Depressed

[kashzan]

Hi You All. so... My trip #31 is scheduled for January 11. I have been planning this for 1 year.
Our Disney trip is a major yearly event.
Anyway, my bff the person I have been going with for the past 31 years has become very ill.
Trip needs to be cancelled. Am I a horrible person to still want to go alone. He will still be in treatment when our trip dates come. He told me he does not want me to feel guilty about having fun while he is ill, but i do !!!
I try not to do anything that i usually do because I don't want him to feel bad. I know that is wron and I can not stop my life but...
Do you think it is ok in a few weeks to mention that I would like to not cancel, but I would like to still go alone.
I am so conflicted.

 

[GrumpySue]

Well, if the tables were turned and you were ill how would you feel if she went without you ??

 

[Domo]

Sounds like an awful situation

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think you should wait until you see how his treatment is going, etc., before making a decision to cancel or go by yourself.

 

[kashzan]

Thanks for your replies.
I would feel pretty bad if he went without me. I think I will wait before any decision will be made. I just want to do the right thing.

 

[smokeyblue]

If I was your friend, I would want you to go. I would be bummed that I couldn't go, but I would get a lot of satisfaction helping you plan, getting the play by play while you're there and hearing all about it when you got back.

 

[GrumpySue]

If I was your friend, I would want you to go. I would be bummed that I couldn't go, but I would get a lot of satisfaction helping you plan, getting the play by play while you're there and hearing all about it when you got back.

I agree with this too, what a tough situation. Is your friend counting on your help with his illness, or does he have other family/friends to look after him while you are away ?

 

[hopemax]

If you are needed by your BFF at home, cancel. Or treatment is going really rough, maybe your "fun" would be a harder pill to swallow. But if treatment is going well and he needs to just let the process of recovery play out... it might be a positive distraction for BFF to have daily texts, emails and photos, and live vicariously through your trip. Something else to think about than the daily grind of treatment, and a motivator that whatever setbacks he is facing now is not the end, and there is a great big beautiful tomorrow.

 

[clutter]

I'd wait to make a decision, because it would depend on the seriousness of his illness.

If there is a possibility that your friend could recover enough to go at a later date, either by feeling better enough to make a trek, or by getting cured, I'd make my decision based on that. I think I would prefer to do one of the following over going by myself: 1) go with my friend after he recuperates, 2) go with my friend one last time if there's a chance he could make the trip and this would be his last time 3) go by myself - and snapchat/facetime a bunch of it so my friend shares it.

 

[Domo]

Would you enjoy it without your friend, knowing they're not with you?

Can you get your money back or dates changed?

 

[cinnaminny]

So many questions? Can you refund your airline tickets if you have them? Could you wait a few weeks and go with him? Is it going to destroy your friendship if you go without him? Does he depend on you for care? If you shook a magic 8 Ball, it would say, "not enough information" lol

 

[low-key]

what kind of treatments ? If its chemo and he has cancer, shame on you

 

[kashzan]

what kind of treatments ? If its chemo and he has cancer, shame on you

Shame on me for what?????
Yes its chemo, yes i have been to every dr. appointment with him, yes I have sat thru his treatments with him, yes i have cleaned up his vomit, yes, i have stopped every thing i do to be with him, yes i have taken off from work to help him, yes yes yes to a million things.
Shame on you for judging me. How dare you!!!.

I will no longer post here if this is the kind of things that when asked for help, I receive.Again Low Key SHAME ON YOU FOR JUDGING

 

[design_mom]

Take a deep breath, Kashzan. Low-key was rude (although probably attempting to be funny), but you *asked* for judgement. When you post "Am I a terrible person if..." you open the door for someone to say 'yes.'

I don't think you're a terrible person to still go on the trip you've been planning/looking forward to. I definitely don't think you're terrible person for WANTING to go, whether you ultimately decide to go or not. I'm a little confused about the depth of your relationship with your BFF, if you're the one going to every doctor appointment, cleaning up his vomit, etc. Does he have any other people supporting him, or are you it?

If you are his main support structure and he needs you during that time, I'd be reluctant to go if it was me. Even if I went, I don't think I'd have fun. If he'd be fine without you because he has other people to help him, is encouraging you to go, and you still think you'd have fun without him, then go for it. You definitely sound like you could use some respite.

 

[LSUmiss]

What is the prognosis of his treatment? As someone who just lost someone to cancer, I wish I had just one more day with him everyday. I know they’ll never be enough time & most of us will always want just one more day. But, if I had taken a trip during his illness & lost the already too short time that I had with him, I would regret it. However, my dad had cancer (the first time) right after DH & I got married & we went to WDW. At that time, his prognosis was good & treatment was going fine.

 

[kashzan]

Thanks Design Mom. He is my best friend, partner for 25 years.
He has a large family and each one of them is willing to help .I do it for him because i want to do it. I dont begrudge anything I give up or will give up if it helps him thru this. The trip is something that has always been more for me than for him. He pretty much goes because I love it so. I have a few months to decide and maybe a miracle will happen and he will be able to travel.
as for low key, i think rude is an under statement cruel is more like it. and if that was an attempt to be funny, it is disgusting.

 

[DisneyHardin]

I would probably kind of take the cues from him. If he seems to truly want you go to ahead on the trip so he can live vicariously through you, then go, but if you sense that he is just saying for you to go ahead and go because he feels like it is what he should be saying, then I would cancel.

 

[kashzan]

I would probably kind of take the cues from him. If he seems to truly want you go to ahead on the trip so he can live vicariously through you, then go, but if you sense that he is just saying for you to go ahead and go because he feels like it is what he should be saying, then I would cancel.

Thanks , pretty much my train of thought.

 

[ronandannette]

Thanks for your replies.
I would feel pretty bad if he went without me. I think I will wait before any decision will be made. I just want to do the right thing.

Would you really? It seems he will feel worse thinking that you've missed out because of him. That's big of him, and although of course the decision is up to you, it's not wrong for you to honor his thoughtfulness by going if you want to.

One thing though - are you just very close friends or something more? I note in one of your posts you refer to yourselves as “partners”. That’s actually a bit of a game-changer, IMO. I wouldn’t leave town if my husband was gravely ill, nor would he leave me - not in a million years. My best friend, especially if she was surrounded by other supportive friends and family members - she could manage without me for a week.

 

[kashzan]

RONANDANNETTE , No we are not married, but joined at the hip for close to 25 years. In a million years I never thought I would even be thinking about taking a trip without him. I never in a million years would have thought he would get this dreaded disease. I cry every night and day that he has to go thru this, but I will do all i can to make sure he comes out a winner