Adoption transparency measure passes hurdle in NYS Senate

[msjprincess]

And that is where therapy comes in. I have never in my almost 40 years EVER felt like I was "given away". My parents were very honest from the beginning about my adoption. My bio mom was an 18 year old who was completely unfit to care for a child. There is NO shame in that. Due to circumstances, my parents tried to adopt my half sister, but were unable to. I know I have another half sister out there. It too my bio mom some years to get her act together. Should she have had contact with me during those formative years? Yeah NO! It sounds like you know people who's adoptions were handled poorly. That is where therapy and possible medication comes in. There is NO shame in needing any of that. Taking away the needed and WANTED anonymity is a HUGE mistake. I personally have no need to be found. So should my info be out there for my sisters to find me? No it shouldn't. I would be so angry if anyone from my bio family just showed up and tried to contact me without my permission. I have had friends who have found their bio family no problem, others have encountered problems. I have a family. I have in laws. I do not need to find anyone else. So their "Desire" to find more family trumps my desire to remain anonymous?

You bring up a good point. What if it was the other way around and biological parents were given the information of the child without their consent? Would the OP be ok with bio parents showing up on the doorstep of people that have no desire to meet them?

 

[ashley0139]

It's clear that OP has huge issues regarding adoption and can't think rationally about the issues surrounding it. Therapy would probably be extremely useful.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I wouldn't know then would I? If people need to give away their children then just make it an open adoption, have open contact. Don't make it seem like the child did anything wrong

Oh, wow. It's really too bad you were raised or allowed to think you did something wrong. Gotta agree with PPs. Counseling.

The mothers have had 18+ years to come to terms with what they did, now it is time for the children to have some answers

No. The mother's in New York have now had about four days to come to terms that "closed adoption", "sealed birth certificate", and whatever other seeming guarantees are suddenly Poof! Out the window!

Any adopted isn't only not not wanted, they're wanted by both the birth mother who carried to term and the person/s adopting them, and likely other hopeful adoptive parents.

 

[easyas123]

You bring up a good point. What if it was the other way around and biological parents were given the information of the child without their consent? Would the OP be ok with bio parents showing up on the doorstep of people that have no desire to meet them?

What a excellent point.

 

[Kaleidodad]

Well, this would have saved me 7 years of research to determine my dad's biological parents in New York! I was eventually able to piece it all together via AncestryDNA ... which is also what makes this big change sort of a moot point. Readily available and affordable genetic testing means there's no locking away this kind of information going forward anyway.

 

[gwynne]

Readily available and affordable genetic testing means there's no locking away this kind of information going forward anyway.

I guess I don't have a particularly flippant reaction to this statement. It's sad. Because going forward, there's only one path to privacy for women who find themselves in a difficult situation.
This is no great societal advance to me.

 

[mjkacmom]

I guess I don't have a particularly flippant reaction to this statement. It's sad. Because going forward, there's only one path to privacy for women who find themselves in a difficult situation.
This is no great societal advance to me.

I think the shame of unwed mothers today is virtually gone, most adoptions are open anyway. I would think that the majority of women giving up children for adoption would rather have the chance to reconnect at some point. If not, just say no thank you.

 

[Kaleidodad]

I guess I don't have a particularly flippant reaction to this statement. It's sad. Because going forward, there's only one path to privacy for women who find themselves in a difficult situation.
This is no great societal advance to me.

It's not flippant, it is just a statement of reality in today's world. In the push and pull between interests who want to keep information private or make it public, the secret-keepers are only going to keep losing ground going forward.

As the saying goes, "Information wants to be free"... and it has more help now than ever before.

 

[pigletliz]

I think the shame of unwed mothers today is virtually gone, most adoptions are open anyway. I would think that the majority of women giving up children for adoption would rather have the chance to reconnect at some point. If not, just say no thank you.

The shame may or may be gone, but I am guessing the extreme difficulty in making the decision has not gone away. I think providing the medical information is good, but I don't agree with giving the identity unless BOTH ( all) parties agree to it.

 

[AppleDumpling]

This legislation doesn’t affect me, but clearly raises many ethical and emotional issues. I can understand the position of many adoptees, and yet it just seems wrong to take away the rights of birth parents who made decisions decades ago, based on the assurance of sealed records.

There is one question I have. OP and others talk about obtaining access to medical history. Where does that info come from and wouldn’t it be protected under HIPAA laws? In cases where bio parents reconnect on good terms, of course they could give it voluntarily, but what about those who don’t wish to be contacted? Are you referring only to genetic markers identified through DNA testing?

 

[Searc]

I think the shame of unwed mothers today is virtually gone, most adoptions are open anyway. I would think that the majority of women giving up children for adoption would rather have the chance to reconnect at some point. If not, just say no thank you.

There are many other not ideal situations that may lead to an unwanted pregnancy.

 

[disneymom3]

I think the shame of unwed mothers today is virtually gone, most adoptions are open anyway. I would think that the majority of women giving up children for adoption would rather have the chance to reconnect at some point. If not, just say no thank you.

My daughter goes to school with a young woman of a particular faith. She is 21. Over this past summer, she was repeatedly raped by her uncle. If this was known, she would be blamed and shunned by her entire family. She is pregnant and has hidden it from her family. If they knew, not only would she be shunned but so would the baby. She would not be “allowed” to give it up. The baby is due in April And she is already working with an adoption organization. Her intention is for no one beyond a very small circle of people to ever know that she was pregnant.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My daughter goes to school with a young woman of a particular faith. She is 21. Over this past summer, she was repeatedly raped by her uncle. If this was known, she would be blamed and shunned by her entire family. She is pregnant and has hidden it from her family. If they knew, not only would she be shunned but so would the baby. She would not be “allowed” to give it up. The baby is due in April And she is already working with an adoption organization. Her intention is for no one beyond a very small circle of people to ever know that she was pregnant.

I hope she is not found out and that she has a Plan B and C. She could press charges but I suppose that is out of the question.

 

[superme80]

My daughter goes to school with a young woman of a particular faith. She is 21. Over this past summer, she was repeatedly raped by her uncle. If this was known, she would be blamed and shunned by her entire family. She is pregnant and has hidden it from her family. If they knew, not only would she be shunned but so would the baby. She would not be “allowed” to give it up. The baby is due in April And she is already working with an adoption organization. Her intention is for no one beyond a very small circle of people to ever know that she was pregnant.

How awful. I wish her the best getting to a healthy mindset. That poor woman.

 

[mjkacmom]

My daughter goes to school with a young woman of a particular faith. She is 21. Over this past summer, she was repeatedly raped by her uncle. If this was known, she would be blamed and shunned by her entire family. She is pregnant and has hidden it from her family. If they knew, not only would she be shunned but so would the baby. She would not be “allowed” to give it up. The baby is due in April And she is already working with an adoption organization. Her intention is for no one beyond a very small circle of people to ever know that she was pregnant.

It sounds like she has much bigger issues than her child making contact in 18 years. She’s an adult who has been assaulted many times, and hasn’t pressed charges. Hopefully the other victims will step forward. This woman obviously needs to see a mental health professional. How can they shun her and yet not allow her to give up the baby? It seems it would be one or the other?

 

[disneymom3]

It sounds like she has much bigger issues than her child making contact in 18 years. She’s an adult who has been assaulted many times, and hasn’t pressed charges. Hopefully the other victims will step forward. This woman obviously needs to see a mental health professional. How can they shun her and yet not allow her to give up the baby? It seems it would be one or the other?

She clearly has bigger things going on yes. She is under their complete financial control. At least she thinks so. The shunning involves things I didn’t think took place in America to be honest. They’d “make“ her live with them and basically take the baby. It’s a tragic situation for sure. But she’s getting a degree as part of her escape plan. At any rate, this could be a whole other thread.

With the new legislation, do the adoptees have to wait until they’re 18?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It sounds like she has much bigger issues than her child making contact in 18 years. She’s an adult who has been assaulted many times, and hasn’t pressed charges. Hopefully the other victims will step forward. This woman obviously needs to see a mental health professional. How can they shun her and yet not allow her to give up the baby? It seems it would be one or the other?

It’s probably not a stretch to say that both her and her baby could also be killed if they dishonor the family.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

My daughter goes to school with a young woman of a particular faith. She is 21. Over this past summer, she was repeatedly raped by her uncle. If this was known, she would be blamed and shunned by her entire family. She is pregnant and has hidden it from her family. If they knew, not only would she be shunned but so would the baby. She would not be “allowed” to give it up. The baby is due in April And she is already working with an adoption organization. Her intention is for no one beyond a very small circle of people to ever know that she was pregnant.

She clearly has bigger things going on yes. She is under their complete financial control. At least she thinks so. The shunning involves things I didn’t think took place in America to be honest. They’d “make“ her live with them and basically take the baby. It’s a tragic situation for sure. But she’s getting a degree as part of her escape plan. At any rate, this could be a whole other thread.

With the new legislation, do the adoptees have to wait until they’re 18?

This is very sad. I’m not surprised she believes they have the power to simultaneously shun her and keep her child. As a child, her family did have the power to control her every move and as such, it’s the only family dynamic she’s ever known. She hasn’t yet realized their ability to control her lessens the older she gets.

I lurk on another forum where recently there was a thread from a 21 year old girl in an abusive home. She said she wasn’t “allowed” to move out and her mother had threatened to take custody of her young son if she tried. The girl was resigned to believing her only option, if she had any chance of ever being allowed to leave and escape her mother’s abuse, was to sign her parental rights over to her mother and leave her son behind. Other posters were quick to set her straight, of course, but until that point the OP truly hadn’t realized that 1) she was a legal adult who was free to leave whenever she wanted, and 2) her mother had no legal right to take her child.

The most impactful thing you, or rather your daughter, could do for this young woman might be to simply bring it to her attention that she is now of age where she is legally free to make her own choices. She doesn’t have to live where they say, or do what they say, she doesn’t even have to have contact with them ever again if she doesn’t want to. If they stalk, harass, or threaten her she can call the police. The law will side with her, not them. She can still place her child for adoption if she wants to, but she should not feel like she has to because her abusive family has left her with no other choice. She can be completely free of this abuse if she wishes to be — she probably doesn’t realize that yet.

 

[AlohaNow]

DH just had his original birth certificate request form notarized for NY state and will mail it off shortly. We both feel that there will most likely not be a father’s name listed, but hopefully there will be and it will confirm his Ancestry DNA findings. As he says, just knowing will close the loop.

When he attempted to get his original birth certificate from NY a few years ago, the person on the other end of the phone actually said to him that she was looking at his original document on her screen, but could not tell him what was on it. I found that to be absolutely inhuman and heartbreaking. Knowing that your info exists in some holding repository, but you cannot have access to it. I’m so glad that this wrong has now been righted and adoptees are being treated like the adults that they are and can access their origin information.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I found that to be absolutely inhuman and heartbreaking.

I agree that telling someone you can see the information they seek, but [legally] can't provide that information to them is inhumane and heartbreaking.

She shouldn't have said that.