Childless By Choice

People are judged and pressured by others about a myriad of things every day -- where they work/chosen career, how they spend their time, how they spend their money, whether they should worship/where and how they should worship, where they go on vacation, where they live, what they wear, what they eat/don't eat, whether they choose to marry/not marry, etc., etc. Having children or not isn't any different in that regard.

By the same token many people are indifferent to whether someone else chooses to have children or not.

This. Some people (cough, cough! MIL!) think the only way to be is to have 2 children. Not 0,1,3, or any other number. 2. Bonus points if you have the elusive "one of each", because God forbid you be happy with, say, three girls. Until the day she died, she never forgave DH for being her second boy--he was supposed to be her "Wendy". She also never forgave me for--gasp! having 2 more when I'd hit the family lottery and had, you guessed it, one of each. Interestingly, BIL had 3 girls, but I think MIL justified it by thinking he was trying for a boy. Funny thing is, if you asked BIL, he'd tell you--if he had a 4th, he would have wanted a girl. He was so used to doing tea parties and Girl Scouts and just generally having a house full of girls--he's crazy about his daughters.

I always thought MIL was this way because her own mother had one of each. But then her brother's son had 8 (!!!). Nice kids, but things were a little chaotic when they came to visit one weekend. We'd have them back in a heartbeat, though.

As to anyone else's family choices--go for it. So long as you're happy with your choices and can support the kids you have, have 1. Have 6. Have 0. Have 12--I don't care. Take every legal tax break, drive a bus, whatever. Or enjoy your carefree, childless life, traveling or clubbing or whatever works for you.
 
We are 48 and never had kids. Will be married 23 years in October of this year. We figured we would have them, but as time passed we loved our life as it was.

My parents lost a baby at a month old from heart issues, and my husband's parents lost two children. One was severely sick, the other died in a car accident. To us it was such a crapshoot if everything would be ok.

I honestly think it is cruel to bring a child into this world. Iove the book Better to Have Never Been because I agree with a lot of it. I have a happy life, most do not.
 
We are 48 and never had kids. Will be married 23 years in October of this year. We figured we would have them, but as time passed we loved our life as it was.

My parents lost a baby at a month old from heart issues, and my husband's parents lost two children. One was severely sick, the other died in a car accident. To us it was such a crapshoot if everything would be ok.

I honestly think it is cruel to bring a child into this world. Iove the book Better to Have Never Been because I agree with a lot of it. I have a happy life, most do not.

It was cruel to bring you into this world to experience this happy life you love? I'm guessing same for your husband, who by your account loves his life as it is?
 
We have had a lot of crap happen in our lives too. We worked hard to have a happy life. I see so much sadness, depression, bullying, gun violence towards children, hate, pollution, money issues, drug issues, climate problems, etc. now- I can't imagine being a child in this world. And that is just the rich US!
 


We have had a lot of crap happen in our lives too. We worked hard to have a happy life. I see so much sadness, depression, bullying, gun violence towards children, hate, pollution, money issues, drug issues, climate problems, etc. now- I can't imagine being a child in this world. And that is just the rich US!

Money doesn't buy happiness.

You say you've worked hard to have a happy life and you've seen a lot of misery. Have you worked to improve the world for others, or are you just focused on your own happiness? Have you never noticed others doing acts of kindness for others, large and small? Are you unaware that there are a lot of other people all around the world working hard to improve conditions for others?
 
I will say this, as someone who has not had kids (though I've also never had a real opportunity to even consider it), with no judgement toward those who feel and act differently.

Overpopulation is one of the biggest issues facing society and our planet. The number of humans has skyrocketed on this planet and it is a strain on resources. I'm not saying Thanos was right, but he had a point. Of course, birth rates can't drop to zero, so there is still plenty of reason for people to have children and, for most, I believe that they want to. It is a biological imperative for most living things. Certainly, nobody "owes it to society" to procreate as there will always be those who do. I do not think choosing not to have children is selfish, and really most people do have children for selfish reasons - not that there's anything wrong with that. Still, most people "want kids" because they themselves want them, not for any higher purpose. Of course, for most, raising the kids becomes selfless as most parents I know would sacrifice anything for them.

For me personally, I consider adopting children among one of the most noble things that a person can do. It is something that a lot of people never even consider and so many children need support. I respect those who have done so. Even that can be selfishly motivated, but it is at the same time selfless. I have always said I would prefer this route (though I have again never been in the position). This is something I feel strongly about.

That said, while these points should be considered, I am not proffering them by any means as the only right way to think or act.
 
This. Some people (cough, cough! MIL!) think the only way to be is to have 2 children. Not 0,1,3, or any other number. 2. Bonus points if you have the elusive "one of each", because God forbid you be happy with, say, three girls. Until the day she died, she never forgave DH for being her second boy--he was supposed to be her "Wendy". She also never forgave me for--gasp! having 2 more when I'd hit the family lottery and had, you guessed it, one of each. Interestingly, BIL had 3 girls, but I think MIL justified it by thinking he was trying for a boy. Funny thing is, if you asked BIL, he'd tell you--if he had a 4th, he would have wanted a girl. He was so used to doing tea parties and Girl Scouts and just generally having a house full of girls--he's crazy about his daughters.

I always thought MIL was this way because her own mother had one of each. But then her brother's son had 8 (!!!). Nice kids, but things were a little chaotic when they came to visit one weekend. We'd have them back in a heartbeat, though.

As to anyone else's family choices--go for it. So long as you're happy with your choices and can support the kids you have, have 1. Have 6. Have 0. Have 12--I don't care. Take every legal tax break, drive a bus, whatever. Or enjoy your carefree, childless life, traveling or clubbing or whatever works for you.

When I was pregnant w/ our third, I had a meeting w/ the principal of the school where I was teaching to let her know & to tell her that I wouldn't be returning in the fall.

Her first words to me were, "But why? You have one of each already."

LOL!

When I was pregnant w/ our second & told my mom (who had my sister & me) that the baby was a boy, she said, "Oh, it's a shame it's not a girl. What am I going to do w/ a grandson?"

Almost 18 years later, her reaction still stings a little.

People have children & don't have children for different reasons.

Not having children is no more selfish than having children.

And, sometimes, the most selfless thing is to realize, that due to whatever reason (your health, your job, your finances, your personality, your marriage, your whatever reason) it's maybe better that you don't have a child.
 


Yes actually- ww have both volunteered regularly since we were
in grade school! Literacy program, tutoring for GEDs, homeless shelters, soup kitchen, visiting elderly (their own kids won't visit), hospital visits to terminal kids, Give Kids The World, charity walks and drives, business donations, nature walk leaders for local Greenbelt, animal shelters, etc . 15 years of Catholic School here.

Most recently we volunteered at The Disney Wilderness Preserve for 6 months for The Nature Conservancy.
We are semi retired. We worked for Yellowstone's non profit last summer.
 
...The dad bod thing took off a few years ago. Men were suddenly being celebrated for having less fit, flabbier physiques. Women, not so much. :rolleyes:
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Every single person who chooses to bring a child into this world is doing so for reasons that fulfill some desire within themselves. It is for *their* benefit. They want to have a family, they want to experience the parent-child relationship, they want someone to take care of them in old age, they want to continue the family line.... Is there any reason* for having a child that doesn’t begin with “I want”?

*I’m not referring to women who aren’t given the freedom to make their own reproductive choices. That’s an entirely different topic.
:rolleyes1 IDK, my eyes aren't burning from having to look at Jon Hamm and Seth Rogan may actually be pregnant himself in that picture so also probably not a fair example. :rotfl:
 
I'm childless by choice, but I still feel some longing or regret for not having them so people asking or making impolite comments about it can sting. The desire to actually go through with it just hasn't been there and I've mostly made my peace with it over the last year or two.
 
I'm not childless but I respect people who choose to be. Being a parent is hard. Not everyone is cut out for it and that is okay. Even those who are but don't want to is still okay.

My children have bonus grandparents. They are a childless older couple. They didn't have children on purpose but experienced some regrets much later in life so now they enjoy spending time with kids and doting on them. We love them and I think they love that they only deal with my kids in short spurts on their terms.
 
I am 32 years old. I too don't have children, even though all my cousins do, and my brother. Kind of makes me feel like i'm the odd one out. my family are all in a circle, and i'm standing on the outside.

I just feel left out by my parents make me feel like i'm just $$. Do you know how much it is to raise a child? Do you know how much it is for this?
I see all the positivity towards pregnancy on tv and how parents get so excited about becoming grandparents. but mine are like "yeah... lets see him see how much it is to raise a kid."
which takes all the gosh darn excitement out of it. :(

and then there's the ticking time bomb seeing commercials about "older" females 35+ having kids. I don't even have any friends. friends don't stick around for me so having kids or even a bf is out of the question cause every friendship/relationship has that "temporary" feel to it. :(
 
DH and I were together for 16 years before we had kids. For some of those years, we were on the fence. The last several were fraught with infertility treatments. We know the questions and the heartache, as well as the joy. But pp's are right, even when you have kids, the questions and comments don't stop. As a nurse, I get asked personal questions by people all the time! Do I have kids, where do I live, what does my husband do, how long have I worked here, how much do I make, what am I going to do when I get off shift, you name it. It doesn't really bother me. Last week I also made the mistake of asking a guy if he had kids, and he said no, but jumped in right away to say that he had lots of nieces and nephews that he's close with, so it's all good, etc. In reading this thread, I sort of wish I hadn't asked him now.

Just a couple of random factoids I also thought of as I was reading here:

1) From an evolution standpoint, females were meant to have babies in their teens. Even 20's is older. Thirties and forties are quite a bit out there - from an evolution standpoint. In our society today, it's not unusual to have children in later years, but it's why we have trouble when we wait that long. (And it's not to say that people should have children before they're ready.)

2) I remember reading several years back that the estimate cost in the U.S. for raising a child today, not counting college costs, was $230,000. I'm sure it's gone up by now.
 
So, the only unselfish people are the ones that have kids they don't want. :confused: Not wanting to share attention or gain weight is the epitome of selfishness. Acting like the people who choose to share their life with children are equally selfish is ridiculous. I didn't want to have children & will admit it was for purely selfish reasons. If I hadn't accidentally gotten pregnant, I never would have had my DS. There's nothing wrong with admitting you're selfish, but (a general) you should at least own it. People who can't have kids are a totally different conversation.

FWIW, I came to realize I was wrong. That doesn't mean everyone would feel that way.
This is exactly me. I didn’t want a kid b/c I thought the sacrifices necessary seemed like a giant PITA. I couldn’t comprehend the reward that make these sacrifices so worth it. I’ll also admit that I didn’t see it as selfishness at the time either. But now that DS is here, I see now that it was absolutely selfish reasons that I thought I didn’t want a child. I realize that might not be the case for everyone who chooses to be childless.
 
If I choose to have kids down the line (I haven't decided yet), it will be because I want to have them. How is that not selfish? "Choosing to share your life with kids" is not some wonderful selfless act. I even plan to foster/adopt if I have kids. Not because I want to do some great thing by giving back to society, but because that's what would feel right in my heart and it's what I want to do.
I think it’s once the kid is here that requires selflessness not the decision to have them & that what ppl get confused. Think that’s why not everyone who has kids is that great at parenting. Some ppl are never willing to make the sacrifices they should.
 
:rotfl2: Good luck!


I disagree. Not wanting to wreck my body, both in the attractive-figure sense and in regards to the physical and medical issues that can occur as a result of pregnancy/delivery, was concern #1 for me when I considered having a child. I liked the body I had, both in appearance and health, and I didn’t want to lose it. That might be a selfish thought, but no worse than thinking “I like my financial status, I don’t want to be poor” or “I like my house, I don’t want to lose it in a fire.” Technically speaking, self-preservation is selfish. But it’s also just good sense and not something to be viewed negatively.

At the same time, I don’t consider motherhood to be a sacrifice. My son brings added value to my life, not “millions of sacrifices.” And I still care what my body looks like.


The dad bod thing took off a few years ago. Men were suddenly being celebrated for having less fit, flabbier physiques. Women, not so much. :rolleyes:
View attachment 400476


Every single person who chooses to bring a child into this world is doing so for reasons that fulfill some desire within themselves. It is for *their* benefit. They want to have a family, they want to experience the parent-child relationship, they want someone to take care of them in old age, they want to continue the family line.... Is there any reason* for having a child that doesn’t begin with “I want”?

*I’m not referring to women who aren’t given the freedom to make their own reproductive choices. That’s an entirely different topic.
Absolutely I agree. I never think about them as sacrifices either b/c I would do anything DS needs no matter what. But, they are still things that some ppl aren’t willing to do. Before DS, when I thought about those things they seemed like major sacrifices that I selfishly (at the time) didn’t think I would ever want to do b/c I could not comprehend the reward b/c I had never experienced it.
 
I will say this, as someone who has not had kids (though I've also never had a real opportunity to even consider it), with no judgement toward those who feel and act differently.

Overpopulation is one of the biggest issues facing society and our planet. The number of humans has skyrocketed on this planet and it is a strain on resources. I'm not saying Thanos was right, but he had a point. Of course, birth rates can't drop to zero, so there is still plenty of reason for people to have children and, for most, I believe that they want to. It is a biological imperative for most living things. Certainly, nobody "owes it to society" to procreate as there will always be those who do. I do not think choosing not to have children is selfish, and really most people do have children for selfish reasons - not that there's anything wrong with that. Still, most people "want kids" because they themselves want them, not for any higher purpose. Of course, for most, raising the kids becomes selfless as most parents I know would sacrifice anything for them.

For me personally, I consider adopting children among one of the most noble things that a person can do. It is something that a lot of people never even consider and so many children need support. I respect those who have done so. Even that can be selfishly motivated, but it is at the same time selfless. I have always said I would prefer this route (though I have again never been in the position). This is something I feel strongly about.

That said, while these points should be considered, I am not proffering them by any means as the only right way to think or act.
One of my close friends adopted over 20 years ago now, and at the time, it cost $30K for the first adoption, plus costs for international travel, and then they adopted a second child (and I don't know what the costs were). Thankfully her parents helped them out. Not everyone has that kind of money, though. I've also been surprised at the number of people who say they don't want to adopt at all. We were about to start the process ourselves when we became pregnant. I went through a little grieving process for the child I was beginning to love the thought of already. My sister and I used to kid, "Who's to say our genes are better than anyone else's?" when we were thinking it through. I had another friend who reminded me that you could have a perfectly healthy child who becomes sick or injured somewhere along the line (God forbid), too. When you decide to have children, there really are no guarantees. Fortunately for most, that bond of love is very strong, so as parents, we're willing to love our children almost unconditionally once we bond, and as I've said here, that bond can begin long before the actual birth or adoption!
 
This is exactly me. I didn’t want a kid b/c I thought the sacrifices necessary seemed like a giant PITA. I couldn’t comprehend the reward that make these sacrifices so worth it. I’ll also admit that I didn’t see it as selfishness at the time either. But now that DS is here, I see now that it was absolutely selfish reasons that I thought I didn’t want a child. I realize that might not be the case for everyone who chooses to be childless.
I don’t know specifically what you think of as sacrifices, but in any case I don’t think it’s selfish for someone to recognize they’re content with their life the way it is and not wish to change that. I mean, I don’t want to own a horse; does that make me selfish? Sure, some people love them but I just have no interest in taking on that responsibility and I don’t think I’m selfish for not wanting to bring a horse into my life. Nor do I wish to run a marathon, build a treehouse, buy a sports car.... There’s lots of things I’m perfectly happy abstaining from and I’d have a hard time believing I’m selfish for wanting to continue living my life without them. People aren’t selfish for being happy with their child-free lives.
 

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