First Christmas after losing parent. Was it weird?

[Grumpy's Gal]

I know this is a personal question so thank you in advance if you can answer.

This Christmas will be “ different” for both of us. On my side, my dad died this summer. We all know he obviously won’t be at Christmas. We all had specific places to sit when we opened presents and to eat. So if you have had a first Christmas after losing a parent, did it feel “ weird” ?? Any suggestions?

On my DH side, we didn’t know it at the time, but last Christmas was the last family Christmas we would have like we always had every year. A medical issue will make that impossible for one of his parents so we’re going to have to make new plans - don’t know what yet that will entail.

So this year, I’m not sure how either Christmas will be.

 

[BadPinkTink]

yes it was. Christmas has always been in my parents house, the same house decorations every year for 40 years, the same food every year for 40 years, Christmas morning everyones presents in the same place every year for 40 years, the same routine for 40 years etc etc you get the picture.

The first Christmas after my dad died and most Christmas since we have not had Christmas in my parents house.
The first year we rented a holiday cottage, and our family and my sisters husband and his family had a combined Christmas. Most years since, we have had Christmas in my sisters house, and 1 year I took my mum to Disneyland Paris for Christmas.

 

[NYCgrrl]

My mother passed this summer as well and I hope the forthcoming holiday season will bring nothing but fond memories to me and mine. She lived to be closer to 100 than most and gave us a treasure trove of laughter, wisdom in and out of the face of adversity, and warm hugs for many a lifetime. Also slit eyes and home truths when needed. I hope I continue growing to be just like her and am content the pain of her last months are gone.
For a variety of reasons I do not wish to spend this Christmas with remaining family and we will not be together. I want all her children to be at the same level of peace for the next December holidays, it's not going to happen in 2018, and hope a "back off" will achieve that for 2019.

 

[tvguy]

My mom had a stroke and passed away 13 months later, so she was unable to participate in Christmas for one year before passing. Both were tough. She always gave me a box of chocolate covered cherries for Christmas....I was 55 when she passed and I mean every Christmas I can remember I got those candies. My wife and kids in the 5 years since she passed have made sure there are a box under the tree for me in her memory.

 

[fhtpdw20]

My mom passed, wow 20 years ago. It was weird. Mom loved Christmas, all the decorating/baking and everyone one had to have a gift, no gift cards. She would squirrel away gifts all over the place. The fifth year after she was gone, Dad found an angel pin that she bought for each one of us for our stockings before she died. Anyway, we scaled back and did not try to recreate the past.

 

[mamamary]

Yes it was weird and still is. Christmas is at my parents house every single year. My dad died a few years ago and it is just different now.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I know it has only been a few years, but I do not even remember much about that particular Christmas.

 

[DisneyOma]

It was hard after my dad passed away, but even harder was the Christmas before, when he was sick with his cancer, and we didn't know what to get him, how to make him know he was loved, etc. My younger daughter played him some George Winston Christmas music from the Winter album, on a keyboard she borrowed from school. She did a wonderful job, and when I hear Carol of the Bells, with the prelude, it still makes me sad and proud at the same time.

To be honest, I'm not sure what we did the next Christmas - we did the huge family Christmas party we didn't do the year before, but that's all I remember. I think my mom came up to our house Christmas day, even though I offered to have her come up, or I'd spend the night with her.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Different, for sure--I don't know about "weird". You'll probably feel weird, because things won't be their usual way.

My suggestion is, don't try to force things to be the same (it'll never work). Allow yourself a chance to grieve--not just your loved one, but the loss of what traditions, etc. will no longer be viable. Fake it in front of the little ones, if need be. Start looking now, without pressure, to maybe find a new tradition or two to replace the old ones. Manage your expectations for yourself and your family--it's okay to have a few moments of quiet remembrance. It's also fine to say, "Oh, Grandpa would have loved this hot cocoa!" or whatever.

My dad died almost 24 years ago--He was born in December, he died 12/22, and Christmas was his favorite holiday. Sometimes, it's still tough. Sometimes, I still have to plaster a smile on my face. But, it does get easier with time.

 

[Poohforyou]

My dad died when I was 8 so obviously my perspective is different than those dealing with this as an adult. For a few years after he died we went to have Christmas at my aunt and uncle's house. We also went to WDW one year. I think I was about 13 before we started having Christmas at home again.

My mom is in good health but she's 89 so I know her years with us are limited. I think we'll probably go away for Christmas when it's just the 2 of us. DD is in college and hopes to live abroad when she graduates so her years of Christmas at home are limited as well.

 

[slpeters]

All sorts of things were weird for a while after each of my parents passed. I remember one year we were trimming the tree and I burst out in tears, no idea why. My husband sat me down, got me calmed down and we talked it out. My Mother's birthday was Dec 8 and growing up that was sort of how we would celebrate my Mother's birthday was we would go out and get the tree and trim it, have snacks and the like--we'd make a little family day of it. I hadn't thought about it in years but apparently my subconscious was chugging away at it, connecting the dots. The oddest things could set me off, but in the end they were pretty much all happy memories, so you just take the moment to experience them, be sad for what's over, be happy for what you had, and then move on...

 

[luvsJack]

The first Christmas after my dad died, we knew it had to be different for Mom. So we all included her in our in laws’ celebrations and on Christmas Day, she spent the day visiting each of us instead of having a big meal at her house. The next year she was ready to go back to her big Christmas dinner.

The first Christmas without my Mom was tough. My dil and ods stepped in and had a big gathering with both families at their house. I still just went through the motions but it did help to be somewhere else.

In dh’s family, we lost three people, including his dad in one year. I suggested to dh and his siblings that we plan something different. Have our gathering somewhere else. But they chose not to. Mil went into a bad depression after Christmas. Now we have made changes. It’s more like a big Christmas party then a family dinner. We don’t even do gifts. Just finger foods, games and fun. Mil doesn’t want to revert back to the old ways.

For anyone going through that first holiday without a family member, my suggestion is always to make it different somehow. No family gathering, have it in a different place, start some new traditions, whatever. Doing the same things makes their absence so much harder.

 

[ronandannette]

I know this is a personal question so thank you in advance if you can answer.

This Christmas will be “ different” for both of us. On my side, my dad died this summer. We all know he obviously won’t be at Christmas. We all had specific places to sit when we opened presents and to eat. So if you have had a first Christmas after losing a parent, did it feel “ weird” ?? Any suggestions?

On my DH side, we didn’t know it at the time, but last Christmas was the last family Christmas we would have like we always had every year. A medical issue will make that impossible for one of his parents so we’re going to have to make new plans - don’t know what yet that will entail.

So this year, I’m not sure how either Christmas will be.

This is a tough situation and there’s no perfect approach but once you navigate past all the “firsts” that occur after such a loss you’ll begin to establish a new normal.

It’s been two years this week since my DMom died. For my entire adult life major holidays revolved around gathering with extended family back at our childhood home. As a group we did decide to “take a year off” and all do our own things that first Christmas. At age 19, my DS had never had one single Christmas at our own place. Not only was there the grief of Mom being gone, we also had to figure out an entirely new process for spending the holiday. Frankly, it wasn’t great but we got through it and this year everything won’t feel quite so shockingly out of sorts.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yes, I now hate Christmas. My parents hosted Christmas Eve. for 40 years. It got smaller as time went on, but after my mom died, my dad’s family stopped coming (14 people). He has Alzheimer’s, no one wants to deal with him, so it’s just us and him now.

 

[Marchand63]

My DM passed in February but she had alzheimers so she has been gone for a very long time. So we had the shell of her for the last few years but not the "her" that made holidays. So I don't think it be too bad. but we'll see.

 

[sailorstitch]

I wouldn't say it was weird, but it was stressful. My dad passed the Sat after Thanksgiving. He had been in the nursing home for 3 years so everyone was used to him not being at family events.

Insurance didn't cover all the costs of the funeral so my mom and I didn't have money to buy Christmas presents. We gave some of my dad's things as gifts. Sadly, my dad's side of the family isn't very understanding to other people's financial problems. They were polite, but it was obvious they weren't happy about receiving used items.

 

[tex1989]

My Father died in 2001 and the first Christmas was rough. My Mother passed in 2008. Father in October and Mother in November. Mother in law passed in early December of 2015. As tragic as that seems the only very difficult one was my Father. Both my Mother and my Mother in Law were in Memory Support Units at Nursing homes so in both cases we had lost them long before their actual deaths. I know that sounds a little harsh but what I am really saying is once the Alzheimers/Demensia had set in which was several years before their deaths we had for all purposes already lost them and did not not bring them to celebrate Christmas because it disrupted their routines to much and they would be scared and agitated the entire time. Christmas afternoon we would go see them and take their gifts. So the most effect we had on Christmas was probably the year the diseases took over as opposed to their actual passing.

 

[LSUmiss]

This will be our 2nd Christmas without my dad. I was very anxious about the first one, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. But, I am finding that happens to me. The things I anticipate aren’t as bad as I think, but then something I wasn’t expecting hits me. New Years & January were worse b/c that’s when he suddenly got sick & we found out he had pancreatic cancer. He died a month after that.

 

[NFLDERS]

For me it was bitter sweet. We times we were still grieving. My dad died in Nov.1981 and my mom in Dec. 2006 (1 week before Christmas) both had suffered and their passing was a relief for them.

 

[cabanafrau]

It's tough to face at first. We found it helpful to try out some new traditions.

I hope it ends up being easier than you anticipate.