Relationship Deal Breakers

AppleDumpling · Oct 1, 2018

Hmm, hard to come up with absolutes. Like others have said, being together so long (over 30 years for us), and knowing each other so well, anything out of character would be a red flag for some other issue/s. But if we weren’t able to resolve the issues, I’d say abuse, or if for some reason he took up smoking. (No offense to anyone, but I couldn’t tolerate living with a smoker.)

Or... perhaps if I found out he’s been leading a double life and has another secret wife and family someplace. That would be a tough one to overcome! :eek:

L&Lfan · Oct 1, 2018

mousefan73 said:
Speedos and a mustache

But what if he looked like Mark Spitz circa 1972?

Nettester · Oct 1, 2018

Any illicit drug use
Smoking of any kind (weed or cigarettes)
Using nicotine of any sort, vaping, etc.
Alcohol abuse-active addiction
Cheating

QueenIsabella · Oct 1, 2018

Lilacs4Me said:
untrustworthy acts (lying, cheating, stealing, withholding important information)
physical/mental abuse to me or the kids (zero tolerance for either)
substance abuse

I'm not worried about the above three in the least. We've been married for 20 years this year, together for 28.

But the next one.....complete dealbreaker:

His mother coming to live with us. Not even joking. She is transient and unable/unwilling to support herself. She has 8 children. If it came down to is and NONE of them would be willing to take her in, and she came to live with us, DH and I both know that it would be the end of our marriage. We have talked about it before. He would be willing to still take her knowing I would move out. Not that he wants either to happen, and I would never make DH let her live on the street before moving her into my house, but there is -zero % chance that I would stay and live with her. She has made the rounds of all her kids and we are one of the only two kids she hasn't lived with yet. In her words "H*ll NO!" would she live with me, and she feels pretty much the same about my SIL. We concur.

*Before flaming with the be nice to your MIL comments, she has been physically and mentally abusive to my kids in the past and will be again if given the chance, as she has also been with many of her other grandchildren, and is verbally abusive to me when DH isn't around, and has stolen from my home multiple times. I refuse to be around her alone because when he is there, she is sweet and nice to him and ignores me, which is the way I want it and when DH is not there, she is passive-aggressive and nasty to me with her comments and innuendos about how terrible of a person, wife, and mother I am. We spend very limited time with her, the kids are NEVER far from me when she is around, and we changed our locks so she can't come in when we are not home and steal from us. And it's not old age/dementia/etc. She has been like this since I've known her - I was 14 and she was 37 when we met.

I 100% agree with you. No longer an issue--MIL passed last year--but 10 or so years back, DH was considering a job change. There were possibilities in many states. I said that we couldn't live near his mother, because our marriage would end. Not in a huff or anything, it would just start us down that path. "Stay with me while you job hunt" would turn into "Live with me while you house hunt" and then into "I want my grandchildren in X school district". All with good intentions on her part, but she could be demanding and overbearing and downright mean. DH would have been constantly put in the middle, and our marriage would eventually be over.

Anastasi · Oct 1, 2018

If I turn on the tv and my spouse is the subject of a Dateline Investigation.

Emotional abuse - this includes putting limits on and controlling how I looked, what I choose to believe (as long as I am not forcing my beliefs on my spouse,) and trying to silence my voice such as voting. In other words a control freak that does not treat me as an equal. However, if that started happening after 35 years, I wouldn't leave right away. We would have to have a battery of medical tests done to see why there was such a change in personality.

Anything else would be up for counseling and trying to work it out. Nothing is an immediate deal breaker. We are firm believers that marriage and family is hard work. I am not prone to leave at the first major blip in the marriage. We are all human and we make mistakes, even huge mistakes. I would need to understand the why and then would have to try hard to see if we could figure out together how to move forward. Leaving would be the very last resort.

dotfurio · Oct 1, 2018

It's funny, things I thought were deal breakers actually weren't. At this point I'd say abusive in any way to the kids or me or committed an offense big enough to be locked up.

mantysk8coach · Oct 1, 2018

mousefan73 said:
In some cases that one thing is admitting you are gay to yourself and tired of living a lie. Happened to a colleague. 20 some years. No issues either and still there was love. Just nit the physical type

Yup. Happened to me after 11 years of marriage and 3 kids. (My husband came out, not me). We’ve now been divorced 3 years and just bought a 2-family home to raise our kids in together, yet separately. We’re still best friends, but yeah, definitely a deal breaker. Mutually decided.

Shanti · Oct 1, 2018

DISNEYSQUIRRELS said:
For those that are married or in long-term committed relationships...

What are your relationship deal breakers (other than being unfaithful)?

Addiction/alcoholism for which you refuse to get help. I left my former fiancee for being a closeted alcoholic. He had kept it well hidden as we didn't live together, & he had access to ample family money which helped to create a facade of success. When I found out & he refused to get treatment, I called it quits despite our love. I was a single mother and would not expose my son to that. If you want to destroy your own life that's one thing, but don't drag me and my child down, too.

NYCgrrl · Oct 1, 2018

slpeters said:
Dishonesty. If I come home and there's a dead hooker in our bed tell me the truth and I might just help you hide the body, lie and you're on your own...

Now that's funny!

ronandannette · Oct 1, 2018

wenrob said:
That’s a really hard call. Come January we’ll have been together 30 years. It would have to be something despicable that I wouldn’t forgive anyone for. I want to say abuse or irrevocably hurting one of our kids but neither is in his character and if either were to happen we’d be setting up appointments for MRIs, brain scans etc. ASAP.

Maybe way back in the beginning that *might* have been a dealbreaker but now? I figure he must have a damn good reason. He’s his own person and has the right to pick and choose his relationships. We do not speak to his father. If that relationship were to be suddenly repaired I don’t think I could find it in myself to be all buddy buddy with him. He hurt my kid and he hurt my DH, those get you blacklisted in my book. My DH would not expect me to reconcile because he did.

I really like your post. At this stage, I trust my DH so implicitly that anything that would constitute a marital crisis would be an absolute shock. I guess one should never say never, but like you, I'd be looking for some reason beyond just a character flaw.

ChrisFL said:
Whew, this will show why I'm still single (40 year old straight male) lol

No children (no plans for any)
No smoking/drugs (alcohol is ok once in a while)
No tattoos (a small tattoo or two is ok, but women who have huge tattoos all over is a major turn-off to me)
Not religious (I'm closer to Buddhist than anything else, but don't really practice)
Not right-wing

Lucky for you those are all things you can screen for prior to marriage.

DISNEYSQUIRRELS · Oct 1, 2018

mantysk8coach said:
Yup. Happened to me after 11 years of marriage and 3 kids. (My husband came out, not me). We’ve now been divorced 3 years and just bought a 2-family home to raise our kids in together, yet separately. We’re still best friends, but yeah, definitely a deal breaker. Mutually decided.

I give you much credit for working together for the sake of your kids in spite of very complicated, emotionally charged circumstances.

Mirielle · Oct 1, 2018

I've found that as life goes on, lots of things you "would never accept" have a way of changing. I've accepted some things in my marriage that, as a young bride, I'd have sworn I wouldn't. So...not certain until I'm actually faced with a situation.

Julie's Haircut · Oct 1, 2018

AnnaFloridaLover said:
If I fell out of love. I can't see leaving him for any other reason.

That's why my ex wife and I divorced. We both started wanting different things out of life and after a year or two of living like that we decided it was best to go our separate ways.

FlightlessDuck said:
My spouse can't route for another team in the same division as the Eagles.

I'm a Flyers fan. DW is a Devils fan. Somehow we manage to get along.

disneychrista · Oct 1, 2018

I haven't been in a long term relationship for a quarter century but . . .

Abuse of any kind would be a deal breaker for me.

powellrj · Oct 2, 2018

DISNEYSQUIRRELS said:
I read & understand every word you typed, but I don't understand the full statement.
You would leave your husband or be ok with him leaving you if one of you developed an illness?

FlightlessDuck said:
So... til death do you part? Or do you mean if one of you gets Cancer the other is going to leave?!?

What I means is we will know something is wrong and do everything we can to find out what it is. I am now in a wheelchair and he is here to help me and I help him too. I saw my parents when my mom developed dementia and my dad was there for her and we would be the same.

Disney Doll · Oct 2, 2018

DISNEYSQUIRRELS said:
I read & understand every word you typed, but I don't understand the full statement.
You would leave your husband or be ok with him leaving you if one of you developed an illness?

I think she means that it would be out of character for him so she wouldn’t leave but would assume an illness and therefore work through that.

Personally...abusive behavior. Cheating. I’d never be able to trust him again and will not spend the rest of my life wondering every minute he’s away from me if he’s with someone else. Obviously if he came out as being gay. Substance abuse for which he refused to get help.

mousefan73 · Oct 2, 2018

Just wanted to add that certain diseases like dementia and in some cases even Lymes Disease
can alter the person you once knew personality wise and even become abusive.

My niece’s husband got severve depression literally over night. He didnt become abusive but changed as a person. All because of a damn tick.

FlightlessDuck · Oct 2, 2018

disneychrista said:
I haven't been in a long term relationship for a quarter century but . . .

Abuse of any kind would be a deal breaker for me.

Seriously, though, this is my conundrum: Are we talking about deal breakers in a relationship in general or a current relationship? Because, like you, I've been in a relationship for almost 25 years. Any action my spouse would take which would be a dealbreaker for me would end being something completely out of character for her. Substance abuse? Domestic abuse? Some kind of crime? If any of those things happen, it would indicate to me that there has been some kind of mental breakdown or something. If my wife of 22 years all of a sudden robs a bank, my first thought isn't divorce, it's that there's something wrong with her. And then I'd be more interested in getting her fixed than getting a divorce.

If we are talking about a new relationship, there are quite a few things: Abuse, crime, tobacco use (including vaping), drug use, more than light-to-moderate drinking, bigotry, vastly different political opinions, etc.

Miffy · Oct 2, 2018

AppleDumpling said:
Or... perhaps if I found out he’s been leading a double life and has another secret wife and family someplace. That would be a tough one to overcome!

This exact thing happened to one of my great-aunts. She had no idea her husband had another woman, much less another wife. She found out when he was hospitalized. She went to visit him and was told that his wife was already there.

Of course, Apple Dumpling, that won't happen to you! But it's not something that happens only in a movie or TV show.

Many of my deal breakers (cheating, consistent lying, drug abuse, abusive behavior, violence, etc.) were already mentioned. But a big deal breaker for me would be if DH suddenly not only found religion but decided it was the only one and became a proselytizer. That'd be The End for me. And, btw, this happened to someone I know and the couple is still together but I wouldn't call them happy.

Another deal breaker would be if DH decided he wanted to collect spiders or other insects. :scared:

No way could I handle that!!! Although I'd say I'm 99.999999% sure this'd never happen.

Lilacs4Me · Oct 2, 2018

mousefan73 said:
Wow. That would not be a difficult decision for me either. I hope it never comes to that. Get an alarm.

I hope it doesn't either!

It's not that I would walk out on him the second she moved in, if she ever did, but we both know that the pressure of dealing with her, and him defending everything she does and never wanting to rock the boat, would cause a swift breakdown in our marriage, which would spiral down into a divorce pretty quickly. We have been through a lot together in 28 years, and can handle pretty much anything, but we both know our marriage would not survive that.

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