Anyone else's finace's ever experience cold feet???

[ChisJo]

Hello,

I am very sad right now and since I have to cancel my plans to WDW for my honeymoon, I was just wondering if anyone has ever experienced what I am going through right now.

I have been engaged for a long time (4 years) and I was the one holding back on getting married ~ too nervous I guess, didn't know if he was the one for sure. He bothered me all the time to set a date. Well, finally I did and now he is completely freaked out. Although we weren't set for next year to get married, he has now said that he is not sure that he is ready for that long term commitment. Just wondering if this has happened to anyone else and how did you handle it??? Right now I'm trying to be calm, but at the same time am very hurt. Can someone give me some advice on how to handle this?? I have talked to many of my friends, but most are not married, or are newly dating someone, or are happily married and can't really give me some advice.

Anything would be appreciated....

Thanks

Joline

 

[PrincessGrace]

First, I think a deep breath would help. I probably fall in the dating someone catagory, but I do know how it feels to be hurt, not by a fiance or a boyfriend, but by a very close friend. Maybe try talking this out (if you haven't already)? Something like "Sweetie, you asked me to do this and I did, why are you upset?" Maybe try venting to a girlfriend to get rid of the raw feelings? In my experiences, conversations with raw feelings sometime hurt more than the original complaint(can't think of another word, sorry). And then things are said that either party will regret. I think I would take a long, hot, bath and try not to let this bring me down. Someone's life can change in a matter of minutes. My philosopy is everything happens for a reason. This might still work out. I hope this helps a little.

 

[Misti]

Hi Joline,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I would continue keeping the lines of communication open and give him whatever space he needs. Hopefully, the space will give him room to think and make up his mind. WDW will always be here. When the time is right for both of you, the planning will be even more magical.

Good luck.

 

[ChisJo]

I am giving him plenty space, but now I am getting mad. I am trying not to show it ~ we decided it would be best if he left town with some friend for a couple of days. I am very dissapointed. I feel very betrayed and upset and especially hurt. He's coming home tomorrow to tell me whether or not he's moving out ~ moving out because he needs to feel free. Do girls look at marriage differently, or is he just exhibiting the worst cold feet I have ever seen? This is so hard on me ~ his parents are calling me to check up on me ~ not him!!! Don't know, and had to vent. I appreciate the kind words. Hopefully, the next time I see him, it won't end so badly.

 

[tink2dw]

Yes!!! Women and Men do veiw all of Life changes differently! Women Dream of their Wedding Day! Men spend their lives trying to aviod "getting caught".

His Panic is a common thing[and happens to men at all stages when there are Life changes ie Birth of baby, and marriage]!!!

Most of the Time however it happens after the Wedding![think how hurt you would be then!Happened to my Best freind!]

 

[Michelle]

Joline, I am speaking from experience when I say that if you or he have ANY doubt about a lifetime commitment to each other, please do not consider marriage at this point.

I was engaged at 21 to my high school/college boyfriend, but that wedding was called off about 6 months in advance. We were wise enough to figure out we were way too young to be married.

I was engaged again at 25 to someone I thought I loved, but who turned out to be someone entirely different. That wedding got called off two weeks prior, and although it was a very painful experience, I am very thankful it happened or there is no doubt we would have been divorced.

I was engaged again at 29, this time to the RIGHT man (3rd times a charm!) and we celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary next weekend. Never for one moment did I doubt he was the one for me.

When it's right, you will know it, and it will not be nearly as difficult as what you're going through right now. I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you!

 

[LindaBabe]

Your feelings are hurt. You feel rejected. Undesirable. etc. Time will make it hurt less, I promise you. Courage, my Dear.

In the long run, this may have been a lucky break for you. Remember, you stalled for a long time on setting the date - and then you finally did. But there must have been some reason - visible or not - why you stalled. And it's a heck of a lot easier to not have a marraige in the first place than it is to get out of a rotten one!!! I KNOW.

I think having him move out is a good idea. You can spend some time getting reacquainted with YOU, what you want, what you think and what you feel. You may well find that he really is not what you want!

You are a beautiful loveable woman, and you CAN survive this. YOU WILL survive this and be stronger for it.

 

[ChisJo]

He just finished moving out. He is officially gone. We vowed to continue talking ~ we have so much to clear up anyways. It is so much harder than I thought ~ the hardest was watching him pack up. I tried to be strong ~ I really did, but the second he started putting the boxes in his car, I completely broke down. He apologized so many times, but it never made me feel better. Thanks again for trying to make me feel better. I tell you something, my faith in God has never been stronger than right now because I feel that God is the only one who can make me strong right now.

Joline

 

[*Wish*Upon*A*Star*]

Joline-

I don't know what to say right now that would help you get through this... I just wanted to give you a HUGE cyber {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

If you ever need to talk, please let us know. We are all here for you.

 

[LoDivaLoca]

OH Joline. How are you feeling?

Michelle is right. As much as this sucks now, everything happens for a reason. So if he doesn't come to his senses (VERY) soon, then it's not meant to be. Another poster mentioned how you hesitated - have you really thought why? Just this year I broke up with my boyfriend that I was dating over a year - and we had been thru alot. (He had cancer, etc.) As much as it killed me, I knew I was just kidding myself in believing he was the one. He was fun, nice, a good guy - but just not the one. I CRIED so much when I broke up with him. Because I DID love him, I missed him - I hurt him, but it was what was right. (I knew deep down I was just "settling.") I don't know if any of this is actually helping, but what I'm trying to say is that you're gonna go thru a tough time now, but now you can really think about what you feel. Just remember as bad as it feels now, just think how much worse it could have been finding out only weeks before. (God, I hope I don't sound like a jerk....)

Feel Better.

(((((Joline))))))

 

[ChisJo]

It's been over a week now since this all started happening, and it is still really hard. You asked why I hesitated before to marry him. Well, I'll tell you why. I had been in a really rough relationship when I started dating him. I actually broke the other one off when I started seeing Chris. Me and the other guy had a baby together (I gave the baby up for adoption, mostly because I wanted him to have a great family, which was something I couldn't give) and I thought when me and the other guy were dating, he was the one. I was young and stupid, we fought all the time, in fact, I think we loved to fight ~ that was our strongest point in our relationship. He didn't work, lived at home, his parents paid for eveything, and he was a complete jerk, but I thought he was the one. When I started dating Chris, I wanted to make sure. He proposed to me 10 months after we started dating, and I thought I'm still too young, I've been through alot (still was getting over giving up a child) and was too strong at the time to settle down ~ does that make sense??? Now, I think that I waited to long, but I'm a student, we lived in my parents house, and I paid nothing for rent, had hardly any bills to pay, and basically wanted to save up for the perfect wedding. So that's why I waited. I honestly believed that true love would wait, but I think now I waited to long. We still talk, I was very mature through this whole thing. I never said anything spiteful or hateful to him, and never intend to. I always told Chris if he ever felt scared or confused, he had to tell me, and I promised I would never be mad. Although I am mad, I could never hate him for being honest. I honestly believe that we will end up together again ~ we still talk on a daily basis, but I also want to give him time. I have talked now to so many people who have gone through the same thing as us. Sometimes the break was for one year, others for a month. I want him to go have his fun partying and drinking, or whatever it is he wants to do. He will realize that it's not as fun as he remembered it to be when he was younger. His family is so great ~ they all keep asking how I am doing. They too all believe that this is a faze that he must go through to realize how much he loves me. He keeps telling me so, and I keep believing it. But, I also now realize that I will not wait forever. I have an education to think about, and a life to live. I also now realize how many friends I truly have ~ for they all came to me when I needed them. Thank you all for your wishes and hugs and allowing me to share my frustrations. You have all been so kind in your responses. I truly feel like this is my family ~ even though I have never met you, you are always on my mind throughout the day.

Thanks again everyone.

Joline

 

[wmears13]

ChrisJo, first of all, the "right" one is worth waiting for and he will come along. Do not just settle for someone. I married for the first time at 33 (& where I'm from people are becomming grandparents at 40!). Married a guy 10 yrs. younger-and he is the one who wanted to get married!!!! I was voteing for just living together, but he wanted the commitment.

This guy is probably a part of your past; a really great friend, but just a friend. Luckily you found out know he is scared of commitment. You did not "wait too long" to get married. If he was the one, he'd wait forever. True love will wait and slog through all sorts of obstecles in order to be together.

You sound like you are handling this very well. I know I would not have been so supportive of him.

You are to be commended for realizing you couldn't raise a child and giving the baby up for adoption. That shows maturity and great love. You made another couple's dreams a reality that day; and created a family.

 

[Kaelyn]

My fiance broke our engagement over five years ago over cold feet disguised as something else that was much more hurtful. Now, he is writing me letters and email and stuff. (He's in a differnet state.) It is pretty confusing. Just keep breathing and holding out for what you want. Just make sure that is is what you really want. The interesting thing is that now that he is resurfacing, my life has taken on a different path, and I am not sure what I want anymore. I'm only 25. I won't promise pixie dust, but just keep in mind that you are complete with him or without him. I know from experience that life is not a fairy tale, but you just have to keep going one breath at a time. Of course you know this already. But if he is flipping out that easily over long term committment, you might want to rethink committing your life to him. I know it hurts, but it is better to face facts sooner rather than 5 years later. I cringe when I think of the opportunities I have missed in the last five years, both personal and romantic.

 

[Gillian]

Hi Joline! I'm happy to hear you are handling this so well. You have a whole life ahead of you, and lots of good things to look forward to. I sent you a PM about suzykats

 

[Robin1116]

Joline,

Just want to send you a hug and let you know (like everyone is telling you) it will all work out!!!

When it gets tough just remember that it is better that you didn't marry right away if there was doubt for either one of you....

One of my girlfriends married last year, just jumped in despite the warning signs and she was seperated from him in less than six months..... after a huge wedding! I feel so bad for her but now she regrets to not listening before the wedding..... atleast you will never have to go through that!!!

We are very close to the same age, I am 24, so don't worry I do understand what you are going through! I almost married or atleast seriously commited to a boyfriend I would have regretted, always listen to yourself and you will know you are doing the right thing!!!

Focus on school and your family and friends, these are the people that can help you out and help you back on your feet!!!

And remember to look ahead, you have quite a bit of your life ahead of you (me too)! And with time and learning we will find the right path!