Do You Do More for Your Children Than Your Parents Did for You?

[disney junky]

I find that we did and still do, kids grown with grandkids....

 

[ronandannette]

I find that we did and still do, kids grown with grandkids....

Nope, quite a bit less actually now that they’re adults. It’s because we all live quite far apart and can’t be a part of each other’s daily lives. We also have our own commitments and priorities - my own parents were willing and able to drop everything if one of their kids (or even grandkids) needed them.

OTOH, when our DS was a child I’d say we did more for him in some ways but only because there were more opportunities (I’m thinking here of technological advances, sports and recreation, choices for his education and chances to travel).

I’ve also only based this on myself and my parents because DH had a difficult upbringing.

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

Yes, certainly, but in various different ways.

My parents both had full time jobs and my dad worked 8-10 hours almost every Sat as well. Even after my parents divorced, and it was our visitation weekends, he still worked 8-10 hours on Sat. Dad had to be at work before school started, so I had to wake my brother up, get breakfast, get dressed and wait by the mailbox for the carpool pick up.

Not that any harm ever came of it, but by the time I was 12, I was cooking dinner, watching my siblings, doing household laundry, making lunches, taking my siblings to the park, etc. We stayed home by ourselves all summer long. I cannot ever remember a time where my parents helped me study or look at my school work, maybe every so often mom would proof read an essay or typing assignment, but that was the extent of the involvement.

I am a Homemaker, and I feel like we treat our kids fairly relative to their ages and expect progression over the years.
I do help my kids stay on track with school studies and assignments, but that is also in part that there is much more communication between parents & teachers. I can only encourage them, I'm not going to do it for them though. I will help them think of ways they can help themselves, but I'm not going to lay it all out for them.

They do have expected chores and household contributions. I will remind our 10 year old it's time to do his laundry, but he has to sort and load it into the machines, then he lets me know and I'll set the dials, my 11 year old can do it mostly on his own and I fully expect my 17 year old to do all of her laundry without being told. But I don't expect any of the kids to gather & sort, and wash & dry, and fold & put away mine & DH clothes, but I sure was expected to when I was a kid.

Yes, my kids are all plenty capable to making their own breakfast or packing their own lunch, but I will help them make good choices as what to put in there.

My parents certainly never saved any money for college or helped me apply anywhere or helped me fill out my admissions paperwork, we are def helping DD17 apply

 

[lorimay]

Yes, 100%

We have allowed both of our children to live in our home after marriage rent free so that they could save to purchase their own homes instead of paying rent.
I wish we were given that opportunity as newlyweds.

 

[cabanafrau]

Some ways yes, some ways no. I think we're like most people, do the best we're able that we know to do and hope for the best.

 

[aprilchem]

No. My mom did everything for us - when I left home to go to college I had never cooked a meal, done a load of laundry, picked up after myself, cleaned ANYTHING at all. I didn't now how to budget,grocery shop, had never really gone into a store and bought anything, etc. It was a STEEP learning curve, because I didn't go back home after that first year and lived on my own. I had to figure it all out on my own.

We have gone the opposite direction, and at 12 my son can do all of the above. He and his brother go to the store for me every weekend with a list and make purchases. He can clean his room, cook a meal, do laundry, etc.

 

[RedAngie]

Some ways less, other ways more, but overall about the same.

 

[soccerdad72]

A little more and a little less, depending on the tasks (and the kid) in question.

 

[Southernmiss]

Yes and no.

Earlier years, my kids did more than we did growing up. High school and college years, we have been more involved than my mom was and than DHs parents were involved in his life.

Household tasks-my kids do more than we did growing up. Early school years, kids were mostly on their own for getting work done, etc.

Helping with college and education beyond high school, we help a lot more than my mom did/DHs parents did. 35 years ago, getting into and staying in college was not the endeavor that it is now. Things in the real world are much more expensive now than 35 years ago. My minimum wage entry level bank job at $3.35 an hour went a lot further than today's $7.75 minimum wage job. DH and I both were able to work our way through college with no debt-tuition reimbursement from my employer and DH was in the Army Reserves and worked part time jobs in restaurants. No student loans for us. Our kids-no way. College is now over $12,000 per semester at the "cheap" school oldest DS went to and much more expensive at the state flagship where 2 younger ones are now. They all got scholarships to go. Otherwise, they would have done community college and transferred after 2 years like DH and I did. But our kids will have a much stronger educational footing when they graduate college and their earning potential starting out will be greater than DH and I after 30 plus years in the work force.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

I find that we did and still do, kids grown with grandkids....

Yes, in some ways. My dad kicked me out at 15 for "having sex" (and I wasn't!!! I was a good girl until 3 months after I turned 16.) Lived with my sister for over a year. Moved back in with my dad and watched his girlfriend's kids while the two of them worked as long haul truck drivers. He kicked me out again at almost 18 when I found out I was pregnant. We worked things out after DD#1 was born, for about 6 months, and I was once again living with him to watch those kids...and he kicked me out again (with DD and xH) because it was "too tense" when they came home. He and I didn't reconnect for another 6 years.

I've never turned away from my kids, even when they were in their "difficult" years. We weren't as close as we could have been, but we were still there if they really needed us.


I have never expected my older kids to raise the younger. Help out, yes; babysit occasionally, yes. Learn how to cook and clean and run a household, yes. But I've never left them to run a household and manage kids on their own for weeks at a time. Never made them carry the dirty clothes 8 blocks to wash them, or grocery shop and carry the food 6 city blocks home. Or give up their after school activities to raise someone else's kids.

 

[kimblebee]

LIke others, yes and no.

We aren’t able to go on trips like my family did when I was growing up. We are able to have a laid back environment more than when I was growing up. My daughter knows she can talk to me about anything with no secrets or judgement. I definitely didn’t feel that growing up.

 

[brooke789]

Not that any harm ever came of it, but by the time I was 12, I was cooking dinner, watching my siblings, doing household laundry, making lunches, taking my siblings to the park, etc. We stayed home by ourselves all summer long. I cannot ever remember a time where my parents helped me study or look at my school work, maybe every so often mom would proof read an essay or typing assignment, but that was the extent of the involvement.

This is very much how I grew up, except I was the youngest. From the time I was in 2nd grade my sister and I were always just on our own. Walked home from school and stayed home alone until my Mom got home from work. Spent summer at home by ourselves. We cooked our own meals, did our own laundry, responsible for getting ourselves up and ready for school. We did all of the household cleaning..in fact I quite like cleaning so I'd even get up early on Saturday mornings and organize cabinets etc before we cooked my mom's breakfast and served it to her in bed.

When I was in high school she'd started dating and my sister and I often had the whole house to ourselves for the whole weekend...and let me just tell you that is not a good idea. We're lucky we survived...

I'm definitely not raising my children that way, but I'm also not in the same situation as my mom (single mom and attending college). My oldest are 7 and while they have responsibilities around the house they just get to be kids.

 

[Klayfish]

I think we're like most people, do the best we're able that we know to do and hope for the best.

I very much agree with this. This is exactly how we parent, which I'm sure is a lot like others. I don't mean it to sound harsh in any way, but my honest feeling is I don't really care if it's more or less than my parents did for me. Like cabanafrau, DW and I do the best we can and hope it's the right thing and is enough. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, and the very few things I do remember are viewed from the perspective of the child me, not the adult me, so it's probably not accurate anyway.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Yes, I do much more. Mostly because my mom was bipolar and barely functioning. When she was called on to, say, pick us up from school to go to a doctor's appointment, she complained the whole time. She was a miserable person--mostly not her fault--and her unhappiness made her a crappy mom.

I try very hard to not let my children feel like they're burdens at all. I do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and driving them around. The kids do have chores and are expected to pitch in. I also try to be much more emotionally involved in their lives than my parents were, but again, the bar is pretty low.

 

[mjkacmom]

No. My mom did everything for us - when I left home to go to college I had never cooked a meal, done a load of laundry, picked up after myself, cleaned ANYTHING at all. I didn't now how to budget,grocery shop, had never really gone into a store and bought anything, etc. It was a STEEP learning curve, because I didn't go back home after that first year and lived on my own. I had to figure it all out on my own.

We have gone the opposite direction, and at 12 my son can do all of the above. He and his brother go to the store for me every weekend with a list and make purchases. He can clean his room, cook a meal, do laundry, etc.

How did you not ever buy anything? I had never done laundry, done any cleaning except vacuuming and dusting (which I got paid for), had never grocery shopped, but I went plenty of places with my friends, mall, restaurants, away for the weekend...

My parents did a lot for me, I do find myself driving my kids places where I used to walk. My college kids do most things on their own, applications, tuition payment, classes, books - I do know ds19 needs to pick another class, just because he’s home and keeps mentioning it. Dd21 just finished up her undergrad and will be starting her masters, ds asked me if she minored in anything, I have no idea (accounting major).

 

[Deb & Bill]

My parents helped my siblings and me as much as possible. We have one son and we help him whenever he needs it. Between the two of us we have more funds than my parents had, so we can afford to do more for him. Basically, we are spending his inheritance now rather than later when we hope he won't need as much help financially.

 

[cabanafrau]

How did you not ever buy anything? I had never done laundry, done any cleaning except vacuuming and dusting (which I got paid for), had never grocery shopped, but I went plenty of places with my friends, mall, restaurants, away for the weekend...

My parents did a lot for me, I do find myself driving my kids places where I used to walk. My college kids do most things on their own, applications, tuition payment, classes, books - I do know ds19 needs to pick another class, just because he’s home and keeps mentioning it. Dd21 just finished up her undergrad and will be starting her masters, ds asked me if she minored in anything, I have no idea (accounting major).

One of my daughters has a good friend and former roommate from college that never knew her bio father and had a mother with various mental disorders. When they roomed together in the dorm DD simply assumed her friend had a lower standard of cleanliness and that's why she never cleaned. It wasn't until they briefly lived together in a house full of friends that this friend finally confided in my daughter that she did not know how to do the chores assigned to her on the schedule and that's why she'd been skipping out on them and making everyone angry with her. My daughter started showing her how to do various chores and started to teach her a bit about cooking. When she graduated she was lucky enough to get a good job across the country, but was overwhelmed by taking everything on all alone. My daughter helped her make a list of all of the necessities she would need to set up house, along with suggestions of things to add as time went on. She ended up walking her through picking out a work wardrobe and addressing laundering the clothes over a lot of Facetime sessions. My daughter hadn't realized her friend actually didn't know how to do laundry because her friend was washing her clothes the whole time they were roommates, so she assumed that was something her friend knew how to do. She hadn't factored in that her friend literally wore jeans with black T shirts and black hoodies almost every single day.

The mom had serious issues and had deliberately sabotaged her daughter learning any and every lifeskill she could possibly prevent. All the while she was telling her daughter that she would never get along without mom there to take care of her. Very sad situation that caused the daughter tremendous amounts of needless stress and anxiety.

 

[dish rag]

It's hard to say. I've done a lot for mine. But haven't in some time. They are set up quite well and never ask or seem to need any favors. My parents do a lot for us, even for their age. We are gone a lot so rely for them for many things, and they take care of them for us and never take repayment. My wife does a lot for my parents when she is in town. And if not they know that she would be on the very first plane to Orlando to do whatever needed done. So it's a give and take I guess. But I could never re pay, or out do my parents for all they have done. I have very good parents and know that I am very lucky.

 

[mco65]

My parents NEVER took me to WDW and I have taken my kids 21 times!!!
Aside from that.. I haven't really been keeping score... My instincts tell me that my parents did more for me than i could ever do for my kids but like I said, i forgot to keep score.

 

[cabanafrau]

If nothing else, my kids are probably pretty experienced in making lemonade.