Childless By Choice

We do not have children by choice. This is our second marriage. I am 49 and we decided this for sure at least 10 years ag (my husband is older than I am). I went through a rather nasty divorce during the time in my life when I thought I would have children. However, to be completely honest, I was never 100% sold on having kids. I was more of a wait and see kind of person about having kids.

While I have not ever really been rudely questioned or pushed on the subject, it is sometimes awkward. Many people assume you have children (especially when you say you are married) and when you answer you don't have kids, sometimes there is a strained silence for a moment. However, I just move along.

Sometimes, I do worry about myself when I get older, especially since my husband is older than I am. But, it is really too soon to start obsessing about that. As a matter of fact, I am about at the point of contemplating an early retirement of sorts, which would never have been possible if I had children and the associated costs and responsibilities.

It is not selfish to not have children. I also find it insulting when people think that you don't have kids because you would somehow be an unfit parent. There are plenty of people bringing children into bad situations and raising kids who do not become productive members of society. However, it is not appropriate to call anyone out on that..lol!
 
MrsJackSparrow4Life said:
Well I have children but my 18 year old daughter has said she doesn’t want to have children since she was 6 years old. A lot of people in the family think she will change her mind eventually but I don’t think she will. I have absolutely no problem only having grand puppies so I am not going to pressure her into something she doesn’t want.
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My daughter always says that too and I am hoping she will change her mind- she is my only shot at being a grandma. I probably should have had 2 kids to increase my shot of being grandma but I just had the one. The guy she has been dating for 2 years wants 4 kids so don't know how this is going to turn out LOL. I hope they "split the difference" and have 2!
 
I mean really why do people care so much about what others decide for themselves?

I make it a habit not to explain myself to anyone. I don't care how, when or why people do the things they do.

Don't want kids? Good for you that you know your mind. Good for you that you don't give into pressure from family, friends, society.

Want kids? I hope that you have health and happiness on your journey. I hope you know your mind enough to know that you can handle it.

Have kids already? Teach them not to judge people's life choices.
 
I got one comment today from my grandma about how it's "not too late" to have kids. So yeah, it happens. She had 5 children though and has a zillion grandkids/step-grandkids, and just really loves babies. I probably wouldn't have thought much of it except for this discussion, as I'm so used to it.
 


amberpi said:
I got one comment today from my grandma about how it's "not too late" to have kids. So yeah, it happens. She had 5 children though and has a zillion grandkids/step-grandkids, and just really loves babies. I probably wouldn't have thought much of it except for this discussion, as I'm so used to it.
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And it doesn't stop when you finally decide to have a kid at age 36. My kid was 6 days old when someone asked when I was having another one. :sad2:

It's an entirely new set of questions when you say "one and done."
 
Julie's Haircut said:
Yep. I knew by the time I was in college that I never wanted to be a father. Yep, I'm selfish and never wanted the cost and responsibility that would be involved.

I acknowledge it's far easier for men than women to remain childless and not be judged for the decision.
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This pretty well sums up my situation. I don't regret it and would do the same all over again.
 
Farro said:
I don't just mean men I meet in my life, I'm talking what I read on different message boards, social media, etc. Whenever this topic comes up, I see a lot of men chime in with their opinion on women who decide not to have children. And they have pretty strong opinions.

Perhaps you get a different reaction also because you don't want children right now, not that you don't want children ever. :)

Also, to clarify, it's not like I'm saying that everyday I'm asked about why I don't have children. It doesn't happen much at all anymore. But I'm relaying my experiences of what it was like when it did happen.
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Oh OK, that changes things a bit. :confused3 I always wonder when issues like this come up in threads, who exactly are all these rude, intrusive people that harass and harangue family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers about their life choices. It makes much more sense that you're often referring to on-line encounters, not actual people you have to contend with.

When the whole point of message boards is an anonymous platform for people to express their opinions, it should come as no surprise when they do so. Does anybody really take it to heart? If so, why?
barkley said:
thanks for the clarification.

my maternal grandfather (born 1894) was the first member of the family to be born in the u.s. (i believe his mother was pregnant with him when they departed ireland). grandpa practiced allot of the irish catholic traditions he was raised with but he raised both his dd's (he limited himself to 2 children) to be independent and self reliant. both my mom and aunt (born around 1920) always said they never felt that marriage/children were their only options in life.
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Was there a grandmother involved at any point and if so, did she get a vote? :rolleyes1
Hikergirl said:
It seems that was implemented for economic reasons and not to force married women to become "baby makers".
It was thought that since women were married they were supported by their husbands and therefore did not need to be employed, and it didn't matter if they had children or not. That left job openings for men and single women especially during times of high unemployment.
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ashley0139 said:
I'm not sure why anyone thinks not having kids is selfish. It's selfish either way. Parents have kids because they want them. That's selfish too.
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I agree. Very, very few people I know, myself included, ever discuss having children as "taking one for the team". By definition, anything we do solely because we want to is selfish and possibly precludes other courses of action that would actually benefit others.
 
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ronandannette said:
Oh, OK, that changes things a bit. :confused3 I always wonder when issues like this come up in threads, who exactly are all these rude, intrusive people that harass and harangue family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers about their life choices. It makes much more sense that you're often referring to on-line encounters, not actual people you have to contend with.

When the whole point of message boards is an anonymous platform for people to express their opinions, it should come as no surprise when they do so. Does anybody really take it to heart? If so, why?
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It happens in real life too. I think that it's portrayed as such a casual, natural part of a conversation, other people don't see how it may be intrusive. It's online where I've seen the real nastiness.

Work - getting to know people at a new job. The women and men talk to me, get to know me, see pictures of the two of us. Them -Do you have children? Me - No. :) Them - why not? You will soon. Me - No, we just don't want them, but I have two cats. Them - oh you'll change your mind.

That conversation has happened more times than I can count on both hands (obviously not just a new jobs). Even after people know me for a while, they will still try to convince me that I really do want kids. ;) And I don't take it to heart, I know people don't really mean to be intrusive. But believe me, I can also tell when other women are judging me for it, I just smile and move on.
 
morgan98 said:
Sometimes, I do worry about myself when I get older, especially since my husband is older than I am. But, it is really too soon to start obsessing about that. As a matter of fact, I am about at the point of contemplating an early retirement of sorts, which would never have been possible if I had children and the associated costs and responsibilities.
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Yes, this is the part I think about the most. I prepare as best I can and I will let the chips fall where they may. I don't want to spend my middle age years constantly fearful about what if I'm alone when I'm old? It can happen to anyone, kids or no kids.

See? This thread is nice way to connect those of us with something in common. :) This is honestly not a conversation (this in depth) I have often in my life. Let's all of us have happy, fulfilling lives!
 
Society has these rules you are supposed to follow:

You are single. You are constantly asked when you will date someone

You date someone. You are constantly asked when you will get married

You get married. You are constantly asked when you will have kids

You have a child. You are constantly asked when you will have a second child

You have a second child. Congratulations!!! You have fulfilled your duty. You have won at life (bonus points if you have a boy AND a girl!). The intrusive questions stop!! Yay!

BTW if you get stuck at any of these levels, the questions will not stop unless you age out or die.
 
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Farro said:
It happens in real life too. I think that it's portrayed as such a casual, natural part of a conversation, other people don't see how it may be intrusive. It's online where I've seen the real nastiness.

Work - getting to know people at a new job. The women and men talk to me, get to know me, see pictures of the two of us. Them -Do you have children? Me - No. :) Them - why not? You will soon. Me - No, we just don't want them, but I have two cats. Them - oh you'll change your mind.

That conversation has happened more times than I can count on both hands (obviously not just a new jobs). Even after people know me for a while, they will still try to convince me that I really do want kids. ;) And I don't take it to heart, I know people don't really mean to be intrusive. But believe me, I can also tell when other women are judging me for it, I just smile and move on.
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I'll take your word for it - no reason for me not to believe you. :flower3: But please believe me as well when I say I've lived a loooong time and have a pretty diverse set of familial, professional and social connections. I honestly can't ever remember being part of a conversation like this with anyone. My own parents never even asked; not once and I was "advanced in age" before DS came along. I'd certainly never ask anyone with the possible exception of my own son and even then I wouldn't ask his (theoretical) wife nor would I argue with either of them over their response.
 
ronandannette said:
I'll take your word for it - no reason for me not to believe you. :flower3: But please believe me as well when I say I've lived a loooong time and have a pretty diverse set of familial, professional and social connections. I honestly can't ever remember being part of a conversation like this with anyone. My own parents never even asked; not once and I was "advanced in age" before DS came along. I'd certainly never ask anyone with the possible exception of my own son and even then I wouldn't ask his (theoretical) wife nor would I argue with either of them over their response.
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Well, it happens. :) Again, this is not an everyday occurrence.

It's not that anyone is arguing with me about my response or that they are trying to be mean/rude.

It's the fact they are offering an opinion on my choice, period. Like I said, they are asking me, I'm not offering it up as a topic of conversation. You really haven't been around people asking each other if they have kids? Maybe I'm friendly and I give off a vibe of hey, ask me anything! ;)

If I say I don't want kids, there is no need to tell me I may change my mind, convince me why I should want them, how you can't imagine your life without them or tell the story of the woman they knew who didn't want kids, but had them and is now happier than ever.

Can you see how that would be annoying? It's the fact people feel that they can say that to me, or that I would want to hear it.
But honestly, this really isn't something that affects or even upsets me. I don't even think about this in my everyday life.
I'm busy waiting for the stupid 2020 package pricing to come out for Disney!!!
:rotfl:
 
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I am an adoptive mother of two. When I was in high school, I was pretty ambivalent about having children. I wasn't 100% opposed but thought I'd be fine to be childless, too. However, my husband wanted children and once I was married I found that I too, wanted children. However, actually getting them turned out to be more difficult than we expected. :( (The point of my story is *not* that other people will change their minds.)

Anyway, I got the same kinds of questions as others have mentioned -- when you've been married for several years without kids, it seems to be something people ask. I don't think they necessarily *intend* to be nosey. I also didn't want to go into detail about our infertility struggles so I was generally very non-commital when asked about future children: "Oh, I don't know. We'll see. I'm not sure." Which led to more questions or statements like "Don't wait too long."

Similarly, when you've got young children, it's surprising how many people want to talk about your "birth story" or their birth story. Very uncomfortable when you don't have one but don't really want to share the details of your child's adoption with casual acquaintances. I think it's one of those things that people talked about and as long as you have something to contribute, you might not even notice. It's just small talk to them. They don't mean to be rude, but...
 
Farro said:
Well, it happens. :) Again, this is not an everyday occurrence.

It's not that anyone is arguing with me about my response or that they are trying to be mean/rude.

It's the fact they are offering an opinion on my choice, period. Like I said, they are asking me, I'm not offering it up as a topic of conversation. You really haven't been around people asking each other if they have kids? Maybe I'm friendly and I give off a vibe of hey, ask me anything! ;)

If I say I don't want kids, there is no need to tell me I may change my mind, convince me why I should want them, how you can't imagine your life without them or tell the story of the woman they knew who didn't want kids, but had them and is now happier than ever.

Can you see how that would be annoying? It's the fact people feel that they can say that to me, or that I would want to hear it.
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Of course that question comes up often in small talk and moreso when people are actually trying to get to know one another. It's the discourse you mention coming after the response "No, we don't" that I find odd. :confused3 In my world the conversation simply changes then to some other topic people do have in common.
 
ronandannette said:
Of course that question comes up often in small talk and moreso when people are actually trying to get to know one another. It's the discourse you mention coming after the response "No, we don't" that I find odd. :confused3 In my world the conversation simply changes then to some other topic people do have in common.
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I guess we just have different experiences. :)

Another favorite is whenever there was a baby-shower at work, the other women would say to me "you're next!".
 
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mjkacmom said:
I couldn’t care less who decides to have kids, but I’m curious who takes care of those that don’t later on. My mom had an uncle who never married or had kids, that she took care of at the end, I took care of my parents. My dad has Alzheimer’s, so even with a caregiver, managing his home, bills, doctors appointments, prescriptions, etc. was a lot of work.
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My great Aunt had no children (not by choice, she had three miscarriages) As she aged, both my Mom and I jumped in to help her. My Mom took care of all of the paperwork/insurance etc. We both took turns getting her to various appts. I took her shopping or did her errands. She spent all of her Holidays with my family as I was growing up, and then when I married and had my own home, she spent them all with me.

Currently, I am helping an elderly friend with chemo, appointments, wig fittings, shopping etc. She has five kids and a ton of grandchildren, but none appear to be helping. Its very sad.

I have to say that I am surprised to see all of the comments from people who say their childless friends have never been asked why they don't have kids or the comments that someone was childless for many years into their marriage and no one ever said anything!!! I have two kids, but didn't have my first until I had been married for over 6 years (our choice) and I was asked TONS of times if we were going to have kids etc.!!!
 
design_mom said:
I am an adoptive mother of two. When I was in high school, I was pretty ambivalent about having children. I wasn't 100% opposed but thought I'd be fine to be childless, too. However, my husband wanted children and once I was married I found that I too, wanted children. However, actually getting them turned out to be more difficult than we expected. :( (The point of my story is *not* that other people will change their minds.)

Anyway, I got the same kinds of questions as others have mentioned -- when you've been married for several years without kids, it seems to be something people ask. I don't think they necessarily *intend* to be nosey. I also didn't want to go into detail about our infertility struggles so I was generally very non-commital when asked about future children: "Oh, I don't know. We'll see. I'm not sure." Which led to more questions or statements like "Don't wait too long."

Similarly, when you've got young children, it's surprising how many people want to talk about your "birth story" or their birth story. Very uncomfortable when you don't have one but don't really want to share the details of your child's adoption with casual acquaintances. I think it's one of those things that people talked about and as long as you have something to contribute, you might not even notice. It's just small talk to them. They don't mean to be rude, but...
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It's amazing to me that parents don't even consider that people without kids might be having fertility issues and don't want to go into details of why they don't have kids. Does that not even cross people's minds?
 
fortwildernessishome said:
My great Aunt had no children (not by choice, she had three miscarriages) As she aged, both my Mom and I jumped in to help her. My Mom took care of all of the paperwork/insurance etc. We both took turns getting her to various appts. I took her shopping or did her errands. She spent all of her Holidays with my family as I was growing up, and then when I married and had my own home, she spent them all with me.

Currently, I am helping an elderly friend with chemo, appointments, wig fittings, shopping etc. She has five kids and a ton of grandchildren, but none appear to be helping. Its very sad.

I have to say that I am surprised to see all of the comments from people who say their childless friends have never been asked why they don't have kids or the comments that someone was childless for many years into their marriage and no one ever said anything!!! I have two kids, but didn't have my first until I had been married for over 6 years (our choice) and I was asked TONS of times if we were going to have kids etc.!!!
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:love2: Bless you! Definitely having kids as a hedge against isolation and vulnerability is not a sure thing.
 
Kitty 34 said:
I think my boys are still doing "rock, paper, scissors" to see who gets good ole Mom if Dad goes first or seriously vice versa!!! :rotfl:
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Good luck! At least you've got a shot that one of them will do their duty. ;) I've got all my proverbial eggs in one rather precarious basket and I pray daily DS marries a merciful woman! :thumbsup2
 
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