Family shower issue. What would you do

[Dznypal]

Sorry hikergirl but I don't agree that this is my fault based on what I Expierenced but everyone is entitled to their own opinion and as someone else posted different parts of the country things are done differently Coworker asked for family guest list. Which I gave her. Since I only met this person twice I wanted to verify niece DD which I was told is fine. Also aPP said it was rude for host to say now no kids I know my DD would be very hurt if the kids weren't there there were kids at both her wedding shower and first baby shower. She also said that since I didn't have niece full new address she said no
Problem I'll find it. Well obviously she didn't cause niece didn't get one and when someone tells me they'll take care of something I figure they will and don't like to keep asking Another thing that came up I called her about my best friend whose also DD godmother and is always included in family things she just said sure just have her come along. Oh well. At this point I'm just letting the chips fall where they may.

 

[Hikergirl]

You are free to feel that way, however I think it is extremely rude of you to expect a host to do things the way you want.
If you want to dictate the terms of the shower, you should have put up the cash and hosted one yourself so you can decide who gets invited and who doesn't. Unless you were specifically sitting in on the planning and paying some of the bills, you are a guest and should realize that until invitations are mailed that nothing is finalized. Again, if you want things done differently have your own shower for you dd.

 

[QueenIsabella]

You are free to feel that way, however I think it is extremely rude of you to expect a host to do things the way you want.
If you want to dictate the terms of the shower, you should have put up the cash and hosted one yourself so you can decide who gets invited and who doesn't. Unless you were specifically sitting in on the planning and paying some of the bills, you are a guest and should realize that until invitations are mailed that nothing is finalized. Again, if you want things done differently have your own shower for you dd.

I have to agree with this. I think of baby showers as being female events where you have food and drink, maybe play some silly, baby-themed games, chat, and open wee little gifts. A young child or most men would be bored at such an event.

Now, some people have mentioned showers that are, in essence, a family get-together/barbecue type events, where most of the focus is on having a good time, and the impending birth is just the motivator--this time. You know, and next month it'll be graduation, or grandma's birthday, or whatever, and it'll essentially be the same thing, with a slightly different theme. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The problem, OP, is you aren't hosting, you don't know what kind of party it is, theme-wise, and had no right to assume that a 3yo would be welcome. You have no idea of the game plan, the venue, the menu, or any other limiting factors (number of people? non-babyproofed house?). OTOH, if the person calling you for the names didn't know those details either, she should have demurred on the child issue. You probably caught her off-guard--she was asking for names and addresses, and wasn't expecting a question about children.

If you wish to have a separate, family-type event, you are free to do that. Or host the christening or a "welcome baby" party after the birth, where you can invite whomever you please.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Unless you are paying for the shower then you are a guest. Guests don’t dictate who, what, when, where or how. You can offer up opinions but ultimately you have no say, you are a guest.

If your DD is going to be upset that kids are not included in her SECOND baby shower then that doesn’t say very nice things about her. She should be gracious and thankful that people made this effort for a second baby.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

If you DD's are included, do they bring their own gift?

The sole purpose of a shower is gifting the new mom or bride to be. I've been to many showers where people show up with their children but I've never seen the kid or teen who was "old enough to be invited" show up with a gift.

It would never occur to me to invite teens to a shower. Including the whole family on a wedding invitation if they know the couple well, yes, but not the gift grab that is a shower.

Maybe when teens are mature enough to realize that shower attendance means spending their babysitting money on crock pots or boxes of pampers, I'll reconsider.

In my family, it is to shower the new mom or bride with love... Gifts just happen to be a perk.

Incredibly tacky for the mother of the bride/mother to be to host a shower.

I have never heard of such a thing until this thread.



IMO the biggest problem here is that the person throwing the shower first said it was okay, and then went back on their word. That puts the OP in an awkward situation with members of her family.

 

[luvbwv]

I agree with some of the other posters, as a guest you have no say in who is invited. As far as invitations go, if the name is on the invitation, you are invited, if not, you are not. To assume anyone else is invited is wrong. My DD is pregnant and so are most of her friends. Some of the invitations are addressed to her, some have her kids name on as well. If the kids are invited they go, if not they stay home. It shouldn't be that hard!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

In my family, it is to shower the new mom or bride with love... Gifts just happen to be a perk.


I have never heard of such a thing until this thread.



IMO the biggest problem here is that the person throwing the shower first said it was okay, and then went back on their word. That puts the OP in an awkward situation with members of her family.

And i see no issues with asking either. I know for some that makes it awkward or puts the host in a bad position but it really doesn’t if everyone can be honest. You’ll never know unless you ask. I know in my circle invites will just say one persons name. Or none at all if they’re handing them out at a get together. We just ask “hey can the kids come.” They say yes or no. I don’t get the big deal.

The op asked and the host said yes. Now she’s saying no. That’s the problem.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

And i see no issues with asking either. I know for some that makes it awkward or puts the host in a bad position but it really doesn’t if everyone can be honest. You’ll never know unless you ask. I know in my circle invites will just say one persons name. Or none at all if they’re handing them out at a get together. We just ask “hey can the kids come.” They say yes or no. I don’t get the big deal.

The op asked and the host said yes. Now she’s saying no. That’s the problem.

Exactly.

 

[Hikergirl]

And i see no issues with asking either. I know for some that makes it awkward or puts the host in a bad position but it really doesn’t if everyone can be honest. You’ll never know unless you ask. I know in my circle invites will just say one persons name. Or none at all if they’re handing them out at a get together. We just ask “hey can the kids come.” They say yes or no. I don’t get the big deal.

The op asked and the host said yes. Now she’s saying no. That’s the problem.

Yeah but the OP isn't close family with the hostess, she's just an invited guest. after asking things could have changed. It wasn't a formal invite when the host said yes, in fact she didn't even tell the mothers of these children yes directly . It wa a 2nd hand "sure" and that really means nothing until you get the actual invitation. Maybe the host could have called the op back and told her or maybe she assumed that when they got the invites they would have figured out that kids weren't invited if they weren't on invitation since that is pretty well know etiquette. The Op refers to this as a family shower and it isn't. I think the OP may just not understand that

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Yeah but the OP isn't close family with the hostess, she's just an invited guest. after asking things could have changed. It wasn't a formal invite when the host said yes, in fact she didn't even tell the mothers of these children yes directly . It wa a 2nd hand "sure" and that really means nothing until you get the actual invitation. Maybe the host could have called the op back and told her or maybe she assumed that when they got the invites they would have figured out that kids weren't invited if they weren't on invitation since that is pretty well know etiquette. The Op refers to this as a family shower and it isn't. I think the OP may just not understand that

I don’t know how other people do it but if i asked someone if a certain kid or two are invited and they say yes I’m going to take their word for it with or without an invite. Family friend or anyone else. If the host wasn’t sure yet she should’ve said i have to wait on the head count first. But don’t change your mind and then want someone else to be the bearer of the news.

I agree. It’s not a family shower. It’s a friend shower and SOME family is being invited. which is why me and my family would’ve declined and did our own shower.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

It’s the same way if someone asked me if they could bring their kid to my sons grad party. I wouldn’t say yes today and then in two weeks change my mind. That’s crappy IMO. And then want someone else to tell them the news. Even more crappy.

And it has come up already since people know about the party but invites haven’t gone out yet. I wouldn’t back track after the fact.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm not going to say it's crappy since we are getting one side of the story. Unless there was a formal invite rescinded then I don't see this as rude.
However this situation is exactly why you wait until you get an invite, things may change and a verbal yes before anything is finalized isn't always the case. If it was a close family thing I can understand making an assumption you know what your family does. When you are a guest though at a shower you aren't hosting or close to the host you never know until you see that invitation

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I don’t know how other people do it but if i asked someone if a certain kid or two are invited and they say yes I’m going to take their word for it with or without an invite. Family friend or anyone else. If the host wasn’t sure yet she should’ve said i have to wait on the head count first. But don’t change your mind and then want someone else to be the bearer of the news.
.

Bingo. That's the issue.

 

[QueenIsabella]

In my family, it is to shower the new mom or bride with love... Gifts just happen to be a perk.


I have never heard of such a thing until this thread.



IMO the biggest problem here is that the person throwing the shower first said it was okay, and then went back on their word. That puts the OP in an awkward situation with members of her family.

I guess my only issue is, was the person who called the actual hostess? This is a work shower--maybe a group of them are sharing hosting duties, and the person who called was assigned that particular job. If another woman is actually hosting in her home, it might be the physical host who has issues (space, non-babyproofed home, etc.) that the called didn't know about. Or it could be held in a restaurant or other venue that charges by the head, or has no space/entertainment for young children.

The OP never said that the person calling was the actual hostess. And if she was, as I said earlier, she may have been caught off-guard. It may be that, after she said okay, someone else in the work hostess group said, "Oh, we don't want little kids, due to XXX".

 

[Summer2018]

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother, its the most wonderful thing in the world.

Please don't let this ridiculous thing stop you from enjoying your daughter and soon to be grand baby, its all so petty. Just call and fix the situation, its a baby shower, let that 18 month old attend, life too short to make this a big thing.

We were in the middle of planning a family baby shower for my daughter in law for March 3 and she was diagnosed and sent to the hospital last Tuesday with Preeclampsia. She delivered my grandson on Friday at 29 weeks. Thank God he was 3 pounds (which doctors say is great for a 29 week baby) and born breathing on his own. He will require a lot of hand holding for the next 2 months and God willing he will be home with us by his original due date of April 23. My daughter in law is still in ICU and we are hoping she can be downgraded today into a regular room. You never expect things like this to happen to a healthy 25 year old girl, but we have no control in some situations. Don't let your situation ruin what is a wonderful time in your life.

I am not trying to sound preachy to you in anyway, so please don't take it that way.
Things can always be so much worse. God Bless You!

It's all about perspective, isn't it.

Best wishes for your grandchild and daughter in law. Congratulations.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, You are right.... They asked you for a guest list... you complied, based on the info you had.
THEY backtracked and are basicly saying, after asking you for your family guest list info... screw-you... we will do what we want.

I have to wonder if they have even stopped to consider what your DD might want.
It does not seem that they have.
I have a few words and labels for people who try to interject themselves and take control and make it all about what THEY want... But, I won't bother to type these out right now.

You are totally not to be blamed... and you ASKED about the guest list, you did not simply 'expect the host to do what you wanted'.

You are doing the right thing by just backing away and letting the chips fall where they may.
This 'shower' is nothing to be that concerned about, AT ALL!!!!!

A broader perspective... as just mentioned.

And, I just have to say this as well.
You know what else I would advise you to not be concerned with.
Wasting your time, trying to defend yourself from the negative assumptions and accusations of some of 'those' posters on a chatboard, that you will never meet or have to deal with at all IRL.
Total waste of your time and energy....

Enjoy all of the positive aspects you can, and what time you can, as you and your DD prepare to welcome a precious new baby into the family!!!!!

 

[mjkacmom]

OP, I hope your dd is grateful that her work friends spent time, effort, and money to hold this shower, in spite of the fact that she has a 3 year old, and went though the trouble of finding the addresses of your fami,y members. I’m surprised you asked if the toddler was included, it’s being thrown by a group, I’m guessing the person gathering addresses months in advance probably has no clue. She probably should’ve said she’d check and get back to you, but she probably was t expecting the question. Where is the shower bring held?

It would be pretty sad if your dd was disappointed with this generous party thrown in her honor, just because small children aren’t there, even if they were at her previous showers. I mean, 2nd kid, she should be thrilled to get any shower at all!

 

[sk!mom]

OP, You are right.... They asked you for a guest list... you complied, based on the info you had.
THEY backtracked and are basicly saying, after asking you for your family guest list info... screw-you... we will do what we want.

I have to wonder if they have even stopped to consider what your DD might want.
It does not seem that they have.
I have a few words and labels for people who try to interject themselves and take control and make it all about what THEY want... But, I won't bother to type these out right now.

Wow! Are you serious??

These are work friends who are spending their time and money to honor someone with a shower. Small children don't fit those plans. The fact is that many of us do not consider showers to ever be a place for small children. It certainly doesn't mean that I have a "screw you" attitude.

Geez...

 

[mom2rtk]

I haven't kept up with all of the thread. Has it been reported where the shower will be held?

 

[Action City]

Wow! Are you serious??

These are work friends who are spending their time and money to honor someone with a shower. Small children don't fit those plans. The fact is that many of us do not consider showers to ever be a place for small children. It certainly doesn't mean that I have a "screw you" attitude.

Geez...

They better tell the guest of honor, then, since her elder child was invited.