And so it begins, the dreaded Christmas drama : (

[Hikergirl]

I think everyone would need to hear the whole story before answering any of the questions including the Dad's side.

Just from what you have said, it sounds like only your oldest son makes a reciprocal effort to connect with their father. You said your DIL got together with his wife and planned Thanksgiving.

Do your other children pick up the phone and call Dad occasionally. Did they call him and ask "Hey Dad, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?" Do they ever issue their own invites when he comes to town, like "Hey Dad, why don't you and Susie stop by for dinner tomorrow when you are in town, it would be great to catch up." They are adults now and need to form an adult reciprocal bond with their father. Just your statement that he says "If they want to see me, they know where I live" makes it sound like the other children may not keep as close bonds with their father as your oldest does.

Now, if they are indeed inviting him, calling him, and trying to connect year round and still were not invited to Thanksgiving, then yes, I would be supremely hurt.

But it goes both ways. If they never invite him for a barbecue, dinner, coffee, or lunch, or even a call just to chat, or they are dismissive of his new wife (unlike your oldest son) then they shouldn't expect automatic invites to holiday dinners. Sounds like they have an open invite to go visit him in Reno, but don't take him up on the offer. Both sides need to reach out equally.

You are wise to stay out of it.

This is how it is with dh's dad and his siblings. Dad feels they should be the ones making the effort to invite and include him, and the siblings feel he should be the one. Dh figured out long ago that if he wants to have any relationship with his dad he needs to pick up the phone and call him, not wait for dad to call. I will say that we do all get together as one big family for things like Christmas and holidays, but there are many non specific occasions where we contact FIL to do something- go to dinner or whatever, where as dh's siblings don't really make that effort, but get mad that FIL doesn't make the effort either.

 

[cinnaminny]

Maybe your oldest makes more of an effort to make connections with his dad. Maybe he made it very known that he wants to have a relationship with his dad. Maybe your ex isn't pushing one on your other kids because he either feels guilty or they just seem mostly disinterested. You know when people like you.

I think it was wrong not to extend an invitation, but it could have been because he didn't want to strip you of all your children on an important holiday.

Either way, I think you were right to stay out of it. I have an ex and he clearly makes more of an effort with one of his kids, the kid that is always putting himself out there in regards to him. The other really doesn't have much to do with him, but does get his feelings hurt in the process. My ex is kind of always in trouble. Even in his older years, still with drinking and sometimes jail, its easy to see why one of my kids seems to avoid him.

 

[anniemae]

Goodness. Too much. Too complicated. How do you keep track of all that. Just have your day and who comes, comes. It sounds like adults are forming friendships in this group of people.

This. LOL!! The story has too many unimportant/unrelated details. Just stay out of it. It sounds like it's between the kids and their father.

 

[ADLFAN]

Sounds like a good time to try to plan a get together for Christmas!! Maybe the kids could even admit to some jealousy and see if Dad will commit to dedicating some time for the other 2 siblings and spread the love? I know it can be overwhelming trying to plan and provide for a big group, so maybe Dad would prefer smaller get togethers. And maybe he had little to do with the set up and planning of this Thanksgiving and let his wife run with it without being as considerate and inclusive as he could have been.

I waited and waited for my dad to take interest in my adult life and it never truly happened, but I feel like I would have gotten much more out of him if I'd initiated more get togethers and conversations. I felt it was HIS duty and probably cost myself many opportunities. Don't give up hope - Thanksgiving comes every year.

 

[Minniesgal]

As an adult I don't get involved with how often my dad sees my brothers family versus how often he sees mine i just enjoy the time we have with him. I think part of being an adult is living your own independent life of your siblings and being content with the parental contact you have.

I think as they are all adults dad shouldn't be having to make sure he splits his time equally its reasonable to assume adult behaviour in the kids

 

[Nancyg56]

This. LOL!! The story has too many unimportant/unrelated details. Just stay out of it. It sounds like it's between the kids and their father.

I agree. I would suggest to your adult children that they discuss any issues with their Dad and not with you. Too often, no matter how hard you may try, your own opinions can get into the discussion, and without realizing the consequence, compound a problem. Avoid the mess by staying out of this.

As an adult I don't get involved with how often my dad sees my brothers family versus how often he sees mine i just enjoy the time we have with him. I think part of being an adult is living your own independent life of your siblings and being content with the parental contact you have.

I think as they are all adults dad shouldn't be having to make sure he splits his time equally its reasonable to assume adult behaviour in the kids

Exactly. I am a Mom of three adult children, all married. They are all different and when you add spouses into that mix, they all have different ideas of how to manage their lives. As much as I am an opinionated Mom, I also know that I need to respect that I am no longer a decision maker in their lives. I make plans for Holidays, open my home, and let them make their plans as well. I have found that if am open to their plans, tell them to do what works for them, their lives are less complicated, as is mine. If I started trying to navigate visits with their in laws, which is not the same as an Ex, but can still complicate Holiday visits, I would end up being an accomplice in WWIII.

You should consider this when your kids complain about how they get notified in regards to Holiday celebrations.I would tell mine that perhaps they should reach out rather than wait for an invitation. Personally, on the outside looking in, it looks like there are some unreasonably sensitive feelings here, and that as adults your kids should grow up, and stop leaving it up to the elders to manage their holidays. Perhaps your DDIL and DS are the only ones who have decided to be proactive and make plans with Dad and MIL rather than make Dad ask for then to visit.

 

[GreatLakes]

I have no idea what the back story is I'd it wasn't included but it sounds like your daughter-in-law and ex-husband made arrangements. It appears like they make more effort to have a relationship with him.

I think tour other kids need to make the same effort as this son since, fair or not, it looks like that is what it takes to have a relationship with him.

Is this the only son with a child? I've seen countless times where the relationship between adult kids and their parents get much deeper once there is a grandchild. I see in my group how people's relationship with their parents change dramatically when it happens and, if they are the only one with a grandchild for their parents, they kind of get "favorite child status". I don't think it is on purpose necessarily, just a thing that happens in social animals like humans.

 

[mom2rtk]

It sounds like a complicated mess. But you already knew his faults. I would arrange something for everyone not going to Dad's house and move on.

 

[Southernmiss]

I agree with the others that this is not your business to be in. Just listen to your daughter and say umm hmm, yea, oh. And nothing more.

Women and men think very differently-not just in personal partner relationships, but in family dynamics.

As you know, it's usually the women that lead the holiday /gathering planning. So exDH may not be great in that. And I think new DIL is leading son into how to have a relationship with his dad.

My own husband, his brothers and father all have a different relationship. And I've heard so many times that the phone works both ways. But if no one picks up the phone to make the first move, nothing happens and they go ages without speaking. And then complain about the other-Sheesh!

So many times I've been the one to say "have you talked to dad, brother 1 or brother 2 lately." Knowing the answer is no-not in six months or more. Now, FIL at least lives 20 minutes away so DH does see him every month or 2, but brothers--nope. And one is going through cancer--I just don't get it. But it's their relationship and I mostly stay out, other than to remind/coax DH into calling, etc.

 

[VandVsmama]

Stay out of it. Stay out of the drama and your life will be less complicated.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Well, as the mother of kids who get left out, I can tell you that your older son comes off as a kind of a jerk for making it about him and not understanding why all of the kids should've been invited. You just don't invite half of your kids. Your ex and his new wife are jerks, too. Kids should NOT have to call and beg to be invited for the holidays especially when half the kids are already going.

 

[Skellingtonj]

What does your daughter buying annual passes have to do with anything?? Why are you posting all of their personal info?? I’d be mad as hell if my mom did this to me. I never post my families personal info

 

[Pea-n-Me]

From past threads, I think there is a lot of hurt and anger that the OP (and correct me if I'm wrong, please, OP) was left with the lion's share of dealing with her adult daughter's diagnosis (paralysis) and prolonged hospitalization and their having to move to an apartment where they could both live so she could take care of her, and the financial devastation that comes along with such a predicament, while seemingly everyone else (ex, children, even sister) sort of moved on. The OP was also deliberately excluded from a cookout at her son's house while her children and sister went, and possibly the ex, I can't recall. These were two of the threads I remember, anyway. It does sound like OP is in a little bit better place than before, but there is still a lot of emotional baggage surrounding the family. Understandably.

ETA looking back at the OP in first post after writing this response, I see that it has been edited to take out all information pertaining to paralyzed daughter. (Unedited OP was quoted in second post in thread.) Not sure why it was taken out, because, to me, it is relevant. The edited version sounds like she's not even a consideration.

 

[SirDuff]

What does your daughter buying annual passes have to do with anything?? Why are you posting all of their personal info?? I’d be mad as hell if my mom did this to me. I never post my families personal info

Also confused about the relevance of one son liking video games

 

[Hikergirl]

In some families there will always be drama. The ones who are wronged and the ones who are the jerks just depends on whose version of the story you get. Ask someone else and it changes.

 

[Skellingtonj]

Also confused about the relevance of one son liking video games

Lord at least it’s not just me.

 

[HopperFan]

Agree with all who say ... stay out of it. As one now free of drama, I'd never run towards it again.

#1 They are grown ups. They can resolve this on their own and if they bring it up, tell them. You have to talk to your father. The end.

In your description of the kids, their personalities, the current ex's situation etc and the fact that you have been divorced and not involved with each other for over 20 years ............. there could be dynamics you aren't even aware of.

- Sounds like DIL and Ex's Wife have really hit it off, could be THEY are dictating the folks they want there.
- Sounds like DD2 passed on the camping trip for Disney, could it be Ex is mad at her for that.
- DS lived with EX until they moved, could they have parted with some disagreements; DS not invited or DH trying to force DS to be out on his own and therefore not inviting.
- Does Ex's Wife maybe not like having the others around, do they change her dynamics or plans for the day?

In the end it is up to your Ex to decide what is most important to him, and if the kids are hurt by it they can address it with him or accept it and make their own plans.

If you are planning a meal with other DD then I would just extend invite to all kids "I'm cooking and if you have no other plans, I would love to have you. If you do I understand and enjoy your holiday." That keeps you drama free, on the high road and supportive of your kids.

 

[Floridaman999]

2 of my sons like video games. Now I'm worried about what kind of drama this is gonna introduce to our family events in the future.

 

[tzolkin]

I also know that I need to respect that I am no longer a decision maker in their lives. I make plans for Holidays, open my home, and let them make their plans as well. I have found that if am open to their plans, tell them to do what works for them, their lives are less complicated, as is mine.

I think the difference here is that your kids know they are welcome in your home, but that they are free to make their own plans. To me, that’s the comfort in unconditional love. If you know you’re loved, you don’t have to compare and calculate and weigh out every little thing.

All of my siblings’ families used to live close by but within the last few years two of us have moved around the country. We certainly don’t expect our parents to split their time evenly. But it’s still understood that should any of us want to join them for a holiday, we would be welcomed.

It doesn’t bother me at all that my sisters are the only ones celebrating Christmas with my parents this year since I chose to not travel there to join them. But I could definitely understand being a little hurt if we wanted to come but were explicitly not invited/not welcome.

In my family there are no issues with comparing and trying to weigh out our parents’ love for each sibling. I know that just because my parents may choose to spend double the number of days per year visiting my brother (has 4 babies/young kids) than they spend at my home (teenagers/adult children) doesn’t mean that they love me any less. They may choose to help one family out financially or give gifts and there has never been any jealousy because we all know we are loved.

It’s certainly possible that the OPs kids are just comparing and looking for reasons for drama, but it seems to me more that they don’t feel welcomed or loved by their dad and that’s why they’re hurt by these little things.

 

[dish rag]

It could be too that the children ignored the father over the years while he tried to be a good father. That they were hurt by the divorce and egged on by mum to have those feelings. And now that they are adults the father felt the need to move on and wait for them to come around, if they ever do. Hopefully mum is hinting around to the adult children good things about the father, and not her still harbored hurt. That hurt is still obvious by her initial post. Can't blame her I guess. But time to move on. For all.