Would you be mad? Cancelling via text message... Vacation plans

Deferring to text message instead of the normal phone call was nothing more than an attempt to control the situation in case OP pushed back. The second text doubled down on the attempt to draw OP to either react angrily, therefore making the friend the victim of the situation; or as a prompt for OP to offer up understanding and dismiss any idea that there was any reason to be upset. Silence on the subject or an entirely noncommittal response is the only way to go.

I have never in 55 years had an adult "double down" and demand a reaction such as "being in tears". Where do some of you meet these people??

I would never in a million years take it that way because I have never had anyone do such a thing. My response would probably be "yes, I am prostrate with grief at this very moment" and add to the text --said in a very Scarlett O'hara voice. Because I would take it as a joke and joke back with my friend.

And I would also have simply asked, what's the deal with the dog and how is he stopping you?
 
I would be mad. AND I wouldn't ever make travel plans with them again. After 2 flake outs in a row, I would be very wary. But this 3rd one? Yeah, that would be the end of big get togethers with them. I would distance myself from the friendship. Wouldn't necessarily ghost the person or stop talking to them altogether...just talk to the person a lot less frequently.

Sometimes some people are just lousy friends. Or self absorbed. Or flighty. It's more of a problem about them than it is about you. But you totally have every right to be upset over it!
 
I understand where you're coming from but the friend made a commitment to the OP. Plans were lined up. I don't think fostering a dog qualifies as a valid reason to break that commitment. There will be more dogs in the future that really need a good home.
We spent about a year waiting for the perfect dog (smaller, short hair, sweet, housebroken, crate trained...). The only requirement this one didn’t meet was she was only three months old, I wanted an older dog, but just because I wanted a housebroken dog. My previous dog was purchased from a pet store, and kind of a nightmare. Making a 15 year commitment to a pet is a big deal to me.
 
OP I certainly wouldn't end the 18 year friendship with your friend. I'd be upset and just learn not to make those kind of plans with her. I do agree, she should have at least had the courtesy to tell you via phone not text. :hug:
 


I'd be annoyed. And just not count on travel plans with them in the future. If you choose to go, I'd go with the possibility that they would cancel.
 
Did they pay for their portion of the trip? If so, their loss, go anyway and live it up! If they left you on the hook, that's another story. Needless to say, they are on their own from now on either way.
 


You've been friends for 18 years, & this is the 3rd time they've cancelled? How many times have they not cancelled?

I'd probably be a little irked, but my level of "irkness" would depend on a couple of different things:

1. Were they just coming to your house for a visit or had you made plans to travel together & is some nonrefundable money involved (I wasn't clear from your OP)?

2. Do they always cancel or is this just the 3rd time out of 10 times? Like, if over the years, you've planned different get-togethers, have they cancelled each time or is this the 3rd time they've cancelled out of however many times you've made plans?

Texting wouldn't bother me - especially in this case, because I think she was texting so she could show you the picture of the dog. (Also, like other PPs have suggested, she could have been texting because she felt guilty & didn't want to have a voice conversation w/ you, but, if that's the case, then that's on her.)

Of course, something like this would also make me hesitate to make plans w/ them again.

And I'm not sure what she meant by the reply text where she said she thought you'd be in tears. I might have sent back a "???" text, but that would be it.

Like others have said, I wouldn't engage in any kind of drama.
 
I have never in 55 years had an adult "double down" and demand a reaction such as "being in tears". Where do some of you meet these people??

I would never in a million years take it that way because I have never had anyone do such a thing. My response would probably be "yes, I am prostrate with grief at this very moment" and add to the text --said in a very Scarlett O'hara voice. Because I would take it as a joke and joke back with my friend.

And I would also have simply asked, what's the deal with the dog and how is he stopping you?

What on earth is supposed to be meant by the bold? Who said anything about meeting anybody? I thought people were simply discussing the situation and offering up their opinions?

If I had to guess, the dog in this situation is stopping them because that's what their choice is.
 
OP you seem quite fixated on the text vs phone call. There are things that I absolutely agree are so much easier and appropriate for a phone call. But this doesn't strike me as one of them. Could she have physically called? Yeah she chose not to but try not to take offense to that. It's more of a minor detail to me personaly.

I could see her being disappointed about not being able to go to NYC though that's a bit much to make you feel bad for going anyways. So that part I'm less inclined to be totally cool with. Even with disappointment you should keep that sort of comment unsaid in this exact context.

I'm guessing though over the years of friendship this is probably a couple who can at times be flakey or maybe find themselves easier to cancel on you in favor of something else. I get being annoyed by that, I've had that before. We've dealt with it more recently with my husband's sister. We just stopped inviting her to big things though since she's graduated college a few years ago it's been better (she used to cancel on us all the time to go to basketball games last minute). I would probably opt to not make vacation plans with them for a while.

I've been friends with my best friend for 25 years. No this is not something I would end a friendship over. By this point I know how she is and she knows how I am and we still continue to grow as individuals. We also have been for a long time comfortable enough with each other to discuss our frustrations, disappointments, etc in manner in which we can still be respectful of each other.

As for the "wow I thought you would be in tears" comment I'm going with the friend expected more of an upset reaction because that's probably how it's been or at least the friend knew the OP's expectations regarding making plans and whatnot. My friends over the years knew that I disliked being late (because that's how I grew up), that it annoyed me when plans were changed or cancelled (because that's how I grew up--you stuck with your plans). BUT over the years I learned to adjust that, to ease up on it. I still remember the time my friend was late and she was apologetic and whatnot and I was so chillax about it she had this shocked look on her face. Without any other details that's how I would interpret that comment. Not necessarily that it was an emotional manipulation. But that is purely IMO.
 
I would be irritated, but not surprised. I would not end the friendship, but I would not make any travel plans with them.
 
Op, I had family members bail on me via text message the night before a preplanned trip. This was 2 months after my mother suddenly passed, so I really needed them there. Come to find out they went to party with friends in another city.

I felt what they did was selfish, but had every right to do. The other group was more fun, while I was in mourning, I guess. I love them, but now keep my guard up and expectations low.

I wonder if your friend made other plans? I know friends are different from family, but 18 years is a long time. Only you can determine how much the relationship means to you.
 
How weird that she would think that you and your husband would also stay home from a paid for trip to NYC because they wanted to cancel going.

She sounds upset that you are not heartbroken that she canceled again. I would not give them the satisfaction of knowing you are upset, she seems to enjoy that. I would, however, never make any vacation plans with them again.
 
One thing I'm unclear on. Were they coming to stay with you for the weekend or were all of you going on a trip somewhere.
 
What on earth is supposed to be meant by the bold? Who said anything about meeting anybody? I thought people were simply discussing the situation and offering up their opinions?

If I had to guess, the dog in this situation is stopping them because that's what their choice is.


Well it seems logical that you have experienced someone doing something like that to have that opinion. Just as I wouldn't go to that opinion because I have never experienced anyone doing such a thing.

As for your guess about the dog, that would be my guess too but I would still ask the friend.
 
There are enough details missing that I can’t address the OP’s particular situation. But my personal opinion, and the way I relate to the people in my life, is that you don’t cancel plans just because “something better” comes along. Medical issue, that’s fine. Boss called you in for overtime? It happens. But if you want to cancel plans with me because you got a last minute invite to a party, or another friend wants to hang out, that’s not OK. I wouldn’t do that to my friends/family and I won’t tolerate it in return. We all respect each other enough to be able to tell someone “I am sorry, but I have a prior commitment that day.” If someone did cancel on me without good cause, the first time I probably wouldn’t drop the friendship completely, but I wouldn’t be making any plans of any kind for a very long time. Twice? They are no longer a member of my circle.

There may be enough to this story that it’s worth keeping the friendship, or it may be time to let it go. Only the OP knows the whole story and whether their limits have been reached.
 
Well it seems logical that you have experienced someone doing something like that to have that opinion. Just as I wouldn't go to that opinion because I have never experienced anyone doing such a thing.

As for your guess about the dog, that would be my guess too but I would still ask the friend.

If you wanted to throw shade at me it seems unnecessary to couch it with "some of you people". Using common sense and drawing on my studies in the area of psychology is actually something I do regularly as part of assessments I perform on the job. I don't make it a practice not to follow through on a file simply because I've never experienced someone doing X or behaving the way some of the clients do.

So my opinion about the dog meets with your acceptance because it comports with yours?
 
We've had experienced similar things before. Friends like these typically weed themselves out of our life. Honestly I'm not a big fan of traveling with friends becuase of the possible issues that can arise to stress the relationship.

Next month we're traveling to Europe with 5 other families. We will be traveling with them n France for a week before spending the following week and half just ourselves, but I am anticipating some stress. We've already had one family drop out of the trip leaving us with many of the costs as it was nonrefundable. DH has pretty much cut that friend out as he gave him multiple opportunities to back out.
 

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