Being Lonely and no friends is just as dangerous as smoking.

It IS hard to make friends. I had a rough time as a new mother - I was in a new city and all my (few) friends had moved away around when I had my first birthday. After a year and a half of isolation, I ended up starting a forum for local moms in the same boat I was! It was amazing and really helped me develop those friendships I needed.

Now my kids are teens and I have retracted to a small social circle. I am actively trying to cultivate a few new friendships. While I am a social person, it's sometimes hard to take that first step to inviting someone over for dinner or for an outing. It's always great when I push myself a little harder and do it though.

I do aquafit in the mornings these days and it's filled with seniors who all get really chatty. Many have been coming for years and I can see for many of them, this is a social thing. It's been fun meeting so many new people. Hard to take it beyond the pool though...rather difficult to exchange numbers lol.
 
I sincerely hope that remains to be the case for her. Based on what I've learned from experts who evaluate and treat geriatric patients and patients with dementia, your mom's lifestyle is very high risk for more than one reason.

I genuinely mean it when I say I hope she is an outlier statistically, and there always are some.

She is in perfect health, and it drives me crazy because she SHOULD have a whole host of health issues due to her lifestyle. We are always harping on her. Good genetics, I guess. There is also no history of alzheimers/dementia in her family.
 
It is hard. I mean, I am friendly with most of the people in my office but I don’t have anything in common with them outside of work. I am a generation older than most of the people in my neighborhood, so not much in common there either. I had a couple close friends, but Florida being the kind of transient place it is, they have moved on. I enjoy alone time so I am not lonely most of the time. But every once in a while I get the urge to be social and don’t have anyone available. I am an introvert and don’t meet people easily anyway.
 


OP, you mentioned you work out at the Y. Our local Y is small and in a rural area. Have you ever tried group classes? The aquatics classes in particular are very close. Like 20 or 30 people will do a potluck lunch, or all meet up somewhere. They are mostly age 60 and up, and are a very tight knit group. I join their classes occasionally and they are really fun.
 
Loneliness is awful :(

We have an elderly lady just down the road with no family left and we suspect very few friends. We make a point in visiting her a few times a week, but in all truth that's just a drop in the ocean.
 
most people dont understand the difference between being alone and being lonely.

You can be perfectly content and have good mental health by choosing to be alone.

Being lonely is very different, you can be surrounded by people but still feel extremely lonely.

Social isolation and lack of interaction with another human can be very bad for mental and emotional health
 


I'm not taking too much stock in this study, based on how poorly it was reported in this article. Too full of holes to be valid. Also, Harvard, land of the trendy trends.
 
"Having no friends" isn't what could be as deadly as smoking.
Having some sort of social anxiety which causes you to isolate yourself could be.
 
(haven't read the article, just replying to the discussion here)

Am I wrong, are there others like me, that would just like a nice friendship with other group of ladies, and it is just so hard to find that kind of friendship?

I do think it gets harder to make friends as adults. - In fact, I was just talking about this with a potential new friend yesterday. :laughing:

I'm lucky that I still have the - I guess you'd call it "scaffolding" - of kids' activities (in this case, I had taken my niece and nephew to storytime at the library) to help, but we were observing how quickly the kids made friends and how much more tentative we generally feel as adults. I'm hoping it's a good stepping stone.


As for advice, just keep putting yourself in situations where you might connect with someone: volunteer, attend community programs, or even (I think it was mentioned upthread) start something up yourself.

And check with the secretary at church - maybe they need someone to head up a welcome committee. Who knows, your new friend might just be the next person to move in!
 
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I work overnight shift and moved to a new city 10 years ago where the only people I've ever met here are people I work with. I want to go to our local yarn store for their weekly yarn along nights to try and make some friends with similar interests as I don't have any real friends here aside from my husband and my sister. But the problem has been making it to the events on the night I'm actually off. I'd intended to go the last few weeks but after a death in the family we were out of town and then my husband was actually home the evening of the last one so I felt I should stay with him but I really want to go and meet people! Maybe I'll try tomorrow even though he'll be home again...
 
It definitely is, but it is too often pathologized as something harmful when it isn't necessarily.
The human race strives to find something wrong with everything.

There is nothing wrong with not having the need to be around other people constantly.

I have friends. We cycle together when we can, which isn't very often these days. We tour on bicycles every summer for a week or 2. 99% of the time though, I am alone.

My main problem with my friends is they all have kids that are gone so most of the smaller trips my buddy's wife plans them over holidays so we don't have to take as many vacation days. I still have kids that are teenagers that don't live with me. If my ex is not working the holiday, the girls usually go with her to one of her family get-togethers. I don't have family, it is only me, so when she is working, I'm with my girls. Then I get flack from my buddy's wife because I'm not going on the trips with them.
 
I saw this on Facebook, and thought it would be very appropriate in this thread. Source https://www.facebook.com/thenonperfectparentsclub/

Say bye to my husband as he goes out to work. Take the eldest to school. Just me and the 2 year old again. Alone.

What shall we do today? All alone.
Farm? Soft play? The park? Just us. I wonder if anyone fancies a brew?! But who is there to call?
I’ll just do some jobs, have a brew. What time is it? Shall we head out and get back for dinner? Where shall we go? Just us.

The loneliness creeps in. Should I ring my husband? No he’s busy at work, I mustn’t disturb him. Who shall I message?
I’ll just scroll Facebook and maybe the gram. See if anyone’s about.
Should I message that mum from school? No she’ll be busy. You only know her to chat to, will she even want a brew?

We play some games. Read a book. Shall we watch some telly? I’ll just scroll Facebook again... get some contact with the world. Something other than these 4 walls.

Now it’s dinner time. Maybe someone will be around after school?

Hi are you in this aft? x
No sorry.
Ok x
Why what’s up?
Nothing (not strictly true), was just seeing if you were free for a brew. x
No I’m not sorry.

Hi what you up2?
Just in town.
Ahh ok.
Why?
Just seeing if you were in and fancied a brew.

Are you home?
No I’m at work.

It’s just me, the toddler and these 4 walls today. There’s always tomorrow.
No-one messages, maybe it’s me. Maybe no-one wants to meet us. It’s ok. I’m ok. No adult company today. The loneliness is creeping in.
We pick the eldest up from school. If I’m lucky there might be a parent about for a chat. Only I can’t hold a full conversation as the youngest is clinging off me, running about. I need to keep my eye on her.

We go home and there’s now 2 little voices to contend with.
By the time my husband gets home from work, we’re eating tea. He joins us. We chat about nothing much. I’m exhausted.
Exhausted from being lonely.
There’s always tomorrow for some company.

The days blur. The loneliness sinks in. So much so that even after you’ve had company, you still feel lonely.
You stop asking if people are free. You stick to the 4 walls, your kids and your brew.
It’s the loneliness that numbs my brain. Does it numb anyone else’s? No conversations to make me think, to make my brain whir.

I forget how to interact with people. I can’t make new friends. The ones I’ve got don’t have time to meet up, why would anybody new? It’s ok. I’m ok.

The loneliness sinks deeper into my skin.
There’s always tomorrow.
 
I think there are lots of nuances to the alone/lonely issue, and particularly when it comes to the elderly. Often mobility, health and finances prevent them from being “out and around” and accessing help or participating in community to the extent younger people can. The practical concerns of ageing without a support system is definitely a problem for many that can’t help but be a risk to their physical well-being, regardless of their emotional or mental state.

Temperamentally, there are many people who are comfortable without much social interaction and have been all their lives, so they don’t miss having a lot of relationships. I’ve seen it go the other way more often though, with families moving away or becoming estranged and friends and contemporaries drifting off. I’d also say this thread is fairly representative of the proportion of people who find modern life emotionally isolating. It’s difficult to form and sustain friendships and many people feel the lack in their lives.
 
I saw this on Facebook, and thought it would be very appropriate in this thread. Source https://www.facebook.com/thenonperfectparentsclub/

Say bye to my husband as he goes out to work. Take the eldest to school. Just me and the 2 year old again. Alone.

What shall we do today? All alone.
Farm? Soft play? The park? Just us. I wonder if anyone fancies a brew?! But who is there to call?
I’ll just do some jobs, have a brew. What time is it? Shall we head out and get back for dinner? Where shall we go? Just us.

The loneliness creeps in. Should I ring my husband? No he’s busy at work, I mustn’t disturb him. Who shall I message?
I’ll just scroll Facebook and maybe the gram. See if anyone’s about.
Should I message that mum from school? No she’ll be busy. You only know her to chat to, will she even want a brew?

We play some games. Read a book. Shall we watch some telly? I’ll just scroll Facebook again... get some contact with the world. Something other than these 4 walls.

Now it’s dinner time. Maybe someone will be around after school?

Hi are you in this aft? x
No sorry.
Ok x
Why what’s up?
Nothing (not strictly true), was just seeing if you were free for a brew. x
No I’m not sorry.

Hi what you up2?
Just in town.
Ahh ok.
Why?
Just seeing if you were in and fancied a brew.

Are you home?
No I’m at work.

It’s just me, the toddler and these 4 walls today. There’s always tomorrow.
No-one messages, maybe it’s me. Maybe no-one wants to meet us. It’s ok. I’m ok. No adult company today. The loneliness is creeping in.
We pick the eldest up from school. If I’m lucky there might be a parent about for a chat. Only I can’t hold a full conversation as the youngest is clinging off me, running about. I need to keep my eye on her.

We go home and there’s now 2 little voices to contend with.
By the time my husband gets home from work, we’re eating tea. He joins us. We chat about nothing much. I’m exhausted.
Exhausted from being lonely.
There’s always tomorrow for some company.

The days blur. The loneliness sinks in. So much so that even after you’ve had company, you still feel lonely.
You stop asking if people are free. You stick to the 4 walls, your kids and your brew.
It’s the loneliness that numbs my brain. Does it numb anyone else’s? No conversations to make me think, to make my brain whir.

I forget how to interact with people. I can’t make new friends. The ones I’ve got don’t have time to meet up, why would anybody new? It’s ok. I’m ok.

The loneliness sinks deeper into my skin.
There’s always tomorrow.
I wi
I saw this on Facebook, and thought it would be very appropriate in this thread. Source https://www.facebook.com/thenonperfectparentsclub/

Say bye to my husband as he goes out to work. Take the eldest to school. Just me and the 2 year old again. Alone.

What shall we do today? All alone.
Farm? Soft play? The park? Just us. I wonder if anyone fancies a brew?! But who is there to call?
I’ll just do some jobs, have a brew. What time is it? Shall we head out and get back for dinner? Where shall we go? Just us.

The loneliness creeps in. Should I ring my husband? No he’s busy at work, I mustn’t disturb him. Who shall I message?
I’ll just scroll Facebook and maybe the gram. See if anyone’s about.
Should I message that mum from school? No she’ll be busy. You only know her to chat to, will she even want a brew?

We play some games. Read a book. Shall we watch some telly? I’ll just scroll Facebook again... get some contact with the world. Something other than these 4 walls.

Now it’s dinner time. Maybe someone will be around after school?

Hi are you in this aft? x
No sorry.
Ok x
Why what’s up?
Nothing (not strictly true), was just seeing if you were free for a brew. x
No I’m not sorry.

Hi what you up2?
Just in town.
Ahh ok.
Why?
Just seeing if you were in and fancied a brew.

Are you home?
No I’m at work.

It’s just me, the toddler and these 4 walls today. There’s always tomorrow.
No-one messages, maybe it’s me. Maybe no-one wants to meet us. It’s ok. I’m ok. No adult company today. The loneliness is creeping in.
We pick the eldest up from school. If I’m lucky there might be a parent about for a chat. Only I can’t hold a full conversation as the youngest is clinging off me, running about. I need to keep my eye on her.

We go home and there’s now 2 little voices to contend with.
By the time my husband gets home from work, we’re eating tea. He joins us. We chat about nothing much. I’m exhausted.
Exhausted from being lonely.
There’s always tomorrow for some company.

The days blur. The loneliness sinks in. So much so that even after you’ve had company, you still feel lonely.
You stop asking if people are free. You stick to the 4 walls, your kids and your brew.
It’s the loneliness that numbs my brain. Does it numb anyone else’s? No conversations to make me think, to make my brain whir.

I forget how to interact with people. I can’t make new friends. The ones I’ve got don’t have time to meet up, why would anybody new? It’s ok. I’m ok.

The loneliness sinks deeper into my skin.
There’s always tomorrow.
I wish there was some kind of program, that would allow people my age to help out with new parents that need help with toddlers and babies. People are so weary of anyone that is not their age. My dd and her husband lived with us for 6 months. 3 of those months she was pregnant and the last 3 was with the baby. It was time that they moved and continued with their lives and jobs, but my daughter is over an hour away and she said, "mom, I wish you could just pop over here so I could make a hot meal, or get in the shower." We face time and she said her daughter perks up the minute she hears my voice. I know people cannot afford baby nurses or nannies, and thus this is why they stay home, but I sure wish I could help new mom's or toddler mom's without seeming like the "weird lady" that wants to help out. In the US, we just don't have that kind of support system, unless it is family. Even people with multiple's babies, rather have family help, than just friends and aquaintences.
 
I saw this on Facebook, and thought it would be very appropriate in this thread. Source https://www.facebook.com/thenonperfectparentsclub/

Say bye to my husband as he goes out to work. Take the eldest to school. Just me and the 2 year old again. Alone.

What shall we do today? All alone.
Farm? Soft play? The park? Just us. I wonder if anyone fancies a brew?! But who is there to call?
I’ll just do some jobs, have a brew. What time is it? Shall we head out and get back for dinner? Where shall we go? Just us.

The loneliness creeps in. Should I ring my husband? No he’s busy at work, I mustn’t disturb him. Who shall I message?
I’ll just scroll Facebook and maybe the gram. See if anyone’s about.
Should I message that mum from school? No she’ll be busy. You only know her to chat to, will she even want a brew?

We play some games. Read a book. Shall we watch some telly? I’ll just scroll Facebook again... get some contact with the world. Something other than these 4 walls.

Now it’s dinner time. Maybe someone will be around after school?

Hi are you in this aft? x
No sorry.
Ok x
Why what’s up?
Nothing (not strictly true), was just seeing if you were free for a brew. x
No I’m not sorry.

Hi what you up2?
Just in town.
Ahh ok.
Why?
Just seeing if you were in and fancied a brew.

Are you home?
No I’m at work.

It’s just me, the toddler and these 4 walls today. There’s always tomorrow.
No-one messages, maybe it’s me. Maybe no-one wants to meet us. It’s ok. I’m ok. No adult company today. The loneliness is creeping in.
We pick the eldest up from school. If I’m lucky there might be a parent about for a chat. Only I can’t hold a full conversation as the youngest is clinging off me, running about. I need to keep my eye on her.

We go home and there’s now 2 little voices to contend with.
By the time my husband gets home from work, we’re eating tea. He joins us. We chat about nothing much. I’m exhausted.
Exhausted from being lonely.
There’s always tomorrow for some company.

The days blur. The loneliness sinks in. So much so that even after you’ve had company, you still feel lonely.
You stop asking if people are free. You stick to the 4 walls, your kids and your brew.
It’s the loneliness that numbs my brain. Does it numb anyone else’s? No conversations to make me think, to make my brain whir.

I forget how to interact with people. I can’t make new friends. The ones I’ve got don’t have time to meet up, why would anybody new? It’s ok. I’m ok.

The loneliness sinks deeper into my skin.
There’s always tomorrow.

That's really kind of sad.
I think having kids can open up new friendships, but it may take putting yourself out there, making the call that you might think is awkward. You never know where it can lead.

While there were days I missed having adult conversations I never felt lonely.
I did as much as I could do with my kids, just us. That is exactly one of the reasons I wanted to be a SAHM after they were born, to devote my "free" time to them. I was one of the first of my group to have kids, which changed my social circle dramatically. Then dh and I moved away, and I was truly alone. Still, I never felt lonely.
The older my kids got and the more activities they belonged too, the more moms I met and naturally there were some who I have become close too. My social circle is still relatively small, but I prefer quality not quantity when it comes to friendships.
I think for any SAHP feeling that way, it can and often does change.
 
I saw this on Facebook, and thought it would be very appropriate in this thread. Source https://www.facebook.com/thenonperfectparentsclub/

Say bye to my husband as he goes out to work. Take the eldest to school. Just me and the 2 year old again. Alone.

What shall we do today? All alone.
Farm? Soft play? The park? Just us. I wonder if anyone fancies a brew?! But who is there to call?
I’ll just do some jobs, have a brew. What time is it? Shall we head out and get back for dinner? Where shall we go? Just us.

The loneliness creeps in. Should I ring my husband? No he’s busy at work, I mustn’t disturb him. Who shall I message?
I’ll just scroll Facebook and maybe the gram. See if anyone’s about.
Should I message that mum from school? No she’ll be busy. You only know her to chat to, will she even want a brew?

We play some games. Read a book. Shall we watch some telly? I’ll just scroll Facebook again... get some contact with the world. Something other than these 4 walls.

Now it’s dinner time. Maybe someone will be around after school?

Hi are you in this aft? x
No sorry.
Ok x
Why what’s up?
Nothing (not strictly true), was just seeing if you were free for a brew. x
No I’m not sorry.

Hi what you up2?
Just in town.
Ahh ok.
Why?
Just seeing if you were in and fancied a brew.

Are you home?
No I’m at work.

It’s just me, the toddler and these 4 walls today. There’s always tomorrow.
No-one messages, maybe it’s me. Maybe no-one wants to meet us. It’s ok. I’m ok. No adult company today. The loneliness is creeping in.
We pick the eldest up from school. If I’m lucky there might be a parent about for a chat. Only I can’t hold a full conversation as the youngest is clinging off me, running about. I need to keep my eye on her.

We go home and there’s now 2 little voices to contend with.
By the time my husband gets home from work, we’re eating tea. He joins us. We chat about nothing much. I’m exhausted.
Exhausted from being lonely.
There’s always tomorrow for some company.

The days blur. The loneliness sinks in. So much so that even after you’ve had company, you still feel lonely.
You stop asking if people are free. You stick to the 4 walls, your kids and your brew.
It’s the loneliness that numbs my brain. Does it numb anyone else’s? No conversations to make me think, to make my brain whir.

I forget how to interact with people. I can’t make new friends. The ones I’ve got don’t have time to meet up, why would anybody new? It’s ok. I’m ok.

The loneliness sinks deeper into my skin.
There’s always tomorrow.

I feel bad for that two year old
 
You could try to find a group with similar interests on Meetup.com (meet at a public location) or through the library or parks and rec dept. Take a class at a community college, join a gym and take yoga or Zumba. Give it time, and see if people want to get coffee one day. See if you connect with anyone. You could also volunteer somewhere. Remember that others might feel shy and are waiting for you to make the "first move," so to speak.
 

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