Help with 4yo. - Won't stay in room at bed time

Stay from the beginning. If he tries to talk or play calmly say, "it's time to sleep". After saying that a couple times just put your finger to your lips and dont talk at all.

Eventually you can move to the hallway. Read or play on your phone there. Eventually you will be able to put him to bed and he will sleep alone. Today is just not that day :)
 
Thanks for all the ideas. As foster parents we aren't allowed to co-sleep with our son. Its one of the first things they teach you when training to take on a foster child. After he is ours we can do what we want but we are tied up with the legal side of this for at least another year. I think the consensus is that we should try getting comfy in his room until he falls asleep. We will try that and let you know how it goes.

How do they define "co sleep?" Does it mean sharing a bed? Sharing a room? Where do they draw the line, exactly. If he is allowed to sleep in the same ROOM as you, that is more to work with.
 
Throw down an air mattress in your bedroom and let him sleep there until he is ready to sleep alone in his room. My nephew (a completely typically developing child, by the way), did this until he was 7.5. Some kids just get very scared at night, especially only children who have their own room. I still get scared at night when my husband isn't home...and I'm 40.
I understand no co-sleeping is in the rules but I'm unclear if he can sleep in your room? Our DD had issues with anxiety, her waking us up in the middle of the night was affecting the whole family so we made a deal. We put a twin mattress on the floor in our room, she was allowed to come in whenever she wanted to BUT she couldn't wake us. This won't help your bedtime routine but if he is getting up at night, this might help.

That mattress was on my floor for years, used more in the beginning and less as she got older but she always knew she could just come in and go to sleep. The whole house slept better.

Also, congrats on your child, I wish you nothing but the best in the transition and eventual adoption!
 
Nobody warned me ahead of time that this would be one of my biggest traumas of parenting, seriously. We moved right when he was transitioning from crib to big boy bed, and there was no WAY he was sleeping alone in a strange bed in a strange house. We, too, went to the single mattress in our room, first next to our bed, and then gradually moving it further away, eventually out in the hallway, almost to his room, etc. (Kind of like paper training a puppy, haha....)

Heck, I don't like to sleep alone, and I'm in my 50s ;).

Terri
 


Thanks for the tips. We are a two dad family but I am definitely the "mom". Tonight the plan is to stay his room for a bit until he falls asleep. Now my question is should I do that right off the bat or wait until he comes downstairs? I'd like him to have to opportunity each night to be on his own so that eventually, some day, he won't feel the need to come downstairs. Am I overthinking?
Sorry - I didn't even look at your avatar, I just assumed. :blush:

I really, really like the input you've received about NOT waiting until he comes down to find you. There's good wisdom in not allowing that habit to entrench any further and not to make "what comes next" a pay off. Much, much better to change the routine slightly to just stay with him until he sleeps. Once he realizes you'll be there I'd bet it takes less and less time for him to drift off.

There's also something to be said for the fact that he now feels secure enough with you to begin testing the boundaries a little. :thumbsup2 That's positive, really positive. Even at his young age he was probably conditioned by trauma and fear to try and be "perfect". If you go through a period where his behavior deteriorates remember it's because he feels safe enough to "let his hair down" a little. I wish you all well. :flower3:
 
Thanks for the tips. We are a two dad family but I am definitely the "mom". Tonight the plan is to stay his room for a bit until he falls asleep. Now my question is should I do that right off the bat or wait until he comes downstairs? I'd like him to have to opportunity each night to be on his own so that eventually, some day, he won't feel the need to come downstairs. Am I overthinking?

Stay in his room right off the bat. He will probably be perplexed at first & he may even want to talk a lot because having you there with him will be new and/or fun. Do your normal routine and then just calmly explain to him in terms that a 4-yr-old will understand that you'll be right there sitting next to his bed until he falls asleep so he knows that you're there. Expect him to come seek you out when he wakes up from a bad dream. Then do the same thing...sit there next to the bed (yes, in the dark) until he falls asleep. Eventually, you won't have to sit there for as long. You might be sitting there a good 20-30 min at first for awhile. But it will help your son know in his heart that everything is safe and secure with him, you, & your spouse.

You're not overthinking anything. You're doing great.

Eventually, your son WILL reach the point where all you have to do is tuck him in, give him a kiss and hug goodnight, and walk out of the room, but this is obviously not the time for that yet because your son isn't ready.

What you're describing is totally normal behavior for a 4 yr old, by the way.
 
Ok well so far so good. It took an HOUR but he's asleep. I hope he doesn't wake up! He's usually a HEAVY sleeper so knock on wood he's out for the night.

I had a book but no reading light and I didn't want to bring a screen with me So I just sat there and meditated to myself.

I layed on the floor on the side of his bed at the foot on top of two oversized pillows so I was real comfy. I had to remind him three times that he needed to lay back and close his eyes and rest and no talking. Eventually he mimicked how I was laying on the floor. After that he was out like a light. He finally turned over for the last time and I made a graceful exit.

Hopefully tomorrow goes a little quicker but it really wasn't bad. The quiet was very theraputic. I'm going to get a nice reading light tomorrow.

Thanks for all the support!
 


Ok well so far so good. It took an HOUR but he's asleep. I hope he doesn't wake up! He's usually a HEAVY sleeper so knock on wood he's out for the night.

I had a book but no reading light and I didn't want to bring a screen with me So I just sat there and meditated to myself.

I layed on the floor on the side of his bed at the foot on top of two oversized pillows so I was real comfy. I had to remind him three times that he needed to lay back and close his eyes and rest and no talking. Eventually he mimicked how I was laying on the floor. After that he was out like a light. He finally turned over for the last time and I made a graceful exit.

Hopefully tomorrow goes a little quicker but it really wasn't bad. The quiet was very theraputic. I'm going to get a nice reading light tomorrow.

Thanks for all the support!

I am glad you posted! I used to lie down with Kady when she took her nap from the time she was two. My DH was funny, he told me to sleep too! If she fell asleep on me in the living room we just stayed like that. Chores could wait.

FWIW, I know this seems to be a trying time, and it is, but cherish the moment. I did not take enough time to just enjoy the most quiet moments with my kids, so I was grateful for teh time with my DGD. AS a parent I did nto give myself permission to let household things go, but I was given a second chance with my DGD. YOu have an opportunity to strengthen this wonderful bond with your child, and so as you help him navigate this fear, you will be getting a gift too. My Kady is 17 tomorrow, and she still wants to hear how she woud last to lie on Nana's arm, and loves it when I tell her how she used to crawl on her Pa's shoulders like a cat, and put hom to sleep. Treasures.
 
I am glad you posted! I used to lie down with Kady when she took her nap from the time she was two. My DH was funny, he told me to sleep too! If she fell asleep on me in the living room we just stayed like that. Chores could wait.

FWIW, I know this seems to be a trying time, and it is, but cherish the moment. I did not take enough time to just enjoy the most quiet moments with my kids, so I was grateful for teh time with my DGD. AS a parent I did nto give myself permission to let household things go, but I was given a second chance with my DGD. YOu have an opportunity to strengthen this wonderful bond with your child, and so as you help him navigate this fear, you will be getting a gift too. My Kady is 17 tomorrow, and she still wants to hear how she woud last to lie on Nana's arm, and loves it when I tell her how she used to crawl on her Pa's shoulders like a cat, and put hom to sleep. Treasures.

Thanks for your kind words. This has been an excruciating legal process for us. No one can prepare you for the stress of becoming a new parent AND dealing with the more challenging aspects of working with the department of families and court system. We have learned to live in the moment because we just don't know what will happen down the road.

My fondest memories are of those quiet moments. My favorite moment was that night in front of the castle; the fireworks blazing. There was a 3yo on my shoulders screaming with glee, "dream came true!".
 
Ok well so far so good. It took an HOUR but he's asleep. I hope he doesn't wake up! He's usually a HEAVY sleeper so knock on wood he's out for the night.

I had a book but no reading light and I didn't want to bring a screen with me So I just sat there and meditated to myself.

I layed on the floor on the side of his bed at the foot on top of two oversized pillows so I was real comfy. I had to remind him three times that he needed to lay back and close his eyes and rest and no talking. Eventually he mimicked how I was laying on the floor. After that he was out like a light. He finally turned over for the last time and I made a graceful exit.

Hopefully tomorrow goes a little quicker but it really wasn't bad. The quiet was very theraputic. I'm going to get a nice reading light tomorrow.

Thanks for all the support!

AWESOME...and seriously one hour, for the first time you’ve done this, is nothing! Great job!! Hopefully this will make him feel more secure and he’ll understand that bedtime is for sleeping. My only suggestion is to keep with it for awhile, even if it seems like he’s completely fine, keep doing it, and then do one more week (even when you think you’re done) so he continues to understand that you’ll be there- and talk about it “dad and dad will be here for you. If you ever need us you just have to ask”.

Please keep us posted too, we’re all rooting for you guys!
 
Ok well so far so good. It took an HOUR but he's asleep. I hope he doesn't wake up! He's usually a HEAVY sleeper so knock on wood he's out for the night.

I had a book but no reading light and I didn't want to bring a screen with me So I just sat there and meditated to myself.

I layed on the floor on the side of his bed at the foot on top of two oversized pillows so I was real comfy. I had to remind him three times that he needed to lay back and close his eyes and rest and no talking. Eventually he mimicked how I was laying on the floor. After that he was out like a light. He finally turned over for the last time and I made a graceful exit.

Hopefully tomorrow goes a little quicker but it really wasn't bad. The quiet was very theraputic. I'm going to get a nice reading light tomorrow.

Thanks for all the support!
That's awesome! I have to admit a few times in did snuggle with DD in her bed I did fall asleep myself. DH came an woke me when it was time to go to bed. Hopefully the time it takes will decrease quickly!
 
Thanks for your kind words. This has been an excruciating legal process for us. No one can prepare you for the stress of becoming a new parent AND dealing with the more challenging aspects of working with the department of families and court system. We have learned to live in the moment because we just don't know what will happen down the road.

My fondest memories are of those quiet moments. My favorite moment was that night in front of the castle; the fireworks blazing. There was a 3yo on my shoulders screaming with glee, "dream came true!".

Oh you made my night!!! My DS and DDIL are in the Foster to adopt program and I am so conflicted. They originally had the mindset that they would adopt but honestly had not though it through from the parents side. They are still committed to this endeavor but recognize fully that DCF is in the business of reuniting families, not separating them permanently, and they accept that their role with children may not be as they had planned. I feel so guilty that I truly want their happy ending to be with a child that needs them as much as they need him or her. I told them if their path is to adopt a child it will be happen, and if their path is to provide love and care to children as their parents work out their issues, that will be a good thing. Your story is one that proves that people find each other when it si the right thing.
 
Is it possible to consider re-framing this situation in your mind? Maybe it's a good thing that your child needs you to be with him. So many children who have been through difficult situations in their past have problems attaching to their now forever parents. Your son is signaling that he wants very badly to be with you. He wants to be attached. What if this is an opportunity to bond, rather than a signal that something is wrong? I really like the idea of taking a chair into the room and just quietly reading while your son falls asleep. When he doesn't need that level of attention I suspect you'll know it.
 
I understand no co-sleeping is in the rules but I'm unclear if he can sleep in your room? Our DD had issues with anxiety, her waking us up in the middle of the night was affecting the whole family so we made a deal. We put a twin mattress on the floor in our room, she was allowed to come in whenever she wanted to BUT she couldn't wake us. This won't help your bedtime routine but if he is getting up at night, this might help.

That mattress was on my floor for years, used more in the beginning and less as she got older but she always knew she could just come in and go to sleep. The whole house slept better.

Also, congrats on your child, I wish you nothing but the best in the transition and eventual adoption!

That’s what we did. The kids could sleep on our floor at any time if they were scared. They never needed a mattress. We just threw a big comforter under them.
 
I just wanted to chime in and say that we adopted our 3.5 year old daughter from foster care. It was simultaneously the most rewarding and most difficult thing I've ever done. In CA you can't sleep in the same room after 12 months, don't know about where you live.

My whole point of posting though was to say hang in there. Every single thing that you do with love is the right thing for him, I promise. What he will feel is the love and affection, the stability. I know it can be hard to deal with - trust me, I know. You are doing amazing things for him. Please know that you and your husband are welcome to reach out to me if you need a listening ear who has been through this.

Take care and thank you for being such a good dad that you're seeking advice! <3
 
The reading light is a good idea. But just be prepared that it might not work. A reading light might end up keeping him awake. 1 hour the first night isn't too bad! That's pretty good, I think, given the nightly ritual from before, when he'd be awake way way past his bedtime. It won't take an hour all the time. Within a couple of weeks, it'll be way less than that, I bet.

Your son popping his head up a lot was probably him checking to see that you were still there. After a week, I bet he'll be used to you laying there at the foot of the bed and it will take him far LESS time to fall fast asleep.

You're doing great. You're awesome.
 
That’s what we did. The kids could sleep on our floor at any time if they were scared. They never needed a mattress. We just threw a big comforter under them.

We did a lot of this, too. YDD did it often enough that we'd just leave a big comforter on the floor next to my side of the bed with a couple of pillows. When she'd wake up at some crazy hour like 3 am, she would just toddle over and go back to sleep right there on the floor. I'd wake up in the morning seeing her doing her cute little sleep with her butt up in the air thing. :-)
 
Could you make a recording of your voice reading him some books. A nice, quiet, calm voice. Let him turn that on once he’s in bed. It might make him feel less alone.

And you sound like a GREAT parent
 
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So we ran into a few bumps in the road over night but nothing earth shattering. He got up at 12, 2, and 4 am and was completely confused that I was not in his room. At midnight i caught him going downstairs and he was all confused wondering why we weren't downstairs. I did not sit with him in his room in the wee hours. I just reassured him that we were just down the hall and he was safe. Tonight my husband will be sitting with him. Those two have a completely different type of relationship so I am hoping he won't wander out in the middle of the night again. We're not keen having him in our room so we're going to just keep at it. The night went more smoothly and was way more peaceful for everyone despite him seeking me in the middle of the night.
 
I just wanted to chime in and say that we adopted our 3.5 year old daughter from foster care. It was simultaneously the most rewarding and most difficult thing I've ever done. In CA you can't sleep in the same room after 12 months, don't know about where you live.

My whole point of posting though was to say hang in there. Every single thing that you do with love is the right thing for him, I promise. What he will feel is the love and affection, the stability. I know it can be hard to deal with - trust me, I know. You are doing amazing things for him. Please know that you and your husband are welcome to reach out to me if you need a listening ear who has been through this.

Take care and thank you for being such a good dad that you're seeking advice! <3
Thank you for chiming in! Such a lonely process isn't it? We're coping but it's always nice to hear from someone who KNOWS. Our son's worker says his case is the worst he has seen in his career. At this point we're so numb from not knowing what the future holds. We do know that the case is quickly going in our direction meaning the likelihood of his bio-mom loosing her parental rights is imminent but you just can't say anything with 100% certainty until the judge rules.
 

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