Assault at a Concert

me too.... many times

confusion
shock
sadness
embarrassed
fight or flight
scared
anger
mistrust
avoidance
isolation
haunted
forever scarred

i'm sorry this happened to you! get help please.

we all need to stand up, i'm just not sure how yet...
 
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I've had a very similar thing happen. It is so scary how many men and occasionally even women, think they can do this. And they get away with it, its so upsetting.
 
You absolutely should have made a scene. At the very least his wife would have known although if he's doing it right next to you the wife probably already knows. Also, if he did that to you in a public place, he's likely done it before to others. You should have made a scene and gotten security involved. I know that at the time you were probably in a bit of shock not knowing what to do. Clowns like this need to be stopped. Sorry for you.

It's not particularly helpful in many situations to tell someone what they "absolutely should have done". This is one of them. Statements like that frequently make those who have been victimized feel guilt and shame, despite another party being entirely at fault.
 
It's not particularly helpful in many situations to tell someone what they "absolutely should have done". This is one of them. Statements like that frequently make those who have been victimized feel guilt and shame, despite another party being entirely at fault.

To be fair, just offering comfort isn't really helpful either.
The fact is women everywhere have to deal with this kind of stuff, at what point is it OK to say we need too..... or we should......?
If someone tells me what I should have done I'm not going to feel shameful or guilty, I'm going to feel empowered to do/say something next time because I know "people will have my back".

If we want it to stop then we have to take steps to stop it and that includes looking at ourselves and figuring out what we need to do if we find ourselves in that situation.
Those kinds of men (and women who do it too) rely on the fact that we aren't going to say anything to them, that we aren't going to make a scene or get security or some others involved. That is why it is such an issue, that is why they keep doing it and getting away with it.
Nobody is going to stand up for you until you stand up for yourself.

I would never tell the OP what she should have done, I don't know her, but I would tell my daughter and any other young woman in my life who I am close too. I'm going to do what I can to make sure they aren't the ones feeling guilt or shame if some ******* decides to grope them.
 


To be fair, just offering comfort isn't really helpful either.
The fact is women everywhere have to deal with this kind of stuff, at what point is it OK to say we need too..... or we should......?
If someone tells me what I should have done I'm not going to feel shameful or guilty, I'm going to feel empowered to do/say something next time because I know "people will have my back".

If we want it to stop then we have to take steps to stop it and that includes looking at ourselves and figuring out what we need to do if we find ourselves in that situation.
Those kinds of men (and women who do it too) rely on the fact that we aren't going to say anything to them, that we aren't going to make a scene or get security or some others involved. That is why it is such an issue, that is why they keep doing it and getting away with it.
Nobody is going to stand up for you until you stand up for yourself.

To be completely fair, I didn't "just offer comfort". Matter of fact I didn't address that aspect at all.

My comments are based on quite a bit of experience over the years dealing with those who have been victims of sexual assault. I have been told repeatedly that the sense of guilt and shame is as much, if not more overwhelming than the effects of the assault itself. In talking with several counselors who treat those who have been assaulted, some of whom run support groups, one of the things I have learned is to first listen to what the person has to say, because oftentimes the biggest hurdle to surmount is being able to express thoughts and feelings about what has happened. The ability to unburden oneself about what happened can be key to beginning to heal. It's perfectly normal to offer reassurance and empathy to someone clearly suffering and in distress. What's less intuitive about the situation is that it's quite often counterproductive to jump in with suggestions of how to do things differently -- unless personally requested. When someone in shock and distress expresses the source of their pain and it is met with an instant litany of suggestions it is often internalized as the victim being the root cause of the attack -- even if that isn't remotely what the person offering the suggestions intended. Taking it to the extreme of telling someone what they "absolutely should have done" definitely offers up a heavy load of shame and guilt to be shouldered.

There is absolutely a need and a venue for propagandizing for how to protect and advocate for ourselves to head off risk factors as best we can and attempting to be prepared for the worst if need be. In the face of someone wrestling with the aftermath ain't it. People are worked up about athletes celebrating goals, yet shrug off people being told what they absolutely should have done in a situation like this or attention seeking by telling tales of how they fought back in similar situations? That simply doesn't sit well with me, not even a little bit.
 
It's not particularly helpful in many situations to tell someone what they "absolutely should have done". This is one of them. Statements like that frequently make those who have been victimized feel guilt and shame, despite another party being entirely at fault.

Wasn't meant as a chastisement for the OP. It was meant as a caution for anyone finding themselves in a similar situation should it ever arise. I understand your point. I should have said "Should anyone else find themselves in a situation like this it's best to..."
 
I had many friends at this concert. I asked one female who was there what she would have done. She said she would have been scared, too, but, if she didn't see a security guard close by, she would have texted 911. Everyone was using their phones, so it wouldn't have been as obvious. Yes, extreme to some, but she has PTSD from a sexual assault in college.

If my DH and I had been sitting close to you and you asked for help, I would probably have to miss the rest of the concert to bail my DH out of jail after he got done with the creep

So sorry for your experience.

Terri
 


To be completely fair, I didn't "just offer comfort". Matter of fact I didn't address that aspect at all.

That wasn't meant towards you, it was a general statement.

My comments are based on quite a bit of experience over the years dealing with those who have been victims of sexual assault. I have been told repeatedly that the sense of guilt and shame is as much, if not more overwhelming than the effects of the assault itself. In talking with several counselors who treat those who have been assaulted, some of whom run support groups, one of the things I have learned is to first listen to what the person has to say, because oftentimes the biggest hurdle to surmount is being able to express thoughts and feelings about what has happened. The ability to unburden oneself about what happened can be key to beginning to heal. It's perfectly normal to offer reassurance and empathy to someone clearly suffering and in distress. What's less intuitive about the situation is that it's quite often counterproductive to jump in with suggestions of how to do things differently -- unless personally requested. When someone in shock and distress expresses the source of their pain and it is met with an instant litany of suggestions it is often internalized as the victim being the root cause of the attack -- even if that isn't remotely what the person offering the suggestions intended. Taking it to the extreme of telling someone what they "absolutely should have done" definitely offers up a heavy load of shame and guilt to be shouldered.

There is absolutely a need and a venue for propagandizing for how to protect and advocate for ourselves to head off risk factors as best we can and attempting to be prepared for the worst if need be. In the face of someone wrestling with the aftermath ain't it. People are worked up about athletes celebrating goals, yet shrug off people being told what they absolutely should have done in a situation like this or attention seeking by telling tales of how they fought back in similar situations? That simply doesn't sit well with me, not even a little bit.

I don't disagree with anything you said but this is not a counseling session, it's a message board and when you share your experiences there will be people who share advice on what to do in those situations.
That poster wasn't wrong, maybe it could have been worded it another way but the message was an important one.
 
Last edited:
Wasn't meant as a chastisement for the OP. It was meant as a caution for anyone finding themselves in a similar situation should it ever arise. I understand your point. I should have said "Should anyone else find themselves in a situation like this it's best to..."
I took it as almost giving permission that it's ok to do, not as a directive. (Not that the OP needs permission, but if women hear it enough, they realize it's ok, since we have often been taught to be "nice".)
 
I was going to say, growing up in the 60s and 70s, especially out at clubs and such, it was pretty commonplace to be "grabbed". I never had any problem forcefully pushing someone's hand away and giving the death stare or telling them to knock it off. I was even groped by a patient before when I was leaning over another patient in the bed beside him! Not cool!

I think that things today, in the Me Too period, are a lot different. All of us know it's not right to invade someone's personal or private space, and know it's ok to take whatever means necessary to stop it. I saw that Cuba Gooding is learning his lesson about it the hard way. Being drunk isn't an excuse anymore.

I don't think the OP should not have gone to the concert alone. I like a pp's suggestion of asking the other couple to change seats, but I also wouldn't have had an issue with security coming in and removing him, either. What a creep that guy was! I do think there is an element of using common sense and protecting yourself, I talk about that with my DD a lot, and she's had classes with college campus security and such. I don't think it's a bad idea for women to carry pepper spray or Mace, or even arm themselves for self-protection. Too many are at the mercy of others wanting to hurt or kill them. We read the stories every day but I don't see a lot being done to stop it.
 
A swift kick to the jewels ends nonsense like that quick. Sometimes violence is the answer.
I really cannot understand why women put up with this. First response is walk away. This should be effective most of the time. If not then jewels and that plus walk away probably 99% effective. If serious then shoot to kill. A kill shot takes care of that pesky 1%.

I have had similar experiences. I am male and had similar experiences with women including in one case the wife of a good friend. I just maintained distance until they understand the situation. I don’t blame anyone and never said anything later but just keep my distance until things calm down.

When I was in college I was walking to a summer job and three girls pull over and try insistently to get me in the car to go to their apartment. I just kept walking and eventually they left so no big deal.

If you don’t like it then walk away and escalate if they escalate. If by yourself where no security then shoot to kill if they escalate.

If you want to be a victim then you will be a victim. If you don’t want to be a victims then you cannot be passive.
 
I was going to say, growing up in the 60s and 70s, especially out at clubs and such, it was pretty commonplace to be "grabbed". I never had any problem forcefully pushing someone's hand away and giving the death stare or telling them to knock it off. I was even groped by a patient before when I was leaning over another patient in the bed beside him! Not cool!

I think that things today, in the Me Too period, are a lot different. All of us know it's not right to invade someone's personal or private space, and know it's ok to take whatever means necessary to stop it. I saw that Cuba Gooding is learning his lesson about it the hard way. Being drunk isn't an excuse anymore.

I don't think the OP should not have gone to the concert alone. I like a pp's suggestion of asking the other couple to change seats, but I also wouldn't have had an issue with security coming in and removing him, either. What a creep that guy was! I do think there is an element of using common sense and protecting yourself, I talk about that with my DD a lot, and she's had classes with college campus security and such. I don't think it's a bad idea for women to carry pepper spray or Mace, or even arm themselves for self-protection. Too many are at the mercy of others wanting to hurt or kill them. We read the stories every day but I don't see a lot being done to stop it.

I really like your post but if you are isolated you need to pull out all stops to defend yourself. Arm yourself and shoot to kill if necessary. The strong sometimes prey on the weak. It happens with men and women and men with men. You sometimes can’t depend on anyone other than yourself and so need to ensure that you can take care of yourself in that situation. Arm yourself and shoot to kill if necessary. You are not only protecting yourself but others in the future that could be the target of that predator. Firearms really are the great equalizer between someone that is physically strong and someone that isn’t. You will be doing all of us a favor by putting them down.
 
Yes, your post makes it obvious you don't understand.
If you could explain it to me then eternally grateful to you. I have six year old twin girls that I don’t ever want to respond passively to aggression so your explanation will be immensely useful.
 
As a child, my dad taught me how to fight. He taught me if anyone bothers you and you need to take them out, here’s different ways to do it, and to always fight if your safety is involved. I’ve only a very few times been bothered by men. I say it’s because I’m plump, but my DH says it’s because I give off a vibe of “I will cut you!” Ha! I totally understand freezing and being scared, but women need to stop putting up with this kind of stuff just to not make anyone else uncomfortable. These criminals need to be more than uncomfortable. They need to be writhing on the floor holding their junk and crying.
 
If you could explain it to me then eternally grateful to you. I have six year old twin girls that I don’t ever want to respond passively to aggression so your explanation will be immensely useful.
And you just keep on teaching them that "NO!" is an appropriate answer.

Women need to stop being afraid or embarrassed by someone ELSE'S bad behavior! If everyone always called out creeps and made everyone very aware of what they are doing, more people would be safer in this world. As long as the perp thinks there is even a slight modicum of a chance that they might get away with it, they are going to try.
 
The thing about hitting middle age is that you can finally think of the things that you don't think of in a hurry earlier on. One of the fastest ways to get a guy to lay off on that is to keep your keys out or get them out fast and then do some damage to any part of him if he keeps it up. Even a little pain will begin to get his attention! If you hit a 'tender' area, then it so much better. :)
 

GET A DISNEY VACATION QUOTE

Dreams Unlimited Travel is committed to providing you with the very best vacation planning experience possible. Our Vacation Planners are experts and will share their honest advice to help you have a magical vacation.

Let us help you with your next Disney Vacation!










Top