Dealing with a Difficult Child

Your daughter has some serious mental health issues, if this is how she projects on her family. She needs to see a therapist, counselor, doctor, minister, anyone who she actually respects and will talk to and listen to. She's pushing at all of you as a cry for help - she wants you to tell her you're worried about her, ask her what is wrong, etc. She's trying to get negative attention to fill a need - she'll need some guidance to break the pattern to get to what will really make her better.
 
My other kids are much younger (11) but there is just no way I would put up with that. They have to live in my home, she doesn't. Purposely causing unrest in my home is grounds for immediate dismissal. My stepbrother did this all our lives when we lived at home and I just have no tolerance for it. Your other kids should not have to tiptoe around her for fear of one of her moods and neither should you. If you truly think this is a case where she needs help then I agree with Pea n Me, getting help would be required to stay in my home. If she's just being pissy for the sake of being pissy then I'm with Klayfish here, she needs to discover the real world on her own.


Since the young adult in question has an autistic sibling it is likely she has spent a lot of her life "tip toeing" around him. I know my daughter spends her time being very cautious with my son and yes, sometimes she has had enough. It doesn't happen often but it does happen. I think the young adult in question clearly needs some mental health support and yes, a lot of family love.

I don't believe in shutting people out unless things are dangerous which it doesn't sound like they are.

This subject is very close to my heart as I have known three young adults who almost succeeded in taking their lives this past year. I have a daughter who suffers from depression and I can tell you that all the advice I have been given by mental health professionals is to have some boundaries but to make sure that above all they are love and safe and understood.
 


I would be sure to find some quality time to spend with the younger siblings without her. Maybe even one on one time. I would worry what kind of toll this is taking on them. HOME is suppose to be everyone's safe spot. A place you can be relaxed and be yourself. Are the younger siblings having to walk on egg shells at home not knowing about her mood?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice in dealing with your daughter. FWIW, my college daughter saw her "pediatrician"
Until she went to college. He was a pediatrician and adolescent dr.

The boys are accustomed to her attitude as we call it since it has been going on for so long. Everyone keeps to them selves. We all have own "space" and they really don't interact with each other. We do do things together and see each other, but mostly keep to themselves

My pedi sees the kids until they are 21 (I think). She is 20.
 
I'm sorry you feel that way about therapy, @Klayfish. Its helped me immeasurably.

I'm really glad it has helped you, and I would never argue or question it. For some, or many, perhaps it is a help to them, and that's wonderful. All I'm saying by giving my thoughts is that it doesn't necessarily apply to all. I definitely feel for OP, I can imagine what it's like...I was that kid myself.
 
My son is younger than your daughter, but we have had some of the same problems. Last fall and winter were ROUGH. I am *shocked* that my son agreed to see a counselor. (We told him he was going -- no option -- but he cooperated with her and followed through on her suggestions which was key.)

Like your daughter, he is apparently dealing with some anxiety and depression but instead of being "sad" or "worried" he becomes irritable and contrary. He takes it out on all of us but is especially obnoxious to his little sister. He used to say that he did not know why he was being so mean -- or would "blame the victim". I swear his sister couldn't even *breathe* right last winter. I think a lot of times he doesn't even really know what's making him anxious, but now that we've identified a "reason" for his behavior, we can talk through it a little more... and we can usually find something -- an upcoming transition that he's uneasy about, or a problem with a friend, etc. (When you said your daughter is leaving for college in 2 weeks, I thought "uh oh, that'd do it.")

So far, my son hasn't had any meds. The therapist thinks his could have a seasonal component and wanted to try some non-drug options first including one of those sun-lamps (not sure how much it helped) and extra exercise (I think that has helped a lot.) He started feeling a lot better when mandatory track practices began in the spring... and he's done VERY well all summer. (He has been running all summer in preparation for cross-country.)

I think all of us (including him) are a little worried now that the days are starting to get shorter. None of us know whether last year was a one-time deal or whether things are going to get bad again. He has committed to running throughout the winter, even when he doesn't feel like it, in hopes of keeping it at bay. We all hope it works because it is very, very stressful to live like that, and I feel for your family, especially if your daughter doesn't see a problem with her behavior.
 
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Since the young adult in question has an autistic sibling it is likely she has spent a lot of her life "tip toeing" around him. I know my daughter spends her time being very cautious with my son and yes, sometimes she has had enough. It doesn't happen often but it does happen. I think the young adult in question clearly needs some mental health support and yes, a lot of family love.

I don't believe in shutting people out unless things are dangerous which it doesn't sound like they are.

This subject is very close to my heart as I have known three young adults who almost succeeded in taking their lives this past year. I have a daughter who suffers from depression and I can tell you that all the advice I have been given by mental health professionals is to have some boundaries but to make sure that above all they are love and safe and understood.
I am no stranger to anxiety and depression. I'll just leave that at that. The post I quoted had the young lady purposefully antagonizing her brother. Not reacting to him out of frustration, purposely pushing his buttons. That would not be okay with me under any circumstances. Having someone move out on their own or insist that they get help is not shutting them out IMO it's giving them responsibility for themselves.
 
Since the young adult in question has an autistic sibling it is likely she has spent a lot of her life "tip toeing" around him. I know my daughter spends her time being very cautious with my son and yes, sometimes she has had enough. It doesn't happen often but it does happen. I think the young adult in question clearly needs some mental health support and yes, a lot of family love.

I don't believe in shutting people out unless things are dangerous which it doesn't sound like they are.

This subject is very close to my heart as I have known three young adults who almost succeeded in taking their lives this past year. I have a daughter who suffers from depression and I can tell you that all the advice I have been given by mental health professionals is to have some boundaries but to make sure that above all they are love and safe and understood.
I agree with your last sentence, but think that can be open to interpretation.

For many, ongoing support of young adults shows we love them. As does continuing to include them in family activities, trips, parties, vacations, etc. Conversations are great, too.

But your "boundaries" is also called limit setting, and this is a lot of what some of us are talking about. Limits are necessary because giving to someone can cross a line when one side is giving, and the other is not. Or worse, acting badly.

Also, when someone's feeling out of control, limits can help them feel more in control; "safe" and "understood", if you prefer. Loving someone does not mean it's ok to be taken advantage of, because it's not. And I believe that this is what we're really talking about.
 
I am no stranger to anxiety and depression. I'll just leave that at that. The post I quoted had the young lady purposefully antagonizing her brother. Not reacting to him out of frustration, purposely pushing his buttons. That would not be okay with me under any circumstances. Having someone move out on their own or insist that they get help is not shutting them out IMO it's giving them responsibility for themselves.

Insisting she see a therapist, even under duress, could well be a gateway to her embracing the process and getting better.
 
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Of getting help? Or taking responsibility? Not sure I'm following.

Sorry - I was outside watching the eclipse and wasn't being clear. I meant that if she was forced to see a therapist, she might actually embrace the process. I edited my response.

The eclipse was cooler than I thought it would be. I am in the 100% zone and simply had to go outside with my glasses. Neat stuff.
 
The boys are accustomed to her attitude as we call it since it has been going on for so long. Everyone keeps to them selves. We all have own "space" and they really don't interact with each other. We do do things together and see each other, but mostly keep to themselves

My pedi sees the kids until they are 21 (I think). She is 20.
I think it's great the pedis will see kids so long. For my DD, it was the only dr she had known. I was pleased she could still see him during that time when she might have had to look for a new dr. Especially when all these changes in life were going on like getting ready for college.
 
My son had the same attitude every time he came home from college. He wanted to pick a fight with someone. After his freshmen year, he finally told us that he was not happy at school. He was not sure what he wanted to do with his life. He was planning on going back to school in the fall. We talked to him about it. We decided that it would be best for him to take a year or two off to decide what he wants to do.He can defer enrollment for two years. He was afraid to tell us that he hated college. We knew that he hated high school. He thought that it would be different being at college/ being on his own. He was relieved that we would even consider letting him take time off. He got a job and is saving to do some travelling. He is looking into other opportunities that don't require a degree. He has thought about a trade school. He would like to own his own bar in a resort town. At his current job, he is learning a lot about how businesses should be run.

His friends are getting ready to go back to school. I asked him if he felt sad about not returning to school. He said "No!"
 
sounds to me like someone struggling with mental health a very unhappy , lonely 20 year, who possibly feels they dont fit in, has nothing in common with those around them, and is trying to figure out who they are. The difficult behaviour as you see it is to me the behaviour of someone who is looking for help, reassurance, guidance. Maybe this 20 year has interests or opinions which are different to the family unit and therefore not taken seriously or supported as much as other more conventional interests. Maybe there is something that this 20 year is worried about, or has happened to them and they dont have anyone to confide in or support them.

Difficult behaviour is a symptom, a reaction to something else. Excluding or punishing this behaviour drives the vicious circle. The 20 year becomes difficult due to some hidden issue, then feels even more isolated when excluded and punished and the difficult behaviour just gets worse.

All I see is someone who needs love and support, someone to listen to them, understand them and help them work through whatever the bigger problem is
 
She is an adult, but I'm not sure she is being treated like an adult. Does she have a job? Adults earn money so they can have a roof over their head and food on their table. It sounds like those things are being provided for her. Also, adults make their own decisions about attending family functions. But, again, it sounds like that decision is being made for her.

I recommend cutting her loose a little bit. Require her to pay for her own cell service and car insurance. Stop setting a table for her at dinner unless she is present to help prepare it. Let her know she is welcome at family functions but is not required to attend (make sure you have her rsvp so you can plan accordingly...it's what adults do). And, above all, require her to work. She will gain confidence and self esteem by being successful in a job.

Good luck. It's hard.

If an adult doesn't work, then an adult doesn't eat.
 
I have a thread out there right now about my dd who just went to college this weekend and my concerns for her. She is an introvert and has suffered with lots of anxiety and depression!! She is on depression medication. She doesn't get angry per sea but will completely shut down and people out. She has had nightmares for awhile and recently some shoulder pain I thought was due to stress. She has gained some weight this past year and that even set her back further with her self confidence. All that to say we made an interesting discovery a few months ago. I took her to a non traditional doctor. I know this sounds crazy but he told us that she was allergic to cane sugar. Her allergy was shutting down her thyroid and causing liver issues. He asked if she had anxiety, nervousness, mental health issues? I said definitely yes!!! He told her that when the body is compromised by an allergy it can sometimes show up in behavioral ways in addition to physical aspects. Hence, the shoulder pain, bad dreams, depression, anxiety...etc...She has been to a therapist for a year. We saw improvements with that and the medication. But I will be honest, she has removed cane sugar from her diet (which is dang near impossible) and has really turned a corner in her outlook on life as well as her reaction to it! I am in no way saying that this is your daughter's issue but sharing our experience. For her, the allergy contributed to I would say to a good portion of her problem. I wish you luck and hugs to you both. We just want them to be happy and healthy and finding the key can be frustrating.
 

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