DD's MIL just invited herself, the drama begins....

[sk!mom]

I agree, although I'll never vacation with my inlaws or my mother, no way would I ever combine the two. It wouldn't work with us.

I understand that. But in the OP’s situation the family has traveled multiple times with one side and never with the other.

If including the MIL is not an option, then the best solution I see is to start planning a separate trip with her.

 

[Hikergirl]

Again, I will say we don't know all the family dynamics, but I do know that the OP's daughter, SIL and two grandchildren are also the MIL's family.

In the original post, it was stated that it was the daughter who planned a trip, not OP.

Yeah and like I said the MIL can vacation with her family, that means the OP's dd and her husband.
It doesn't matter who planned the trip, the trip is for the OP's family, and that does not include the MIL.

 

[Hikergirl]

But it appears the OP and his wife have been on every trip to WDW.

So what, it isn't like WDW is going anywhere.
The OP's dd can go on a different trip with the MIL and any niece and nephew from that side of the family.

I don't even know why this is an issue. Do all of you invite both sets of parents and siblings on every single vacation you go on? I doubt it.

 

[happymommy]

I don't invite any parents or siblings on most vacations, LOL!

 

[JFox]

It's so interesting to me how families travel. Together, separately, nuclear family or extended family.

My mother used to travel with us (WDW and non WDW vacations) when my kids were younger. Our last trip together was 2012 to WDW. It was our last. She is getting older and can't handle the walking. It was like taking care of another child. Also, my kids are now older and I don't need her to babysit them anymore.

I have since remarried and now travel as a blended family. Our next WDW trip is November 2018. She had made several remarks like, "I'm not invited." Or "I'm going to go on my own trip." Blah blah blah. I don't let it bother me. WDW isn't going anywhere. If she wanted to go on a trip she could. Also, if I wanted to plan a Family Gathering and invite others I would.

 

[happymommy]

If my mom had come along and babysat for me on vacations (which she didn't do), I would feel obligated to take her along at least once more, and get her a wheelchair. I'd feel used if I were her.

 

[MainMom]

We don’t even know if the MIL travels otherwise. Maybe she hasn’t traveled in years. My IL’s do not travel. I would not invite them on vacations (and neither would DH.) My SIL (DH’s sister) goes on trips with her IL’s and does not invite her own parents on other vacations. I cannot IMAGINE my family or my SIL’s family having a vacation planned with other family and having my IL’s/her parents just invite themselves along. In what world is that ok? Asking to go on the next trip with them separately, fine.

 

[Nancyg56]

It's so interesting to me how families travel. Together, separately, nuclear family or extended family.

My mother used to travel with us (WDW and non WDW vacations) when my kids were younger. Our last trip together was 2012 to WDW. It was our last. She is getting older and can't handle the walking. It was like taking care of another child. Also, my kids are now older and I don't need her to babysit them anymore.

I have since remarried and now travel as a blended family. Our next WDW trip is November 2018. She had made several remarks like, "I'm not invited." Or "I'm going to go on my own trip." Blah blah blah. I don't let it bother me. WDW isn't going anywhere. If she wanted to go on a trip she could. Also, if I wanted to plan a Family Gathering and invite others I would.

So let me get this straight: YOur mom went with you and acted as a babysitter on your trips. SHe is no longer able to get around easily, and you do not need her services, so you leave her home or suggest that she go on her own. I miss my own mother daily, and would move Heaven and Earth to have her "inconvenience" me on any vacation. I will aslo add that I am a Nana, and love mt DGD more than life itself. I love my adult children and woudl do just abut anything I possibly could for any of them, but the day that I found tha tI was no longer included because I was not needed, I woudl be more disappointed in them than I can ever express.

 

[JFox]

So let me get this straight: YOur mom went with you and acted as a babysitter on your trips. SHe is no longer able to get around easily, and you do not need her services, so you leave her home or suggest that she go on her own. I miss my own mother daily, and would move Heaven and Earth to have her "inconvenience" me on any vacation. I will aslo add that I am a Nana, and love mt DGD more than life itself. I love my adult children and woudl do just abut anything I possibly could for any of them, but the day that I found tha tI was no longer included because I was not needed, I woudl be more disappointed in them than I can ever express.

Oh please. I am not casting my mother aside. She traveled with us and did watch my kids when they were little and also traveled with us when my kids were not little. She also travels alone by herself. I am NOT obligated to take her or any other member of my extended family on any of my family vacations. I don't owe her a lifetime of vacations just because she is my mother. Is there some kind of parent/kid rule that says otherwise? Or am I supposed to stop traveling with my family because she can't get around?

 

[mjkacmom]

So let me get this straight: YOur mom went with you and acted as a babysitter on your trips. SHe is no longer able to get around easily, and you do not need her services, so you leave her home or suggest that she go on her own. I miss my own mother daily, and would move Heaven and Earth to have her "inconvenience" me on any vacation. I will aslo add that I am a Nana, and love mt DGD more than life itself. I love my adult children and woudl do just abut anything I possibly could for any of them, but the day that I found tha tI was no longer included because I was not needed, I woudl be more disappointed in them than I can ever express.

I would love to travel with my mom again! Not just for help (my youngest are 15) but for her company. We went to WDW with my parents when my dad was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, and two cruises. Put my dad on a scooter, only lost him once. I didn’t invite them on our last cruise when she was still alive because my dad would’ve been too confused at that point, he hates to leave the house, and she couldn’t have left him home alone. She dies pretty suddenly at 69.

Grandparents are a gift, my kids would have them around all of the time if they could. My IL’s are in their 90’s, a little slow going, but if the asked to come with us somewhere, the more the merrier!

 

[sk!mom]

It's so interesting to me how families travel. Together, separately, nuclear family or extended family.

My mother used to travel with us (WDW and non WDW vacations) when my kids were younger. Our last trip together was 2012 to WDW. It was our last. She is getting older and can't handle the walking. It was like taking care of another child. Also, my kids are now older and I don't need her to babysit them anymore.

I have since remarried and now travel as a blended family. Our next WDW trip is November 2018. She had made several remarks like, "I'm not invited." Or "I'm going to go on my own trip." Blah blah blah. I don't let it bother me. WDW isn't going anywhere. If she wanted to go on a trip she could. Also, if I wanted to plan a Family Gathering and invite others I would.

Oh please. I am not casting my mother aside. She traveled with us and did watch my kids when they were little and also traveled with us when my kids were not little. She also travels alone by herself. I am NOT obligated to take her or any other member of my extended family on any of my family vacations. I don't owe her a lifetime of vacations just because she is my mother. Is there some kind of parent/kid rule that says otherwise? Or am I supposed to stop traveling with my family because she can't get around?

Wow! Just wow! I'm appalled that you would say these things let alone think them.

I don't think anyone would say that you owe her "a lifetime of vacations" but, Oh, I don't know, maybe one in the six years since you quit asking her due to her mobility issues would be reasonable. She helped you out for years and you can't find it in your heart to travel with mom on a scooter. Not to mention the lesson and example it would be to your now big kids (who could help grandma.)

 

[JFox]

Wow! Just wow! I'm appalled that you would say these things let alone think them.

I don't think anyone would say that you owe her "a lifetime of vacations" but, Oh, I don't know, maybe one in the six years since you quit asking her due to her mobility issues would be reasonable. She helped you out for years and you can't find it in your heart to travel with mom on a scooter. Not to mention the lesson and example it would be to your now big kids (who could help grandma.)

To each their own. I wasn't asking for your approval.

 

[knkmom]

As someone with parents/inlaws that have all passed away (our kids were young when they lost both sets of Grandparents) and never had a chance to go as a family to WDW, I would give anything to have any/all of them back for just 1 trip as a family.

 

[Minniesgal]

Have to say if my MIL did this to me I would cancel my trip outright.

Your aughter will have to decide what she wants to do with her MIL but the best policy is to be honest and to say what you feel or situations like this will keep happening.

 

[Nancyg56]

Wow! Just wow! I'm appalled that you would say these things let alone think them.

I don't think anyone would say that you owe her "a lifetime of vacations" but, Oh, I don't know, maybe one in the six years since you quit asking her due to her mobility issues would be reasonable. She helped you out for years and you can't find it in your heart to travel with mom on a scooter. Not to mention the lesson and example it would be to your now big kids (who could help grandma.)

Its a mindset thing. My MIL used to tell me how "lucky" my mom was because when she was ill I used to spend a good part of my day there with my little DGD. Um....no. We were the lucky ones. My Mom had devoted her life to all of us, and spending that time with her was a gift, for me and for Kady. My granddaughter got to know her great Memere in a way that many youngsters do not have the opportunity to do. She learned compassion and patience while she visited with a elderly woman who adored her.

My mother would have loved to see Kady on her first trip to Disney, but she was not well enough to go, so she made sure Kady took a little part of her with her: my mom used to sew all the time, so she took little pairs of unders and tailored them for Kady's "friend" Marsha Fiona, so that her little doll, who was all gussied up in proper Disney attire, would have matching clothes from nose to toes.

My kids, and my nieces and nephews all have memories of pushing Memeres' wheelchair to and from their sporting events and concerts, and a few more terrifying laughs of walking next to her scooter down the street. ( We left that one home a lot, and woudl never have been able to let her loose in Disney with that little red disaster on wheels! LOL)

As someone with parents/inlaws that have all passed away (our kids were young when they lost both sets of Grandparents) and never had a chance to go as a family to WDW, I would give anything to have any/all of them back for just 1 trip as a family.

I know. My own children were blessed with grandparents who lived into their adult years. I think GOd for the time we all had together. I miss my Mom.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Its a mindset thing. My MIL used to tell me how "lucky" my mom was because when she was ill I used to spend a good part of my day there with my little DGD. Um....no. We were the lucky ones. My Mom had devoted her life to all of us, and spending that time with her was a gift, for me and for Kady. My granddaughter got to know her great Memere in a way that many youngsters do not have the opportunity to do. She learned compassion and patience while she visited with a elderly woman who adored her.

My mother would have loved to see Kady on her first trip to Disney, but she was not well enough to go, so she made sure Kady took a little part of her with her: my mom used to sew all the time, so she took little pairs of unders and tailored them for Kady's "friend" Marsha Fiona, so that her little doll, who was all gussied up in proper Disney attire, would have matching clothes from nose to toes.

My kids, and my nieces and nephews all have memories of pushing Memeres' wheelchair to and from their sporting events and concerts, and a few more terrifying laughs of walking next to her scooter down the street. ( We left that one home a lot, and woudl never have been able to let her loose in Disney with that little red disaster on wheels! LOL)





I know. My own children were blessed with grandparents who lived into their adult years. I think GOd for the time we all had together. I miss my Mom.

My grandmother watched my DD from the time she was 4 months until she went to Kindergarten. And during that time she watched my son after school and in the summer. My kids are 18 and 12 and still go to her house at least 3-5 days after school to visit her, spend time with her and she cooks them a home cooked meal (that's just icing on the cake!). I love that my kids know their great grandmother in ways most kids don't. They are closer to her than my own parents or my XH's parents. My grandma is getting older, walks slower now but she's still with it. The other day DD started crying because, in her words, "Look Mom, she's walking slower. She's not going to be here forever."

I've never vacationed with my grandma since I've been an adult. Honestly I don't think she wants to vacation with me either. LOL My grandma is very old school, outspoken, judgmental and isn't afraid to voice her opinion even if it's downright rude and over the top and I'm the type to tell her something so we clash. But I still love her. She does take each of her grandkids (and great grandkids) on a vacation with just her and that one kid. I went to Puerto Rico, my brother and cousin did Disney, she took my son to Tampa to watch the Tampa Ray/Phillies play, and I think she will be taking my DD to Puerto Rico soon. I know the memories will last a lifetime.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I understand that. But in the OP’s situation the family has traveled multiple times with one side and never with the other.

If including the MIL is not an option, then the best solution I see is to start planning a separate trip with her.

You couldn't pay me to travel with my MIL. Ever. Okay, maybe for a billion dollars. As long as it is a short trip. And not to Disney. Because where ever we went, it would be ruined for me.

My MIL is a witch, with a capital "B." And my husband agrees. He wouldn't want to vacation with her either.

My own mom has passed. I would have taken her on a trip, in an instant. And did, many times, although not to Disney.

My mom was a kind, sweet person. And my husband thought so too.

Having your child marry, does make you into a nice person. If it did, the MIL in the op wouldn't have invited herself and her grandchild on the trip.

 

[Hikergirl]

I would love to travel with my mom again! Not just for help (my youngest are 15) but for her company. We went to WDW with my parents when my dad was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, and two cruises. Put my dad on a scooter, only lost him once. I didn’t invite them on our last cruise when she was still alive because my dad would’ve been too confused at that point, he hates to leave the house, and she couldn’t have left him home alone. She dies pretty suddenly at 69.

Grandparents are a gift, my kids would have them around all of the time if they could. My IL’s are in their 90’s, a little slow going, but if the asked to come with us somewhere, the more the merrier!

I would love to have my MIL back with us again, I would love for my kids to be able to grow up with her in their lives, she was an amazing woman. She was truly a gift to not only her kids, but to the people her kids married. I still wouldn't invite her on a vacation I was taking with my parents. We would plan a different trip, one for her and us.

 

[rlk]

Having your child marry, does make you into a nice person. If it did, the MIL in the op wouldn't have invited herself and her grandchild on the trip.

How do you know the MIL isn't a nice person, just because she wants to join her son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren? The information we have is coming from the dauhter's father(OP), who, I am assuming, has his own bias.

 

[HopperFan]

Its a mindset thing. My MIL used to tell me how "lucky" my mom was because when she was ill I used to spend a good part of my day there with my little DGD. Um....no. We were the lucky ones. My Mom had devoted her life to all of us, and spending that time with her was a gift, for me and for Kady. My granddaughter got to know her great Memere in a way that many youngsters do not have the opportunity to do. She learned compassion and patience while she visited with a elderly woman who adored her.

My mother would have loved to see Kady on her first trip to Disney, but she was not well enough to go, so she made sure Kady took a little part of her with her: my mom used to sew all the time, so she took little pairs of unders and tailored them for Kady's "friend" Marsha Fiona, so that her little doll, who was all gussied up in proper Disney attire, would have matching clothes from nose to toes.

This whole thread aside .............. I LOVE THIS STORY!

It's not about money & gifts, it's not about including or excluding on trips (even the closest are not always travel compatible), it's not about what one grandkid gets vs another. It's all about the singular relationship one has with an elder and how it is embraced by each.

Please, if you still have Marsha Fiona and those handmade britches, make sure they are saved and not lost. I still have my original 50 year old Barbie and a few outfits but especially the wedding gown my Mom made the one year she dressed my old Barbie & Ken & friends up in handmade wedding party attire because they couldn't afford lots of gifts. I snuck downstairs during the night to see what Santa brought ... and when I saw them all standing there beautifully dressed ....... I was so excited I threw up. But what a wonderful memory because of the time and work spent .............. not the money, not the vacation but something equally as powerful.

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We all can't travel together even when we get along in the day to day. Been there done that. Vacations are expensive and often a use of limited time, you have to do everything you can to finish it up having enjoyed it. I also know the bad results that can happen to friendships and families after a vacation gone bad ...

OP's situation - I'd have more questions ...
- Are the grand parents friends? Would they normally hang out, have dinner etc? If not, that is a great deal of pressure for a vacation.
My kids were shocked to find out that many of their friends grands really didn't know each other since my enjoyed each others's company. But I would never travel with them both together because that is on a whole different level ... and ... what we would enjoy with one we would not enjoy with another. Mom & DSD would want a table service dinner and DFIL/DMIL would want a counter service dinner....
- Would the DMIL travel with the granddaughter if the others weren't there. Does the DMIL take this child to local events and places without her parents? If not, that tells me she expects them to be helping/caring for the child. That is a major change to the trip and no one should be expected to vacation like this.
- Will this child be manageable, are they used to be away from their parents, are they flexible and able to handle the level of energy Disney takes? If this child needs to go back to hotel, will DMIL travel alone there, be willing to leave the parks and her other grands? Just sounds like it's the child throwing the bigger wrench.
- Vacations are priceless, and in the case of Disney sometimes expensive ... and to us a break from reality and day to day. It sounds like this is going to bring day to day with them, bring stress and extra work with them and may cease to be a vacation. I've been on some of these and the older I've gotten the more firm I have been about only traveling with those that are similar in style and/or can handle me telling them we are going off on our own, we are not eating that or there and will tell me the same.

I find it sad that folks only see black & white. I adored my inlaws (both gone) but after a few trips realized that we are not compatible when it comes to traveling. I have traveled with my Mom and her husband (with lots in place) .... but my brother has avoided and my sister has had meltdowns on trips with them. We all have different styles and different levels of tolerance. It doesn't mean they care or love less, just that they can't handle some of the cheek biting moments that might come. They make up for it in other ways with local staycation stuff, or short weekend to specific events where they can control outcome more.

Oh my .... rambling morning .... OP, your DSIL has to take care of this and he will have to either deal with an unhappy wife or unhappy mother if he doesn't handle it well. I do think it's rude to ask anyone to go on their planned vacation (been there and said no) but I do think it's okay to ask someone to plan a trip in the future with you. At that point you have more control on where, when, how long, parameters to plan ~ and everything is clear from the beginning.

Given the dynamics description by the OP ............... would it be feasible for DSIL to plan a trip for HE AND DD to take a short trip to Disney with DMIL AND DN. This keeps the group smaller and more manageable, does not bring into play DS who is picked on, allows for maybe some cool girl stuff like BBB etc??? Princess trip!