Everything I knew about myself has been broke

[smiths02]

I should add, I may have missed where you DH might work late and that is why you have to stay up late? Anyhow, I have a friend who worked 8-4:30pm plus commute and her DH worked 3-11pm. Anyhow, for a time she would take a nap so she could be awake when he got home and they would have time together then. Once her child was old enough that she couldn't nap in the early evenings...she just went to bed early and woke up when he got home to spend time with him for an hour or so.

 

[smiths02]

I get some of the anger at the mind reader stuff. Some other thoughts I have after reading more posts.

It might not be that he is not a mind reader, but just that he is set thinking everything is okay and that you have it handled. And the child is 4? IME, younger children are just more mommy focused (and I think there is some biological reason behind that even if it is "2018").
For my DH, it took me crying and getting upset for him to realize that I didn't have it handled. It also helped when I just really couldn't handle it after I had twins. I just could not do it alone anymore...when two babies are crying he can't sleep in I am not suggesting you have more children, but I read a study that people with 4 children or more are happier. Now, I am set with my 3, but I think we can learn that we sometimes do too much.

Talk to DH. Tell him what you need him to do. Also try not to do too much.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I get some of the anger at the mind reader stuff. Some other thoughts I have after reading more posts.

It might not be that he is not a mind reader, but just that he is set thinking everything is okay and that you have it handled. And the child is 4? IME, younger children are just more mommy focused (and I think there is some biological reason behind that even if it is "2018").
For my DH, it took me crying and getting upset for him to realize that I didn't have it handled. It also helped when I just really couldn't handle it after I had twins. I just could not do it alone anymore...when two babies are crying he can't sleep in I am not suggesting you have more children, but I read a study that people with 4 children or more are happier. Now, I am set with my 3, but I think we can learn that we sometimes do too much.

Talk to DH. Tell him what you need him to do. Also try not to do too much.

That's basically what I meant with my comment on the first or second page.

 

[HannaBelle]

Been there, done that. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time, but maybe this conversation, as painful as it was, will help to turn things around in a way that allows more of your needs to be met, and opens the lines of communication with your spouse.

I recommend counseling, both with your husband and on your own if possible, as they are really very different. For me, the individual counseling was so critical to my own mental health. I learned so much about myself, how I process things and react, and how I can do better in all my relationships by allowing for more understanding, and by making an effort to see that there may be more than one side, or way to see a problem (I had previously been a very black/white thinker and it was not healthy). Marriage counseling helped my husband and I learn how truly different we are as people, and that we process things completely differently, something that is obvious and a given to me, may not be so obvious to him, and vice versa. I feel like I now approach the world with so much more grace and understanding, and I am happier for it.

I learned that I have to let go how some things are done if I want DH to do them, he has his own way of doing certain chores, and if I want him to do them I have to be willing to allow him to do them his way and also on his timeline (within reason of course, but we usually agree to a time by which we want to have certain things accomplished and then I just need to let it go and trust he will get it done by that time).

I learned that we have a different tolerance for mess, if something is bothering me because it is messy, it may not be bothering him yet as it isn't at his threshold, so I either need to let him know that it is bothering me and ask for help, or do it myself because I am the one bothered, but if I do it myself I cannot hold it against him.

I have learned that there are things I love doing, such as cooking and packing that I take on 100%, and it is OK if he doesn't help me with those things, because I enjoy it. Our balance of home responsibilities is not 50/50, but that's fine because I have much more time at home than he does, and I make sure to take on things I enjoy, and then try and split or let go of those things that I do not.

I have also learned that if I am asking him to help more around the house, that I may be getting less 1:1 time with him because time is not infinite. So there are times that it still makes more sense for me to take on a boring household task, so that I can get more dedicated time with my husband doing something that we enjoy, but that's my choice and I cannot be mad at him if I am taking that on.

Getting into an exercise routine really helped too, taking a bit of time for myself each day is worth it.

Hugs.

First, I agree 100% with this post.

Second, OP I am so so sorry. Been there and done that, got the t-shirt.

My very best advice I learned on "Jon and Kate Plus 8" if you can believe it! When he sees I am busy/frustrated/doing something his job is to ask me "What can I do to help?" My job is not not act like Kate.

I am not saying that is your situation, but it was spot on for us and we only have 2 kids!

He does not see what I see and I had to understand that. He is not a mind reader and I have a hard time asking for help. I feel very supported and cared for when he asks me that simple question. It has made a huge difference for us.

Good luck!!!

 

[sk!mom]

Since you blindsided him on a date after some wine, I would set a time for a more rational, less emotionally charged conversation. To be perfectly honest, many (possibly most) of us in committed relationships have had a similar situation and had to work through it calmly so that both could be happy. Your thread title suggests a level of histrionics that suggest the wine may have still been talking. If not, then definitely seek counseling for yourself.

You and your DH, need to sit down and divide the home chores. In my experience, each takes full responsibility of whatever they take on and the other butts out of those- no directing, nagging, etc. Personal example, I cook, DH cleans up after, I do laundry, DH takes care of the yard, I clean the bathrooms, DH does the dusting and floors. We choose not to hire help.

As far as time for yourself, if you insist in spending all off time with your child then I don't know how you get that. Maybe that is what the counseling can address. I will say that you can't really mandate that your DH spends more time with your child. If he's happy and satisfied in that area, then possibly that is your issue and not his.

Best wishes. It can be difficult to find a satisfying balance when kids are added to the mix.

 

[Ariel484]

I'm sorry I should have clarified that. I meant farming him off to the grandparents in order to get me time or us time. I expect DH to want his time with our son. I am angry at him for his lack of effort to do so.

DH has not changed. He has always had his own schedule/timeline. He has never needed to carry more weight around the house. I knew that when I married him. But it was much easier for me to adjust and deal with before we had kids. What has changed is now we have a very high energy 4 year old, who does not sleep in and who I want DH to spend time with, and I also want DH to pick up more slack.
Sometimes it feels like he doesn't want to or isn't even trying to.
I do expect him to change now because our lives have changed.

I agree maybe I should put more into our marriage - like it used to be - but these days - a lot of time I don't want to - I feel like I am getting nothing in return. So I guess that is on me for not doing that. Something I will work on.

I absolutely think you should put more into your marriage.

This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately...husband and I are expecting our first kiddo. I have mentioned to husband more than once that while I am obviously incredibly excited to have a kid, I'm worried about how our marriage will change...to me, it's very important that our marriage/relationship not take a backseat to the kiddo. Maybe this isn't a realistic expectation, I don't know - but if there never was any me + husband, there wouldn't be a kid.

And the big thing - the kid will be in our house with us for 18ish years and then it's back to being just me and husband again. I read a thread on here awhile about about how long posters' marriages lasted before getting divorced, and quite a few people chose that they got divorced after 20ish years of marriage...the point came up that sometimes when you have a kid, you don't work on the marriage at all - you're just co-parents for 18 years (more if you have multiple kids) - or maybe more like roommates from what you're saying about your situation. Then the kid grows up and moves out, and suddenly you don't know how to be "just" a couple anymore. You don't know the person you married...you don't get along, you aren't compatible, etc.

So what I'm trying to say is - yes, I think you should send the kiddo to the grandparents' house every once in awhile. Yes, you should make your marriage a priority, and so should your husband (you're bothered that he doesn't want time with your son - does he want date nights? If no, doesn't THAT bother you?)...because while it sounds like (from what you say) he isn't being an A+ husband, it also sounds like you don't even like or respect him much now. What's going to happen when your son hears off to college in 14 years and it's just the two of you again?

It's important for your son to have an involved father, but I think it's just as important for him to be in a house with two parents who love and respect one another (the big reason why, in my case, I'm the one worried about the marriage stuff while my husband is not - his parents are about to celebrate 30 years of marriage. Mine divorced when I was...4 years old, and 30 years later it still affects my entire life).

 

[sk!mom]

He is not depressed - he is fine. He goes to bed at 2am and gets up at 9 or 10. That is not excess sleep. Its just ridiculous hours that he keeps because he always has - and I want him to be more on our hours - maybe sleep 10-7 or 11-8 and spend more waking time with us, especially on the weekends. And the fact that we've been married 15 years - and I've expressed this to him sooo many times and he still hasn't changed - that makes me sad. I would think he would want to for our Son!



Thank you for the tough love I do plan make changes.

This should be an easy change. Let him know that you need to split the weekend mornings. He needs to be up with child one of the days so that you get to sleep in or have a break. If you don’t like to sleep in then go get a pedi, schedule a brunch date with friends or hit the gym. This is a fair split, gives you time for yourself, and gives him some one on one time to bond more with your son.

So maybe your husband can establish a weekly (or bi weekly?) "Boy's night" with your son. They can go out for dinner (at age 4 pizza or fast food or pizza is usually a big hit, so it won't cost a lot) then to a park or bowling or home with plans to play Legos in the basement, etc and then DH handles bath and bedtime.

Meanwhile you just enjoy a chill night. Read, Get some take out. Drink some wine. Go to bed early if you want. . .

It sounds like your son will not be in school for another year or two. Can you change his sleep schedule so he sleeps later and your DH gets him ready in the mornings and off to daycare? Then you do pick up and dinner. Would reduce his total time in daycare, take pressure off of you AND be good bonding

Good ideas. My DH always had a later start time to work so he always handled morning drop off to day care and later school. My end Time was earlier so I always did pick ups. This too was a fair split. No need for me to be rushing around, getting kids up earlier than necessary, and adding to my already early morning. By the same token, no need for DH to rush out of work to pick kids up. We both enjoyed this one on one time with kids. DH would occasionally get around early enough for breakfast out. I’d occasionally stop for ice cream after school.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm sorry I should have clarified that. I meant farming him off to the grandparents in order to get me time or us time. I expect DH to want his time with our son. I am angry at him for his lack of effort to do so.

I would interject that a child spending time with grandparents is wonderful not farming out. I would encourage as much of that as grandparents enjoy.

 

[cabanafrau]

People mostly don't change. Many men act like helpless idiots. Most women want a man who knows how to treat them. My wife is my treasure. I would move on from him now. You eventually will any way.

Is there any way at all you could cut costs and stay home with your child? Working full time, running a household and trying to meet a child’s need is like working three jobs at once. Just being a stay at home Mom and running a household is more than enough. As much as everyone likes to think “you can have it all”, I would say sure you can but you will feel depleted, exhausted and often bitter or angry.

Considering OP has indicated she's considered the eventuality in comment number one is on the table, she would be both a foolish and reckless with her child's future, as well as her own, to consider SAHM as a valid solution in the situation. That has disastrous gamble written all over it.

 

[FindMeInFantasyland]

Been there and was prepared to live like "support staff" forever. Eventually after 10 yrs of marriage he realized how deeply hurtful it was and things improved.

As far as setting husband's up for failure or micromanaging etc just to be right; I cannot imagine who would do that! That's assuming that someone enjoys feeling overwhelmed and alone. Nope! Dismissing someone's feelings then accusing them of being malicious is just awful.

I think low-maintenance wives get overlooked just because we really don't need much of anything to be content in a relationship. I have friends that make demands on their spouses which is great for them but it's just not my style. That certainly does not mean I don't deserve respect and treated like a partner though.

Hang in there!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I absolutely think you should put more into your marriage.

This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately...husband and I are expecting our first kiddo. I have mentioned to husband more than once that while I am obviously incredibly excited to have a kid, I'm worried about how our marriage will change...to me, it's very important that our marriage/relationship not take a backseat to the kiddo. Maybe this isn't a realistic expectation, I don't know - but if there never was any me + husband, there wouldn't be a kid.

And the big thing - the kid will be in our house with us for 18ish years and then it's back to being just me and husband again. I read a thread on here awhile about about how long posters' marriages lasted before getting divorced, and quite a few people chose that they got divorced after 20ish years of marriage...the point came up that sometimes when you have a kid, you don't work on the marriage at all - you're just co-parents for 18 years (more if you have multiple kids) - or maybe more like roommates from what you're saying about your situation. Then the kid grows up and moves out, and suddenly you don't know how to be "just" a couple anymore. You don't know the person you married...you don't get along, you aren't compatible, etc.

So what I'm trying to say is - yes, I think you should send the kiddo to the grandparents' house every once in awhile. Yes, you should make your marriage a priority, and so should your husband (you're bothered that he doesn't want time with your son - does he want date nights? If no, doesn't THAT bother you?)...because while it sounds like (from what you say) he isn't being an A+ husband, it also sounds like you don't even like or respect him much now. What's going to happen when your son hears off to college in 14 years and it's just the two of you again?

It's important for your son to have an involved father, but I think it's just as important for him to be in a house with two parents who love and respect one another (the big reason why, in my case, I'm the one worried about the marriage stuff while my husband is not - his parents are about to celebrate 30 years of marriage. Mine divorced when I was...4 years old, and 30 years later it still affects my entire life).

A minister friend who does a lot of counseling says that he sees SOOOO many marriages in trouble around year 7 and years 17-20, both of which revolve around the children.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

A minister friend who does a lot of counseling says that he sees SOOOO many marriages in trouble around year 7 and years 17-20, both of which revolve around the children.

I believe this, but I don't really understand it. Having DS never really affected DH & my relationship. We would occasionally disagree on how to raise him, but it never affected our marriage. Honestly, I've never understood why people thought they needed time away from their kids to maintain a healthy marriage. I don't care what people do in their personal lives & no one needs to try to explain anything to me. It's none of my business. I just find it odd, because DH & I have consistently had the same high level of "chemistry" throughout our relationship. Having DS didn't change that. We found a way to have all the intimate time we needed. Again, I'm not judging anyone, but I will support any parent that wants to spend all their family time with their kids. That in itself will not cause a marriage to fail. In our experience, if you're really motivated to have "private" time, you will find a way to fit it in.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I believe this, but I don't really understand it. Having DS never really affected DH & my relationship. We would occasionally disagree on how to raise him, but it never affected our marriage. Honestly, I've never understood why people thought they needed time away from their kids to maintain a healthy marriage. I don't care what people do in their personal lives & no one needs to try to explain anything to me. It's none of my business. I just find it odd, because DH & I have consistently had the same high level of "chemistry" throughout our relationship. Having DS didn't change that. We found a way to have all the intimate time we needed. Again, I'm not judging anyone, but I will support any parent that wants to spend all their family time with their kids. That in itself will not cause a marriage to fail. In our experience, if you're really motivated to have alone time, you will find a way to fit it in.

That's us too. I'm no marriage expert, but I think if you're genuinely united in your priorities, that helps. If one spouse craves more adult time and the other craves more family time, that could breed resentment.

 

[cabanafrau]

My personal belief after seeing so many divorcing/divorced couples is that the top two biggest threats to marriage are money and mismatched goals/priorities/ambitions. It seems as if a good deal of the time the mismatch is caused by those who don't understand or know themselves very well and haven't given genuine thought to what they truly want out of life and as such don't tune in to more than what's on the surface when making the decision about a mate either.