Am I being a jerk?

[danielocha30]

Is a hard one. I personally will talk to my SO and explain my reason but you shouldn’t say just no. You knew he had a kid and this issue will come up again, and for the sake of your relationship you must be confortable telling your husband your thoughts without fear of hurting him. Be kind and be open to the possibility of having the kid in this trip. About the planning obviously you can always plan for 3 and nothing would happen as long as you don’t buy Dining plan, tickets can be used at a later time and no restaurant will turn you down because you show up with fewer people. Be honest above all don’t let this eat you.

 

[rebelbuddhist]

Unfortunately, if he has no legal rights by court decree, there isn’t much you can do other than rely on her wishes. Your husband knew this when they divorced. It is just as if you were asking a neighbor if their child could go with you. The choice is up to his mom no matter what you and your husband want.

 

[Lexx1214]

Oh I feel your pain. DH and I have a blended family that is insanely complex and full of bitter exes. I agree with booking the trip for three and getting travel insurance in case something happens. I’d be worried over whether or not DH would be able to enjoy himself if bio mom cancelled last minute and I’d she out right says no what kind of spin she’d put on it when talking to DSS I’d we went anyway. In my own particular situation DH and I are going in September for our 2 year delayed honeymoon and the other parents of our children have already been bad mouthing us to the kids (on both sides). Our honeymoon was delayed because of family drama in the first place. Because we are taking a trip with out the kids (who btw are all 16 and up) we get painted as unloving selfish parents. Bitter exes will take anything and twist it to further manipulate the kids. So just beware.

 

[jo-jo]

The every other weekend is because he has no legal rights because DSS is not his biological child and she didn’t let him adopt. He begged during the divorce, but she knew she wouldn’t have any power if he had legal rights other than what she has agreed to, which according to law, she can change her mind about without ever having to go to court. In family law, step-parents have no rights and in Alabama it is almost impossible to have the non biological parent declared a legal parent. Adoption was his only hope to have more contact.

Also the child support legally goes away if she refuses to let DH see DSS. That’s the only hold we have.

Let me say upfront, I know nothing about the rules with children and divorce. But you speak of child support. How is it he has to pay child support if the court doesn't see him as the father? Am I missing something? I know there are rules that I never thought would be real, but I still have to ask, really? So DH can get into trouble if he doesn't pay child support but the ex holds all the cards?

 

[ConnecticutNonna]

@kellogla
It sounds like a nightmare situation, and you're doing the best you can...
Imho, I would go ahead and plan to include him.
Obtain trip insurance just in case for airfare, etc.
Make any dining reservations for 3, and if he not able to come, you still won't be penalized if the 2 of you show up.
This way, you're not the bad guy if mom says no. And I really believe the trip with a 9 y/o will be a blast. No strollers, he'll be able to keep up, etc. (In fact, you may have to keep up with him!). Respect your husband's wishes, he will love you all the more for the inclusion of his beloved son. What a beautiful bond they share.
Sparkle on!

 

[natfrac]

My DH was in a similar situation, but he obtained full custody of his non-adopted (mom wouldn't allow it) step-daughter. Good attorney and an ex wife who didn't help herself by landing in jail.
Having step kids, I knew before DH and I got married that they were a package deal. As others have suggested, I would plan the trip for 3 and if the mom won't allow her son to go, then it's on her.

 

[happymommy]

Would this be any different if you were going to another vacation destination for your 50th birthday? I personally don't think so. Just because folks bring kids to Disney, doesn't mean they all do.

I went many times before having kids. I also just got back with my kids (my DH stayed home) and they are now 21 and 19. I often have gone with just my youngest, as my oldest didn't want to go or was doing other things.

I do not think you're being a jerk to want to take an adult trip for your 50th.

I do hear you that your husband wants to take his stepson. But maybe it would be less drama if you plan on an adult trip, then your husband can see what he would like to do when he brings the child along for next time.

My youngest has been every year since age 2, and at 19 still wants to go.

 

[mrswillson]

I think you need to ask yourself one question. What is more important: your feelings and birthday going as planned, or your new family's feelings?

I speak from experience coming from a broken family, and dealing with a stepmother who has worn down my father's patience by excluding his children from events, and putting just herself and him first throughout the years that has left them teetering on the edge of divorce because of it. If you start down this road at 9 years old, you won't be able to come up with enough excuses as the child gets older to exclude him from events, and your SO will take note.

However, if you truly want him to go on the trip with you both, then I would do everything I could on your end to ensure he will be able to attend. If his biological mother refuses, there is little to be done - at least your conscience will be clear, and your SO will see the effort you made, as will your stepson, and the disappointment will fall solely on his mother.