Childless By Choice

[LSUmiss]

I don’t know specifically what you think of as sacrifices, but in any case I don’t think it’s selfish for someone to recognize they’re content with their life the way it is and not wish to change that. I mean, I don’t want to own a horse; does that make me selfish? Sure, some people love them but I just have no interest in taking on that responsibility and I don’t think I’m selfish for not wanting to bring a horse into my life. Nor do I wish to run a marathon, build a treehouse, buy a sports car.... There’s lots of things I’m perfectly happy abstaining from and I’d have a hard time believing I’m selfish for wanting to continue living my life without them. People aren’t selfish for being happy with their child-free lives.

All I’m saying is that I have been in both camps. I thought I wanted to remain child free. That didn’t change until I was 39 & became pregnant. While it wasn’t really an accident per se, it was somewhat unexpected. Looking back, the reasons I wanted to remain child-free were b/c I didn’t think I wanted to be bothered with doing what needed to be done to properly care for a child. I was content only having to worry about myself & what I wanted to do. I don’t think it was selfish to not want a child. But, the reason I didn’t want one was b/c I didn’t think I was capable of being selfless to be a decent parent. So, I guess o feel in a way, I thought I was too selfish to want one. And for some ppl that will never change & it’s great if you recognize your limitations. Like a lot of ppl have mentioned, I have seen some pretty terrible parenting in my line of work. Now that I have DS, I don’t do nearly as many of the things that I did before that I thought made me content. But, I don’t miss them at all. Being with & caring for DS is the most rewarding experience I have ever had. Nothing else compares (for me). This has just been my experience. Everyone is different.

 

[BrianL]

One of my close friends adopted over 20 years ago now, and at the time, it cost $30K for the first adoption, plus costs for international travel, and then they adopted a second child (and I don't know what the costs were). Thankfully her parents helped them out. Not everyone has that kind of money, though. I've also been surprised at the number of people who say they don't want to adopt at all. We were about to start the process ourselves when we became pregnant. I went through a little grieving process for the child I was beginning to love the thought of already. My sister and I used to kid, "Who's to say our genes are better than anyone else's?" when we were thinking it through. I had another friend who reminded me that you could have a perfectly healthy child who becomes sick or injured somewhere along the line (God forbid), too. When you decide to have children, there really are no guarantees. Fortunately for most, that bond of love is very strong, so as parents, we're willing to love our children almost unconditionally once we bond, and as I've said here, that bond can begin long before the actual birth or adoption!

Certainly the adoption system as it currently is needs to be addressed as I know it can be quite costly and that there are sadly a lot of scams and other legal issues as well. I still support the notion though and really respect those willing to do it. I also know many people who are flat against the idea. I know that's biological too as passing on one's genes is one of those hard-coded things, but to me it just doesn't matter.

 

[GrnMtnMan]

Now that I have DS, I don’t do nearly as many of the things that I did before that I thought made me content. But, I don’t miss them at all. Being with & caring for DS is the most rewarding experience I have ever had. Nothing else compares (for me).

I'll echo this sentiment. And I think these feelings are shared by most parents. Definitely not all, but most.

 

[Farro]

Amused at the turn this thread has taken.

Happy summer everybody!

 

[smiths02]

Society has these rules you are supposed to follow:

You are single. You are constantly asked when you will date someone

You date someone. You are constantly asked when you will get married

You get married. You are constantly asked when you will have kids

You have a child. You are constantly asked when you will have a second child

You have a second child. Congratulations!!! You have fulfilled your duty. You have won at life (bonus points if you have a boy AND a girl!). The intrusive questions stop!! Yay!

BTW if you get stuck at any of these levels, the questions will not stop unless you age out or die.

If you have 3, they don't stop.
If you have twins, they don't stop.
If you have 2 boys or 2 girls, then people are rude.

The only solution is a boy, then a girl or a girl then a boy.

 

[RedAngie]

I have two daughters and got my tubes tied after the second. ExH and I agreed before we knew the gender of the second that we were finished having kids. But I still got the "don't you want to give your husband a boy?" or "you owe it to him to have a boy" remarks. Oy.

 

[mjkacmom]

If you have 3, they don't stop.
If you have twins, they don't stop.
If you have 2 boys or 2 girls, then people are rude.

The only solution is a boy, then a girl or a girl then a boy.

And if you have a girl-boy-girl-boy-girl, you will be asked, over and over, if you know what is causing all of your pregnancies.

 

[BLAZEY]

I am mother, but I also have an awesome Aunt and Uncle who are childless by choice. My Aunt is the oldest of 7 and helped raise her siblings. When she was a teenager she knew she was done and being a mother wasn't for her. She LOVES being an Aunt, and now a Great Aunt to all our kids. My Uncle would have loved to have kids, but her loved my Aunt more and respected her decision. Personally I think it demeaning to women who choose to be childless to say that they will change their minds or they don't know what they are missing. Many very well DO know what they are missing and truly want no part of it. I would rather a person who truly doesn't want to be a parent, not be one, rather than cave to pressure from family or have to constantly defend their reasons.

 

[skyblue17]

I feel badly for people who have children because it is expected of them and they are supposed to. And I feel badly for their children! It certainly happens, probably more than we think. Some might come around and realize they enjoy being parents, and some simply might never really enjoy it. If you can know, before you have children, that you do not want to have them, all the more power to you. Not everything is for everyone. You can opt, at some point, to adopt or become a foster parent if you regret not having kids while your window to do so was open. Reversing in the other direction is harder, and more harmful.

Anyway. I say this as someone who thought I'd want kids when I was one myself and pretty solidly realized that was no longer the case, for a variety of reasons, as I grew older. I'll take visiting with the kids of my friends and getting to check out when I'm over it, thanks so much!

 

[cabanafrau]

I feel badly for people who have children because it is expected of them and they are supposed to. And I feel badly for their children! It certainly happens, probably more than we think. Some might come around and realize they enjoy being parents, and some simply might never really enjoy it. If you can know, before you have children, that you do not want to have them, all the more power to you. Not everything is for everyone. You can opt, at some point, to adopt or become a foster parent if you regret not having kids while your window to do so was open. Reversing in the other direction is harder, and more harmful.

Anyway. I say this as someone who thought I'd want kids when I was one myself and pretty solidly realized that was no longer the case, for a variety of reasons, as I grew older. I'll take visiting with the kids of my friends and getting to check out when I'm over it, thanks so much!

I feel especially bad for their children, not so much for the adult parent who had the power to make the decision. It's absolutely not wrong for someone to decide they don't want to be a parent and living their life without having children.

 

[Kitty 34]

Amused at the turn this thread has taken.

Happy summer everybody!

You, too.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

And if you have a girl-boy-girl-boy-girl, you will be asked, over and over, if you know what is causing all of your pregnancies.

I’m sorry that made me laugh
“I thought it was something in the water”

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I have boy/girl twins and many people ask if I want any more. No...I’ve reached my max output in one shot. I’m an overachiever.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

The way the term is being used here is in the context that people choose to have kids because they want them. Of course raising and nurturing kids, when done properly, is all about putting their needs before your own - nobody says otherwise. But the initial decision to have them (if it is made purposefully) is all about the desires of the parents. Creating a family (regardless of how the children come into it) is as much a lifestyle choice as anything else.

As many have said, they always knew they wanted children; had a strong desire to have them. I doubt very many people are doing it with a clear objective of bettering society or for the good of the species, or even for the sake of the yet-to-exist new human being. It’s about you/me/they wanting children. For ourselves and to have the kind of life we desire.

I don't think it's that simple. As I said previously, this is not the case for everyone. When pregnancy is a total surprise, you have one of two choices to make. My choice was the right one, but it wasn't the selfish one.

I do agree that that the vast majority of people don't do it for the good of the species.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Good luck!


I disagree. Not wanting to wreck my body, both in the attractive-figure sense and in regards to the physical and medical issues that can occur as a result of pregnancy/delivery, was concern #1 for me when I considered having a child. I liked the body I had, both in appearance and health, and I didn’t want to lose it. That might be a selfish thought, but no worse than thinking “I like my financial status, I don’t want to be poor” or “I like my house, I don’t want to lose it in a fire.” Technically speaking, self-preservation is selfish. But it’s also just good sense and not something to be viewed negatively.

At the same time, I don’t consider motherhood to be a sacrifice. My son brings added value to my life, not “millions of sacrifices.” And I still care what my body looks like.


The dad bod thing took off a few years ago. Men were suddenly being celebrated for having less fit, flabbier physiques. Women, not so much.
View attachment 400476


Every single person who chooses to bring a child into this world is doing so for reasons that fulfill some desire within themselves. It is for *their* benefit. They want to have a family, they want to experience the parent-child relationship, they want someone to take care of them in old age, they want to continue the family line.... Is there any reason* for having a child that doesn’t begin with “I want”?

*I’m not referring to women who aren’t given the freedom to make their own reproductive choices. That’s an entirely different topic.

The only Dad bod I find attractive is my DH's.

I totally disagree that everyone who has a child does it for their benefit. I think a lot of people are projecting their feelings on others. Like me, some people have a child that is the best thing that ever happened to them, but it wasn't their plan. The night before I had my son I cried to my Mom worrying that I would be the worst Mom ever. I was terrified, when I was admitted into the hospital. After he was born, I was miraculously a totally different person. In a 24 hour period I changed from being all about me to being all about him.

OP, I'm sorry that I contributed to taking this thread totally off the rails. One poster hit a nerve. She couldn't be more wrong about many parents.

Once again, I will reiterate that I think the decision for anyone to have children is their decision alone. I would never try to press anyone to have kids, including my own son. It's a very personal decision that's none of my business.

 

[SirDuff]

I don't think it's that simple. As I said previously, this is not the case for everyone. When pregnancy is a total surprise, you have one of two choices to make. My choice was the right one, but it wasn't the selfish one.

I do agree that that the vast majority of people don't do it for the good of the species.

For you.

 

[DoraBA]

Don't forget that if you have a third child, people ask if you are done, yet. If you have a fourth, they ask if you have figured out how how babies are made and heaven forbid if you have a fifth or "gasp" a 6th, they wonder if you need to be committed. Sometimes you just can't win.

Or if you have 3 boys, hearing 1000 times that you should now be trying for a girl. Seriously, if I had a penny...

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I don't think it's that simple. As I said previously, this is not the case for everyone. When pregnancy is a total surprise, you have one of two choices to make. My choice was the right one, but it wasn't the selfish one.

I do agree that that the vast majority of people don't do it for the good of the species.

Three choices: keep, terminate, place for adoption. You chose the option with which you were most comfortable.

The only Dad bod I find attractive is my DH's.

I totally disagree that everyone who has a child does it for their benefit. I think a lot of people are projecting their feelings on others. Like me, some people have a child that is the best thing that ever happened to them, but it wasn't their plan. The night before I had my son I cried to my Mom worrying that I would be the worst Mom ever. I was terrified, when I was admitted into the hospital. After he was born, I was miraculously a totally different person. In a 24 hour period I changed from being all about me to being all about him.

OP, I'm sorry that I contributed to taking this thread totally off the rails. One poster hit a nerve. She couldn't be more wrong about many parents.

Once again, I will reiterate that I think the decision for anyone to have children is their decision alone. I would never try to press anyone to have kids, including my own son. It's a very personal decision that's none of my business.

If you were worried to the point of tears that you wouldn’t be a good mom to your son then you weren’t “all about me” prior to his birth.

 

[LSUmiss]

The only Dad bod I find attractive is my DH's.

I totally disagree that everyone who has a child does it for their benefit. I think a lot of people are projecting their feelings on others. Like me, some people have a child that is the best thing that ever happened to them, but it wasn't their plan. The night before I had my son I cried to my Mom worrying that I would be the worst Mom ever. I was terrified, when I was admitted into the hospital. After he was born, I was miraculously a totally different person. In a 24 hour period I changed from being all about me to being all about him.

OP, I'm sorry that I contributed to taking this thread totally off the rails. One poster hit a nerve. She couldn't be more wrong about many parents.

Once again, I will reiterate that I think the decision for anyone to have children is their decision alone. I would never try to press anyone to have kids, including my own son. It's a very personal decision that's none of my business.

I was the same way. When I first found out I was pregnant I was thinking what have I done?!! I was nervous the whole pregnancy about what kind of parent I would be & worried how I would feel about giving up so much. But like you said, it was almost a miraculous transformation within a few hours of his birth. I truly can’t believe how differently I felt. While I logically know ppl have different strengths, limitations, & resources, now I just can’t comprehend some of the terrible things some of the mothers I have seen in my career have done. As far as giving up things, I can’t believe how easily those things became. 2 days after DS was born, it became obvious he had a birth defect that required an emergency transfer to the children’s hospital’s NICU. He had surgery 3 days after that. I had a c-section & made my dr d/c me a day early so that I go to the hospital with him. DH & I sat at his bedside every day around the clock with basically no sleep & barely eating the whole time he was there without even a thought. I look back & think how funny it is now that I was worried if I would be willing to make necessary sacrifices. But, I also get that it’s scary to not know if you’re capable of something until you actually have to do it.

 

[Klayfish]

I have boy/girl twins and many people ask if I want any more. No...I’ve reached my max output in one shot. I’m an overachiever.

Oh, how I can empathize....

We had our oldest son first. A few years later we both agreed we wanted one more. No twins in our families, anywhere. No fertility drugs. When the home test came back positive, we went to the doctor (obviously didn't know we were having twins then) who ordered routine blood work to confirm the pregnancy test reading. He called right away and said "We need you to go for an ultrasound right away", but he wouldn't tell us why. Of course we were concerned. We went for the ultrasound and the technician spoke very limited English, she was Asian. All she said was "uh oh". She turned the machine off and back on, because there were two dots with a line in between. Machine comes back on, same results. By this time, DW is totally confused because she couldn't see the machine...it was behind her head. The technician simply said "I think twins". I think I did a literal . The doctor said he had a strong feeling based on the blood work results. Well, surprise, surprise...two for one sale. We were dumbfounded and scared, but now I can't imagine life without three kids, including a set of twins.

Since they were born, we've had the same joke countless times of "Do you want any more?" DW gave many people the stink eye.

When they were infants, how many times did people ask you "Are they twins?" I can't tell you how many times we had it. I never did, but I always wanted to laugh and say "Well, let's see....do the math here..."