Older teen/young adults and family vacations

[mickeyplanner08]

I'm frustrated with DD right now. We planned a weekend to visit my family later in June. We waited three weeks for her to choose between two weekends, and she finally chose. DH and DS took time off work. Now DD tells me that her boyfriend's family is going to their beach cottage that weekend and she doesn't want to go with us on our family weekend. Grrrrr. I'm not sure how to handle this one. She's heading into her sophomore year of college, and she's an adult. But, we provide 95% of her support. I don't love the boyfriend, so I know that is coloring my view. Anyone want to chime in and help me respond nicely when she gets home from work later?

 

[Disneylover99]

I'm frustrated with DD right now. We planned a weekend to visit my family later in June. We waited three weeks for her to choose between two weekends, and she finally chose. DH and DS took time off work. Now DD tells me that her boyfriend's family is going to their beach cottage that weekend and she doesn't want to go with us on our family weekend. Grrrrr. I'm not sure how to handle this one. She's heading into her sophomore year of college, and she's an adult. But, we provide 95% of her support. I don't love the boyfriend, so I know that is coloring my view. Anyone want to chime in and help me respond nicely when she gets home from work later?

I get your frustration, but that’s the way it goes. She’s an adult and she’s likely going to choose her boyfriend/friends over family, more and more.

I’d just let her know it’s her choice, but you’re disappointed because you’d already made plans together as a family. I wouldn’t expect her to change her plans, but at least you’d get your feelings out there.

 

[DawnM]

Honestly, the younger set are driving me crazy. All the last minute changes and "we will just do it if we can" thinking makes me NUTS.

Can you tell I have the same age group you do?

We are considering a trip to see some relatives this summer and honestly, I am not counting on my kids coming. It's ok. DH and I can have a nice trip up there. We may make our high schooler go, but not our college kids.

 

[mnrose]

I'd be very disappointed if my daughter did that to me. Not sure what I would do, except to say that it is "unacceptable" to do that to family. She was consulted in advance. She should NOT have accepted another invitation because she already had plans. Responsible adults DON'T do that. It's just not nice. I raised my kids to be NICE and to follow through on obligations, whether they want to or not.

Now, of course, you can't "make" her go. The snide momma in me would probably say "hey, I know I said I would pay your tuition/phone bill/apartment rent (whatever), but I changed my mind...I got a better offer for my money. So sorry about that."

We had a long discussion over spring break about NEXT year's spring break. Both my college kids have the SAME break (they did not this year), and we said "we want to go to San Francisco....are you in?" Answer from both was an excited "YES!" Once I book the airfare (which I have not done yet), it's a DONE deal, and they will be going or suffer my wrath, which might well include saying "too bad about that tuition bill." Is that fair? Probably not. But, neither is it "fair" to break commitments. Actions have consequences.

ETA: Would I for real not pay tuition? Probably not. I think my real life consequence would be to force the offending child to take the federally guaranteed student loan for remaining years. So far, their Dad and I have footed the entire bill, not wanting to saddle them with debt. If they respect us so little that they will make, and then break, commitments to the family, I would similarly say they are no longer entitled to the GIFT of a free college education.

 

[mickeyplanner08]

Part of me wonders if boyfriend knew his family plans all along and just waited until we made plans to let her know. It's highly annoying because we let her choose the weekend. That's probably what irritates me the most!

 

[mickeyplanner08]

I'd be very disappointed if my daughter did that to me. Not sure what I would do, except to say that it is "unacceptable" to do that to family. She was consulted in advance. She should NOT have accepted another invitation because she already had plans. Responsible adults DON'T do that. It's just not nice. I raised my kids to be NICE and to follow through on obligations, whether they want to or not.

Now, of course, you can't "make" her go. The snide momma in me would probably say "hey, I know I said I would pay your tuition/phone bill/apartment rent (whatever), but I changed my mind...I got a better offer for my money. So sorry about that."

YES! I love this response, but she will make the entire weekend miserable if we make her go with us. I hate that she has that kind of "power" in our family

 

[jerseygal]

If either of our sons did that, I would communicate that I am unhappy and disappointed that the rest of the family all coordinated their availablity and now the plan is changing. If she doesn’t attend, she is an adult to make her decisions, go and have fun.

 

[mnrose]

YES! I love this response, but she will make the entire weekend miserable if we make her go with us. I hate that she has that kind of "power" in our family

I've used this line (or similar) with my kids. It seems to get their attention. They don't LIKE it, of course, but they do start to see that it is UNREASONABLE for them to expect me to do everything for them all the time, while they are free to do whatever they want...all the while spending my money. For example, my son has been ordering (on line) lap top computers and returning them in quick succession because "they weren't what he wanted." I get that happening maybe ONCE but after that, do your research better! I told him that if ONE more computer shows up and is deemed "unacceptable," I'm locking his bank account (98% of which is money *I* put there...he gets an allowance for spending money at college, and he's saved it up). Yup. He's "free" to do what he wants, and I'm equally "free" to take actions I deem appropriate. Message received.

 

[L&Lfan]

I’d give her fair warning that she’s got one more year on my dime, then the funding’s cut and she’s on her own. I’ve got no time for ingrates. We call them “desgraciados “.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm frustrated with DD right now. We planned a weekend to visit my family later in June. We waited three weeks for her to choose between two weekends, and she finally chose. DH and DS took time off work. Now DD tells me that her boyfriend's family is going to their beach cottage that weekend and she doesn't want to go with us on our family weekend. Grrrrr. I'm not sure how to handle this one. She's heading into her sophomore year of college, and she's an adult. But, we provide 95% of her support. I don't love the boyfriend, so I know that is coloring my view. Anyone want to chime in and help me respond nicely when she gets home from work later?

You don't need to respond "nicely". She doesn't deserve nice. She deserves to know exactly how you feel and to begin learning that the way we treat people - including our parents - has relational consequences. I look back at my own youth and see what an over-grown brat I was in early adulthood; secure enough in my parent's affection and knowing I could get away with murder when it came to their feelings. I wish just once they would have called me out on my bull-crap; maybe I would have smartened up sooner.

I'd tell her in no uncertain terms exactly how this affects you both in terms of your disappointment and annoyance and any specific practical inconveniences it has caused, up to and including disrupting your DH & DS's work schedules. I'm not suggesting you turn it into a on-going feud; but letting her know your feelings very specifically is important. Then you can get into the discussion about maybe it's time for her to be out on her own supporting herself if she wants to operate completely without any sense of obligation to the family unit.

 

[shu24]

I have both a teen and a sophomore in college. I feel you. I would be clear that you expect her to go, and that she committed to the dates that SHE chose. Let her make up her own mind from there. I wouldn't be mean, but when I returned from the trip I would not be supporting her the 95% that you currently are if she chose to ignore her family obligation. The next time she asked for money I'd just be clear that if she is adult enough to not attend family trips, she is adult enough to pay more of her own way in life. I would wait until you returned from the trip, otherwise she will cause drama during your trip.

 

[neverlandsky]

Ok have fun. Yet if you ever change your mind, you & your boyfriend are still welcome always to come. Take this as a lesson learned. In the future you can’t make plans around her schedule anymore. It’s this date and this time. If she can make it, great. If not, maybe another time. Leave the ball in her court.

I have teens now. They don’t want to go everywhere with us. They have the option to opt out. Which majority of the time they do. Are we sad? Yeah, yet we understand this is the future of being empty nesters one day. Do we let them know we are sad? Nope.

The financial support is a separate issue here and should be discussed at another time. Just because you provide 95% of the support doesn’t automatically give you the right to force her or summon her to attend. If you feel it’s time to scale back in that department for her to gain financial independence, do so in phases. That way this doesn’t look like retaliation for not going on the family trip.

 

[ronandannette]

Ok have fun. Yet if you ever change your mind, you & your boyfriend are still welcome always to come. Take this as a lesson learned. In the future you can’t make plans around her schedule anymore. It’s this date and this time. If she can make it, great. If not, maybe another time. Leave the ball in her court.

I have teens now. They don’t want to go everywhere with us. They have the option to opt out. Which majority of the time they do. Are we sad? Yeah, yet we understand this is the future of being empty nesters one day. Do we let them know we are sad? Nope.

The financial support is a separate issue here and should be discussed at another time. Just because you provide 95% of the support doesn’t automatically give you the right to force her or summon her to attend. If you feel it’s time to scale back in that department for her to gain financial independence, do so in phases. That way this doesn’t look like retaliation for not going on the family trip.

The situation here is not the one your describing. She isn't "opting out", she's bailing on an obligation that was specifically organized around her convenience. The time to "opt out" would have been at the planning stages, which apparently she did not. Letting her off the hook and sucking up all the inconvenience and disappointment does not address the DD's character flaw of being unreliable, not true to her word and unacceptably cavalier with her parent's feelings.

 

[emer95]

I've used this line (or similar) with my kids. It seems to get their attention. They don't LIKE it, of course, but they do start to see that it is UNREASONABLE for them to expect me to do everything for them all the time, while they are free to do whatever they want...all the while spending my money. For example, my son has been ordering (on line) lap top computers and returning them in quick succession because "they weren't what he wanted." I get that happening maybe ONCE but after that, do your research better! I told him that if ONE more computer shows up and is deemed "unacceptable," I'm locking his bank account (98% of which is money *I* put there...he gets an allowance for spending money at college, and he's saved it up). Yup. He's "free" to do what he wants, and I'm equally "free" to take actions I deem appropriate. Message received.

Yes!!! We have an 18 year old and a 20 year old. Just last week I had that conversation with my younger one. Yep, she’s 18 and can do whatever she wants. Her Dad and I can do whatever we want, too. We’ve raised them and have given them everything they could ever need. Anything we do for them now is a bonus and can be taken away. Their lives are pretty cushy. We can make things very uncomfortable for them.

I DO NOT LOVE this parenting stage!!

 

[wenrob]

Well, she’s an adult, you can’t make her go. That said we’d be having a discussion about making and keeping commitments. Just because you’re family doesn’t mean she can just bail for a “better offer.” This is when she needs to learn to start making adult decisions. I wouldn’t force her but I’d make it known how disappointed I am that she’d do that to me and I’d let her know in no uncertain terms that I would no longer schedule family vacations etc. around her schedule. If she can’t honor the commitment she made you are no longer under any obligation to take her wants/needs about family trips under consideration. If there are any costs involved for her part of the trip I’d hand her a bill.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm frustrated with DD right now. We planned a weekend to visit my family later in June. We waited three weeks for her to choose between two weekends, and she finally chose. DH and DS took time off work. Now DD tells me that her boyfriend's family is going to their beach cottage that weekend and she doesn't want to go with us on our family weekend. Grrrrr. I'm not sure how to handle this one. She's heading into her sophomore year of college, and she's an adult. But, we provide 95% of her support. I don't love the boyfriend, so I know that is coloring my view. Anyone want to chime in and help me respond nicely when she gets home from work later?

I would tell her straight out that it's a real ****ty thing to do do the family that was expecting her to visit.
That being an adult means sticking to your commitments, even if something better comes along.
I'd also tell her that when we all get back from our weekends it's time to talk about the kind of support she is getting. I would not be supporting her excursions.

 

[aprilgail]

2nd year of college- you are lucky she went along with family vacations that long, by 2nd year of high school I was not longer going on family vacations that I didn't want to go on. Heck if I had to choose between visiting family and a beach trip I would take the beach any day. My daughter is 19 and also finished her 2nd year of college. This summer she is going to Disney for a week with her boyfriend- coming home for 3 days and then going to Italy, Portugal and France for 2 weeks with the boyfriends family. There is no way I would force my 19 year old to go on any family vacation.

 

[neverlandsky]

The situation here is not the one your describing. She isn't "opting out", she's bailing on an obligation that was specifically organized around her convenience. The time to "opt out" would have been at the planning stages, which apparently she did not. Letting her off the hook and sucking up all the inconvenience and disappointment does not address the DD's character flaw of being unreliable, not true to her word and unacceptably cavalier with her parent's feelings.

It was not an obligation and at this point it wasn’t even an invite. It was a summons backed up by so-called financial support. Where since OP paid 95% of the financial support she felt entitled to her daughter. Oh and doesn’t like her daughter’s boyfriend. Then OP edited her post. We can agree to disagree here.

 

[Southernmiss]

We've got a 25 year old married son, a 22 year old, 20 year old and 17 year old.

In February, I sent a text 'Hey dad and I are planning to go to xxx this specific week in July. Would love to have any or all of you join us."

They all have planned their schedules so they can join us for some or all of the trip.

As they get older, we also have to change if we want them to join us.

Heck, our 22 and 20 year olds have planned to visit my husband's mother at the 4th of July and asked if WE want to join them

 

[J'aime Paris]

I'd be very disappointed if my daughter did that to me. Not sure what I would do, except to say that it is "unacceptable" to do that to family. She was consulted in advance. She should NOT have accepted another invitation because she already had plans. Responsible adults DON'T do that. It's just not nice. I raised my kids to be NICE and to follow through on obligations, whether they want to or not.

Now, of course, you can't "make" her go. The snide momma in me would probably say "hey, I know I said I would pay your tuition/phone bill/apartment rent (whatever), but I changed my mind...I got a better offer for my money. So sorry about that."

We had a long discussion over spring break about NEXT year's spring break. Both my college kids have the SAME break (they did not this year), and we said "we want to go to San Francisco....are you in?" Answer from both was an excited "YES!" Once I book the airfare (which I have not done yet), it's a DONE deal, and they will be going or suffer my wrath, which might well include saying "too bad about that tuition bill." Is that fair? Probably not. But, neither is it "fair" to break commitments. Actions have consequences.

ETA: Would I for real not pay tuition? Probably not. I think my real life consequence would be to force the offending child to take the federally guaranteed student loan for remaining years. So far, their Dad and I have footed the entire bill, not wanting to saddle them with debt. If they respect us so little that they will make, and then break, commitments to the family, I would similarly say they are no longer entitled to the GIFT of a free college education.

^^This!