Everything I knew about myself has been broke

Piglet843

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jan 18, 2006
I am a mother, a wife, and a full time employee.

I am independent, strong, great at my job, I do my dangest to fulfill my hubbies needs, and every ounce of what I have left I give to my kid. That's exactly how I want it. Life is good.

But, I have harbored resentment towards my husband for a while now. I have even posted on here about it before. He stays up very late, sleeps in, is away doing his hobbies several times a week, naps (even after sleeping in) on the weekends instead of playing with us or helping out. Doesn't help out unless I specifically ask for something. He's got the good life. I am jealous.
Apparently though - its not his fault - its mine.

Last night - we got a sitter for a couple hours. Wine tasting and dinner. Well, on the way back home, I had apparently had just enough wine that I thought I'd speak openly. I told him my concerns and how I don't feel like he appreciates me or understands how hard it is on me. I told him - he gets time for himself all the time. He has 4-5 hours everynight where he's just doing whatever - tv, games, phone... I don't get a second to myself. I even stay up late on his hours to meet his needs, but still have to get up early with the kid and to go to work/school. Every waking second I have is Kid, Job, Kid, him, house & responsibilities...

He had the nerve to tell me that its my own fault. That I don't ask for help or ask for time to myself or ask to go out or get a way for a bit. And you can't help someone who wont help themselves - right? That's when I quit talking and just cried the rest of the way home.

So today I am broke. I am tired and angry - and I see now that its all my own fault that I've made myself this way instead of asking for help or asking for some me time.

I don't want to be around my child any less than I already am. I work 8-9 hour days M-F. My evenings and my weekends with him are our time and I cherish that more than anything. I don't want to just farm him out.
But I'm not fixing anything by harboring anger towards my husband for what he has that I don't.

So, can anyone help guide me on the path I need to take from here.
How do I fix this? How do I fix me?

Fire Away - it won't hurt any worse that what hubby said.
 
Not knowing the whole story, he MAY have a point - to an extent. If you’ve never made any effort to get away or expressed such a desire, he may be oblivious (and yeah, that’s on him too). Demand some “me time” for yourself and see what happens.

A lot of people take on the martyr role, particularly mothers. They complain about being the only one who can get it all done, but they resist every attempt from the others in the house to actually help. If you insist on being in charge of everything, you’re kind of stuck with all the downsides of that.

I don’t think that’s entirely the case here, but it might at least be a factor.

Bottom line, put your foot down and see how he reacts. If he steps up, then you need to acknowledge that he has done so. If he doesn’t, then it’s another story.

Good luck.
 
Was his tone hostile or concerned? If he’s willing to get on board with changes in how your household runs, that’s half the battle. You perpetually “covering all the bases” has meant that he didn’t have to. Many men don’t rise naturally to their responsibilities if they feel like they have to compete with their wives to do so.

Is your relationship good enough in other ways that you feel you can work on this on your own? If so, schedule some time away for just the two of you - preferably a weekend. Spend the first day just enjoying each other without a heavy agenda. On day two, when you’re relaxed and feeling close, discuss a reasonable “chore chart” that takes some things off your plate and gets him helping. DON’T make it too drastic at first - ease into it and remember you need to figure out what you’re going to do with your new-found spare time. Here are a few pitfalls you’ll need to navigate around:
  • Him not doing things the exact way you do. Don’t become hyper-critical or go around behind him re-doing things. Release some control - I sense this may be a bigger challenge for you than you realize.
  • You feeling guilty or unproductive and gradually gravitating back to your former pattern. Find something to do that’s nourishing and positive, even if it’s only taking a bubble bath or texting with friends.
  • Don’t obsess about your kid - he really doesn’t need every waking moment of either yours or your husband’s time. A happy, relaxed family atmosphere is more important. Trust me on this.

If you don’t feel confident to handle this together without conflict, seriously consider counselling, where a 3rd party can bring objective clarity and hold you both accountable for your progress. I wish you all well. :flower3:
 
If I were you I would ask him to sit down with you tonight so you both can split the chores up between you. He didn't say he wasn't willing to help, so see what he is willing to do. You might find that he jumps right on board. Talk about family priorities such as time with your child, time together and time for each of you to pursue your on interests.
Another important, but very difficult part of this is when he begins helping. Let him do the chores his way. You can explain how you like it, but often times we will get after our spouses for not helping the "right way." If he folds clothes differently then you, let him. We often discourage help because we nit-pick. I had to learn that many years ago in my marriage. I learned to appreciate the help and not worry about it being my way. Because of that, both my husband and my kids became more willing helpers. I will say, I get picky about how the clothes are folded - stupid, I know - so I am the only one who folds clothes but I never complain about it because it is my choice. Other things, I have learned to let go.

Hope that helps. Honest, kind communication between the two of you is the key.
 


Was his tone hostile or concerned? If he’s willing to get on board with changes in how your household runs, that’s half the battle. You perpetually “covering all the bases” has meant that he didn’t have to. Many men don’t rise naturally to their responsibilities if they feel like they have to compete with their wives to do so.

Is your relationship good enough in other ways that you feel you can work on this on your own? If so, schedule some time away for just the two of you - preferably a weekend. Spend the first day just enjoying each other without a heavy agenda. On day two, when you’re relaxed and feeling close, discuss a reasonable “chore chart” that takes some things off your plate and gets him helping. DON’T make it too drastic at first - ease into it and remember you need to figure out what you’re going to do with your new-found spare time. Here are a few pitfalls you’ll need to navigate around:
  • Him not doing things the exact way you do. Don’t become hyper-critical or go around behind him re-doing things. Release some control - I sense this may be a bigger challenge for you than you realize.
  • You feeling guilty or unproductive and gradually gravitating back to your former pattern. Find something to do that’s nourishing and positive, even if it’s only taking a bubble bath or texting with friends.
  • Don’t obsess about your kid - he really doesn’t need every waking moment of either yours or your husband’s time. A happy, relaxed family atmosphere is more important. Trust me on this.

If you don’t feel confident to handle this together without conflict, seriously consider counselling, where a 3rd party can bring objective clarity and hold you both accountable for your progress. I wish you all well. :flower3:
This. Except I would recommend counseling now. You don't want to wait too long and/or make it worse. Don't consider it as fixing your marriage, consider it as strengthening your marriage.
 
I am a mother, a wife, and a full time employee.

I am independent, strong, great at my job, I do my dangest to fulfill my hubbies needs, and every ounce of what I have left I give to my kid. That's exactly how I want it. Life is good.

But, I have harbored resentment towards my husband for a while now. I have even posted on here about it before. He stays up very late, sleeps in, is away doing his hobbies several times a week, naps (even after sleeping in) on the weekends instead of playing with us or helping out. Doesn't help out unless I specifically ask for something. He's got the good life. I am jealous.
Apparently though - its not his fault - its mine.

Last night - we got a sitter for a couple hours. Wine tasting and dinner. Well, on the way back home, I had apparently had just enough wine that I thought I'd speak openly. I told him my concerns and how I don't feel like he appreciates me or understands how hard it is on me. I told him - he gets time for himself all the time. He has 4-5 hours everynight where he's just doing whatever - tv, games, phone... I don't get a second to myself. I even stay up late on his hours to meet his needs, but still have to get up early with the kid and to go to work/school. Every waking second I have is Kid, Job, Kid, him, house & responsibilities...

He had the nerve to tell me that its my own fault. That I don't ask for help or ask for time to myself or ask to go out or get a way for a bit. And you can't help someone who wont help themselves - right? That's when I quit talking and just cried the rest of the way home.

So today I am broke. I am tired and angry - and I see now that its all my own fault that I've made myself this way instead of asking for help or asking for some me time.

I don't want to be around my child any less than I already am. I work 8-9 hour days M-F. My evenings and my weekends with him are our time and I cherish that more than anything. I don't want to just farm him out.
But I'm not fixing anything by harboring anger towards my husband for what he has that I don't.

So, can anyone help guide me on the path I need to take from here.
How do I fix this? How do I fix me?

Fire Away - it won't hurt any worse that what hubby said.

Doing my part to uphold the law of "The Rule." :) It's a shame it all came to a head like this but I don't think you're broken.:hug: Men and women are just wired differently. Women will do a lot for others,often putting themselves last. Men wouldn't necessarily want it that way, they just don't notice. So maybe you can use this situation to change a few things but that's only on you up to a point--he's going to have to help make the changes. Hopefully you can start to feel better and he'll start to look for ways he can assume more responsibilities and give you more breathing room. This is fixable provided that he can get on-board with making some changes.
 
I have been in your position, and it's a really tough spot to be in.

First, please know that even if your behavior caused your husband to assume that you don't mind being the default caregiver, homemaker, and organizer, that doesn't mean that you need fixing. It simply means that you should, as previous posters suggest, try altering your behavior to be more direct about your needs.

I don't know if your situation is the same as mine once was, but learning how to advocate for my own needs was not an easy process for me. I saw a therapist and started to make changes is very small increments. For example, I started being direct about my wishes in really small, low stakes, situations, such as where I wanted to eat on the weekend, or how I wanted to structure my time away from work, and then worked up from there. It's a lot like starting a new exercise routine: You don't go from sedentary to marathon running in an instant, and your progress doesn't always move at the pace you want, but you count even the smallest stride as a victory.

Whether or not these changes will help your marriage, I can't say. However, I can say that learning how to be more direct will certainly be a skill that helps you have a more fulfilling future, with or without your husband.
 


I am a mother of 2 kids under 5, work full time, and have a 1 hr commute each way. I had a breakdown 2 weeks ago because my husband was complaining about the state of the house. I told him I needed help, I get no me time between working, driving taking care of the kids, and trying to stay ahead of household chores. I said I wanted a Cleaning lady, he fought me on it, saying “we” could do it ourselves. I told him we could, but I didn’t want to. I want to spend my free time with my kids, him, and taking time for me. The Cleaning company came on Monday. The house looks spectacular and last night my husband, daughter, and I spent 30 minutes coloring together after all the daily chores were done. I finally made the decision and communicated it that my time is valuable, and I needed to make changes to allow me to take care of myself.
 
Well, there's certainly truth to "we teach people how to treat us", but that doesn't let him off the hook. I know, really know, how easy it as a woman, wife and mom to put everyone else's needs first and foremost. Society tells us that good wives and good moms are super women and they do it all. But, in my experience, a long and happy marriage can't happen when only one person is putting in all the effort. In my opinion, your husband is acting like your second child. It's not just bad for your marriage, but it seems like he's missing out on being an engaged and active parent with your child.
It's time for 2 adults to have an adult conversation about marriage. Do it now before he's your EX-HUSBAND telling you that he doesn't spend time with his kids because you're not FORCING him to (true story).
 
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I agree with every poster here! Men are the opposite of mind readers! If I want DH to do something, I tell him. Lists work great, too. He never says no, but a lot of the time, wouldn’t think to do it on his own. I’m a SAHM, but can get resentful on weekends, when he’s off from work, and I’m still cooking, cleaning, doing laundry... I’m not going to ask him to clean a bathroom, but he can go to the store, or empty a dishwasher. I told the kids that if anything ever happens to be, within one year, our house would look like an episode of hoarders.

I’ve also learned, many times, that having important discussions (or online shopping) isn’t a good idea after several glasses of wine!
 
You need to start communicating with your DH so he knows what you need help with and when you need time to yourself. You might also try telling him that you are going out on Saturday for a few hours and he has the kids. It really doesn't matter if you really have anything to do, just go - sit in a park or wander through your favorite stores. Make it clear that unless there is a true emergency, he can't call you while it is your time. Also start to go to bed when you need to rather than waiting on him. He's an adult and should be responsible for himself. Plan family time that requires him to be a part of. It will take time to break the bad habits your family has but it can be done. Good luck!
 
OP - I'm sorry you are going thru this. The speed at which you internalized what he said and are now blaming yourself is a concern to me. If it is at all possible I would recommend counseling.

As for men not being mind readers, I consider that excuse to mainly be a copout. Of course, everyone needs to be direct with expressing what their needs are. But why is it acceptable for the default male position to be "i'm not gonna do anything unless my wife specifically tells me directly that she needs me to do it". I feel like we have such an easy time blaming the wife for taking control or "not expressing her needs" and never look at the husband and ask why he isn't paying better attention. Why isn't he offering to help or step in? Why is his laziness being accepted? He has eyes, he can look and see that laundry needs to be done or the floor washed or the dishes put away the same as the wife can, and he should be expected to help out when he sees that something needs to be done, not only when his wife specifically says "can you wash the floor."
 
I think you are on the right track in the conversation you had last night even though you feel awful about it today. It is time to take the next step.

First off, what are your husbands current responsibilities? Does he have a job, if so how many hours does his work/commute take? If it is about the same as yours then you can work on EQUALLY dividing the household chores. Make a an actual PAPER LIST of what you each are responsible for at home and hold him to his end. If he says you don't tell him what you need him to do, then tell him. He has no excuse them to shirk household tasks.

If you decide you want to pay somebody to do things so you have more time, they do that. Housework, yardwork, babysitting so you can have some leisure time.

Honestly, your husband sounds spoiled, but you have allowed him to be. If he is not willing to do his part, I would stop doing things for him so you can focus on getting your own needs met, otherwise the resentment will continue to grow and choke your marriage.
 
I agree with every poster here! Men are the opposite of mind readers! If I want DH to do something, I tell him. Lists work great, too. He never says no, but a lot of the time, wouldn’t think to do it on his own. I’m a SAHM, but can get resentful on weekends, when he’s off from work, and I’m still cooking, cleaning, doing laundry... I’m not going to ask him to clean a bathroom, but he can go to the store, or empty a dishwasher. I told the kids that if anything ever happens to be, within one year, our house would look like an episode of hoarders.

I’ve also learned, many times, that having important discussions (or online shopping) isn’t a good idea after several glasses of wine!
It does sound like OP kind of blindsided her husband during date night. (I'm not saying I haven't done the same thing a time or two)
 
In all honesty you said an awful lot when you stated you give "every ounce of what's left" to your child, and that's how you like it and then you went on to say that you really don't want to be away from your child anymore than you must because of work. You don't mention the age of your child but my guess would be somewhere in the toddler years at the most. That kind of attitude can not only be a marriage killer, but it can lead to unintended consequences for your child. It's time to get on the same page with your husband, formulate a means by which he helps shoulder more of the household chores and spends more time with your child as well. Some of that can be accomplished by all of you spending more time as a family, which is wonderful for all of you. There should be some regular time set aside for you and your husband, maybe two date nights per month to start, and you should be involving yourself regularly in a hobby or activity of your own -- preferably one which places you in your own social circle, which you will discover to be a lifesaver of its own as the years go by.
 
Your husband is right. You are the one enabling him to live "the good life" while you run around like a chicken with its head cut off. That's a typical "mom/wife" thing. I do it too. I'm a SAHM and I literally do EVERYTHING to keep the house running.

The difference is, I DEMAND time off and I take it, and DH supports it. We are parents to special needs kids so "date nights" are rare. So, we split up and spend time with friends or solo doing things we love (for me, going to Disneyland BY MYSELF once in awhile, going with friends, going to movies or dinner with girlfriends, etc). For him, he goes to Beer Festivals with the guys from work, goes on snowboarding weekends, baseball games, random bar nights, etc.

Every time HE gets a night off, I get one too. We try and keep this as close to 50/50 as possible. This way, neither feels resentment or like one is always home with the kids while the other is out having fun. We have been doing this since our oldest was born almost 14 years ago. Every other year, I simply take off for an entire week vacation with my sister and best friend. This makes up for the inherent imbalance caused by my husband's work travel and field exercises where he is gone for weeks at a time (military).

OP, you need to find a better balance and not beat yourself up for time away from your child or husband. You need to take care of YOU before you can take care of anyone else. If you fall apart, it all falls apart. Your husband, by saying what he said, appears to be open to letting you have some time to yourself too. So, tell him what you need and then follow through!

Sometimes, my husband gets into a lazy pattern too. When that happens, I purposely leave some errands and housework for the weekend (I typically take care of everything during the week, so to my husband, it magically appears as though everything gets cleaned, restocked, and put in order by elves overnight). Yesterday was a random day off for him so since the kids are on spring break, we spent the day running errands...Costco, Target, Grocery Store, car wash, post office, trip to base for new ID cards. My husband was DYING by 2pm (we started at 10am) because he was "so tired." I was like, "welcome to my daily life." He passed out hard on the couch when we got home. When he woke up, he said "that sucked." I just laughed and said "still want to be a stay at home dad?" (something he jokingly says a lot, because he assumes it means he can play video games all day while the kids are at school). He was like "no, I'm good."

Sometimes men just don't realize how much we are responsible for. I blame it on their mothers....and I'm guilty as a mom of sons who has a hard time making them do things they are capable of, because I like doing things for them. But, yeah, yesterday I realized I should probably teach my 12 year old how to make his own PB&J because HE'S TWELVE. In my head, he's still a little boy who needs me to make his lunch every day. But he's not.
 
I had to start asking DH to do things that I normally did. 'Can you do X for me?' He always says yes. What I've had to learn over the past 25 years is to not expect it to be done MY way and to accept however he does it. It may irritate me but I've had to let it go.

Some men have blinders and they have to be told when housework needs to be done. They think if you aren't saying anything you must be good.

I agree about finding something for yourself, even if it's once a month to do that you enjoy. This will give Dad and child special bonding time too.
 
OP - I'm sorry you are going thru this. The speed at which you internalized what he said and are now blaming yourself is a concern to me. If it is at all possible I would recommend counseling.

As for men not being mind readers, I consider that excuse to mainly be a copout. Of course, everyone needs to be direct with expressing what their needs are. But why is it acceptable for the default male position to be "i'm not gonna do anything unless my wife specifically tells me directly that she needs me to do it". I feel like we have such an easy time blaming the wife for taking control or "not expressing her needs" and never look at the husband and ask why he isn't paying better attention. Why isn't he offering to help or step in? Why is his laziness being accepted? He has eyes, he can look and see that laundry needs to be done or the floor washed or the dishes put away the same as the wife can, and he should be expected to help out when he sees that something needs to be done, not only when his wife specifically says "can you wash the floor."

Honestly, some men are just that oblivious. For real. It really usually comes down to how their own mother ran the house and how much they were expected to do growing up. My husband's mother absolutely smothered her sons and enabled them. My husband left for college at 17 with NO IDEA how to do laundry, cook anything, buy clothes, clean house, grocery shop, balance a checkbook, etc. He had been catered to his whole life. His brother lived at home until age 32, for no reason other than my MIL didn't want him to move out. He moved out but she STILL pays his cell phone and car insurance. She has a very hard time "cutting the cord." When we got married at age 22, she told my parents "This is the saddest day of my life. I'm losing my son."

It is no wonder some men end up expecting their wives to run the show and literally don't know what it takes to do so. My husband has gotten WAY better over the years because I am NOT his mother and I made that clear from the get go. He is fully capable of doing everything I do (except cook...he is not a good cook), but he sometimes slips into the lazy mode and has to be pulled out.
 
OP - I'm sorry you are going thru this. The speed at which you internalized what he said and are now blaming yourself is a concern to me. If it is at all possible I would recommend counseling.

As for men not being mind readers, I consider that excuse to mainly be a copout. Of course, everyone needs to be direct with expressing what their needs are. But why is it acceptable for the default male position to be "i'm not gonna do anything unless my wife specifically tells me directly that she needs me to do it". I feel like we have such an easy time blaming the wife for taking control or "not expressing her needs" and never look at the husband and ask why he isn't paying better attention. Why isn't he offering to help or step in? Why is his laziness being accepted? He has eyes, he can look and see that laundry needs to be done or the floor washed or the dishes put away the same as the wife can, and he should be expected to help out when he sees that something needs to be done, not only when his wife specifically says "can you wash the floor."

I think you make a fair point, but there’s always another side to things. Sure, maybe he can see the laundry needs to be put away, but maybe he just doesn’t really care that it gets put away RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Or, maybe he doesn’t care for her hovering over him while he does it.

My wife has taken 5 overnight/weekend trips with her girlfriends since the beginning of the school year and each time has come home to a house that’s in better shape than when she left. That doesn’t mean there weren’t dirty dishes on the table overnight or piles of laundry in random places during her absence though. There were.
 

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