Family shower issue. What would you do

[Dznypal]

In fall one of the girls my DD works with called to get names and address since they were planning a baby shower for DD. So I gave them names and address for our family .my niece has an 18month old DD I asked if it WS OK if she came too . which I was told that would be fine. So last night I get a text from my DDIL .saying that the girl I talked didnt have my phone # so that's why she texted DDIL anyways it seems now they don't want little kids at the shower. My 10 yr old DGD can come. But now the work friend wants me to call my niece and tell her that her DD is not invited. I don't knows why she didn't say anything about it to my niece when she called to rsvp but now I'm stuck in the middle I'm just wondering if my DD is allowed to bring my DGD . she's only 3. Just wondering what you think or how to handle this awarkward situation . thanks all

 

[ronandannette]

In fall one of the girls my DD works with called to get names and address since they were planning a baby shower for DD. So I gave them names and address for our family .my niece has an 18month old DD I asked if it WS OK if she came too . which I was told that would be fine. So last night I get a text from my DDIL .saying that the girl I talked didnt have my phone # so that's why she texted DDIL anyways it seems now they don't want little kids at the shower. My 10 yr old DGD can come. But now the work friend wants me to call my niece and tell her that her DD is not invited. I don't knows why she didn't say anything about it to my niece when she called to rsvp but now I'm stuck in the middle I'm just wondering if my DD is allowed to bring my DGD . she's only 3. Just wondering what you think or how to handle this awarkward situation . thanks all

I'd get back in touch with the organizer and/or hostess of this event immediately and let her know she needs to inform any guess that the party has been planned in mind of having no small children attend. Tell her you won't be delivering that news to anybody. You didn't invite them and you can't uninvite them. From there you can only decide to go or not go, for yourself; don't get caught up in being offended about whether or not kids have been excluded.

 

[Dznypal]

Yes but this a shower for my DD so of course I want to be there I don't like being told one thing then no I really hate being put in the middle

 

[ronandannette]

Yes but this a shower for my DD so of course I want to be there I don't like being told one thing then no I really hate being put in the middle

Don't let yourself be in the middle. Tell the organizer you are NOT calling people to tell them not to bring their kids.

 

[kimblebee]

Yes but this a shower for my DD so of course I want to be there I don't like being told one thing then no I really hate being put in the middle

You can’t hate being in the middle if you’re the one who put you there.

 

[Wendy31]

I would call the organizer of the event & ask for clarification.

Does your DD prefer the children to be at the shower? When the organizer initially contacted you, did she already pretty much have a set guest list & just needed addresses from you or was she also contacting you to determine whom she needed to invite to the shower? If your DD would like to have the younger children at her shower, did you & the organizer discuss children & did you mention that your daughter wanted to include the children when you gave her the names & addresses?

Is your 3 year old grandchild the child of the DD for whom the shower is being given? If so, you might let the organizer know that your DD really hopes her 3 year old can attend as well.

Bottom line, however, since the organizer is hosting (& presumably) paying for the shower, she can ultimately decide whom she wishes to invite & what ages she wishes to include. There could be legitimate reasons why the organizer has had to limit the guest list - the venue, the time of day, the type of food & drink being served (no kid-friendly options), etc.

However, I would tell her that she needs to contact the guests directly herself since the invitations are coming from her & that you don't feel comfortable, as the mother of the guest of honor, contacting those who have been invited w/ the "no young children" request.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I wouldn't say anything to anyone. You are not hosting or sending the invitations...you don't even HAVE a young child who would be in question here. Let the mothers of the little kids worry about whether they can bring their kids! You get to sit back and enjoy the day with the years of "my kid isn't invited" well behind you. It's the next generation's turn to worry about their own kids' invites!

The invite should clear up any question of who is and who isn't invited, so let it lie and don't worry about what is not under your control.

 

[SirDuff]

Did the organizer ever actually issue an invitation directly to your niece? From the OP, the organizer spoke to you and you asked that your grand-niece be invited. Was that the only "invitation"? Or did the organizer then contact your niece directly?

 

[QueenIsabella]

Well, OP, I think you put yourself in the middle of this by asking if the 18mo could attend. You really didn't have the right to do that--it should have been between the child's mother and the organizer. The child's mother should have asked, while RSVP-ing, if the child could attend. Or, the invitation, in whatever form, should have said, "No young children".

That said, it's not your call on the young kids, and it's not your place to inform people of whatever guest list choices are made. Optimally, it should be discussed with the guest of honor and decided by the organizer. I can see both sides of this--you want to include family, but also don't want the shower to turn into a huge playdate with a bunch of toddlers running around.

 

[lorimay]

In fall one of the girls my DD works with called to get names and address since they were planning a baby shower for DD. So I gave them names and address for our family .my niece has an 18month old DD I asked if it WS OK if she came too . which I was told that would be fine. So last night I get a text from my DDIL .saying that the girl I talked didnt have my phone # so that's why she texted DDIL anyways it seems now they don't want little kids at the shower. My 10 yr old DGD can come. But now the work friend wants me to call my niece and tell her that her DD is not invited. I don't knows why she didn't say anything about it to my niece when she called to rsvp but now I'm stuck in the middle I'm just wondering if my DD is allowed to bring my DGD . she's only 3. Just wondering what you think or how to handle this awarkward situation . thanks all

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother, its the most wonderful thing in the world.

Please don't let this ridiculous thing stop you from enjoying your daughter and soon to be grand baby, its all so petty. Just call and fix the situation, its a baby shower, let that 18 month old attend, life too short to make this a big thing.

We were in the middle of planning a family baby shower for my daughter in law for March 3 and she was diagnosed and sent to the hospital last Tuesday with Preeclampsia. She delivered my grandson on Friday at 29 weeks. Thank God he was 3 pounds (which doctors say is great for a 29 week baby) and born breathing on his own. He will require a lot of hand holding for the next 2 months and God willing he will be home with us by his original due date of April 23. My daughter in law is still in ICU and we are hoping she can be downgraded today into a regular room. You never expect things like this to happen to a healthy 25 year old girl, but we have no control in some situations. Don't let your situation ruin what is a wonderful time in your life.

I am not trying to sound preachy to you in anyway, so please don't take it that way.
Things can always be so much worse. God Bless You!

 

[Poohforyou]

Yes but this a shower for my DD so of course I want to be there I don't like being told one thing then no I really hate being put in the middle

Then don't allow yourself to be. I find it odd that a work friend would be planning a shower and inviting family. That just sounds awkward. In my world work friends have a shower just with work people.

 

[Nancyg56]

Yes but this a shower for my DD so of course I want to be there I don't like being told one thing then no I really hate being put in the middle

Why are you on the middle? I would have simply passed on the addresses and called it a day. At this point you have a choice: get involved and make calls that are not your responsibility, or stay out of this and just reply to the organizer of the event that she needs to follow up.

I attended a baby shower that my DD's coworkers held for her. I had no input on the guest list and did nto want any, as this was not my show. WHen we had a shower for teh family, I did what I wanted, and invited whoeer I wanted to. In my opinion, you can use this as a learning opportunity becuase this is nto going to be the first time you may be drawn into a mess. Grandchildren are a blessing, but like anything it is important that grandparents figure out how to navigate potentially choppy water in order to stay out of family or friend drama.

 

[katie111]

Different opinion here. These work friends are nice enough to be hosting a shower for your DD and are nice enough to include your family as well. You were their contact person. They don't know your family at all. Would it really be a big deal for you to help them out by calling your niece? Does she not have anyone else to watch her? Her father perhaps? I just don't see this as a big deal. It's not like the 18 month old is going to be sad that she wasn't invited. Same with the 3 year old.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Why are you on the middle? I would have simply passed on the addresses and called it a day. At this point you have a choice: get involved and make calls that are not your responsibility, or stay out of this and just reply to the organizer of the event that she needs to follow up.

I attended a baby shower that my DD's coworkers held for her. I had no input on the guest list and did nto want any, as this was not my show. WHen we had a shower for teh family, I did what I wanted, and invited whoeer I wanted to. In my opinion, you can use this as a learning opportunity becuase this is nto going to be the first time you may be drawn into a mess. Grandchildren are a blessing, but like anything it is important that grandparents figure out how to navigate potentially choppy water in order to stay out of family or friend drama.

When I became a grandmother and MIL I suddenly located the zipper on my mouth. It's been very freeing but of course there have been times when I weally weally want to express my opinion. That's when this mantra has become useful:
Not my child
Not my child
Not my child.

This still holds to a certain degree even though DGD lives with us most of the time.

Another vote for passing the telephone # of your niece directly to the hostess and backing out.

 

[focusondisney]

Different opinion here. These work friends are nice enough to be hosting a shower for your DD and are nice enough to include your family as well. You were their contact person. They don't know your family at all. Would it really be a big deal for you to help them out by calling your niece? Does she not have anyone else to watch her? Her father perhaps? I just don't see this as a big deal. It's not like the 18 month old is going to be sad that she wasn't invited. Same with the 3 year old.

I agree with you. Plus the OP is the one who brought up the 18 month old in the first place, possibly putting the hostess in an awkward position during that initial contact. Maybe the co worker was caught off guard so just agreed & has now had time to reconsider.

We don't have enough information about why the children aren't being included. I can see a coworker having this in her home, maybe not even the same one the OP spoke with. Perhaps the home is not "child proofed", has no where for young children to play, the planned foods aren't ones children would like etc. Plus, let's face it, adults can get bored at these things, would young toddlers really be all that interested in a baby shower?? And if the niece has absolutely no one to watch the child, the world won't end if she can't attend the shower.

I think you should make the call OP. This whole thing might not be happeneing if you didn't ask for the 18 month old to be included in the first place. You likely caused this, you should help fix it.

Edit to add: as for the 3 year old, that wasn't relayed to you either way. So that would be up your DD to contact the hostess & ask. I'd just do what was asked: notify the niece.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Back away s l o w l y......

If you have agreed to provide contact info....
Do just that....
Nothing more, nothing less...

 

[Hikergirl]

In fall one of the girls my DD works with called to get names and address since they were planning a baby shower for DD. So I gave them names and address for our family .my niece has an 18month old DD I asked if it WS OK if she came too . which I was told that would be fine. So last night I get a text from my DDIL .saying that the girl I talked didnt have my phone # so that's why she texted DDIL anyways it seems now they don't want little kids at the shower. My 10 yr old DGD can come. But now the work friend wants me to call my niece and tell her that her DD is not invited. I don't knows why she didn't say anything about it to my niece when she called to rsvp but now I'm stuck in the middle I'm just wondering if my DD is allowed to bring my DGD . she's only 3. Just wondering what you think or how to handle this awarkward situation . thanks all

To be honest I'm confused about who is who here.

Is the dd with the 3 year old, the mom to be? Is she also the mom of the 10 year old?
If yes, and the shower is a surprise for her then I would contact the hostess and get clarification on which children are allowed.

I also don't see an issue with mentioning to the niece that her 18 month is not allowed to be there, since you are the one who brought up that child to the hostess in the first place.
It may be possible that when RSVPing the niece didn't mention the 18 month old, and the host did not know she was the one you were talking about. Or she left a message and didn't actually speak to the hostess.
It is also possible that the hostess addressed the invite to "niece" and not niece and 18 month old (or guest). In that case maybe the hostess just assumed the niece knew the child was longer welcome.
At this point why doesn't matter, if you are the only way to get the message to the niece just let her know. You aren't in the middle, you aren't in a position to make any decision, all you are is the messenger. Tell your niece to contact the hostess if she wants, and that is it.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

If it were my DD I would be throwing my own baby shower for our family and friends. Not letting a coworker do it. I would've told her to just throw a work shower and we were doing it ourselves. We throw "showers" for our coworkers all of the time but it's only work people invited.

I know some people say it's tacky for family to throw the shower but that's how we do it in my circle. It's usually a family event type thing. Mom, aunts, sisters, cousins. Everyone gets together and helps throwing it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I agree with the post just above.
A work-shower does not also have to be the family and friends shower.

But, again, other than that.... back away slowly.... not your issue.

PS: I totally do not get the idea that 'family' should not have a baby shower. Not at all.
The baby is the newest member of the family!!!!!

I think the only concern is that the mommy/bride is involved with throwing a shower for herself.

 

[bellebud]

Since you're the one who asked about the 18 month old in the first place, I think you should make the call to uninvited her. I could see the co-worker having been caught off guard when you asked her initially, or even thought "sure, it's fine". Then when talking with other co-workers who may also be in on the planning, they all decided no kids for whatever reasons. Perhaps too many people on the invite list have little kids, and they don't want to say yes to some and no to others. When she called you, it seems it was the beginning stages of planning, and they very well could have not even talked to each other about kids yet. And I would just say that to the 18 month olds mom.

I also think it's the weirdest thing that your dd's co-workers are hosting your dd's baby shower, for your family. Did they not even ask you if you were hosting one for your family/friends? I think that's way overstepping boundaries. To me, the mother of the pregnant girl gets first dibs on if she wants to host the baby shower. Work friends usually just do something at work.