Divorce ? keeping the house

bubbleprincessmom

Mouseketeer
Joined
Aug 30, 2000
Without going into detail I am sadly in the middle of a divorce. My husband of 19 years has decieded that he loves the army and the disicipline and honor (whatever) and that he has been unhappy for several years. I held out hope until the he filed papers a couple of months ago as he is still in Iraq and I thought surely that was the problem ...combat stress. You can't unring a bell however and he has said and done things over the past couple of years while deployed that have cut me to the core. Therefore the divorce proceeds. I am so afraid of losing my home. I still have two children living here and it is the only home they have ever known we have been here 15 years. I have pretty much been a stay at home mom working once in a whileover the years usually long enough to pay for my disney fixes. I can't find a job right now to save my life and the stress has made me physically ill, I've lost almost 20 pounds in no thanks to this divorce diet. For those of you have gone through this process did you have to sell your homes and split the proceeds? Were you awarded the house? We have no debt except the house and he does have retirement from both the army and his civilian job. He is making close to 9 grand a month and only wants to send me 2000. I can't make a sound decision right now. How does this whole "court of equity work, my lawyer is like well we can go to court and see what the judge says but can't make me any assurances. So I come here, what has been the experience of my dear fellow DIS'ers? I could use all the help I can get. thanks
monica
 
Most people I know that go thru divorce lose the house, unless they can buy out the spouse or take over the payments.

My soon to be ex-sil, is going thru this now. She kicked out my brother and I think she thought she was going to get to keep the house. She can't even afford to keep house and she works at a decent job.

Is there somewhere you can go and take the kids while you get back on your feet? Sorry...{{{HUGS}}}
 
:grouphug: Every state and every judge is different. When I got divorced, we had to sell the house and split the proceeds. I had young children and one was in a wheelchair. The whole house wasnot accessable, but did have a ramp going into it. Well, I was able to purchase a 30 year-old 12 ft wide trailer and went without a ramp for 1 year. 6 years later I was chosen to receive a Habitat for Humanity home. It's beautiful, totally accessable and decorated by me from the floor up! Hold your head up, stay strong, and things will work out for the best (eventually) :cheer2:
 
you still have eligiblity to services offered to military spouses-so get in contact with any assistance programs they may offer that include legal assistance. you will want to have a lawyer with knowledge of military pay and benefits guide you through this to protect you and the children in regards to support, division of property, your share (ultimatly) of his retirement benefits and the like. you will also want to make sure that you and your children retain your medical and dental coverage (well, for sure at least the kids) and any other military benefits.

some folks construct their settlement such that a house is not sold until the youngest child has reached a certain age (with some 6 months after high school grad, with some age 21) at which time the residential spouse has first right to buy out the other at a 50% of what the equity in the house is worth (and if this is done it's best to make sure you are buying out at REAL worth, not some inflated price that does'nt take into consideration repairs, updating, and the associated costs selling through a realtor would actualy net).

you can look on-line and probably find a website for your state's child support laws. most sites have a rough calculator or at least a rough percentage figure. but you also have to consider non reocurring costs like non covered med, dental, orthodontia, school activity fees, car insurance when they get older, cost of special events like prom, senior photo/graduation and the like. it all needs to be spelled out-and esp. so if your ex will be residing out of the country. i would also think that there would need to be special wording about child visitation and how the travel would be covered (would the kids be able to use military stand-by, or do they have to have an adult travel with them-and if so and you did'nt qualify for the military air-would ex pay full r/t passage for the child to travel commercial).

good luck-check with military family assistance.
 


My brother got a divorce and his wife just got the house straight out.
 
They don't say its cheaper to keep her for nothing! He will have to pay a lot if you were stay at home and he provided all these years. I hope the judge wouldn't go with up rooting the kids just cuz DH has a change of heart. He has responsibilities there with those kids!

Get all your facts and start a notebook! Log everything, write down ?'s. Look around online for answers too. Visit the court abd ask to see the "attorney of the day" for free and pick his brain!

Be well informed.

Prayers to you :grouphug:
 
I agree with the others who said make sure you get a good lawyer knowledgeable with the military. Keeping/receiving benefits is far more important than a house. There are things your husband may not be telling you that you need to know and also things the military legal office will not help you with.....afterall, you are not the service member and they are not obligated to help you. Surprisingly there are things family services can not do to assist you. Good luck in your job search. Try to find one with benefits such as medical and dental for yourself.
 


My friend who got divorced bought out her ex-husband. The house was appraised and she got a mortgage for the worth of half of the house.
It was a bit of a struggle for her at the time. She wanted to hold onto her house as it was the only home her children ever knew. Her and her ex had it built when they were first married.
Eventually she found it was an emotional thing to hold onto and she had to totally let go of it in order to be completely free. She wound up having another home built. But as you did, she lost a lot of weight during all of this. But she was running 10 miles a day to release stress.
Good luck to you. Divorce is never easy, but life will get better and you will feel happy again.
 
Get a good attorney. I was able to keep the house in my divorce, however at the time we had only owned it for 2 years and my family had money in the home.

I'm guessing he doesn't want custody so there will be child support. And because you were a SAHM, you will be eligible for some spousal support.

You'll need to try and sit down and push away your emotions (I know, it's hard) and figure out your finances. Go to your state's child support web site and you'll be able to get a general idea of what child support/spousal support you will get. See if you can afford the house. Here in Iowa I think child support is right around 33%.

This is a hard time for you and the kids. One thing I can tell you....don't give up, it DOES get better and in most cases it gets MUCH better. You'll see but it honestly takes time.
 
I am so sorry to hear this. :grouphug:

I really have no experience or advice, but I do know that 2000 a month is not right! We managed to save kaboodles while DH was over there, and they really don't spend much either. We saved a couple thousand every month at least. Not sure why he is giving you so little, especially since you have kids. You should get the housing allowance too.

Hope things work out well in the long run. Will keep you in my prayers.
 
each state is different. the key, as everyone said, is to get a good lawyer. I live in NY so my info isbased on NY laws, but...

most states have child support laws that mandate how much support your dh will have to pay. in NY the amount is based on the number of children...17% for one child, 25% for two children, 29% for 3 children. he'd probably have to pay for health insurance for the kids, and maybe for her as well. any costs not covered by insurance ar elikely to be shared on a prirated basis, depending on each parent's income.

in NY a stay at home mom would be entitled to maintenance (alimony) for a specificed time period in order to rehabilitate herself, i.e., prepare herself for reentry into the job market.

it' s doubtful she'd be awarded the house outright, but she might be awarded exclusive use of the house during ther children's minority, with the understanding the house will be sold when the kids are grown.


she'd have a right to a portion of his cvilian pension. probably the military pension as well. and at retirmement she'd be entitled to collect social security based on his work history, since they'd been married for over 10 years.

in Ny a parent must pay suport until the hcild reaches 21, unless the child is emancipated before age 21 by marriage, entry into the military, etc. .most other states use age 18 as the age of majority. my divorce agreement with my ex requires him to pay suppoort to age 23 if our kids are still in college, and also rquires him to pay a portion of college tuition.


my divorce as very esxpensive, my ex didn't keep any of his agreements and wanted the courts to micromanage our affairs. try to avoid this pitfall by negotiating an agreement you can live with, and stick to it.
 
Definately call a lawyer.

I recently got divorced (married 9 years) and kept the house. Legally my ex could have requested 1/2 of the equity in the house but he only requested $2,000 and I have 1 year to give it to him. I put the house up for sale last month, I can't keep living paycheck to paycheck just to keep this house. At the time I filed for divorce it was very important to me that I keep the house, now I see that it is just a house, we can make a new "home" in any house.

As for child support & spousal support you should be entitled to way more than he is giving you. In my case it was recommended he pay me 61% of his wages for child & spousal support, which I thought was high. We agreed to 30% instead. I may be an idiot for taking less money but we filed for a dissolution which requires you to agree on everything. If I wanted that 61% he was going to fight it and I did not want a long drawn out court battle.


:hug: :sad1: I'm sorry you are going through all of this. This is a very difficult time but stay strong.
 
MorganLeFey said:
she'd have a right to a portion of his cvilian pension. probably the military pension as well.

Sadly, even many military wives are just as clueless when it comes to their military benefits as the average civilian. Getting the wrong lawyer would be like the blind leading the blind.

She does have a right to the military retirement. The problem is we don't know if they are reserves or fulltime active duty. Reserves don't start receiving retirement until they officially retire and draw social security. Active duty draw retirement when they complete at least 20 years and officially retire from the military. For a reserves ex-military spouse, that can be a long wait.
 
Nothing to do with the military, (which may differ), but here's the way I kept my house (Also, this was a few years ago, so things may have changed).

I was a SAHM, with 2 kids. We had been married for less than 10 yrs, (8), but my attorney told me (and my ex's told him) that I was still entitled to 1/2 of everything he had paid into his pension, as well 1/2 of as his employers contribution because his pension was considered a marital asset. I could demand that money to be paid the day our divorce was final.

I told him I would forfeit the right to the pension money in exchange for a quit-claim deed on the house (hey-his girlfriend had a house; he would have a place to live--I wouldn't).

He couldn't sign that deed fast enough--it wasn't money coming out of his pocket, the way the pension settlement would have been.

Because I was a SAHM, I got maintenance, also.

I am so sorry you are going through this and good luck!
 
Every situation and state is different. With him being in the military that complicates things further.

I/we had to split the assests 50/50, or as evenly as we could. If we couldn't, then it would have been done for us by a judge.
My ex kept his tools and I made him take the RV. He never would let me drive it anyway. That pretty much evened out the house and everything in it, and my car.
There was only two things he wanted out of the house. Sentimental things from his grandparents. The rest he left.

I had to refinance the house to get his name off the mortgage, but I had 5 years to do that in.

Good luck, I know it's hard.
 
Well I've decieded that his "offer of settlement" is just another way to try and control and bully me so I am not going to accept it. I feel like I'm playing the biggest game of Deal or no deal around. I know that by turning it down I take my chances with the judge ordering the house equity be split but I know if that happens his beloved retirement will be split as well (and as a reserveist it doesn't even start till something like 65 Ill check) as well as his 401 from his civilian job and also the land we have on anderson island in washington that we were going to build a vacation home on when he returned from iraq.
I did some research and discovered two things about the 2000 a month he wanted to send me and that was 1. I couldn't qualify for a loan to refi the house into a lower payment the magic number for that would be 2500 a month in income and the one item that pushed me over the edge was discovering that based on the 2000 a month that we would qualify for food stamps!!! He makes 9 GRAND a month TAX FREE and my kids would qualify for food stamps NO WAY!!! My lawyer said the judge would look really poorly at him for socking away that kind of money while his kids were on assistance.
I will not let him bully me and scare me anymore HE was the one who walked out NOT me NOT my kids why should we suffer while he gains!!!!!

NO DEAL HOWIE!!!!

thanks for the support!!

monica
 
You have gotten very good advice, here. Get an attorney who knows how military pay/pensions work. I bet there are many of them near military bases. Is there one close to you?

:grouphug: I remember you posting about your DH leaving for service a long time ago. It brought tears to my eyes. Here's hoping things get a lot better for you. You sound like a very strong and committed woman, and that will take you a long way through this process.

Denae
 
Good for you for standing up for yourself! You will get A LOT more than he is trying to get you to settle for. IMO, you are probably in a better position to keep the house having been a SAHM all these years because you will have settlement help from him, child support, AND your earning potential to tap into. I read a thread recently where a couple getting divorced, who relied on both of their incomes to run their household, had no hope of keeping the house.

I have a friend whose husband is stringing her along, keeping her from taking legal recourse, because he is paying her WAY less in the way of support than he will have to if they divorce or legally seperate. Don't let this happen to you!
 
Get a Good attorney. It probably will cost more up front, but will be well worth it in the end. Also, pick your judge if you can. Ask around for their reputations. Some tend to lean more toward one spouse over the other. Ask lots of questions.

Do not let the attorneys bully you. Do no be afraid to let the judge settle things if you don't feel comfortable w/ the way negotiations are heading. Don't settle for less for the sake of settling. When stating your case, put your children first (don't sound greedy). They will need regular support, help for school clothes and supplies in August, help w/ Christmas and B-days, full medical and dental (not all insurance covers dental), help w/ co-pays and deductibles, help w/ the mortgage (ok, that one is stretching a little, but you can always ask). You get the idea.

You are going into battle. (No easy way of putting it) This will probably be one of the worst battles you will ever face. Keep strong. Find a support group. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
 

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