Adult children - how much to contribute to family expenses?

I have no idea how to navigate this new phase of life. My dh and I both graduated high school (I was still 17), went away to college and began paying our own way immediately. He and I both worked on campus as student workers. That money paid for food and housing. He and I both took gobs of student loans to pay for college. We came out with tons of debt (we went to Baylor).

So, now we have our dd18, who graduated this past May, and is full time at a local community college. She's been sick for 3.5 years with a chronic illness and life has been HARD for her for her high school years. She is just now able to get a job, though she's been babysitting pretty regularly for a few years. Anyways, she is living at home. Working 15 hours a week plus babysitting most weekends. She makes about $800 mo.

She pays her car insurance ($115 mo), phone ($24 mo) and 1/3 of her tuition and all books ($1k'ish) each semester. She also pays for anything she wants...fast food, shirt at Target, frap at Starbucks, musical downtown, movies with friends, etc...Should we be expecting her to pay anything else? I'm not sure what others do here. We are planning a WDW trip for next summer and I suggested to my dh that she buy her own ticket but he said he felt weird asking her to buy hers but not requiring that of her 16yo sister, who also has a job and babysits.

I'd love to hear what others require of their 18yo's (or just young, college age kids)!
I'll just say if it was kid, I wouldn't ask them to pitch in for a family vacation, especially at such a young age. For us, my parents always paid for family vacations and really still do often. Their parents did as well and I plan to do the same. I won't lie, part of it is because I'd really prefer for us all to be together and if they're having to decide whether to spend their money on something with friends or something with us, with limited funds and being a young adult, I can understand that having new experiences with friends would often win...so I think them finding the time to take off work/school is enough of an effort for a family vacation.

As far as paying for anything else at home, honestly if s
I felt she was being responsible and working hard with school/work, I'd probably leave it how you have it now. It's not like she's not paying for anything,... I'd probably wait until she was able to work full time etc.
 
Not a single mom in college, though I worked my toosh off as well...My mom was a single, teen mom and so much responsibility fell on me because she was simply unable to provide and very immature. I think it's great you have been able to offer your dd more. Sounds like you are doing a great job with her!
:) Thank you!
 
I pay for family vacations. If they go on vacation with their friends, they pay for it. Every family has different circumstances so there is no one right answer but as long as the kids are responsible and I can afford it I don't mind paying.
 


Each family does things differently and that is ok :D Can I just say though, how envious I am of all the parents taking their grown children on vacation?? Neither dh or I have parents who have EVER done this. My mom took me on one vacation my entire growing up. Same for my dh. And they have certainly never taken us on vacation as adults. Yet, I know SO many people who do take their adult children (and their families) on vacation. I always say we got the short end of the stick lol.

I'm right there with you.

In my culture parents don't pay for much for their adult children. It usually flips and the kids are "expected" to take their parents on vacation.

I don't expect anything from my kids and I hope to one day be able to do multigenerational trips on my dime.
 
I'm right there with you.

In my culture parents don't pay for much for their adult children. It usually flips and the kids are "expected" to take their parents on vacation.

I don't expect anything from my kids and I hope to one day be able to do multi-generational trips on my dime.

My parents do organize multi-generational trips every other year. They don't pay the entire bill though. My mom and dad have owned timeshares for years, and they own in some pretty spectacular places (Lake Tahoe, Maui, Mexico). They cover the lodging, a couple restaurant meals and maybe one activity. All their children and grandchildren pay for their own flights, rental cars, plus the bulk of their activities and meals. Every once in a while, they will give me a free Southwest flight because they have gobs of points, and my family has to travel the farthest.

DH's family does a multi-generational beach trip every couple of years. DH's dad used to pay for the beach house rental all by himself, but he retired and the family grew. He still pays for half the house; we all pitch for the other half because we need a much bigger house now. He treats everyone to a big seafood dinner one night, but we cook the rest of the time and all pitch in for groceries.

I am very grateful for the family time DH's and my parents help us achieve.
 


My parents do organize multi-generational trips every other year. They don't pay the entire bill though. My mom and dad have owned timeshares for years, and they own in some pretty spectacular places (Lake Tahoe, Maui, Mexico). They cover the lodging, a couple restaurant meals and maybe one activity. All their children and grandchildren pay for their own flights, rental cars, plus the bulk of their activities and meals. Every once in a while, they will give me a free Southwest flight because they have gobs of points, and my family has to travel the farthest.

DH's family does a multi-generational beach trip every couple of years. DH's dad used to pay for the beach house rental all by himself, but he retired and the family grew. He still pays for half the house; we all pitch for the other half because we need a much bigger house now. He treats everyone to a big seafood dinner one night, but we cook the rest of the time and all pitch in for groceries.

I am very grateful for the family time DH's and my parents help us achieve.

That sounds like some great family time! I hope to do the same when my kids one day get married and have their own children. It sounds like a very good balance.

My parents would do neither! Ever. lol
 
Each family does things differently and that is ok :D Can I just say though, how envious I am of all the parents taking their grown children on vacation?? Neither dh or I have parents who have EVER done this. My mom took me on one vacation my entire growing up. Same for my dh. And they have certainly never taken us on vacation as adults. Yet, I know SO many people who do take their adult children (and their families) on vacation. I always say we got the short end of the stick lol.

My parents took us on annual vacations as children but never paid for me to go on vacation once I was out of college and truly on my own - but I think that was mostly because they wanted us to go out and live our own lives, not be tied to them still. But they welcomed us with open arms and lots of spoiling whenever we wanted to come back home for a visit, and while they were still capable of travel they would often come visit us. And we did do a few trips together - once my parents came with DD and I to Disneyworld but they paid their expenses and I paid ours. And then once my sister, DD and I "took" my Mother on a cruise, but again we paid our expenses and she paid hers (the "taking" part really referred to the fact that she had dementia at the time so she was unable to travel independently).

I think it was the best of both worlds, really. I was independent and recognized as such by my parents, and felt free to explore the world as I wanted to on vacation (when I could afford it LOL). And my parents had no doubt they were appreciated and valued for who they were in our lives, not just for their wallets. (I don't mean to say that adults who have their parents pay for vacations don't appreciate their parents, I just see how it could make the parents wonder.)
 
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My oldest is very much like your dd, age 18, living at home, going to community college.

She pays us $100/mo toward her car insurance. (She bought a $5000 car last year and has already paid it off)

We also have her pay $500 “rent” that really just goes into a savings account. She knows she will get it back. It’s about 1/3 of her income to get her used to a real world situation. Home groceries and meals are covered, but she buys her own junk food.

No way I would have her pay for a family vacation. I’d just be thrilled she wants to come. Already, mine is trying to pull away. And typically an 18 year old can not afford a Disney priced vacation on a part time salary. So it isn’t even fair, imo.

Enjoy the vacation, because time is fleeting at 18. Be happy to foot her bill.
 
My oldest is very much like your dd, age 18, living at home, going to community college.

She pays us $100/mo toward her car insurance. (She bought a $5000 car last year and has already paid it off)

We also have her pay $500 “rent” that really just goes into a savings account. She knows she will get it back. It’s about 1/3 of her income to get her used to a real world situation. Home groceries and meals are covered, but she buys her own junk food.

No way I would have her pay for a family vacation. I’d just be thrilled she wants to come. Already, mine is trying to pull away. And typically an 18 year old can not afford a Disney priced vacation on a part time salary. So it isn’t even fair, imo.

Enjoy the vacation, because time is fleeting at 18. Be happy to foot her bill.

Kudos to your dd for buying her first car already! Sounds a bit like me at 18yo :D

So, Just to be very crystal clear...I was never suggesting my dd pay anything more than her park ticket, which, to be honest, she could easily afford in one month. She makes $800 (min) month, after taxes, and her outgoing expenses are about $300. So, that extra $500 would buy a park ticket. However, it was a *thought* I had...so I asked dh, and I only asked this of him, and then later here, because I do know even teens younger who are expected to pay for their tickets. We would never ask her to pay for food, lodging, airfare...but she has paid for her souvenirs for years...and she has the money, plenty of money really, so as an adult, *should* we ask her to pay her ticket. I have decided, based on the many responses here, that we should not ask that of her but I want to be clear that we were never asking her to pay for her whole vacation. She wants to do DCP, and I'm pretty sure she is in for the long haul when it comes to Disney vacations. Not sure we could shake her even if we wanted to lol! This is a girl who wakes up every day asking if we have figured out when we are going back :)
 
Kudos to your dd for buying her first car already! Sounds a bit like me at 18yo :D

So, Just to be very crystal clear...I was never suggesting my dd pay anything more than her park ticket, which, to be honest, she could easily afford in one month. She makes $800 (min) month, after taxes, and her outgoing expenses are about $300. So, that extra $500 would buy a park ticket. However, it was a *thought* I had...so I asked dh, and I only asked this of him, and then later here, because I do know even teens younger who are expected to pay for their tickets. We would never ask her to pay for food, lodging, airfare...but she has paid for her souvenirs for years...and she has the money, plenty of money really, so as an adult, *should* we ask her to pay her ticket. I have decided, based on the many responses here, that we should not ask that of her but I want to be clear that we were never asking her to pay for her whole vacation. She wants to do DCP, and I'm pretty sure she is in for the long haul when it comes to Disney vacations. Not sure we could shake her even if we wanted to lol! This is a girl who wakes up every day asking if we have figured out when we are going back :)
I’m curious why you even thought about her paying for her park ticket. Is it to teach her some kind of lesson? It seems to me that you already have her paying a lot of her expenses out of a 15 hour part time job, not to mention doing well at her first job which is college. It seems that she’s dealing with her illness, doing well in school, working 15 hours a week, paying you half her paycheck for her education and expenses ... all of which is admirable! What woukd you gain, apart from a few hundred dollars, from having her pay? What did you expect her having ‘skin’ in the family vacation will do for her? Was it just the magical 18th birthday that made her a legal adult?

I’m glad you’re not going to charge her to go on vacation. I’m jealous that your DD still wants to vacation with you. I offered my DD a vacation with us for NYE with her boyfriend where all either one of them would have to pay was his park pass (our usual offer for friends who join us at WDW) and she declined. They have another vacation planed over winter break :(.
 
I’m curious why you even thought about her paying for her park ticket. Is it to teach her some kind of lesson? It seems to me that you already have her paying a lot of her expenses out of a 15 hour part time job, not to mention doing well at her first job which is college. It seems that she’s dealing with her illness, doing well in school, working 15 hours a week, paying you half her paycheck for her education and expenses ... all of which is admirable! What woukd you gain, apart from a few hundred dollars, from having her pay? What did you expect her having ‘skin’ in the family vacation will do for her? Was it just the magical 18th birthday that made her a legal adult?

I’m glad you’re not going to charge her to go on vacation. I’m jealous that your DD still wants to vacation with you. I offered my DD a vacation with us for NYE with her boyfriend where all either one of them would have to pay was his park pass (our usual offer for friends who join us at WDW) and she declined. They have another vacation planed over winter break :(.

As I said earlier...I, at the age of 16yo, paid for EVERYTHING...my car note of $200, my insurance of $40 per month, my gas, my food, my clothes, my track & field fees, my theater fees...and by 18, my college (at a private school), my textbooks, housing...If that sounds about like everything, it's cause it was. I am in no way putting all that on her but simply trying to figure out what is acceptable, normal, right, appropriate for a kid her age who is making at least $800 month after taxes, to be paying.

If you read my OP, I say, this is new, unchartered territory for us. I was really asking about month to month expenses and NOT so much the Disney ticket. I wish I'd never put that in the post cause that seemed to be everyone's focus when that only even became a thought, because I know people who expect their teens, again, younger than mine, to buy their own tickets. So, I was simply trying to get a feel for what others expect/have their teen paying. There was no trying to get her to have 'skin' in our family vacation :( And these are not expenses she all of sudden began paying at 18. She's paid for her phone since 16yo and her car insurance since she got her license at 17.

She is awesome and doing great in school. Her illness has has cost us about 25k OOP, per year, the last three years. Not her fault and we'd pay that money a hundred times over. However, finances have been tight and so asking her to help cover additional expenses, that I think many kids cover, isn't the end of the world. Not when she easily has the money.
 
Someone has posted if she has $500 a month "fun" money, that is a lot. I agree.

I was one that lived at home and started paying rent as soon as the first paycheck came in. If memory serves, I brought home about $125 a week and gave my mom $25. This was 45 years ago. I didn't pay for food or anything in the house , but car or anything was all on me. I wasn't going to find anyplace to live with utilities and food for $100 a month. Of course no cell phone in that era. I was 17 when I started working.

I think I would give a date....starting in Jan charging X amount for house hold bills. Maybe $25 -$50 a week. Maybe start $25 and then in six months it's goes up to $50. Even though the house is there, the water is running, etc, it's still costing you extra for her living there. You could just stash it away if you want and give it back to her to pay first month rent when she moves out.

If she was working and putting every penny into school or car/phone bills, I'd be afraid she'd work more and school would suffer, but the $500 is indeed fun money, she can manage to pay more of her share.
 
See, I, too, had to pay my expenses at a young age. My parents enrolled me in a Catholic HS, and I had to pay for my books each year. Senior year I was 16, and had to contribute towards my tuition. They gave me $0 for college--I sent home money to pay for my collect calls (ah, the '80's!). When I was home working summers, I had to pay rent.

There's no way in heck I'm doing that to my kids. I have money anxiety to this day--even though we're doing fine. My oldest is a little further along than the OP's DD (23, graduated, "real" job, etc.). She's also super, super independent--sends checks for her cell phone bill. The only thing we still pay for is, we have her on our medical insurance. We do pay for her to go on family vacations, but it's mostly because we want her there--she lives 800 miles away. She works 3 jobs to pay for her own needs/wants, including extra travel.

Currently, we live in a coastal city, but we're a few miles from the beach. What we hope to do in the future is to rent a beach house nearby for visiting children/grandchildren. That way, there's plenty of room and a fun destination, yet DH and I could sleep in our own bed.
 
See, I, too, had to pay my expenses at a young age. My parents enrolled me in a Catholic HS, and I had to pay for my books each year. Senior year I was 16, and had to contribute towards my tuition. They gave me $0 for college--I sent home money to pay for my collect calls (ah, the '80's!). When I was home working summers, I had to pay rent.

There's no way in heck I'm doing that to my kids. I have money anxiety to this day--even though we're doing fine. My oldest is a little further along than the OP's DD (23, graduated, "real" job, etc.). She's also super, super independent--sends checks for her cell phone bill. The only thing we still pay for is, we have her on our medical insurance. We do pay for her to go on family vacations, but it's mostly because we want her there--she lives 800 miles away. She works 3 jobs to pay for her own needs/wants, including extra travel.

Currently, we live in a coastal city, but we're a few miles from the beach. What we hope to do in the future is to rent a beach house nearby for visiting children/grandchildren. That way, there's plenty of room and a fun destination, yet DH and I could sleep in our own bed.


I didn't know you could do that. My kids are older , so didn't pay that much attention. I thought medical insurance was for kids living at home. I guess it's just the age that's the limit?
 
As I said earlier...I, at the age of 16yo, paid for EVERYTHING...my car note of $200, my insurance of $40 per month, my gas, my food, my clothes, my track & field fees, my theater fees...and by 18, my college (at a private school), my textbooks, housing...If that sounds about like everything, it's cause it was. I am in no way putting all that on her but simply trying to figure out what is acceptable, normal, right, appropriate for a kid her age who is making at least $800 month after taxes, to be paying.

If you read my OP, I say, this is new, unchartered territory for us. I was really asking about month to month expenses and NOT so much the Disney ticket. I wish I'd never put that in the post cause that seemed to be everyone's focus when that only even became a thought, because I know people who expect their teens, again, younger than mine, to buy their own tickets. So, I was simply trying to get a feel for what others expect/have their teen paying. There was no trying to get her to have 'skin' in our family vacation :( And these are not expenses she all of sudden began paying at 18. She's paid for her phone since 16yo and her car insurance since she got her license at 17.

She is awesome and doing great in school. Her illness has has cost us about 25k OOP, per year, the last three years. Not her fault and we'd pay that money a hundred times over. However, finances have been tight and so asking her to help cover additional expenses, that I think many kids cover, isn't the end of the world. Not when she easily has the money.

When we started to have real money from jobs, 2 things happened...1, my parents helped us open an IRA (I got mine at 18) and we learned the value of saving very early and 2, we independently started to really treat my parents at Christmas. So, if it were me, and she asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I'd say I'd love a Disney gift card b/c I love enjoying the trips with her, and every little bit helps them make them happen more often and in a cooler way. And then see what she decides to generously do for you...you'll both feel better if it goes that way, I think...
 
I didn't know you could do that. My kids are older , so didn't pay that much attention. I thought medical insurance was for kids living at home. I guess it's just the age that's the limit?

At my job I can keep my kids on my insurance until they are 26. They have to come off if they join the military or get married.
 

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