Disappointed

[MamaBelle4]

DH used to use chewing tobacco. About 4 years ago, he had to have a dental procedure and quit cold turkey.

Apparently he had an overwhelming urge 2 weeks ago and bought a can. He's really ashamed and upset at himself. I told him he's allowed to have weaknesses and that I have faith in him.

I nagged him for years to stop because I worried about throat cancer and I was so proud when he did. I really don't want to nag him again, but I don't want him to endanger his health long term. I want to be understanding and supportive. I don't want him to be like my Dad who is constantly "quitting smoking" to the point where I can't even keep track if he is or not.

I've often been accused of overreacting (I guess that's who I am), so I don't want to here either. How would you be supportive, moving forward? I don't want to be nagging and quizzing him daily, but he isn't one to ask for help if he needs it and I don't want to not help if I can.

I am sure some people on here will probably think this is a stupid issue and I shouldn't be concerned with it, but I'm rather attached to DH and I'd rather not lose him to cancer. Thank you all for your replies.

 

[ronandannette]

DH used to use chewing tobacco. About 4 years ago, he had to have a dental procedure and quit cold turkey.

Apparently he had an overwhelming urge 2 weeks ago and bought a can. He's really ashamed and upset at himself. I told him he's allowed to have weaknesses and that I have faith in him.

I nagged him for years to stop because I worried about throat cancer and I was so proud when he did. I really don't want to nag him again, but I don't want him to endanger his health long term. I want to be understanding and supportive. I don't want him to be like my Dad who is constantly "quitting smoking" to the point where I can't even keep track if he is or not.

I've often been accused of overreacting (I guess that's who I am), so I don't want to here either. How would you be supportive, moving forward? I don't want to be nagging and quizzing him daily, but he isn't one to ask for help if he needs it and I don't want to not help if I can.

I am sure some people on here will probably think this is a stupid issue and I shouldn't be concerned with it, but I'm rather attached to DH and I'd rather not lose him to cancer. Thank you all for your replies.

You're not over-reacting but at the same time you are probably also underestimating the incredible power of a nicotine addition. I've learned quite a bit about it; both the physical and psychological aspects as I'm a smoker. I've quit several times, once for as long as 3 1/2 years. I missed it every single day.

Nicotine is a stronger dopamine stimulant than heroine (think about that for a minute) and that perception of pleasure initially draws one back to what quickly becomes a raging dependency. The relief of satisfying the craving becomes the "new" sensation of pleasure. It's also extremely complex emotionally, as it becomes a go-to coping mechanism and often forms the basis for long-established routines and schedules.

Here's the good news though - nicotine itself is not much more dangerous than any other type of stimulant such as sugar or caffeine (depending on the health of the user). It's the delivery vehicle, namely tobacco, that's deadly. Of course there are value judgements and moral arguments to be made against addiction of any kind, but that notwithstanding, substitutions can be made to satisfy the physical needs. Has your DH tried gum, lozenges or vapor? All of them are very, very effective. The mental and emotional aspects are tougher and they're what always drag me back under. I wish you both well.

 

[Jimmy Mouse]

I dipped Copenhagen since I was 13. That's 37 long years before I quit. last summer I decided I needed to quit. No one told me to quit, I just decided out of the blue to quit. The downfall to it after a few hours was I was very moody. I had such a short fuse. I would get mad at everything! So I bought another can that night and went right back to it. a few weeks later, a friend of mine told me about these nicotine pouches so I ordered a few packs and within 2 weeks I was done dipping. I had to change brands of the pouches due to availability but the new ones I found are called "On" nicotine pouches. I use them just like dip. stick one between your cheek and gum and you get all the nicotine without the tobacco. They are gum based and completely safe (besides the nicotine) Right now I'm a little over a year tobacco free and I have never felt better! Google it. You can order them online and there are tons of flavors and strengths. I started at strength 8 and they made me feel sick to my stomach. I dropped to 4 and it's been perfect.

 

[kimblebee]

I don’t know how chew works but can he gradually wean off it? Not cold turkey, but cool turkey? That might be easier for everyone to handle.

 

[Shanti]

It sounds like he needs professional help to quit. Have you looked into any local health center or addiction recovery resources?

 

[luvsJack]

Did he keep using it after the initial time or did he chew that day and stop?

I quit smoking for over 2 years. And then one day for some reason I had this overwhelming anxiety and bought a pack. I told myself I would have those until I could see my dr that next week. Yeah it was months before I went to the dr and by then I was smoking again.

Don’t nag him but maybe talk to him about the overwhelming urge. What was he wanting? The satisfying feeling? The relaxation? The flavor? And the brainstorm with him to find other ways to obtain what the chew satisfied.

If it was anxiety, a dr could give him anti anxiety meds that will help. Just a low dose that he can take occasionally.

 

[MamaBelle4]

First, thank you all for your replies.

but at the same time you are probably also underestimating the incredible power of a nicotine addition.

I am quite sure I am. Not intentionally, but I've never smoked or anything so I don't really have anything to compare it to. I mean, I drink coffee but I know the pull isn't comparable.

Has your DH tried gum, lozenges or vapor?

No. Last time I suggested it but he wasn't interested.

So I bought another can that night and went right back to it. a few weeks later, a friend of mine told me about these nicotine pouches so I ordered a few packs and within 2 weeks I was done dipping.

He used those for a while last time, but then they either got too expensive or difficult to find (I can't remember which).

I don’t know how chew works but can he gradually wean off it? Not cold turkey, but cool turkey?

I'm not sure. I'm not even sure how often he's used it.

It sounds like he needs professional help to quit.

Maybe, but he's going to want to try on his own first.

Did he keep using it after the initial time or did he chew that day and stop?

I'm certain he used after that first time but he's on one can after two weeks, so he hasn't used that frequently.

Don’t nag him but maybe talk to him about the overwhelming urge. What was he wanting? The satisfying feeling? The relaxation? The flavor?

He said he had the urge after a particularly stressful day at work.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I think all you can do is be there to support him and help him through it. He already knows how you feel about it. Just let him know you'll do whatever it takes on your end to help him quit.

 

[mjkacmom]

He is a father with young children, he has to quit. I just had this discussion with ds20, who I know has smoked and vaped. I smoked for almost 25 years, many of those years a pack a day, at the end one cigarette a day. It’s an incredible addiction to break, but it has to be done. There are so many options now, and there is no shame in using them. As a pp mentioned, the addiction is similar to heroin. This is not like a bad habit like cracking your knuckles or biting your nails. It will most likely kill you.

 

[cabanafrau]

You're not overreacting, not even a little bit. Chewing tobacco is a very common cause of oral cancer. My father didn't chew very long, but he did develop oral cancer precisely on the jaw line where the tobacco sat in his mouth. He did not survive.

 

[rotlex]

I feel for you and him. I chewed\dipped\whatever Skoal and Copenhagen for a very long time. (25 years or so). After the pricing started going through the roof, and I started reading more and more about cancer issues, I decided to quit cold turkey. Threw my last full tin away and never touched it again. That's 15 or so years ago. Was it hard. Absolutely. Ridiculously so for a very very long time. I could not believe just how addicted I was to this substance.

To be honest, nothing made it easy. Gum, jerky, other things I tried. Nothing. The only thing that did was time. It sucked, but I managed to get through it. The scariest part is that even this many years later, I still get that occasional urge. I just resist it, and try not to think about it any longer.

The best thing I can say is just support him in his effort to stay away from it and realize that it's a feeling\urge like nothing you can really describe.

 

[MamaBelle4]

You're not overreacting, not even a little bit. Chewing tobacco is a very common cause of oral cancer. My father didn't chew very long, but he did develop oral cancer precisely on the jaw line where the tobacco sat in his mouth. He did not survive.

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[cabanafrau]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you. It's been quite a few years now. My reason for offering up my story was actually in hopes to avoid your loss. Unlike some of the other advice offered here, which I do understand, I would go through my husband like a buzz saw if I were in your shoes. You know your husband better than I do and understand how to negotiate with him. Good luck.

 

[winterman]

In 1997, on our first trip to WDW without kids, DH came down with pneumonia. He was really sick, missed more than a month of work and stopped smoking. Sadly, he started again when he went back to work. He tried to keep it from me but after a few weeks I told him I knew. I was in tears as I talked with him. I told him how upset I was but if he continued to smoke, he would not do it around me or in the house. He did not stop and was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in 2011. He died 3 months later, 2 months after our 39th anniversary. I miss him every day.

I chose to not nag him because I thought if I did we would both be miserable and I'm not sure that things would have ended any differently. MamaBelle4, whatever you decide to do, remember this is not your fault. Your DH is an adult and he has to decide what to do. I wish you both well.

 

[Gigi22]

Just a quick FYI. We recently discovered that even if you have stopped smoking, many years ago, the effects can come back to you. My BFF’s father permanently wound up on oxygen because of the damage done to his lungs. He quit smoking 50 years ago. It’s insidious.

 

[pigletto]

It doesn't take nearly as much time for the addiction to be raging when you pick it back up. It just gets awakened again and you are right back in it. MANY addicts fool themselves into thinking that they can just have it once and quit again. It won't happen like that and your husband likely is right back where he was in very little time.
I'm of the solid opinion that you make your position and boundaries known, and then there isn't much else you can do. It's not "nagging" to tell someone you don't want to lose them as a partner and father. However, if addiction could be cured with logic and words, we wouldn't have any addicts.
He would be best off seeking medical help to find a program or treatment that works for him. He can't quit this for you.. he has to decide for himself. I am a former smoker (3 years and 3 months no nicotine!!!) and I will NEVER pick it up again because I simply don't have another quit in me. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. To get through it I needed support (both medical and personal), nicotine patches and determination that had to come from me.

Don't be discouraged with smokers/nicotine users that relapse frequently. They are trying, and every quit gets them one step closer to the one that will stick. If you roll your eyes and tell them they'll never get it, that might be just enough discouragement to make sure it never happens.
If we want to be angry, a good place to direct that anger is at an industry that chemically alters peoples brains for maximum addictive effect and kills millions of people for profit. Nobody knows what addiction feels like until they are in it, and then they are trapped. Its a horrible industry.

 

[Southernmiss]

I understand how concerned you are.

But when someone is addicted regardless of what it is, it's up to them to do the quitting. So very difficult to watch.

DH really needs to drop 20+pounds. He did it a few years ago by going on the DASH diet, but as much as I did to support him at home-by cooking that diet for the family and buying items for the diet-he dropped the weight. But it was not sustainable for him. He would not bring his lunch to work and preferred to "get away from the office" with the guys. So all my work at home was negated by his preference for going out to lunch. Since that time 3 years ago, he's put weight back on. I have given up nagging him and just do my best to cook tasty proteins and vegetables and limit the starches and limit the goodies in the house. But he's a grown almost 50 year old who has to do it for himself. He is very active, just that he likes food that tastes good.

My A1C last year was 5.7. Borderline diabetic. I am not overweight, but did drop 7 pounds and changed my eating habits to avoid bread, pastas, and limit grains and sugars and upped my daily exercise. Hope the blood test next month is in my favor. I get giving up things you prefer to eat.

So don't kick yourself op. In the end, it's on him.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I chose to not nag him because I thought if I did we would both be miserable and I'm not sure that things would have ended any differently.

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree that nagging will do no good because he will stop when he is ready and all the nagging in the world won't change that.

We recently discovered that even if you have stopped smoking, many years ago, the effects can come back to you.

Unfortunately, I know this. But thank you.

He would be best off seeking medical help to find a program or treatment that works for him. He can't quit this for you.. he has to decide for himself.

Yes, I know. I just want to try to be supportive of his efforts but don't know if there is anything I can do other than offer reassurance.

If we want to be angry, a good place to direct that anger is at an industry that chemically alters peoples brains for maximum addictive effect and kills millions of people for profit.

I completely agree. My grandfather died of emphysema (sp?) And both of my parents have smoked their entire adult lives. I hate the tobacco industry.

 

[MamaBelle4]

My A1C last year was 5.7. Borderline diabetic. I am not overweight, but did drop 7 pounds and changed my eating habits to avoid bread, pastas, and limit grains and sugars and upped my daily exercise.

My SIL was in the same boat and did the same changes to her diet. Her blood test results were favorable, and I'll keep my fingers crossed yours are as well!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Everyone knows the health angles. Have you tried talking to him about how his habit turns you off? Don't the teeth turn yellow/brown (and later fall out), gums bleed, breath stinks, remnants are around, etc.? Does that sort of interfere with how attracted you are to him physically? That would be an issue for me. Besides the health implications.

Kurt Schilling is a retired MLB pitcher who has battled his addiction to chewing tobacco and survived a case of oral cancer a few years ago. I've read some of his writings about it. I thought I'd share this one, which I think is particularly poignant:

https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/curt-schilling-letter-to-my-younger-self

Good luck, I hope your husband can find a way to finally quit once and for all.