But now I feel awful about all of it, like the evil stepmother. Am I being selfish to want this? Should I just try to relax & hope she actually lets him go?
Hm. Joined in 2010 and this is your first post? Longtime lurker, I guess?

Do they have a court ordered custody agreement? If Dad is entitled to take his son on vacation then I would go to court if necessary. It might also behoove your DH to sit down with his ex and try to figure out how they can get past the bitterness because your step son shouldn't be caught in the middle.

I wouldn't go without step son, to be honest. Your DH will feel guilty and unhappy and will likely make you unhappy as well. Not to mention how the child will feel.
 
If this is only because of the unpredictability of the mother, than no, you are being a realist. If this is because you are just used to going without kids, then yes, you are being a jerk. There is nothing more magical than going with a child who has never been.

I have had a number of friends go through a divorce and have the spouse cause havoc when it comes to custody and where they allow their children to go to. All I can tell you is that you need to have patience. Your husband is caught between a rock and a hard place. He is probably having to walk on eggshells with his ex-wife and make you happy at the same time. All while trying to be a good dad.
 


I say plan the trip as if your stepson can go, and then if he can't, it's on the mother, not you.

You still only need one room, so it won't change that part of the reservation. I'd look into trip insurance, in case it only ends up being to two of you, and I probably wouldn't book the dining plan, so your food budget is flexible. - But really, what mom doesn't want her kid to be able to go to Disney World? I have no doubt from your description that she'll be a drama queen about it, but in the end, I think she'll let him go.

When you marry someone with a child, they are part of the package. I hope you see it that way, and try to give this kid as great a first Disney experience as you once had.
 
Even if you take away the family drama I would still say no. If this is for your 50th than it should be a adult only trip for you and your husband. Also if he can't understand that than that's another issue. Just make sure you say maybe when he's older and has more say with his mom he can go. 13-14.
 


Okay, I have loved Disney World for as long as I can remember and used to be able to go every few years. Always adult-only trips because my ex and I didn’t have children. Due to the divorce and health issues, it’s been at least 10 since my last trip. The person I am with now has a 9 yo son who he is only allowed to see every other weekend. I finally have my head above water and am considering a trip to Disney for my 50th Bday. When I mentioned it, my DH wants to try to bring his son also. DH has never been and wants his first time to be with his son. First, I would love to be able to bring him, just not for this trip. Why? Because of the problem and stress it will be with his ex. She will say no. Then she will say yes. And she will keep this up until the day before leaving. She hates my DH and she really enjoys drama. We cannot predict whether she will let him go or not. This has happened in the past and about 50-50 she will actually let him go. But now I feel awful about all of it, like the evil stepmother. Am I being selfish to want this? Should I just try to relax & hope she actually lets him go?
You should invite the child.

1. I find it very hard to believe that the mother would not let the child go in the end, as his disappointment would be on her shoulders & would affect their relationship. "You wouldn't let me go to Disney World with Daddy." Uh uh. I don't see that happening.

2. You're this child's stepmother now, he's part of your family, and including him on your trip to Disney World would be a great way to build the bond between the three of you. By contrast, ignoring your husband's pleas to include his child in the trip is a great way to put some negativity into your marriage, even if it's unspoken. "She's more selfish than I thought..."

3. Doesn't your husband have a custody arrangement with his ex? I share custody with my son's father, and neither of us can forbid the other from traveling with our son during our own period of possession. That's a standard feature of custody agreements.
 
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Why did kids have to go? Me and my husband went alone for our first time and left our 7 yr old home with my parents. We had a blast. But people were very pushy about why we didn't bring him. I didn't care we promised him a trip dedicated to just him in 2 years. And this year we are going for his birthday and he will have an amazing trip!. Nothing wrong with a good ol adult vacation.
 
Even if you take away the family drama I would still say no. If this is for your 50th than it should be a adult only trip for you and your husband. Also if he can't understand that than that's another issue. Just make sure you say maybe when he's older and has more say with his mom he can go. 13-14.
By 13 or 14, a lot of boys are "too cool" to go to Disney World. This boy is 9, which is the perfect age.

It's hard to comprehend a parent advocating to someone to leave the child behind on the first family trip to Disney World. "Sorry, son, this one's for Mommy and Daddy. Maybe you can go in 4 or 5 years...."

How magical.
 
Why did kids have to go? Me and my husband went alone for our first time and left our 7 yr old home with my parents. We had a blast. But people were very pushy about why we didn't bring him. I didn't care we promised him a trip dedicated to just him in 2 years. And this year we are going for his birthday and he will have an amazing trip!. Nothing wrong with a good ol adult vacation.
Nothing wrong with that at all. It's just that this particular dad has said he wants his first trip to Disney to be with his son, and it's not an unreasonable request.
 
By 13 or 14, a lot of boys are "too cool" to go to Disney World. This boy is 9, which is the perfect age.

It's hard to imagine a parent advocating to someone to leave the child behind on the first family trip to Disney World. "Sorry, son, this one's for Mommy and Daddy. Maybe you can go in 4 or 5 years...."
Read my post above. Yes 9 is a good age but I don't know there money situation. Maybe they can do it next year.
 
There is no right or wrong I just wanted to give my 2 cents. She will do what's best for her and her husband. You literally can't plan a Disney trip for 2 than add a 3 last.min if the mother won't make up her mind. 180 for food and 60 for fp+.
 
Would two trips be within your budget?

I understand you wanting to a) have a 50th birthday celebration with just you and your SO. You are allowed to desire an adults only trip without feeling guilty about it. And b) a trip with no drama. It sounds like this ex knows exactly how to push everyone's buttons, and may even ramp things up if she knows this trip is centered around your birthday.

What would you choose if the ex was not in the picture? If you would still want an adults only trip, then tell that to your SO, and if finances allow it, perhaps suggest a different trip later for the three of you. A trip focused around a child is going to have a very different feel than one focused around the two of you. Explain to your DH how much it would mean to you to have some couple time with no distractions or obligations to anyone else.

If the thought of having a child along sounds like fun to you, then plan the trip anyway, assuming he can come. Ignore all the ex's shenanigans. Whenever she says, "No" just say, "Oh, ok, that's too bad. Maybe another time then." Chances are, she will allow it at the last minute, as you said. It isn't fair and it hurts her own child too, but some people really are that bitter and like to play games, unfortunately. Try to help your SO comes to terms with this expectation as well, so that he is prepared for either possibility and can enjoy the trip either way.

I would think twice about going to court over this, mostly because that would be drama times 10, which probably isn't what you want. I hope things work out for you!
 
You should invite the child.

1. I find it very hard to believe that the mother would not let the child go in the end, as his disappointment would be on her shoulders & would affect their relationship. "You wouldn't let me go to Disney World with Daddy." Uh uh. I don't see that happening.

2. You're this child's stepmother now, he's part of your family, and including him on your trip to Disney World would be a great way to build the bond between the three of you. By contrast, ignoring your husband's pleas to include his child in the trip is a great way to put some negativity into your marriage, even if it's unspoken. "She's more selfish than I thought..."

3. Doesn't your husband have a custody arrangement with his ex? I share custody with my son's father, and neither of us can forbid the other from traveling with our son during our own period of possession. That's a standard feature of custody agreements.


1. This has happened numerous times before. The most recent was a beach trip with my family that the day before she said he couldn't go. I have no idea what she told him, we did our best to explain without making her out to be completely evil. And no, there was no reason other than that was the way she felt that day. We had to cut the trip short to make DHs usually visitation.

2. Yes, again, I would love to take him, but there is always the issue of the mother.

3. Yes. The problem lies in the fact that we cannot keep going back and forth to court to enforce it, the divorce and the aftermath has already practically bankrupted him. I know that people talk about exes and there are 2 sides to every story. And when we first met, I just assumed he was still hurt and angry about the divorce. Then I met her. Then she threatened me. Then she walked into our house with her boyfriend and I had to call the police to get her to leave. We endure harassing texts and phone calls. The problem is that this is DHs stepson, but he was in the delivery room when the child was born so he views this child as his own. We have a custody agreement, but the court can nullify it at any time because he is not the birth father. It is complicated (absent and in jail birth father, mental illness, etc.), so we have to endure whatever she dishes out, unless she bars him from seeing DS completely and even then, the court has warned us that the agreement can be tossed..
 
Would two trips be within your budget?

I understand you wanting to a) have a 50th birthday celebration with just you and your SO. You are allowed to desire an adults only trip without feeling guilty about it. And b) a trip with no drama. It sounds like this ex knows exactly how to push everyone's buttons, and may even ramp things up if she knows this trip is centered around your birthday.

What would you choose if the ex was not in the picture? If you would still want an adults only trip, then tell that to your SO, and if finances allow it, perhaps suggest a different trip later for the three of you. A trip focused around a child is going to have a very different feel than one focused around the two of you. Explain to your DH how much it would mean to you to have some couple time with no distractions or obligations to anyone else.

If the thought of having a child along sounds like fun to you, then plan the trip anyway, assuming he can come. Ignore all the ex's shenanigans. Whenever she says, "No" just say, "Oh, ok, that's too bad. Maybe another time then." Chances are, she will allow it at the last minute, as you said. It isn't fair and it hurts her own child too, but some people really are that bitter and like to play games, unfortunately. Try to help your SO comes to terms with this expectation as well, so that he is prepared for either possibility and can enjoy the trip either way.

I would think twice about going to court over this, mostly because that would be drama times 10, which probably isn't what you want. I hope things work out for you!

Thank you, so much. Even if we end up trying to take DS, having someone say (a) helped me get through this. It's such a silly first world problem, but I felt terrible about the whole issue.
 
1. This has happened numerous times before. The most recent was a beach trip with my family that the day before she said he couldn't go. I have no idea what she told him, we did our best to explain without making her out to be completely evil. And no, there was no reason other than that was the way she felt that day. We had to cut the trip short to make DHs usually visitation.

2. Yes, again, I would love to take him, but there is always the issue of the mother.

3. Yes. The problem lies in the fact that we cannot keep going back and forth to court to enforce it, the divorce and the aftermath has already practically bankrupted him. I know that people talk about exes and there are 2 sides to every story. And when we first met, I just assumed he was still hurt and angry about the divorce. Then I met her. Then she threatened me. Then she walked into our house with her boyfriend and I had to call the police to get her to leave. We endure harassing texts and phone calls. The problem is that this is DHs stepson, but he was in the delivery room when the child was born so he views this child as his own. We have a custody agreement, but the court can nullify it at any time because he is not the birth father. It is complicated (absent and in jail birth father, mental illness, etc.), so we have to endure whatever she dishes out, unless she bars him from seeing DS completely and even then, the court has warned us that the agreement can be tossed..
I have booked trips to WDW where I wasn't sure that the 3rd party could actually come (& in the end, they didn't & that was okay.) That is what this situation calls for:

1. Book the trip for 3. FPs for 3, ADRs for 3, etc. If your stepson can't go in the end, you will still be able to do your ADRs with the 3rd person missing. I have experienced this myself (doing 2 ADRs per day at top restaurants) and it was never a problem.

2. Skip the dining plan, which doesn't save money, anyway.

3. It doesn't matter if one less person shows up at the resort.

The only thing you'll lose money on if your stepson doesn't go is park tickets & airline tickets. Your husband should take financial responsibility for those (if you split expenses in your marriage). If not, that's a relatively small price to pay for the peace of mind of having done the right thing.

And yes, it really is the right thing to do for your marriage, since your husband really wants his son included.
 
...Nothing wrong with a good ol adult vacation.

No, there's nothing wrong with an adult vacation. In fact, I think going someplace fancy and grown-up without kids sometimes is a good thing. But, to me, purposely planning an adults-only trip to such a "kid" destination and leaving the kid(s) out would feel like teasing.
 
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I don’t have any words of wisdom to share, but I just wanted to stop by to say I understand where you’re coming from and I’m sorry you’re stuck in this situation. I know you’ve gotten some mixed responses, but I can tell that you aren’t trying to be a jerk and really do want to include stepson if his mom lets you.

I’ve been part of some crazy custody arraignments not being biologically related that unfortunately didn’t turn out well in the long run. I also have seen friends with a written custody arraignment have their ex hold onto the kid violating custody agreement just so that the kid missed a family vacation with the other parent. I’ve seen how tough it was for her to have her ex try so hard to make her miserable even at the expense of their son. So I just want to say I’m sorry you and your husband have to go through this. It’s ashame some people can be so spiteful, but you are not alone and I wish you the best of luck. I don’t think you’re a jerk just stuck in a really tough situation with no easy answer.
 

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