Bridesmaid advice

[MickeyMouseCD524]

So I really don't want any of his family as my bridesmaids. I'm not a fan of his family and I really don't want the drama that comes with his sisters and mother. My family are not any of his groomsmen, but his mother is making a big stink about it and basically trash talking me to other family members and telling people not to come to the wedding because I haven't asked any of his family members to be my bridesmaids or asked his niece to be a flower girl. I offered to make his sister in law one of the bridesmaids because she's not crazy and won't make a fuss, but he said that would make the situation worse. My four friends and my sister are my bridesmaids and I have 4 godkids 3 of which are girls that will be flower girls or junior bridesmaids. I really don't think it's necessary that they have a "part" in the wedding since my family is on my side and his is on his. Any advice on how to handle this? I really don't want to spend the money on them especially with her nonsense going on.

 

[siren0119]

Ultimately it is your wedding. And your bridal party is the people YOU have chosen to stand with you. It is 100% not required or necessary for you to include members of his family in your side of the bridal party, unless you are actually close with them and it's a choice made because you want it.

There are going to be family members that try to impose their will on you - make sure you and your hubby to be are on the same page and be united in any decisions that you make, and that will really be the only thing that matters. Allowing your future MIL to dictate things like this now just opens the door for her to do the same later (with other big decisions you both make, with children, etc). You don't have to be mean or disrespectful, but it does need to be clear that you as a couple have made a decision and you are sticking with it.

 

[FSU Girl]

Just know once you marry him they become your family too. It sounds like there is a lot of drama with them and you, and you are not obligated to have any of them as a bridesmaid. You already have plenty, I had 5 and felt like it was a lot and they come with drama and I get along with them all great. How many groomsmen does your husband have? If it's the same number as your current bridesmaid count you can say you want numbers to be even so it doesn't look odd. Have your future husband step in and try and smooth things over.

 

[OpieDoodle]

I have a pretty similar situation, personally I had his sister as a bridesmaid, I did not have his sister in law. Prior to our wedding it was a pretty bumpy road between his family and I. We both ended up having all of our siblings in the wedding party which honestly looking back was a great thing, we both did not include sibling-in-laws. I've been married 6 years now and I only actually even have contact with ONE of my bridesmaids anymore. Any guess as to which one? His sister! So just remember you may be frustrated now but down the road things may be much better off and you may wish you had included them.

It is your wedding tho, if you don't want to put family in it then don't! Do what makes you happy! I definitely wouldn't pick and choose family members tho because in my opinion that will likely hurt feelings and make the drama worst.

I will also say, please ask his niece to be a flower girl. Having extra little girls will not hurt but I can promise it will make them feel amazing. My dream wedding I only wanted 1 flower girl, my niece. I had been planning it forever as my niece came into our lives in a bit of an unexpected way. I think my husband's niece would have been CRUSHED if she wasn't in the wedding. The kids don't understand the family politics.

I may be a little off in my thinking but I just would never want to hurt a child's feelings. Adults that deserve it? Yup no problem. But an extra flower girl means more flowers and giggles <3 My two little flower girls were so excited throwing rose petals around.

 

[MickeyMouseCD524]

Ultimately it is your wedding. And your bridal party is the people YOU have chosen to stand with you. It is 100% not required or necessary for you to include members of his family in your side of the bridal party, unless you are actually close with them and it's a choice made because you want it.

There are going to be family members that try to impose their will on you - make sure you and your hubby to be are on the same page and be united in any decisions that you make, and that will really be the only thing that matters. Allowing your future MIL to dictate things like this now just opens the door for her to do the same later (with other big decisions you both make, with children, etc). You don't have to be mean or disrespectful, but it does need to be clear that you as a couple have made a decision and you are sticking with it.

I'm trying to be as civil as humanely possible but she's making it exceptionally difficult with the the way she keeps talking about me to my face and behind my back. I appreciate your input I'm glad I'm not crazy.

Just know once you marry him they become your family too. It sounds like there is a lot of drama with them and you, and you are not obligated to have any of them as a bridesmaid. You already have plenty, I had 5 and felt like it was a lot and they come with drama and I get along with them all great. How many groomsmen does your husband have? If it's the same number as your current bridesmaid count you can say you want numbers to be even so it doesn't look odd. Have your future husband step in and try and smooth things over.

With the exception of the kids it's currently even. He's tried stepping in but she just keeps telling him I'm a horrible person because I won't let his sisters in the wedding party, and we shouldn't be together because I'm "causing their family to fall apart" which is plain silly. It's just a lot of money that we're already spending, and I just don't think I should be spending it on people who haven't liked me from the beginning because I'm "not Italian" and "people like them don't work well with people like me". If they don't support the idea of us then why should they stand with us on our wedding day you know?

I have a pretty similar situation, personally I had his sister as a bridesmaid, I did not have his sister in law. Prior to our wedding it was a pretty bumpy road between his family and I. We both ended up having all of our siblings in the wedding party which honestly looking back was a great thing, we both did not include sibling-in-laws. I've been married 6 years now and I only actually even have contact with ONE of my bridesmaids anymore. Any guess as to which one? His sister! So just remember you may be frustrated now but down the road things may be much better off and you may wish you had included them.

It is your wedding tho, if you don't want to put family in it then don't! Do what makes you happy! I definitely wouldn't pick and choose family members tho because in my opinion that will likely hurt feelings and make the drama worst.

I will also say, please ask his niece to be a flower girl. Having extra little girls will not hurt but I can promise it will make them feel amazing. My dream wedding I only wanted 1 flower girl, my niece. I had been planning it forever as my niece came into our lives in a bit of an unexpected way. I think my husband's niece would have been CRUSHED if she wasn't in the wedding. The kids don't understand the family politics.

I may be a little off in my thinking but I just would never want to hurt a child's feelings. Adults that deserve it? Yup no problem. But an extra flower girl means more flowers and giggles <3 My two little flower girls were so excited throwing rose petals around.

Oh I completely get what you're saying about his niece and I feel terrible about not asking her to be in it. But when we had the conversation about asking the kids and people from my side vs. his, his mother had a lot to say about us putting my godson in the wedding because it would "distract from his baby nephew" and that's sort of how we came to the conclusion of "ok you pick the boys I pick the girls".

To give some more context on them. His mother and sisters are notorious for stirring up drama. His mother forced past nurses into the delivery room while his poor sister in law was in labor after it was stated that she didn't want anyone but her husband near the hospital. His one sister literally just makes stuff up, like how I refused to come to his nieces first communion because they weren't having a party for her. I wasn't invited. I sent a gift but no one invited me and I'm not the kind of person that just shows up because I was always taught that's rude. And the other does nothing but complain. If the dress is green, she'll want it to be blue, if it's blue she wants it to be pink. You can't make the girl happy.

 

[MickeyMouseCD524]

Sorry that was a lot of ranting

 

[Karin1984]

It's not going to be fun, but stand up for what you and your husband to be want now, otherwise it's going to be the standard for your marriage more often than you'd like.
Don't tell her that the wedding is expensive enough as it is, before you know it she (/other relatives) are going to give you money to make it work and then you still have a problem.

As soon as the subject comes up, a firm, but polite (with as little emotion as you can) 'Thank you for your input, but we have made our decision on this.' And then change the subject. Keep repeating it like a broken gramophone till it sinks in.

Good luck!

 

[siren0119]

I'm trying to be as civil as humanely possible but she's making it exceptionally difficult with the the way she keeps talking about me to my face and behind my back. I appreciate your input I'm glad I'm not crazy.



With the exception of the kids it's currently even. He's tried stepping in but she just keeps telling him I'm a horrible person because I won't let his sisters in the wedding party, and we shouldn't be together because I'm "causing their family to fall apart" which is plain silly. It's just a lot of money that we're already spending, and I just don't think I should be spending it on people who haven't liked me from the beginning because I'm "not Italian" and "people like them don't work well with people like me". If they don't support the idea of us then why should they stand with us on our wedding day you know?



Oh I completely get what you're saying about his niece and I feel terrible about not asking her to be in it. But when we had the conversation about asking the kids and people from my side vs. his, his mother had a lot to say about us putting my godson in the wedding because it would "distract from his baby nephew" and that's sort of how we came to the conclusion of "ok you pick the boys I pick the girls".

To give some more context on them. His mother and sisters are notorious for stirring up drama. His mother forced past nurses into the delivery room while his poor sister in law was in labor after it was stated that she didn't want anyone but her husband near the hospital. His one sister literally just makes stuff up, like how I refused to come to his nieces first communion because they weren't having a party for her. I wasn't invited. I sent a gift but no one invited me and I'm not the kind of person that just shows up because I was always taught that's rude. And the other does nothing but complain. If the dress is green, she'll want it to be blue, if it's blue she wants it to be pink. You can't make the girl happy.

Based on what you said - these are people who are going to look for reasons to disrupt and contradict you, no matter what you do. Folks like that don't relax once you give in - they lean in and press harder - so giving her what she wants now is literally going to open the floodgates for her to do more of this down the line.

Maybe she doesn't like the idea of her boy not being under her wing anymore. Maybe she's overprotective of her family but it comes from a good place. Maybe she's got destructive intent. Regardless of WHY she's doing it, the MOST important thing you can do is make sure you and HTB are communicating and that you are united in your decisions (which it sounds like you are). As long as you are both making it clear that you are on the same page and will follow through with your plans, she will have a harder time finding a way to wedge into them.

I hope you find a way (someday) to get through to her and connect with her - having in-laws you struggle with is hard! My first marriage ended for MANY reasons, but the fact that his mom was a meddler who liked to manipulate didn't help matters (we had to put locking doorknobs on our bedroom doors because she would go through our stuff when she babysat, then had the gall to ask why our room was locked, just one small example!). My MIL now is amazing, and has treated me like part of the family from the beginning - with so many other things to stress about, it's kinda nice to know she's working FOR me not against me.

Good luck!

 

[MickeyMouseCD524]

Based on what you said - these are people who are going to look for reasons to disrupt and contradict you, no matter what you do. Folks like that don't relax once you give in - they lean in and press harder - so giving her what she wants now is literally going to open the floodgates for her to do more of this down the line.

Maybe she doesn't like the idea of her boy not being under her wing anymore. Maybe she's overprotective of her family but it comes from a good place. Maybe she's got destructive intent. Regardless of WHY she's doing it, the MOST important thing you can do is make sure you and HTB are communicating and that you are united in your decisions (which it sounds like you are). As long as you are both making it clear that you are on the same page and will follow through with your plans, she will have a harder time finding a way to wedge into them.

I hope you find a way (someday) to get through to her and connect with her - having in-laws you struggle with is hard! My first marriage ended for MANY reasons, but the fact that his mom was a meddler who liked to manipulate didn't help matters (we had to put locking doorknobs on our bedroom doors because she would go through our stuff when she babysat, then had the gall to ask why our room was locked, just one small example!). My MIL now is amazing, and has treated me like part of the family from the beginning - with so many other things to stress about, it's kinda nice to know she's working FOR me not against me.

Good luck!

Thank you! I just know if I cave it's going to turn into her planning my wedding and I don't need that. I appreciate the advice. Hopefully it all dies down soon enough.

 

[HopperFan]

For reference been married almost 40 years, and yes MIL tried to force a daughter in my wedding. I didn't like the daughter and still don't but loved my MIL. Originally she would try to commit us to things (aka tribal dinners) and it was a long process but it all settled once I was firm that we make our own decisions. Now my MIL was only trying to keep her family "tight" but you have to let young people grow as couple. I understand your frustration.

Your situation sounds so much more intense, which means you have to be much more diligent. Do not let her bully you to do this, as others pointed out this will be just the beginning. She will assume she can always get her way, tell your family what to do and try to run your family.

It's going to be tough, but you need to turn a deaf ear, let it all roll down your back and each time she brings it up .... either change the conversation or get up and go do something else ... all with a smile. Been there, done that ......... she is picking a fight with you ~ don't take the bait. Once more relatives and others see you smiling, being sweet, sharing things (only what you want), engaging them etc. they will have their own opinion of you. By being the bigger person, she will look like the smaller person.

Set the rules now, whether about the wedding, whether about attending events, whether about your home & home rules and for sure if kids come along it is so important to set your own family rules. Key is to be quiet about your plans .. wedding, home, vacation, shopping .... and share after the facts are set. Any info they have, they will use. She/they need to understand you are adults and make your own choices. In time they will adjust to not butting in, and she will likely move on to another family member who lets her bully.

Remember this is YOUR wedding
and the only people really needed
are a Bride, Groom & Officiant.
The rest are props.
You get to choose, no one else.

 

[cedricandsophie]

You do know it’s not going to get better once you’re married? And if your fiancé can’t put his foot down and tell her to cease and desist now, he’s probably not going to do it after you’re married. It seems to me that this is a foreshadowing of your future with this family. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. It wouldn’t be for me.

 

[MickeyMouseCD524]

For reference been married almost 40 years, and yes MIL tried to force a daughter in my wedding. I didn't like the daughter and still don't but loved my MIL. Originally she would try to commit us to things (aka tribal dinners) and it was a long process but it all settled once I was firm that we make our own decisions. Now my MIL was only trying to keep her family "tight" but you have to let young people grow as couple. I understand your frustration.

Your situation sounds so much more intense, which means you have to be much more diligent. Do not let her bully you to do this, as others pointed out this will be just the beginning. She will assume she can always get her way, tell your family what to do and try to run your family.

It's going to be tough, but you need to turn a deaf ear, let it all roll down your back and each time she brings it up .... either change the conversation or get up and go do something else ... all with a smile. Been there, done that ......... she is picking a fight with you ~ don't take the bait. Once more relatives and others see you smiling, being sweet, sharing things (only what you want), engaging them etc. they will have their own opinion of you. By being the bigger person, she will look like the smaller person.

Set the rules now, whether about the wedding, whether about attending events, whether about your home & home rules and for sure if kids come along it is so important to set your own family rules. Key is to be quiet about your plans .. wedding, home, vacation, shopping .... and share after the facts are set. Any info they have, they will use. She/they need to understand you are adults and make your own choices. In time they will adjust to not butting in, and she will likely move on to another family member who lets her bully.

Remember this is YOUR wedding
and the only people really needed
are a Bride, Groom & Officiant.
The rest are props.
You get to choose, no one else.

Thank you!

You do know it’s not going to get better once you’re married? And if your fiancé can’t put his foot down and tell her to cease and desist now, he’s probably not going to do it after you’re married. It seems to me that this is a foreshadowing of your future with this family. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. It wouldn’t be for me.

Oh she's been told by him and his brother to stop she just refuses to.

 

[Melissa Perez]

Hopefully this thread shows you wedding drama is the norm (lol). I think something about wedding planning just makes everyone think they are entitled to an opinion, I swear! What I learned:
1. Know what you want - sharks can smell blood and people can smell fear. You need to be sure of what you want and once you share that you don't falter from it. Once you make your choice and make it known, if she continues to bad mouth you, it's her that looks immature.
2. You and your fiance need to be a united front. "This is what WE want, what WE decided, etc" - because it is YOUR day
3. Weigh the pros and cons, give and take - if you can make a small concession, then it shows you are willing to work with her, but that it is ultimately your day

Good luck - i promise you my favorite day was the day AFTER our wedding when we left for the honeymoon!

 

[OpieDoodle]

Yeah I guess I should also say wedding drama is most certainly normal! I had my fair share of shenanigans of people going out of their way to force changes on me (like even after I left decorating the reception area to get dressed for the wedding people came through after me and changed my centerpieces and such for example)

I'd just try to step back, you both should sit down and determine who is important in BOTH of your lives for your wedding party. Don't think of it as sides. Pushy inlaws will stay pushy inlaws, don't do things for them. Maybe sit down and just talk it out with your fiance, become a united front in the decision.

With my wedding for example, my husband's niece was probably more important to him than his best man being in the wedding same with my nephew being in the wedding. So we both compromised with each other only on what WE WANTED for our wedding. Once you two really sit down and talk out all the key people and maybe bring up some of these "question" people and see what his honest feeling is. The key to pushy in laws is 100% being on the same page with your fiance. Good luck! Just remember the day is for YOU AND HIM not your inlaws, not your parents, etc