Parenting Question

tarheelmjfan · Apr 20, 2018

Lilacs4Me said:
Annoying everyone on the sidelines using a "stern voice" that your kid clearly isn't listening to if you have to do it more than once, is NOT part of being a competitive sports parent!

IME, most parents are sitting in the stands not standing on the sidelines. Are you viewing this from a coaching POV or a parent sitting in the stands? FWIW, I was a referee for youth league through high school. I also coached my DS through third grade, before he lost interest. I was never bothered by parents yelling instructions to their child. IMO, that's part of sports.

Pea-n-Me · Apr 20, 2018

1Mouse2RulethemAll said:
I have talked to the coach and he will be handling it during the game. I am only intervening right now during practice, and I only do that as a last resort when his behavior can get him hurt. The coach is planning on putting him in the outfield for games to help keep him from getting hit with the ball.

That's good that you talked to the coach. He now knows your concerns.

It really doesn't matter whether it's practice or a game, you're not doing your son any favors by yelling at him from the sidelines. You signed him up for this so he could make some friends, learn a sport, and have some fun, right? As a mom who's seen her son from TBall through college baseball, I'll tell you that it's no fun EVER for a kid to have their parent yelling at them from the sidelines. It just isn't. It invites ridicule from other kids and, as you've seen, annoys others and probably the coach, too. Don't do that to your son! Let him have this experience as his own.

As for the other lady, it sounds like neither of you handled it very well. Just let it go. More importantly, it's not too late to turn this around. Bring some headphones or a book, a comfy chair, and relax while he plays. Let him have fun and enjoy the experience with no interference from you. He might surprise you. Maybe he'll be more focused if he's only listening to one person.

Pea-n-Me · Apr 20, 2018

Lilacs4Me said:
That doesn't bother you??!!!

If that is what has to be done to keep him safe, I would strongly encourage you to pull him and wait until he is more willing to pay attention and do what he is supposed to be doing during practice and games.

JMO

I agree. Idk if it has to be accomplished this year, but at some point if he's going to continue to play, and play safely, he'll need to learn how to work with the ball when it's in play.

1Mouse2RulethemAll · Apr 20, 2018

Lilacs4Me said:
Honestly, and only because you asked for opinions am I telling you this, but that would annoy me too. I would take her comment to heart and stop annoying everyone on the sideline with my stern voice.

I would then address my expectations of how to behave at practice with my child, but that's not what you are asking for here, so I won't comment further on that....

I would love to be able to talk with my son about my expectations of his behavior, but he has a hard time comprehending things. I do remind him to listen to his coach and to pay attention to the game. I also fully understand and expect him to wander and lose interest.

Lilacs4Me · Apr 20, 2018

tarheelmjfan said:
IME, most parents are sitting in the stands not standing on the sidelines. Are you viewing this from a coaching POV or a parent sitting in the stands? FWIW, I was a referee for youth league through high school. I also coached my DS through third grade, before he lost interest. I was never bothered by parents yelling instructions to their child. IMO, that's part of sports.

IME, at t-ball practices there are no stands, and parents either all stand or sit in chairs on the edge of the field.

I am looking at this from the POV of a parent who is 14 years into sitting at roughly 3 out of 4 seasons a year of pretty much every youth/HS sports there is, for 3 kids. I tend to sit away from other parents so I didn't have to listen to them yelling at their kids or complaining about the coaching/reffing. I just want to enjoy watching my kids play in the game or practice!

I am, also, a coach of a sport where parents, thankfully, are not allowed to attend practices within talking distance of their kids, however we do play at some fields where the parents have access to sit right up to the ropes/fences. I really don't want to hear parents yelling at their kid to behave and pay attention whether I am coaching OR parenting, TBH.

ETA: It seems as though the OP's son has special needs, which she alluded to slightly in her first post by saying he has a hard time paying attention, but has clarified later that he also has comprehension difficulties as well, so while my responses were aimed toward a typical 4-6 year old child, it appears that OP's child may need more specialized assistance in learning how to be a good team player.

Lilacs4Me · Apr 20, 2018

1Mouse2RulethemAll said:
I would love to be able to talk with my son about my expectations of his behavior, but he has a hard time comprehending things. I do remind him to listen to his coach and to pay attention to the game. I also fully understand and expect him to wander and lose interest.

If he has special needs, that's one thing, and of course you have to do what you have to do in special circumstances.

1Mouse2RulethemAll · Apr 20, 2018

Lilacs4Me said:
If he has special needs, that's one thing, and of course you have to do what you have to do in special circumstances.

His team is mainly made up of 3-4 year olds. It is actually a good fit for him as he learns best by doing things and observing. (Plus, his teammates don't hit the ball very far.) His coach is impressed by how fast he has picked up certain techniques. Most of the time, I don't have to say a thing. Today was just one of his tougher days and I only had to get his attention twice while coach was working with the batters. I really try not to be one of those parents. I am not expecting him to be a stellar player.

Lilacs4Me · Apr 20, 2018

1Mouse2RulethemAll said:
His team is mainly made up of 3-4 year olds. It is actually a good fit for him as he learns best by doing things and observing. (Plus, his teammates don't hit the ball very far.) His coach is impressed by how fast he has picked up certain techniques. Most of the time, I don't have to say a thing. Today was just one of his tougher days and I only had to get his attention twice while coach was working with the batters. I really try not to be one of those parents. I am not expecting him to be a stellar player.

Wait...how old is he? I'm sorry if I missed that you said how old he was.

If he is only 3 or 4, then forget everything I said! I was thinking he was like a kindergartner or 1st grader.

At 3-4 years old, I wouldn't even bother yelling instruction at him at all....just let him run around out there and have fun. As long as he's staying on the field and not running into the bat, chances are he will be just fine no matter how little he is paying attention.

Sit back, relax, and just enjoy. His concentration and attention will be better in a couple years!

Pea-n-Me · Apr 20, 2018

TBall was age 5 for us, too. Sounds like they're starting it younger now.

tarheelmjfan · Apr 20, 2018

Lilacs4Me said:
IME, at t-ball practices there are no stands, and parents either all stand or sit in chairs on the edge of the field.

I am looking at this from the POV of a parent who is 14 years into sitting at roughly 3 out of 4 seasons a year of pretty much every youth/HS sports there is, for 3 kids. I tend to sit away from other parents so I didn't have to listen to them yelling at their kids or complaining about the coaching/reffing. I just wanted to enjoy the freaking game or practice!

I am, also, a coach of a sport where parents, thankfully, are not allowed to attend practices within talking distance of their kids, however we do play at some fields where the parents have access to sit right up to the ropes. I really don't want to hear parents yelling at their kid to behave and pay attention whether I am coaching OR parenting, TBH.

I will admit to having no experience with sports with nothing but ropes. (I'm guessing you're talking about wresting. If I wrong, feel free to correct me.) We don't have any wrestlers in our family, so I can't speak for the atmosphere at wresting meets.) I'm talking about basketball, football & baseball. We also had competitive swimmers in our family, but that was more yelling to encourage them in hopes to speed them up than yelling to tell them what they are doing wrong. IME, family yelling to instruct players in the sports I'm most familiar with is common. Four of my nieces & nephews played AAU sports. Everyone in the gym was yelling at a kid.

As a referee in basketball, I've also had many parents tell me what they think of my calls. :laughing:

In my experience, with the sports I've mentioned, that's common.

As I mentioned in my first post, it depends on the age of the child. Patience is necessary at an early age. In the first year, kids need a lot of guidance. After the first year, kids need to learn to listen to instructions. That instruction often comes from parents. I don't find that unusual at all. As long as a child listens to the coach, I don't see anything wrong with parents instructing their child on what they're doing wrong. Unfortunately, I've seen way too many coaches that are solely invested in their child & their friend's children in youth league. The other kids are lucky to play. In that case, I would advise any parent to instruct their child on what they should be doing & try to get a different coach the next year. Parents have much more invested in their child than a coach who volunteers to coach, because their child is on the team does. My advise would be different for those old enough to play on a school sport or AAU.

I think we may be discussing different sports, which makes our experiences are very different.

tarheelmjfan · Apr 20, 2018

I now see we're talking about a very young child. I still say the OP should do things her way & ignore the other mom's opinion. The other mom's child probably won't last long, if they're only there to have fun & not learn. There's nothing wrong with that. It's great for them to have fun, while they can. As they get older, non-competitive kids will drop out.

NYCgrrl · Apr 20, 2018

What should you do when you see her next?
Be polite.
Your children are quite young and will probably have years of being together.

Reese'smom · Apr 20, 2018

Ignore her. Be nice but ignore. Yelling at kids from the sidelines is a part of sports. Honestly. My son has played ball since that age and I’ve never been to a game or practice where there weren’t parents yelling. People that say otherwise are lying or haven’t had a child in sports.

Happyinwonerland · Apr 20, 2018

Let the under-6 set have fun. If they aren't focused, no big deal. It's a rec league game, nobody's future is riding on it. Save the mean mommy voice for the truly important things, like if he runs in the road or purposely injures someone. By yelling at your young child on the ball field, everyone is likely thinking you are the one out of line, not the other parent who shut you down.

Disney Doll · Apr 20, 2018

I’m always amazed at the responses when people ask parenting questions. It gives such good insight into why kids are the way they are these days.

OP, it’s your kid. If you want to yell things at him from the sidelines, go right ahead. I’m assuming you yelled something to the effect of “pay attention” and not something “I can’t believe what a stupid loser jerk you are! Can you please pay attention!”.

I can recall my own sports days. My parents didn’t sit quietly on the sidelines while I was playing. They yelled things. Sometimes they yelled “good job!”. Sometimes they yelled “good try”. Sometimes they yelled “pay attention”. Amazingly enough, I grew up to be a productive member of society even without continuous constant positive reinforcement for everything I did including the screw-ups.

As far as what to do about the other parent and their commentary? I’d have probably either shot her “the look”, or said “well the good news is there’s plenty of field space for you to move where you can’t hear me” or, as a PP said, given her the syrupy sarcastic “well bless your heart”.

scrhsa · Apr 20, 2018

lifesavacation said:
I kinda think most kids in tball lose focus. We called my daughter the flower picker when she played

My daughter was the hole digger

Actually sat down and dug a hole! My other(in basketball) was the ponytail twirler.

Poohforyou · Apr 20, 2018

1Mouse2RulethemAll said:
So I am looking for your thoughts on an issue I had with a mom at my son's t-ball practice tonight.

My son loses focus easily and was goofing off with an orange cone while in the outfield. I sternly hollared at him to stop playing with the cone at one point. A few minutes later, I yelled at him again to pay attention. (My son is used to my stern voice and knows that mommy means business when he hears it and I typically only use it to get his attention.) After that, another player's mom snidely told me it was annoying her and she doesn't want her son to hear me yelling at my own kid. (One of her non-playing kids (18 months old) was wondering the playing field while the practice was going on and she just walked behind him.)

At that point, I just shook my head and walked off without saying a word to her. Had I responded to her, it would have not been pleasant, nor fit for small ears.

What should I have done or do in the future with regards to this mom? And please don't say to not yell at my kids, my children all know I love them and that if I am break out the stern voice, it is time to act better.

I think you should let the coach handle keeping his/her players in line.

Would you go into his classroom and yell at him to pay attention to his teacher?

You're really undermining the coach here. In your position I'd probably have a conversation with the coach about your concerns and come up with a plan.

Finally, I never found embarrassing my now college freshman daughter to be an effective way of getting her to change her behavior.

Hikergirl · Apr 20, 2018

Reese'smom said:
Ignore her. Be nice but ignore. Yelling at kids from the sidelines is a part of sports. Honestly. My son has played ball since that age and I’ve never been to a game or practice where there weren’t parents yelling. People that say otherwise are lying or haven’t had a child in sports.

This was a practice for 3 and 4 year olds playing T-ball, not the World Series.

The mom was definitely rude to say something, but OP could lighten up a bit on her kid.

Skellingtonj · Apr 20, 2018

Poohforyou said:
I think you should let the coach handle keeping his/her players in line.

Would you go into his classroom and yell at him to pay attention to

Poohforyou said:
I think you should let the coach handle keeping his/her players in line.

Would you go into his classroom and yell at him to pay attention to his teacher?

You're really undermining the coach here. In your position I'd probably have a conversation with the coach about your concerns and come up with a plan.

Finally, I never found embarrassing my now college freshman daughter to be an effective way of getting her to change her behavior.

This is an excellent point. I would never go to my kids classroom and tell them to listen or pay attention. Let his coach handle it. Don’t be that. Mom.

Southernmiss · Apr 20, 2018

When did 3 year old t ball become a competitive sport?

For me, that was too young to start sports. I have been a sports parent for 19 years and have seen/experienced it all.

As a parent of 4 who are only 7 total years a part, we started about age 5. Too much fun time to be had at home. And I did not want to schlep new borns and toddlers out every night.

Yelling sternly from the sides by a parent is never pretty. We have had coaches speak to the parents and ask them to tone it down, or leave. Same parents were thrown out of games by officials.

A lot of playing team sports is learning how to get along with others-for everyone. Coaches, parents, kids.

I learned pretty quickly which parents to avoid sitting near and position myself away from them on the bleachers or sideline chairs.

Signed,

Butterfly chasers mom in t ball.

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