Debt Dumpers - 2019

Budget news from the Bat Cave: DH's work seems to be the Titanic, slowly, but inevitably, sinking. All three of his closest friends have either left or are actively looking to leave. We're keeping an ear to the ground for jobs for him but he plans on riding it out. Believe it or not, remember my foster brother who sideswiped us on the trip cost? Out of the blue, he let me know that he is working on a job that may need a remote position that is exactly what DH does. It's based in Brooklyn. We are in CA. But if it works out (we won't find out for a while) it'd be a TREMENDOUS Godsend. DH would be getting a huge pay increase and have to travel 5-8 times a year, but he digs that.

Also, the DL trip for DH's work convention is still planned for November. I haven't looked up ticket prices because, you know, cart in front of the horse with the way things are going. Well, I looked yesterday and nearly cried!!! I'll use the $175 in SW Disney gift cards to offset 1/4 of it, but my oh my!

And...my oldest DD has been in a bad relationship. I've been praying for so long. So very long. It was never physically abusive. But she met a young man over the weekend who has opened her eyes as to everything her boyfriend is not. She stopped wearing her ring from him, removed his pic from her phone case, and the lock screen. While I hope this may turn into something wonderful (I was able to meet this young man too! They were in the wedding together and I swear, he's one of those "if-I-could-pick-a-guy-for-my-kid" types), I'm so grateful that she is HAPPY again. It's been four days and she's bubbly and joyful. And this plays into my budget how? Well, we live 5 hours from where he is stationed. They decided to go to a concert that is midway between us. My youngest is going, too (and she's admitted to being excited to be the third wheel because we all really like this kid). I told them both that I'm getting them separate hotel rooms so they do NOT have to drive back that night. Honestly? $200 well spent for me.

I hope things go well for your DD and she is able to move on. I was in a very long, very bad relationship from high school all the way through to the start of law school. He was never physically abusive, but very toxic. He was super controlling and blamed me for everything bad that happened to him. I eventually was able to see the light after he broke up with me for the millionth time right before I had to go to Las Vegas to present a poster at a legal conference. I almost didn't get on the plane but told myself that this was important and it was my future. He then called me when my plane landed and apologized, asking to get back together. I told him no. And I jumped into a new relationship quickly afterward. It was what I needed to move on, though it wasn't meant to last. I am still really good friends with that rebound guy though. He is a goofy, sarcastic type that can make me laugh and we often joked about my "crazy ex."
 
I hope things go well for your DD and she is able to move on. I was in a very long, very bad relationship from high school all the way through to the start of law school. He was never physically abusive, but very toxic. He was super controlling and blamed me for everything bad that happened to him.
THIS.

I am just the mom and when I mentioned it, I was a horrible person. So with this new guy, even as they become friends (because they live 5 hours apart!), I'm so grateful for her to find some self-worth. She told her sister this morning that she's finally seeing how mean her boyfriend really is. DD is excited and it's like I've been watching this flower droop and fail...now starting to barely lift up to the sun.
 
THIS.

I am just the mom and when I mentioned it, I was a horrible person. So with this new guy, even as they become friends (because they live 5 hours apart!), I'm so grateful for her to find some self-worth. She told her sister this morning that she's finally seeing how mean her boyfriend really is. DD is excited and it's like I've been watching this flower droop and fail...now starting to barely lift up to the sun.

My mom tried to get me to break up with that crazy ex many, many times. But at the time, it felt more like she was prying into my life than trying to help me. I am older and wiser now and see just how much she cared about me. He was really terrible, but I had to figure that out for myself.
 
THIS.

I am just the mom and when I mentioned it, I was a horrible person. So with this new guy, even as they become friends (because they live 5 hours apart!), I'm so grateful for her to find some self-worth. She told her sister this morning that she's finally seeing how mean her boyfriend really is. DD is excited and it's like I've been watching this flower droop and fail...now starting to barely lift up to the sun.
DS24 was in a toxic relationship a few years ago. He is attractive and well liked. Also outgoing and confident - people were a bit shocked to see the way she treated him, as over time it got worse and she was doing it in public (even her friends were on his side, she lost them all over this). I do not interfere, and I only offer advice when asked (it is incredibly hard to do this), so when he would talk to me I would ask him questions and get him to find the answers. He knew she was toxic, he just could not understand why. One of her friends, who had known her for years, told him she thought it was because he was so pretty, charismatic, and well-liked. The gf was no longer the center of attention no matter where she went, and she became cold and mean to him because of it (she said some really hurtful things to him, his self esteem plummeted). He really was in love with her, and sobbed after breaking up with her. She met a new guy right away, and got married almost immediately. No one liked him and so she went away with him and they've not heard from her since as far as I know. Such a blessing!!
 


Update on DS24: He has had 3 Dr. appts now, they think it's Crohn's disease. Not going to look up too much until they are sure, though.
Today we had the appt. with the gastro, he'll be having the colonoscopy Fri., Oct. 11. Geez, 2 more weeks of worrying! But I have plenty to take my mind off - still playing that video game with him. He's been putting the psoriasis lotion on his spots, and while they are not going away super fast, they are less itchy. Still working on keeping him on a healthier diet, not easy but plugging along, lol. He really wants pizza and burritos! Did a monster Costco shopping trip to load up on essentials (do this every fall in case of bad weather or illness, don't have to leave the house) and got a lot of fresh stuff for him. He's actually lost a few pounds (a good thing, looking a bit leaner) on this diet, and he's back to working out so the diet might be making him WANT to be healthier. Also, I told him our fastpass day is Oct. 9th and he got excited for that. He looks super tired, though, and has been having low grade fevers pretty constant even thought the blood tests came back normal. And Oct. 1st is right around the corner, we'll get to decorate on Monday!
 
@Jen and Ashwin I had never noticed the fresh start button... I've been starting a new budget in January always to tweak categories and such, that will make it so much easier!

I think I learned about it when I first signed up. I attended every single workshop that they offered and it included one about the fresh start function. Since I was feeling in a budgeting funk, I decided to sign up for a bunch of the workshops again and found it really motivating. They just rolled out some new goal functions and I really enjoyed attending the workshop on that. You now have the option for a monthly goal that doesn't roll over the money into the next month. So if you spend $100 on entertainment per month and only spent $94 in September, then on Oct. 1 it will put that extra $6 back into your "to be budgeted" category and ask you to fund October for just $100. I think this is helpful for some of our categories that are a bit of a guess each month and always have a surplus, such as our water bill. It is usually close to $50, but never over $50. I have gone through and redone all of our goals now to reflect what makes the most sense for each goal.

I like that you start a new budget each year in January. We have been working from the same budget since we started YNAB over 4 years ago. I think I might start with a "fresh start" each year as well.
 
Thank you all for the encouragement and wisdom for my DD. Yesterday went absolutely downhill. He found out (have no idea), started spamming her phone with texts, pics of himself crying, snaps of himself crying, then texted me, left me a voicemail crying. I responded to his text (and showed DD my response) that he needed to respect her decision and that spamming her was not a wise choice. She was sobbing when she finally called me. "Mom, in all of our fights, he's always yelled at me and now he's crying." I don't even think she heard herself...

Last night, I checked on her before bed. Half of the pictures were off of the wall. Her eyes were red and swollen. Today, if my coworker wasn't off, I'd take the day off to be with her. Just to make her food or watch TV next to her.

Tomorrow, we are taking the kids to San Francisco for a baseball game. It'll be good to go away and have fun.
 


Thank you all for the encouragement and wisdom for my DD. Yesterday went absolutely downhill. He found out (have no idea), started spamming her phone with texts, pics of himself crying, snaps of himself crying, then texted me, left me a voicemail crying. I responded to his text (and showed DD my response) that he needed to respect her decision and that spamming her was not a wise choice. She was sobbing when she finally called me. "Mom, in all of our fights, he's always yelled at me and now he's crying." I don't even think she heard herself...

Last night, I checked on her before bed. Half of the pictures were off of the wall. Her eyes were red and swollen. Today, if my coworker wasn't off, I'd take the day off to be with her. Just to make her food or watch TV next to her.

Tomorrow, we are taking the kids to San Francisco for a baseball game. It'll be good to go away and have fun.

I am sorry. This is the kind of crap that my ex would pull. He would break up with me, then he would basically beg forgiveness. But he would also reinforce this idea that I needed him and without him I was worthless. He was so manipulative. We broke up so many times and I took him back so many times. It was a terrible cycle.

Even after we broke up for good, he hounded me relentlessly to the point that I changed my phone number, changed the locks on my apartment and blocked his emails. About 8 months after we broke up, he drove from Texas (where his parents were living) all the way to my parent's house in Illinois during Thanksgiving because he knew that I would be there. Luckily, I was at Borders with my dad when he rang the doorbell. My mom answered the door and she told him that I was in a new relationship and had moved on. She told him that he should do the same. He left some kind of package with my mom. I didn't even want to know what it was, so I asked my mom to mail it back to his parent's house in Texas.

We have had a few strange sporadic communications since then. The most recent one was an email a few months ago that he sent me saying that he had changed his name, started a business and his lawyers wanted me to sign a non-disclosure agreement regarding our relationship. I told him that I wouldn't sign his NDA and I wished him luck with his business venture.
 
I am sorry. This is the kind of crap that my ex would pull. He would break up with me, then he would basically beg forgiveness. But he would also reinforce this idea that I needed him and without him I was worthless. He was so manipulative. We broke up so many times and I took him back so many times. It was a terrible cycle.

Even after we broke up for good, he hounded me relentlessly to the point that I changed my phone number, changed the locks on my apartment and blocked his emails. About 8 months after we broke up, he drove from Texas (where his parents were living) all the way to my parent's house in Illinois during Thanksgiving because he knew that I would be there. Luckily, I was at Borders with my dad when he rang the doorbell. My mom answered the door and she told him that I was in a new relationship and had moved on. She told him that he should do the same. He left some kind of package with my mom. I didn't even want to know what it was, so I asked my mom to mail it back to his parent's house in Texas.

We have had a few strange sporadic communications since then. The most recent one was an email a few months ago that he sent me saying that he had changed his name, started a business and his lawyers wanted me to sign a non-disclosure agreement regarding our relationship. I told him that I wouldn't sign his NDA and I wished him luck with his business venture.
Which is exactly what happened around noon today. I'm just a wreck because now, again, she's taking the blame and he's even pulling a medical card ("I'll go see a dr. for anxiety meds."). He's promising the sun and moon and can't see why we aren't happy that he finally realizes what he's done wrong. I can't change it. Only she can. And he will keep doing this. He will not go to the dr. and he will not follow through on counseling.

And as a bonus, super fun trying to cry quietly at work. Thankfully everyone just left early.
 
Which is exactly what happened around noon today. I'm just a wreck because now, again, she's taking the blame and he's even pulling a medical card ("I'll go see a dr. for anxiety meds."). He's promising the sun and moon and can't see why we aren't happy that he finally realizes what he's done wrong. I can't change it. Only she can. And he will keep doing this. He will not go to the dr. and he will not follow through on counseling.

And as a bonus, super fun trying to cry quietly at work. Thankfully everyone just left early.
Ugh! This guy is mental!! He's making even me angry! Sounds like all he's doing is pulling new tricks because the old tricks stopped working. That's what people who manipulate do. It also sounds like DD mentioned it - "Mom, in all of our fights, he's always yelled at me and now he's crying". Remind her she said that, and point out that he's changed tactic because he knows the old tricks aren't working any more. Have her look up info. on sociopaths and narcissists, it may really open her eyes. Also, there is no cure for these people since they never see that anything is wrong with them, unlike other mental illnesses, so they never seek help. They may lie and say they're going to, but don't. The best, and only, way to deal with them is to cut them out of your life........ like a tumor. Stay strong sister!!!
 
I am sorry. This is the kind of crap that my ex would pull. He would break up with me, then he would basically beg forgiveness. But he would also reinforce this idea that I needed him and without him I was worthless. He was so manipulative. We broke up so many times and I took him back so many times. It was a terrible cycle.

Even after we broke up for good, he hounded me relentlessly to the point that I changed my phone number, changed the locks on my apartment and blocked his emails. About 8 months after we broke up, he drove from Texas (where his parents were living) all the way to my parent's house in Illinois during Thanksgiving because he knew that I would be there. Luckily, I was at Borders with my dad when he rang the doorbell. My mom answered the door and she told him that I was in a new relationship and had moved on. She told him that he should do the same. He left some kind of package with my mom. I didn't even want to know what it was, so I asked my mom to mail it back to his parent's house in Texas.

We have had a few strange sporadic communications since then. The most recent one was an email a few months ago that he sent me saying that he had changed his name, started a business and his lawyers wanted me to sign a non-disclosure agreement regarding our relationship. I told him that I wouldn't sign his NDA and I wished him luck with his business venture.
I had a toxic relationship in my teen years that sounds like this. We were together for 5 years, even lived together for a few of those years, and though I know my parents disliked him, they tried not to overtly display it.
Things got worse slowly as time went on. He was 5 yrs older than me and at first seemed so smart and so much wiser. He encouraged me to do good in all aspects of my life: insisted that I finish my homework before he would pick me up at night, helped me to quit smoking at 16, helped me write a 10 page paper on Greek mythology when I was not a strong writer, etc.
Once I graduated HS and started college (which I insisted on staying local to be near him) as my life kept improving, his was going no where. He had left college shortly before we started dating and kept going from one low-paying job to another. He started getting a lot of speeding & careless driving tickets until his license was revoked. Then more tickets for driving on the revoked list. He was verbally abusive to me and even his grandmother. (first sign of psycho) I gradually matured and saw this was not my future. I could not see him in my life for the next 50 years and the thought of bringing children into this crazy life would be awful for them and keep him in my life forever. I quickly became "over" my reluctance of being "single"/not having a bf.
I'd break up with him during many fights but he'd beg, plead, etc and I'd take him back.
Finally I woke up one day and said enough is enough. He threatened to drive his truck through my parents living room if I left him. Thankfully, that never happened.

Shortly after I met a "rebound guy" who was just what I needed. He was separated from his wife after she hooked up with his cousin when he needed a place to live. She later became pregnant from the cousin. He was so sweet and caring but neither of us wanted a long-term relationship but surely he helped me more than I helped him. He was so deep down broken-hearted. He helped me realize how crazy the ex-bf really was without saying so and would tell me how much I deserved a really good guy. This didn't last long but I was ok with that. Way too young to take on major baggage like that.

I stayed single for while, finished school, got a job, and shortly after met dh. It was easy to see he was everything that the psycho was not. No BS, no lying, no mind games, no disappearing in the middle of the night, no threats, good career, worked hard, and did anything he could to make me happy.
28 years later, I swear his mission in life is making me happy.

This is exactly why I can't be bothered with FB. There's a reason why people in my past are not in my present.
They need to stay in the past.
 
I put in my two week notice at my old job today. I don't know HOW people do this! They totally made me feel like I was abandoning them and the guilt is killing me. I know this is what is best for my future career and my family, but they sure laid the guilt on thick. I could cry. This is supposed to be an exciting thing, but the next two weeks of working my notice will be awful! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

As far as toxic relationships go, I have seen my share of them. It seems like my sisters won't date anyone unless they are mildly emotionally abusive. A life time of watching them suffer through that makes me SO grateful for my incredible DH. With my sisters I vowed a long time ago to only be honest with them. No sugar coating. Usually I'm the bad guy for a while, but in the end, I'm always right about the guy and they come to see it. It's a sad, exhausting process, but I'm not going to lie to them to make them feel better about poor decision making. They are worth more than that.
 
Hello everyone!! It's been a long time since I checked in, but I'm back from my WDW trip today and cleaning up my budget some. We actually did pretty well on spending this trip, even with buying a decent number of pins to commemorate the trip and having to pay the dog/cat sitter. We had a FANTASTIC trip and really enjoyed ourselves. I'm glad we flew home today so we can recover tomorrow. Even though I went to Costco this afternoon after getting home and was like "this place is the worst, no one even has any fun shirts on..." :rotfl:

Everything else is going fairly well here. Our heat pump has almost completely bit the dirt at this point and will only properly cool our house at night. It's 80 degrees in here right now. Fortunately, our home warranty is replacing the entire thing. We will have to pay $1200 for some repairs to drain lines and ductwork, which I know is right because another HVAC company had previously told me the lines were messed up. I pulled that money out of savings and will work on putting it back in over the next couple months. We will probably be hitting our savings hard this winter/early spring as we need to buy a new lawnmower (it's a need at this point, not a want) and also want to get DH a newer car. He is able to get a discount on cars through his work and even though his car has about 125k miles on it, it's a top of the line package so I think we'll be able to get about 8-9k for it. I would rather just pull the money out of our savings and from the sale of his car to buy him a newer one since I HATE having a car payment.
 
I would rather just pull the money out of our savings and from the sale of his car to buy him a newer one since I HATE having a car payment.


i'm with you on that. the last time we bought a new car a few years back the only reason we agreed to finance part of it was b/c ford had a deal going where they took $2000 off the price if you financed-with no prepayment penalty. we drove off the lot, turned around and called the ford automated payment system the next day and paid the balance in full. no interest/no penalty.

i hate car payments.
 
Update, again: Finally got him an appt. with a gastro next week - hard since he is a new patient and they tend to put them waay out. Our Dr. put a rush on it under the circumstances and they obliged! Otherwise we could've been looking at 2-3 mo. That would've sucked. And he got the psoriasis med filled and started, but will have to wait longer to get into a rheumatologist - but I'm ok with that since the other issue is more pressing. Fortunately, we have quite a bit left on our FSA account (money set aside for medical through employer) and will be able to use that before paying anything out of pocket. Also, I have a question for everyone: Those of you that purchase Memory Maker, are you still going to get it? Box cameras instead of photographers reeeaallly bothers me, but our trip is in Dec. and I've read its at like only 9 places so far? So I'm torn, I do like the ride photos and we don't get as many character pics as we used to (plus I take all the pics with my own camera, but not ride photos!). But this decision is really bothering more than some of the other bad decisions Disney has made lately. Pics (and interactions with characters that photographers catch!) are literally THE memories for these trips. Way more important than parking fees and straws taken away (although those irked me). And it's quite a chunk of money. I still have time to decide - what does everyone think?

I didn't see any of the box cameras on my 8 day trip and we purchased Memory Maker. I didn't go places like the theater to meet Mickey or go to any of the princess locations, but I did meet Mickey, Minnie, and Goofy at Epcot and never saw the box cameras.

i'm with you on that. the last time we bought a new car a few years back the only reason we agreed to finance part of it was b/c ford had a deal going where they took $2000 off the price if you financed-with no prepayment penalty. we drove off the lot, turned around and called the ford automated payment system the next day and paid the balance in full. no interest/no penalty.

i hate car payments.

Yup, if they offer me some sort of good deal where it makes sense, I will do something similar. Worst case scenario, we'll pay off anything we had to take out with our tax refund.
 
The driveway repair saga continues
It is Sep. 30th, DH has left 3 messages with this guy (the message is just to call us to get things ready), but we have not heard a word back from him! He doesn't even know we had no intention of paying the $5700. After all the back and forth prior to 2 weeks ago, cannot imagine why he's not returning our call now. He was supposed to be setting up a time "at the end of Sep." to do the job. Not sure whether I should be disgusted, or worried he has been in a horrible car accident and he's in a coma somewhere. Either way, looks like we're not getting the driveway done this year. Phooey. And, it'll probably be twice as much if it gets more damaged. Double phooey.
 
It is Sep. 30th, DH has left 3 messages with this guy (the message is just to call us to get things ready), but we have not heard a word back from him! He doesn't even know we had no intention of paying the $5700. After all the back and forth prior to 2 weeks ago, cannot imagine why he's not returning our call now. He was supposed to be setting up a time "at the end of Sep." to do the job. Not sure whether I should be disgusted, or worried he has been in a horrible car accident and he's in a coma somewhere. Either way, looks like we're not getting the driveway done this year. Phooey. And, it'll probably be twice as much if it gets more damaged. Double phooey.

That’s awful. Jmho but I think sometimes contractors bite off more than they can chew. They don’t want to turn work away but it gets to be too much for them to juggle.
Our elderly neighbors (the husband is 85 and disabled from polio as a child) have had their driveway dug up and the framing set for new concrete pour but it’s been probably 3 weeks like that. It’s inconvenient enough when you’re young and able-bodied. I feel bad for them esp because the guy is someone dh knew in HS and recommended him.
I’d love to call him and give him a piece of my mind but I won’t. :(
 

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