'Permission' to date again after spouse passes

cabanafrau · Apr 25, 2019

Soldier's*Sweeties said:
Yes I can see talking about it beforehand. I’m sure at some point DH and I have talked about it, even just in a joking manner. I could never when someone is actually declining and you’re in the midst of those feelings and emotions.

It's not that it can never be talked about. Talking about it with someone who is facing their mortality head on is different.

My husband and I have talked about it over the years. I've recommended he marry up next time.

Jaye1980 · Apr 25, 2019

jaye614 said:
I know that there are widowers and widows out there who have talked with their late spouses about dating and/or marrying again after they passed.

Is that something you think you would ask your spouse if they were dying?

'Would it be ok for me to move on and fall in love again?'

what if they said No?

I MEANT if the dying person told the spouse that they could fall in love again and marry after their passing; is that something you would tell your spouse? Have you ever heard of someone telling their spouse that no, they wouldn't want them to remarry?

And no, not bring it up while that person was dying unless that person brings it up first.

MrsDuck · Apr 25, 2019

We've joked about it but never had a serious conservation. I couldn't imagine even THINKING about it if he was dying...

cabanafrau · Apr 25, 2019

Jaye1980 said:
I MEANT if the dying person told the spouse that they could fall in love again and marry after their passing; is that something you would tell your spouse? Have you ever heard of someone telling their spouse that no, they wouldn't want them to remarry?

Are you the OP with a different account?

Lilacs4Me · Apr 25, 2019

We have already talked about it, so no need to have a deathbed conversation (if we were ever in that situation, god forbid).

I told DH that my only wish is that he would find someone who will be good to our kids. It's very important to me because I grew up with stepparents who were not good to us.

DH told me that he trusts me to find someone who I will be happy with and that will take care of me and the kids.

Floridaman999 · Apr 25, 2019

Jaye1980 said:
I MEANT if the dying person told the spouse that they could fall in love again and marry after their passing; is that something you would tell your spouse? Have you ever heard of someone telling their spouse that no, they wouldn't want them to remarry?

You might want to log in to your other account?

ronandannette · Apr 25, 2019

cabanafrau said:
It's not that it can never be talked about. Talking about it with someone who is facing their mortality head on is different.

My husband and I have talked about it over the years. I've recommended he marry up next time.

Not possible for my DH but I wouldn’t begrudge him giving it a shot. I actually imagine it going the other way and him finally realizing how good he had it.

lifesavacation · Apr 25, 2019

larissawbb said:
My grandfather remarried a couple of years after my grandmother died. He passed away after being remarried for a few years. His new wife got remarried two months after he died and then she passed six months later. The new guy somehow ended up with the house and my grandmothers jewelry. It devastated my mom. It may seem cold but it’s a good conversation to have when both parties are in good health.

That’s terrible.

antmaril · Apr 25, 2019

I lost my husband (age 55) to cancer 11 years ago. This is NOT a conversation you want to have when a person is dying. DON’T DO THAT! However, we were married for 34 years and had been together since we were 15 years old. I know (and he knew) that we would want our spouse to be happy. We didn’t have to have that conversation to believe that. I am now almost 68 years old. I haven’t dated at all. I don’t think men my age are really interested in women their own age. And, I am not interested in dating someone in their 80’s. No thank you. So...

SC Minnie · Apr 25, 2019

We talked about this many years ago when we had our will done. The surviving spouse gets any $ but if they remarry and pass any $/property from the first deceased spouse goes to DD.

As I've gotten older, if something happens to DH I don't see myself ever remarrying. Dating but not remarrying.

smiths02 · Apr 25, 2019

I wouldn't talk about this with my spouse if he was dying. I hope he wouldn't want to bring it up of I was.

Personally, I believe that if people truly love each other, they would want the other to have whatever happiness possible after they passed.

Julie's Haircut · Apr 25, 2019

tvguy said:
Apparently it is not unheard of for an estate plan to have contingencies for if the surviving spouse remarries. Your will and estate plan may specify that you leave everything to your spouse, but if your spouse later remarries, you can specify that your half now go to whomever you choose because of the remarriage. Say, your kids. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has heard of a someone dying, the surviving spouse remarries, the surviving spouse dies, and somehow the entire estate ends up in the hands of someone not related to, or maybe even known to, the original spouses.

Yes, proper estate planning is essential to avoid such situations.

My aunt's (blood uncle's wife) father died and her mother inherited everything. It was apparently his wish that his surviving children eventually receive his estate but this wasn't specified in his will.

The mother remarried about five years later. She never got around to making a will. The mother died in a car accident about six months after the marriage. In the absence of a will the new husband inherited the mother's assets. The husband was willing to work with my aunt and her siblings but in the midst of negotiations he suddenly died of a heart attack.

Then the husband's estranged daughter, who no one even knew existed, popped out of the woodwork to legally claim everything. There was a lawsuit filed, but this daughter was the sole legal heir. The daughter was eventually persuaded to return some sentimental items and jewelry, but in the end wound up with the bulk of what was "supposed to be" my aunt and her siblings' inheritance.

ronandannette said:
Not possible for my DH but I wouldn’t begrudge him giving it a shot. I actually imagine it going the other way and him finally realizing how good he had it.

When I die, if my wife decides to remarry, practically any guy would be an improvement over me.

tvguy · Apr 25, 2019

Julie's Haircut said:
Yes, proper estate planning is essential to avoid such situations.

My aunt's (blood uncle's wife) father died and her mother inherited everything. It was apparently his wish that his surviving children eventually receive his estate but this wasn't specified in his will.

The mother remarried about five years later. She never got around to making a will. The mother died in a car accident about six months after the marriage. In the absence of a will the new husband inherited the mother's assets. The husband was willing to work with my aunt and her siblings but in the midst of negotiations he suddenly died of a heart attack.

Then the husband's estranged daughter, who no one even knew existed, popped out of the woodwork to legally claim everything. There was a lawsuit filed, but this daughter was the sole legal heir. The daughter was eventually persuaded to return some sentimental items and jewelry, but in the end wound up with the bulk of what was "supposed to be" my aunt and her siblings' inheritance.

When I die, if my wife decides to remarry, practically any guy would be an improvement over me.

And there can be state laws that may be in conflict with a will. My wife's father died in 2004. Her step-mother's car was registered in his name, only. My wife had to sign and have notarized a form releasing all claims to the car. Apparently in Texas, the law says if a blood relative is alive, they have rights to motor vehicles over a spouse even if a will specifies the spouse inherit the car. That could have been a mess if she decided to claim the car from her step-mother.
And when her mom passed, her mom's car was only registered in her late husband's name, and he has been deceased for 5 years. So she sold a car she never actually owned! The money had to go into a Probate account until a Judge released it. Same with the house. Her mom never finished her estate planning. She said it was too much work. Mind you, she was Office Manager for a law firm and it would have cost her nothing to set everything up right, she just didn't do it.

smiths02 · Apr 25, 2019

tvguy said:
And there can be state laws that may be in conflict with a will. My wife's father died in 2004. Her step-mother's car was registered in his name, only. My wife had to sign and have notarized a form releasing all claims to the car. Apparently in Texas, the law says if a blood relative is alive, they have rights to motor vehicles over a spouse even if a will specifies the spouse inherit the car. That could have been a mess if she decided to claim the car from her step-mother.
And when her mom passed, her mom's car was only registered in her late husband's name, and he has been deceased for 5 years. So she sold a car she never actually owned! The money had to go into a Probate account until a Judge released it. Same with the house. Her mom never finished her estate planning. She said it was too much work. Mind you, she was Office Manager for a law firm and it would have cost her nothing to set everything up right, she just didn't do it.

In GA, I know there are issues with how house ownership works if joint owners. I know even though my spouse and I each leave everything to one another and we both own our house together, we had to sign something at house closing that we want the house to go to the other person.

georgina · Apr 25, 2019

I would not feel that I needed anyone's permission to date again if DH passed. It's not their call. I would certainly take steps with my estate to make sure it went to my kids, or give much of it to them outright, if I was to marry again. We have had the conversation about Alzheimer's. There have been stories in the news about women in facilities who have forgotten who their spouses are, and the men have started new relationships. I have said that would be fine with me if that should happen.

fortwildernessishome · Apr 25, 2019

My Dad passed in 2005, three weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. He was only 61 and had been in perfect health up until about a month before he was diagnosed. My parents had been married 42 years. I only saw my Dad tear up twice in my life, when he was in the hospital a week before he passed, just the two of us were in his room. He said to me that if he didn't make it that he wanted my Mom to continue to live a full life and he was fine if she found someone to share it with. The reason for his tears was because he was sad at the thought of his life ending.

A week later right before he passed, our family was all around his bed telling him how much we loved him. He kept trying to say something, but we couldn't understand him. This went on for a few minutes, I then said, "I think Dad is trying to tell you that he is fine if you go on to find something new". Right after I said that Dad quieted down and passed minutes later. My parents had quite the love story and Dad expressed that love in the minutes before his death.

We were so heart broken after my Dads death. My Mom couldn't imagine EVER meeting anyone else. But, eight years later she did. We couldn't be happier about it. Mom and Dad loved to travel and go on adventures together. We of course, included Mom in all of our vacations, but now she has someone to share life with, in addition to her kids. They don't live together and will never get married, but they are together almost daily, going out to eat, the movies, shopping, and they travel with a tour group 4-5 times a year. The gentleman is a godsent!! We all feel so blessed to see Mom happy and enjoying life.

Had my Dad not shared his wishes with me, I don't know if my Mom would have had peace about opening her life up to a new man.

I have told my husband that life is for the living and if I pass, I want him to be happy and enjoy life and if having a companion makes him happy then that is what I want for him.

DLgal · Apr 25, 2019

We joke about this all the time. We are both okay with the other moving on if one of us passes. I feel like this is the kind of conversation every married couple should have throughout their marriage. I mean, technically I will not remarry before age 55 because I don't want to lose my surviving spouse military retirement/insurance benefits, but my husband is basically under my orders to find someone else upon my death because he is the kind of person who does not do well without companionship. He would be so miserable alone. I would probably be okay alone. I prefer being by myself and could potentially be very happy that way for the rest of my life, but I wouldn't put the idea of having a relationship completely off the table. Rather, I'd not actively seek it out, but if happened, so be it.

Searc · Apr 25, 2019

DH and I have talked about it, but neither one of us is dying. I have no desire to remarry if he should pass before me. He says the same. He could change his mind down the road, but I'm obviously not going to care, seeing as I'm dead.

china mom · Apr 25, 2019

My DH isn't dying but we decided to have this conversation the other day. he asked me if he died, would I remarry.

I thought about it for a bit and said that after an appropriate period of mourning, I might be inclined to date again and possibly remarry.

He then asked if I found a new man would I let him sleep in out marital bed. I thought about it for a while and responded that if after an appropriate time of mourning I met a guy and wanted to be intimate with him, I would probably allow him in our bed, after all, we did spend a lot of money on it and it is a quality bed.

He then asked would I let him wear his clothes. I responded that my husband has impeccable taste in clothes and some very expensive suits so if, after an appropriate time of mourning, I met and fell in love, i would let him ear the clothes.

My husband accepted that logic and after some thougth he asked, would you let him use my golf clubs.

I replied "Oh, no, he's left handed"

Mortlives · Apr 25, 2019

Late DH used to joke about this. He told one of my close friends that she was his back up plan if I died. And no, I don't feel I need his permission to date again. We had many happy years together, and I plan to continue having happy years. It was hard at first, but time goes on and so must we.

'Permission' to date again after spouse passes

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