And so it begins, the dreaded Christmas drama : (

[sasywtch]

I'm just curious how others would feel, if you'd feel hurt, ok etc.
First of all, I'll say that I'm a people pleaser. Did I leave anyone out, is there enough food, did everyone eat, etc. It would be nice to have a function, relax and not care but it's my personality.

Here's the situation. My exH and I have been divorced since 1996. My 4 kids are all adults. It was terrible at first as he had an affair and got her pregnant. He didn't see the kids much until they turned into adults. 20 years later, we are civil, kids did see him when they went to his house. We have Christmas at my oldest son's since he is married with kids. Everything is normally fine. That is the plan this year and I'm hoping things will be good but I'm doubtful. (not with me but with 3 kids and their dad).

Dad got married a year ago for the third time and moved 2 hours away in the mountains. (Sacramento to outside Reno). My DIL really likes his new wife, they all go camping together for a weekend in the summer. (my 2daughter normally goes also but couldn't this year-poor her...her and her bf bought $900 Disney passes and spent 14 days in WDW and have been to DL 3 times since August). My other son likes his video games and use to live with his dad before he moved to Reno. My ex/their dad comes down about every 6-8 weeks to visit but doesn't make a stop to visit 2d and 2s. He says if they want to see him, they know where he lives. Sometimes he stops at first son's house to see grandkids. He will also sometimes stop at other daughter (their half sister by mistress).

So Thanksgiving was coming and I heard rumors that oldest son, DIL and grandkids were going to Reno to have Thanksgiving with their dad. I've learned to live without some holidays so it was okay with me. I thought his ex's new wife wanted to spend a holiday with her adults kids. I assumed my second daughter/her boyfriend and my youngest son were also going to Reno. Come to find out, they (2d and 2s) were not invited to go to Reno.

My second daughter and second son are hurt that they weren't invited. As I said, I assumed they were having it in Reno for her family but they didn't show up so it was just exH/his wife, son, DIL and grandkids. I do not have a good view because as I said, I'm an extreme people pleaser and could never leave anyone out including my sister that I cannot stand. (I'm learning very well how to be civil).

My question is,
1. would you as a sibling be hurt that you weren't invited?
2. Would you expect that you should call and ask to be invited? My second daughter talks to me about it quite often on her feelings and I don't have the foresight to have a good solution for her as it's something I couldn't fathom doing.
3.As a sibling that was invited, would you feel awkward that your sister and brother weren't invited?
4. As a sibling that does have their dad stop over on his drive down here, would you feel guilty that the dad doesn't stop to see your sister and brother?

Being a mother of 4 kids all with different personalities sucks some times. PS I am NOT talking to their dad about any of this, that is on the kids. I'm just curious how others would feel if they were in my kid's shoes so if my daughter brings it up again, what I can tell her. Trust me, the old me would have called my ex, his new wife and my DIL and said, "What the xxxxxx do you think you are doing not inviting all your kids?" I've learned over the years to shut up and just listen.

Full disclaimer: My oldest son called me tonight to verify plans for shopping tomorrow. He brought up that he heard people were angry about Thanksgiving. He said, what I can't spend Thanksgiving with my dad? I told him I was okay with it but sister/brother was having a hard time understanding why they weren't invited. I told him not to put me in the middle. He is the one that told me 2d and 2s should have called to invite themselves. (no one was told outright about the plans, just heard through grandkids talking) Basically DIL and Exs wife got together to plan this Thanksgiving. I told my son I couldn't get in the middle as I was not brought up this way and can't understand it so not in a position to have a good view of the situation.

edited to leave out paralyzed daughter as it's not in my issue.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm just curious how others would feel, if you'd feel hurt, ok etc.
First of all, I'll say that I'm a people pleaser. Did I leave anyone out, is there enough food, did everyone eat, etc. It would be nice to have a function, relax and not care but it's my personality.

Here's the situation. My exH and I have been divorced since 1996. My 4 kids are all adults. It was terrible at first as he had an affair and got her pregnant. He didn't see the kids much until they turned into adults. 20 years later, we are civil, kids did see him when they went to his house. We have Christmas at my oldest son's since he is married with kids. Everything is normally fine. That is the plan this year and I'm hoping things will be good but I'm doubtful. (not with me but with 3 kids and their dad).

Dad got married a year ago for the third time and moved 2 hours away in the mountains. (Sacramento to outside Reno). My DIL really likes his new wife, they all go camping together for a weekend in the summer. (my 2daughter normally goes also but couldn't this year-poor her...her and her bf bought $900 Disney passes and spent 14 days in WDW and have been to DL 3 times since August). My other daughter is paralyzed and in the skilled facility but can take paratransit out. My other son likes his video games and use to live with his dad before he moved to Reno. My ex/their dad comes down about every 6-8 weeks to visit paralyzed daughter but doesn't make a stop to visit 2d and 2s. He says if they want to see him, they know where he lives. Sometimes he stops at first son's house to see grandkids. He will also sometimes stop at other daughter (their half sister by mistress).

So Thanksgiving was coming and I heard rumors that oldest son, DIL and grandkids were going to Reno to have Thanksgiving with their dad. I've learned to live without some holidays so it was okay with me but I kinda have the motherly instinct regarding my paralyzed daughter as she can't leave the county. I tried to explain to her that everyone can't bend their holidays for her all the time. I thought his ex's new wife wanted to spend a holiday with her adults kids. I assumed my second daughter/her boyfriend and my youngest son were also going to Reno so started planning something for oldest daughter and myself. Come to find out, they (2d and 2s) were not invited to go to Reno.

My second daughter and second son are hurt that they weren't invited. As I said, I assumed they were having it in Reno for her family but they didn't show up so it was just exH/his wife, son, DIL and grandkids. I do not have a good view because as I said, I'm an extreme people pleaser and could never leave anyone out including my sister that I cannot stand. (I'm learning very well how to be civil).

My question is,
1. would you as a sibling be hurt that you weren't invited?
2. Would you expect that you should call and ask to be invited? My second daughter talks to me about it quite often on her feelings and I don't have the foresight to have a good solution for her as it's something I couldn't fathom doing.
3.As a sibling that was invited, would you feel awkward that your sister and brother weren't invited?
4. As a sibling that does have their dad stop over on his drive down here, would you feel guilty that the dad doesn't stop to see your sister and brother?

Being a mother of 4 kids all with different personalities sucks some times. PS I am NOT talking to their dad about any of this, that is on the kids. I'm just curious how others would feel if they were in my kid's shoes so if my daughter brings it up again, what I can tell her. Trust me, the old me would have called my ex, his new wife and my DIL and said, "What the xxxxxx do you think you are doing not inviting all your kids?" I've learned over the years to shut up and just listen.

Full disclaimer: My oldest son called me tonight to verify plans to help me push my daughter's wheel chair across the street from her SF to Target tomorrow. He brought up that he heard people were angry about Thanksgiving. He said, what I can't spend Thanksgiving with my dad? I told him I was okay with it but sister/brother was having a hard time understanding why they weren't invited. I told him not to put me in the middle. He is the one that told me 2d and 2s should have called to invite themselves. (no one was told outright about the plans, just heard through grandkids talking) Basically DIL and Exs wife got together to plan this Thanksgiving. I told my son I couldn't get in the middle as I was not brought up this way and can't understand it so not in a position to have a good view of the situation.

I think you are wise to try to stay out of it.
I would probably just plan something that includes your paralyzed daughter since she has little choice, and let others go where they want, but keep it open to everybody, and as upbeat as possible.

You can’t control what son and his family do. (I know this has come up before in different scenarios.) Not everyone can be around hospitals and sick or disabled people. (Or wants to be around drama, etc.) Maybe where they have young kids they just want to be at someone’s house in a happier setting, idk. It’s not what many of us would do, but I think you have to respect their right to do it.

I wouldn’t get into who is hurt and all that, it just perpetuates the drama. Just enjoy the people you’re with. (Love the one you’re with!) It seems like you still have a lot of unfinished emotional business with your ex and it impacts some of these situations. Not saying it’s your fault, but rather you have to try to detach from it.

 

[sasywtch]

Oh I am detaching. That's why I told son I didn't want to be in the middle. I just don't know what advice to give to my second daughter (not the paralyzed one)if she brings it up again as I know she is hurt. To me, it's odd that my other daughter and other son weren't invited as to me, it's a family Thanksgiving. I'm guessing other people don't figure Thanksgiving that way so that's why I'm asking. I only see my perception and wondering how others see it. Trying to see all sides and not just mine (I'm learning)

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Oh I am detaching. That's why I told son I didn't want to be in the middle. I just don't know what advice to give to my second daughter (not the paralyzed one)if she brings it up again as I know she is hurt. To me, it's odd that my other daughter and other son weren't invited as to me, it's a family Thanksgiving. I'm guessing other people don't figure Thanksgiving that way so that's why I'm asking. I only see my perception and wondering how others see it. Trying to see all sides and not just mine (I'm learning)

Yes, I think the bolded are the key two words. To you. It seems as if, in your family, people sometimes have different perceptions than you or ideas about how things will go. That would be true of many families. So just tell your daughter that everyone sees it differently. Trying to have Norman Rockwell type holidays (which Norman Rockwell himself didn't even have, I'm told) can lead to disappointment when either families aren't traditional or people don't have families, etc. Try to look at the positives and simply enjoy the people you're celebrating with, whoever that is.

 

[Christine]

I'm an only child, so take this with a grain of salt!

My question is,
1. would you as a sibling be hurt that you weren't invited? YES.
2. Would you expect that you should call and ask to be invited? NO.
3.As a sibling that was invited, would you feel awkward that your sister and brother weren't invited? YES
4. As a sibling that does have their dad stop over on his drive down here, would you feel guilty that the dad doesn't stop to see your sister and brother? NOT SURE.

If these were my kids, my advice to the ones that are left out would be that sometime AFTER the holidays, I think they should make contact with their father to have a conversation about this. Let him know that want to have a relationship with him and that they are unsure if they have done something that is getting in the way of that. You should always go into these types of conversations by NOT placing blame or being accusatory but putting a spin on it that maybe you, yourself, have done something that is impeding the relationship. Then see what he says. It's perfectly fine, during that conversation, to let him know that it is obvious that the one sibling is being invited everywhere and that they are hurt by that.

Overall though, I think you and the older sibling should try to remain neutral. The older sibling who is getting Dad's attention should also not be made to feel bad over it. If she wants to, maybe she could privately ask her father if there is something going on.

 

[dish rag]

Goodness. Too much. Too complicated. How do you keep track of all that. Just have your day and who comes, comes. It sounds like adults are forming friendships in this group of people.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I would tell them that they need to talk to their father about it and find out why they weren't invited, and continue to stay out of the whole thing. Make sure they ALL know they are welcome at your house for Christmas/whatever holiday if they are able to come but that you understand if they have other plans.

It is hard to see your kids hurting, but this is between them and their dad.

 

[bballmom56]

Based on the information given, and that you asked how I would feel if I were the person in the scenarios you listed:

1. Yes
2. No
3. Yes
4. Probably

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My D just told me how I am a "wants everyone to be happy" person and will go out of their way to make it happen and sometimes get hurt in the process. Tread carefully. You were wise to ask not to be put in the middle.

 

[Skywalker]

Yeah, definitely stay out of it. Everyone here is an adult so they can figure out their own relationships. It sounds like the one child, his wife and kids are particularly close to their dad and his new wife. So dad just invited him to Thanksgiving and not the others, well, it's maybe not the most generous move, but it's not mandated that you must have a teeming houseful at Thanksgiving and maybe they just like to keep things quiet and small. Being the only sibling right now with kids I'm sure also have something to do with it.

It also sounds like he is not close with the others in general, so Thanksgiving shouldn't be a surprise...hopefully with time they can all become closer but if not they are probably dodging a bullet anyway.

 

[Hikergirl]

I would tell which ever of my children asking me that it is something you need to discuss with their father, that I am no longer the person that knows what he does or why he does it.
Perhaps there are things going on in their relationship with their dad that you don't know about. Maybe they just aren't as close as you think they are. It may be something they just don't even realize, each may think they are doing the right thing (whatever that may be). Relationships are complicated and ones that involve broken marriages, lies, mistresses and other families are even more so.
Dh and his siblings have had similar issues with their father. It took time but they all realized that they all have a different individual relationships with their father. Some are close, some are not, some visit, some do not, he visits some, he doesn't visit others. Dh and I happen to be close to his dad and his wife, and we don't feel guilty at all when we do something with them and other siblings aren't invited to join us.
We don't get in the middle of any drama that goes on either, we stay impartial. They are all adults and can work it out between themselves.

 

[Wendy31]

All the history & backstory aside, in answer to your questions:

1. Would you as a sibling be hurt that you weren't invited? - Yes

2. Would you expect that you should call and ask to be invited? - No

3. As a sibling that was invited, would you feel awkward that your sister and brother weren't invited? - Yes

4. As a sibling that does have their dad stop over on his drive down here, would you feel guilty that the dad doesn't stop to see your sister and brother? - I'm not sure. I think it would depend on the situation. In your family's particular situation, he's stopping to see an ill/injured child, so I think that puts a little bit of a different spin on things.

However, as their mother, while you can sympathize w/ them & provide a listening to ear - to a point, I think you need to stay rather neutral & let them navigate the situation as adults. (And I know they're young adults - I assume, so they are learning as they go.)

I think, really, the only thing you can do is encourage them to talk to their father. As other posters have pointed out, there are several possible different reasons as to why your other son & daughter weren't invited.

And, as their mother, I would strive really hard to make my home welcoming & drama-free & would want my children to know that they always have a place within my home.

 

[tzolkin]

This part of your post stood out to me—

Trust me, the old me would have called my ex, his new wife and my DIL and said, "What the xxxxxx do you think you are doing not inviting all your kids?"

I know you’re not planning to confront anyone, but this statement shows where you think the “blame” lies and who you are upset with. What strikes me is that you don’t mention the one person who I would think should be the most concerned with your kids’ feelings— your son.

Sure, I think the dad is either a jerk or completely oblivious to have left his other children out of a Thanksgiving gathering at his home. But, you mentioned earlier that he didn’t even really see the kids when they were growing up, so I would think this type of thoughtless behavior is to be expected from him.

It really appears that you’re upset with ex’s new wife and your DIL. But even if they were the ones who planned the event, your son should have insisted on including his siblings. You may be blaming the women and your ex in this, but perhaps it’s really that your son doesn’t want to spend time with his siblings. (You even state that when you brought it up his response was “What, I can’t spend time with my dad?”)

Since this has become the norm (dad stopping regularly only to see son), maybe that’s how your son likes it. If he wanted his siblings there, he could have called or texted them any of those times “Hey, dad’s stopping by my house tomorrow, want to join us for dinner?” Maybe he couldn’t control the Thanksgiving invite list, but he can definitely chose whether or not to include his siblings at his own house. That has nothing to do with the other three people you want to call out.

I completely understand from a parent’s perspective being hurt because your kids are hurt, but I think you’re looking to blame the “outsiders” (who you won’t/can’t actually confront about this) to avoid causing any waves. It seems to me like you’re applying your “people pleasing” to your discussions with your son and it’s holding you back from actually calling him out on it.

Here’s an example: You mentioned that you said that you were “okay with it but his brother/sister were feeling hurt”. I think that’s false. You’re definitely not okay with it and you’re definitely upset that they were left out, but for some reason you feel like you need to tiptoe around what you actually think/feel with your own son (I’m assuming because you don’t want to offend him.)

 

[luvsJack]

I would have a hard time not calling the ex and reminding him exactly how many kids he has. But I also know that isn’t the best way.

I have two sons with my ex and he hasn’t always treated them equally. But I would never blame my oldest for not including my younger son when dad comes around. It’s just not his responsibility.

What I would do, if younger son voiced his being hurt by his dad’s actions is encourage him to contact his dad and invite them out to dinner or to his home or something. Just reach out. It may help the situation and it may not but at least my son would know he tried.

My ex tends to be either trying to spend time with them or not. Right now he is in “not” mode and hasn’t seen either of them in awhile. His grandchildren do not even know who he is. Sad really.

 

[mjkacmom]

So where did everyone else have thanksgiving?

 

[kimblebee]

I would tell them that they need to talk to their father about it and find out why they weren't invited, and continue to stay out of the whole thing. Make sure they ALL know they are welcome at your house for Christmas/whatever holiday if they are able to come but that you understand if they have other plans.

It is hard to see your kids hurting, but this is between them and their dad.

This pretty much sums it up. I am one of four and I’m be really hurt if my dad did something with my siblings and not me. Luckily, my parents are still together, but I can imagine how I’d feel.

My daughter has a dead beat dad and I’ve given up trying to talk to him. He barely talks to her and it’s been a decade plus since he paid any child support. He tried to be a weekend dad but she grew up and saw through it.

Parenting is hard when you have to step back and just see what happens.

 

[wenrob]

I'm just curious how others would feel, if you'd feel hurt, ok etc.
First of all, I'll say that I'm a people pleaser. Did I leave anyone out, is there enough food, did everyone eat, etc. It would be nice to have a function, relax and not care but it's my personality.

Here's the situation. My exH and I have been divorced since 1996. My 4 kids are all adults. It was terrible at first as he had an affair and got her pregnant. He didn't see the kids much until they turned into adults. 20 years later, we are civil, kids did see him when they went to his house. We have Christmas at my oldest son's since he is married with kids. Everything is normally fine. That is the plan this year and I'm hoping things will be good but I'm doubtful. (not with me but with 3 kids and their dad).

Dad got married a year ago for the third time and moved 2 hours away in the mountains. (Sacramento to outside Reno). My DIL really likes his new wife, they all go camping together for a weekend in the summer. (my 2daughter normally goes also but couldn't this year-poor her...her and her bf bought $900 Disney passes and spent 14 days in WDW and have been to DL 3 times since August). My other son likes his video games and use to live with his dad before he moved to Reno. My ex/their dad comes down about every 6-8 weeks to visit but doesn't make a stop to visit 2d and 2s. He says if they want to see him, they know where he lives. Sometimes he stops at first son's house to see grandkids. He will also sometimes stop at other daughter (their half sister by mistress).

So Thanksgiving was coming and I heard rumors that oldest son, DIL and grandkids were going to Reno to have Thanksgiving with their dad. I've learned to live without some holidays so it was okay with me. I thought his ex's new wife wanted to spend a holiday with her adults kids. I assumed my second daughter/her boyfriend and my youngest son were also going to Reno. Come to find out, they (2d and 2s) were not invited to go to Reno.

My second daughter and second son are hurt that they weren't invited. As I said, I assumed they were having it in Reno for her family but they didn't show up so it was just exH/his wife, son, DIL and grandkids. I do not have a good view because as I said, I'm an extreme people pleaser and could never leave anyone out including my sister that I cannot stand. (I'm learning very well how to be civil).

My question is,
1. would you as a sibling be hurt that you weren't invited?
2. Would you expect that you should call and ask to be invited? My second daughter talks to me about it quite often on her feelings and I don't have the foresight to have a good solution for her as it's something I couldn't fathom doing.
3.As a sibling that was invited, would you feel awkward that your sister and brother weren't invited?
4. As a sibling that does have their dad stop over on his drive down here, would you feel guilty that the dad doesn't stop to see your sister and brother?

Being a mother of 4 kids all with different personalities sucks some times. PS I am NOT talking to their dad about any of this, that is on the kids. I'm just curious how others would feel if they were in my kid's shoes so if my daughter brings it up again, what I can tell her. Trust me, the old me would have called my ex, his new wife and my DIL and said, "What the xxxxxx do you think you are doing not inviting all your kids?" I've learned over the years to shut up and just listen.

Full disclaimer: My oldest son called me tonight to verify plans for shopping tomorrow. He brought up that he heard people were angry about Thanksgiving. He said, what I can't spend Thanksgiving with my dad? I told him I was okay with it but sister/brother was having a hard time understanding why they weren't invited. I told him not to put me in the middle. He is the one that told me 2d and 2s should have called to invite themselves. (no one was told outright about the plans, just heard through grandkids talking) Basically DIL and Exs wife got together to plan this Thanksgiving. I told my son I couldn't get in the middle as I was not brought up this way and can't understand it so not in a position to have a good view of the situation.

edited to leave out paralyzed daughter as it's not in my issue.

You make these posts just about every holiday and the advice you always receive is to stay out of it and let the people involved handle it. I’m still rolling with that.

 

[neverlandsky]

You can’t change people or their behaviors towards others. I finally came to this realization of this fact after years of being purposely ignored, excluded, betrayed, talked about, and me seeking a relationship which was so one sided, etc. by those supposedly closest to me (father, his wife, & half-siblings). I was finally done after I established healthy boundaries of asking please don’t do the above and they failed. So I cutoff without any explanation. I’m done and it’s over. There’s no reconciliation since it turns out I was the designated scapegoat.

So repeat after me OP “Not my circus, not my monkeys”. You need to establish healthy boundaries and remove yourself from hearing or talking about drama that involves your children and their father/his wife/siblings.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

Stay out of it. Your children are adults and can navigate through their own drama.

 

[lovin'fl]

Part of why I hate the holidays...all the family strife. After years of it I too, like poster above, realized 'not my circus, not my monkeys'. Still have issues and bumps, but I know 'when to fold them' now...and it's almost all the in law stuff (I don't even get involved anymore) and aim to with my side too (though harder as it's my family and a small one at that, with just aging mom and a brother who didn't have kids). Add in that we live 5.5 hours away from everyone (and 2/3 of our kids are in college 9 hours away). I'll just use some Disney cliche and say...'Let It Go....Let it Go'.

 

[Hrhpd]

I'm just curious how others would feel, if you'd feel hurt, ok etc.
First of all, I'll say that I'm a people pleaser. Did I leave anyone out, is there enough food, did everyone eat, etc. It would be nice to have a function, relax and not care but it's my personality.

Here's the situation. My exH and I have been divorced since 1996. My 4 kids are all adults. It was terrible at first as he had an affair and got her pregnant. He didn't see the kids much until they turned into adults. 20 years later, we are civil, kids did see him when they went to his house. We have Christmas at my oldest son's since he is married with kids. Everything is normally fine. That is the plan this year and I'm hoping things will be good but I'm doubtful. (not with me but with 3 kids and their dad).

Dad got married a year ago for the third time and moved 2 hours away in the mountains. (Sacramento to outside Reno). My DIL really likes his new wife, they all go camping together for a weekend in the summer. (my 2daughter normally goes also but couldn't this year-poor her...her and her bf bought $900 Disney passes and spent 14 days in WDW and have been to DL 3 times since August). My other son likes his video games and use to live with his dad before he moved to Reno. My ex/their dad comes down about every 6-8 weeks to visit but doesn't make a stop to visit 2d and 2s. He says if they want to see him, they know where he lives. Sometimes he stops at first son's house to see grandkids. He will also sometimes stop at other daughter (their half sister by mistress).

So Thanksgiving was coming and I heard rumors that oldest son, DIL and grandkids were going to Reno to have Thanksgiving with their dad. I've learned to live without some holidays so it was okay with me. I thought his ex's new wife wanted to spend a holiday with her adults kids. I assumed my second daughter/her boyfriend and my youngest son were also going to Reno. Come to find out, they (2d and 2s) were not invited to go to Reno.

My second daughter and second son are hurt that they weren't invited. As I said, I assumed they were having it in Reno for her family but they didn't show up so it was just exH/his wife, son, DIL and grandkids. I do not have a good view because as I said, I'm an extreme people pleaser and could never leave anyone out including my sister that I cannot stand. (I'm learning very well how to be civil).

My question is,
1. would you as a sibling be hurt that you weren't invited?
2. Would you expect that you should call and ask to be invited? My second daughter talks to me about it quite often on her feelings and I don't have the foresight to have a good solution for her as it's something I couldn't fathom doing.
3.As a sibling that was invited, would you feel awkward that your sister and brother weren't invited?
4. As a sibling that does have their dad stop over on his drive down here, would you feel guilty that the dad doesn't stop to see your sister and brother?

Being a mother of 4 kids all with different personalities sucks some times. PS I am NOT talking to their dad about any of this, that is on the kids. I'm just curious how others would feel if they were in my kid's shoes so if my daughter brings it up again, what I can tell her. Trust me, the old me would have called my ex, his new wife and my DIL and said, "What the xxxxxx do you think you are doing not inviting all your kids?" I've learned over the years to shut up and just listen.

Full disclaimer: My oldest son called me tonight to verify plans for shopping tomorrow. He brought up that he heard people were angry about Thanksgiving. He said, what I can't spend Thanksgiving with my dad? I told him I was okay with it but sister/brother was having a hard time understanding why they weren't invited. I told him not to put me in the middle. He is the one that told me 2d and 2s should have called to invite themselves. (no one was told outright about the plans, just heard through grandkids talking) Basically DIL and Exs wife got together to plan this Thanksgiving. I told my son I couldn't get in the middle as I was not brought up this way and can't understand it so not in a position to have a good view of the situation.

edited to leave out paralyzed daughter as it's not in my issue.

I think everyone would need to hear the whole story before answering any of the questions including the Dad's side.

Just from what you have said, it sounds like only your oldest son makes a reciprocal effort to connect with their father. You said your DIL got together with his wife and planned Thanksgiving.

Do your other children pick up the phone and call Dad occasionally. Did they call him and ask "Hey Dad, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?" Do they ever issue their own invites when he comes to town, like "Hey Dad, why don't you and Susie stop by for dinner tomorrow when you are in town, it would be great to catch up." They are adults now and need to form an adult reciprocal bond with their father. Just your statement that he says "If they want to see me, they know where I live" makes it sound like the other children may not keep as close bonds with their father as your oldest does.

Now, if they are indeed inviting him, calling him, and trying to connect year round and still were not invited to Thanksgiving, then yes, I would be supremely hurt.

But it goes both ways. If they never invite him for a barbecue, dinner, coffee, or lunch, or even a call just to chat, or they are dismissive of his new wife (unlike your oldest son) then they shouldn't expect automatic invites to holiday dinners. Sounds like they have an open invite to go visit him in Reno, but don't take him up on the offer. Both sides need to reach out equally.

You are wise to stay out of it.