Disappointed

[jrmasm]

Everyone knows the health angles. Have you tried talking to him about how his habit turns you off? Don't the teeth turn yellow/brown (and later fall out), gums bleed, breath stinks, remnants are around, etc.? Does that sort of interfere with how attracted you are to him physically? That would be an issue for me. Besides the health implications.

Kurt Schilling is a retired MLB pitcher who has battled his addiction to chewing tobacco and survived a case of oral cancer a few years ago. I've read some of his writings about it. I thought I'd share this one, which I think is particularly poignant:

https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/curt-schilling-letter-to-my-younger-self

Good luck, I hope your husband can find a way to finally quit once and for all.

Would you say the same thing to your spouse if they were overweight when you married them, they lost weight and then gained it back?

 

[luvsJack]

He said he had the urge after a particularly stressful day at work.

Yep stress will definitely do it. And the hardest thing honestly, is finding a different way to deal with stress. And sometime it can hit you out of the blue, its like you have been dealing with stress for all this time and all of a sudden THIS time you can't do it without the nicotine.

Since this is something he wants to stop too, I would help him find ways to handle the stress. He may have to try different things and it may be different things at different times.

Please be supportive of him. Not nagging and not constantly telling him the negative effects. He knows those.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Would you say the same thing to your spouse if they were overweight when you married them, they lost weight and then gained it back?

You are making inferences that aren't there.

This is an addiction that progresses into the things mentioned above.

Addicts of chewing tobacco bring these points up themselves.

DH used to use chewing tobacco. About 4 years ago, he had to have a dental procedure and quit cold turkey.

Apparently he had an overwhelming urge 2 weeks ago and bought a can. He's really ashamed and upset at himself. I told him he's allowed to have weaknesses and that I have faith in him.

I nagged him for years to stop because I worried about throat cancer and I was so proud when he did. I really don't want to nag him again, but I don't want him to endanger his health long term. I want to be understanding and supportive. I don't want him to be like my Dad who is constantly "quitting smoking" to the point where I can't even keep track if he is or not.

I've often been accused of overreacting (I guess that's who I am), so I don't want to here either. How would you be supportive, moving forward? I don't want to be nagging and quizzing him daily, but he isn't one to ask for help if he needs it and I don't want to not help if I can.

I am sure some people on here will probably think this is a stupid issue and I shouldn't be concerned with it, but I'm rather attached to DH and I'd rather not lose him to cancer. Thank you all for your replies.

 

[jrmasm]

You are making inferences that aren't there.

This is an addiction that progresses into the things mentioned above.

Addicts of chewing tobacco bring these points up themselves.

I completely disagree. I can understand not want to date someone that smoked or chewed to tobacco but that ship long sailed for the OP. If she wasn't turned off by him then, I think it would be truly awful her to say that now.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I completely disagree. I can understand not want to date someone that smoked or chewed to tobacco but that ship long sailed for the OP. If she wasn't turned off by him then, I think it would be truly awful her to say that now.

And that's fine. But consider that what could be overlooked at 20 may feel a little different at 45, when many women are already growing weary from child-rearing and all the other responsibilities they have, i.e. libido may be dropping off. At 20, gums weren't bleeding and teeth weren't falling out yet. That could be the difference to a 45 year old. Ymmv

 

[MamaBelle4]

Have you tried talking to him about how his habit turns you off?

When we first started dating 14 years ago, he was already doing it. He didn't stop until about 4 years ago. He is as attractive to me as ever.

Good luck, I hope your husband can find a way to finally quit once and for all.

Thank you and thank you for the article. I'm going to read it as soon as I get a chance. Edited to add, man that made me cry.

Since this is something he wants to stop too, I would help him find ways to handle the stress.

I think the reason he couldn't handle the stress is because he quit when he was working at his old job, which was much more stressful for him. Then he switched jobs and is much happier and, while the work is physically and mentally demanding, he enjoys it and likes a majority of his co-workers, so when he had that super stressful day, he wasn't as equipped to deal with it because it was more out of the blue than when he was managing it daily.

 

[MamaBelle4]

And that's fine. But consider that what could be overlooked at 20 may feel a little different at 45, when many women are already growing weary from child-rearing and all the other responsibilities they have, i.e. libido may be dropping off. At 20, gums weren't bleeding and teeth weren't falling out yet. That could be the difference to a 45 year old. Ymmv

Well, to be frank, I don't quite look how I did when we started dating when I was just shy of 18. I'd be pretty hurt if he was suddenly turned off by my tummy pooch, wide hips and the fact that I have more stretch marks than a Bengal tiger has stripes. And my teeth aren't as white as they were from coffee stains and dental issues from morning sickness issues.

I get what you're saying, but it really doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that he may be taking himself away from us earlier than he has to.

 

[mom2rtk]

Well, to be frank, I don't quite look how I did when we started dating when I was just shy of 18. I'd be pretty hurt if he was suddenly turned off by my tummy pooch, wide hips and the fact that I have more stretch marks than a Bengal tiger has stripes. And my teeth aren't as white as they were from coffee stains and dental issues from morning sickness issues.

I get what you're saying, but it really doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that he may be taking himself away from us earlier than he has to.

I get what you're saying. But I don't equate the battle scars of carrying and bearing his children with the battle scars of choosing to chew tobacco.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I get what you're saying. But I don't equate the battle scars of carrying and bearing his children with the battle scars of choosing to chew tobacco.

No, but I'm just saying my appearance has changed too.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well, to be frank, I don't quite look how I did when we started dating when I was just shy of 18. I'd be pretty hurt if he was suddenly turned off by my tummy pooch, wide hips and the fact that I have more stretch marks than a Bengal tiger has stripes. And my teeth aren't as white as they were from coffee stains and dental issues from morning sickness issues.

I get what you're saying, but it really doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that he may be taking himself away from us earlier than he has to.

Right. I get it. I was just thinking that if the health angle wasn't enough, that the attractiveness angle might do it. But if it's not an issue for you, then great. I hope that, for health reasons - and there are certainly enough of those - he can quit for good.

 

[J'aime Paris]

It took RESOLVE, plain and simple.

I was a casual smoker during college. Would have a couple when out drinking with friends, as you could smoke in bars back then.
One night I turned to my friend and said, "this is stupid, let's quit!"

She agreed....and it lasted about 3 days. In fact, she still smokes to this day. Even smoked through her pregnancy. She was once shamed by a stranger because she was smoking while 8 months along. Even that didn't deter her...she just hid it better. Sad that she couldn't find it within her to quit for her baby.

I've never had another cigarette since that night 20+years ago.

Resolve. Either you have it. Or you don't.

 

[MamaBelle4]

It took RESOLVE, plain and simple.

I was a casual smoker during college. Would have a couple when out drinking with friends, as you could smoke in bars back then.
One night I turned to my friend and said, "this is stupid, let's quit!"

She agreed....and it lasted about 3 days. In fact, she still smokes to this day. Even smoked through her pregnancy. She was once shamed by a stranger because she was smoking while 8 months along. Even that didn't deter her...she just hid it better. Sad that she couldn't find it within her to quit for her baby.

I've never had another cigarette since that night 20+years ago.

Resolve. Either you have it. Or you don't.

Wow, that seems a tad judgmental.

I don't see how you smoking a couple of times is equivalent to someone who grows to depend on tobacco.

But good for you for quitting.

 

[jrmasm]

And that's fine. But consider that what could be overlooked at 20 may feel a little different at 45, when many women are already growing weary from child-rearing and all the other responsibilities they have, i.e. libido may be dropping off. At 20, gums weren't bleeding and teeth weren't falling out yet. That could be the difference to a 45 year old. Ymmv

Plenty of people change physically over the course of long marriage due to a variety of bad habits. No longer being attracted to someone for that reason makes you an *** in my book.

 

[J'aime Paris]

Wow, that seems a tad judgmental.

I don't see how you smoking a couple of times is equivalent to someone who grows to depend on tobacco.

But good for you for quitting.

No judgment, just a factual account.

 

[luvsJack]

It took RESOLVE, plain and simple.

I was a casual smoker during college. Would have a couple when out drinking with friends, as you could smoke in bars back then.
One night I turned to my friend and said, "this is stupid, let's quit!"

She agreed....and it lasted about 3 days. In fact, she still smokes to this day. Even smoked through her pregnancy. She was once shamed by a stranger because she was smoking while 8 months along. Even that didn't deter her...she just hid it better. Sad that she couldn't find it within her to quit for her baby.

I've never had another cigarette since that night 20+years ago.

Resolve. Either you have it. Or you don't.

Having "resolve" may have been all it took for you. Not the case for many people. Besides you said yourself you were a "casual smoker". That is much, much different than someone with an addiction. I am happy for you that you quit but don't compare yourself to someone with an actual addiction to nicotine.

And I am not sure why anyone thinks shaming anyone ever helps anything. It doesn't. It is sad she didn't quit for her baby but it is a very hard thing to do. I was able to stop for each pregnancy and start back afterwards (didn't breast feed), but the morning sickness was actually a plus for that.

 

[J'aime Paris]

Having "resolve" may have been all it took for you. Not the case for many people. Besides you said yourself you were a "casual smoker". That is much, much different than someone with an addiction. I am happy for you that you quit but don't compare yourself to someone with an actual addiction to nicotine.

And I am not sure why anyone thinks shaming anyone ever helps anything. It doesn't. It is sad she didn't quit for her baby but it is a very hard thing to do. I was able to stop for each pregnancy and start back afterwards (didn't breast feed), but the morning sickness was actually a plus for that.

I'm not comparing myself to anyone else. Added my experience to the thread and the method I chose for quitting.

Smoking is smoking, and it was nicotine! But in your eyes, I was "less addicted" and couldn't possibly understand?
Excuses!!

 

[FutureDisneyEventPlanner]

I dipped Copenhagen since I was 13. That's 37 long years before I quit. last summer I decided I needed to quit. No one told me to quit, I just decided out of the blue to quit. The downfall to it after a few hours was I was very moody. I had such a short fuse. I would get mad at everything! So I bought another can that night and went right back to it. a few weeks later, a friend of mine told me about these nicotine pouches so I ordered a few packs and within 2 weeks I was done dipping. I had to change brands of the pouches due to availability but the new ones I found are called "On" nicotine pouches. I use them just like dip. stick one between your cheek and gum and you get all the nicotine without the tobacco. They are gum based and completely safe (besides the nicotine) Right now I'm a little over a year tobacco free and I have never felt better! Google it. You can order them online and there are tons of flavors and strengths. I started at strength 8 and they made me feel sick to my stomach. I dropped to 4 and it's been perfect.

THANK YOU so much for posting this...trying to get my partner to quit his habit...

 

[MamaBelle4]

I had to change brands of the pouches due to availability but the new ones I found are called "On" nicotine pouches. I use them just like dip. stick one between your cheek and gum and you get all the nicotine without the tobacco.

You know what, I misread earlier. I thought you were talking about the dip that comes in pouches. He wants to to try to quit on his own again, but said if he can't he is willing to try whatever. I will keep this in mind. Thank you so much!

 

[FutureDisneyEventPlanner]

I am sure some people on here will probably think this is a stupid issue and I shouldn't be concerned with it, but I'm rather attached to DH and I'd rather not lose him to cancer. Thank you all for your replies.

Definitely not stupid! I feel your pain. I feel like crying every time I see my SO smoke a cigarette because I know that it's slowly killing him. And don't even get me started on the waterworks that ensue when I see one of those smoking commercials with the people who have oxygen tubes and stuff.

But sadly I know only the person can quit if they want to. Although, in my opinion, there's no harm in searching for alternative options for them to help them quit.

 

[Owlpost23]

OP,have him check out the cold laser method of quitting.Worked like a charm for my husband and myself-going to be 16 years,and no desire to smoke at all.He can do it,and he doesn't have to do it alone.Good luck!!!