MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL TO AIR FIGHTS BETWEEN FANS INSTEAD OF FOOTBALL
Drunken Brawls More Compelling Than Game, ABC Says
After a brawl in the stands interrupted this weeks edition of ABCs Monday Night Football, executives at the struggling network have decided to stop covering football on Monday nights to focus on fan fights instead.
After reviewing the tapes, we found that the fights in the stands were much more compelling than what was happening down on the field, said Peter Greider, an executive at ABC Sports.
Next weeks broadcast will kick off with singer Hank Williams Jr. asking the musical question, Are you ready for a beer brawl?
To enhance its coverage, ABC will employ slow-motion replays of wild punches thrown by ruddy-faced, liquored-up fans and will introduce the BeerCam, a miniature camera that will give a beers-eye view of the drunken brawls.
ABCs Greider insisted that beer-fueled fan fights were in the grand tradition of athletic competition, dating back to Roman times.
Drunken fans are our modern-day gladiators, he said.
In other television news, executives at CBS who had been seeking a regime change at CBS Early Show justified their decision to oust host Jane Clayson, accusing Ms. Clayson of using weapons of mispronunciation.
But a new study from the Brookings Institute said that the task of rebuilding The Early Show in the aftermath of Ms. Claysons departure would be a daunting one.
In a worst-case scenario, the Brookings study warned, power could eventually fall into the hands of such destabilizing rogue hosts as Harry Smith and Deborah Norville, plunging the cellar-dwelling program into ratings chaos.
****Borowitz Reports****
Drunken Brawls More Compelling Than Game, ABC Says
After a brawl in the stands interrupted this weeks edition of ABCs Monday Night Football, executives at the struggling network have decided to stop covering football on Monday nights to focus on fan fights instead.
After reviewing the tapes, we found that the fights in the stands were much more compelling than what was happening down on the field, said Peter Greider, an executive at ABC Sports.
Next weeks broadcast will kick off with singer Hank Williams Jr. asking the musical question, Are you ready for a beer brawl?
To enhance its coverage, ABC will employ slow-motion replays of wild punches thrown by ruddy-faced, liquored-up fans and will introduce the BeerCam, a miniature camera that will give a beers-eye view of the drunken brawls.
ABCs Greider insisted that beer-fueled fan fights were in the grand tradition of athletic competition, dating back to Roman times.
Drunken fans are our modern-day gladiators, he said.
In other television news, executives at CBS who had been seeking a regime change at CBS Early Show justified their decision to oust host Jane Clayson, accusing Ms. Clayson of using weapons of mispronunciation.
But a new study from the Brookings Institute said that the task of rebuilding The Early Show in the aftermath of Ms. Claysons departure would be a daunting one.
In a worst-case scenario, the Brookings study warned, power could eventually fall into the hands of such destabilizing rogue hosts as Harry Smith and Deborah Norville, plunging the cellar-dwelling program into ratings chaos.
****Borowitz Reports****
