First Christmas after losing parent. Was it weird?

[siren0119]

Can only speak from my own experiences - lost my mom very suddenly 22 years ago when she was 44. It was absolutely weird the first few holidays - just felt off kilter, her presence was a tangible void and we weren't really sure how to adjust to it. For me, her loss hasn't necessarily gotten "easier" over the years....just different. The edges are softer. Holidays can still have their weird moments now and then, but we have a new normal. I've been intentional about incorporating things that were quintessentially "her" into our celebrations, and telling my kids (who were born after she passed) about her and what those things meant to her and why they're special to our family. It hits me at odd times too. Some years, it's the milestones and holidays that get me missing her. Some years, it's a random third Tuesday and I just get flooded with thoughts of her. It's unpredictable at best. But I've learned to embrace those moments when I grieve again because it keeps her fresh in my mind and gets me looking out for signs of her in my life.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

yes it was. Christmas has always been in my parents house, the same house decorations every year for 40 years, the same food every year for 40 years, Christmas morning everyones presents in the same place every year for 40 years, the same routine for 40 years etc etc you get the picture.

Yes! This EXACTLY!

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

My mom had a stroke and passed away 13 months later, so she was unable to participate in Christmas for one year before passing. Both were tough. She always gave me a box of chocolate covered cherries for Christmas....I was 55 when she passed and I mean every Christmas I can remember I got those candies. My wife and kids in the 5 years since she passed have made sure there are a box under the tree for me in her memory.

I love this.

 

[indimom]

I'm expecting a difficult Christmas this year. DMIL passed away suddenly on Christmas Eve last year. That was rough. The food was cooking, the tables were out. The gifts were wrapped. But we really didn't even think about it being Christmas at that point. So I feel more like this is our first without her. DFIL has already clearly stated he's not celebrating and I don't blame him. I'm thinking about hosting a New Years event instead. And I'll have the tree down for that. I still want to see my nieces and nephews and such, and I think he would be okay with that. So, yeah, it's gonna be very different.

 

[mel2014]

My dad passed away in March. He started declining from a progressive and fatal brain disease last September (initially mis-diagnosed as a stroke and not identified as fatal until December), so last Thanksgiving and Christmas he was there, but things weren't normal. At Thanksgiving we were trying to be optimistic that he would recover from what we thought at the time was a stroke. By Christmas we knew he was dying and it was hard, but we still did the tree and presents, etc at his house.

This year is going to be very strange. My in-laws and my mom and stepdad both live nearby, but my dad was always the biggest Thanksgiving and Christmas proponent; he was over-the-top with decorations, gifts, food, etc. My step-mom doesn't celebrate Christmas at all for religious reasons and she recently had us pick through what we wanted from his decorations/ornaments and donated the rest. Our routine for the past 10 years since my kids were born has been Christmas Eve with my mom and stepdad, Christmas morning at our house with my in-laws and Christmas afternoon/evening with my dad. We're going to be adrift this year on Christmas day. Maybe we'll move the celebration with my mom to Christmas day, as it's always been stressful to try and wrap things up early on Christmas Eve and get the kids home to bed for Santa to come. My half-sister (same dad, different mom), who is 8 years younger than me is still single; with my dad gone and her mom not celebrating, I don't know how we will celebrate Christmas with her, maybe invite her to join us at my mom's?

We're actually going on vacation for Thanksgiving (going to be at Tokyo Disneyland on Thanskgiving); I feel a bit bad about abandoning my family on what was my dad's holiday (I cleared it with my stepmom first), but I was having a hard time with the idea of having Thanksgiving without him and thought this would be a good distraction.

 

[Nancyg56]

My mother passed this summer as well and I hope the forthcoming holiday season will bring nothing but fond memories to me and mine. She lived to be closer to 100 than most and gave us a treasure trove of laughter, wisdom in and out of the face of adversity, and warm hugs for many a lifetime. Also slit eyes and home truths when needed. I hope I continue growing to be just like her and am content the pain of her last months are gone.
For a variety of reasons I do not wish to spend this Christmas with remaining family and we will not be together. I want all her children to be at the same level of peace for the next December holidays, it's not going to happen in 2018, and hope a "back off" will achieve that for 2019.

I wish you fond memories as well. Sometimes a step back and away is the best way to heal.

Yes, I now hate Christmas. My parents hosted Christmas Eve. for 40 years. It got smaller as time went on, but after my mom died, my dad’s family stopped coming (14 people). He has Alzheimer’s, no one wants to deal with him, so it’s just us and him now.

Oh no, when you need them most! I am so very sorry.

I wouldn't say it was weird, but it was stressful. My dad passed the Sat after Thanksgiving. He had been in the nursing home for 3 years so everyone was used to him not being at family events.

Insurance didn't cover all the costs of the funeral so my mom and I didn't have money to buy Christmas presents. We gave some of my dad's things as gifts. Sadly, my dad's side of the family isn't very understanding to other people's financial problems. They were polite, but it was obvious they weren't happy about receiving used items.

I am so sad that the extended family had no idea how special an item shared truly is, and that these gifts should be treasures. Shame on them!

I'm expecting a difficult Christmas this year. DMIL passed away suddenly on Christmas Eve last year. That was rough. The food was cooking, the tables were out. The gifts were wrapped. But we really didn't even think about it being Christmas at that point. So I feel more like this is our first without her. DFIL has already clearly stated he's not celebrating and I don't blame him. I'm thinking about hosting a New Years event instead. And I'll have the tree down for that. I still want to see my nieces and nephews and such, and I think he would be okay with that. So, yeah, it's gonna be very different.

I am so sorry.

My dad passed away in March. He started declining from a progressive and fatal brain disease last September (initially mis-diagnosed as a stroke and not identified as fatal until December), so last Thanksgiving and Christmas he was there, but things weren't normal. At Thanksgiving we were trying to be optimistic that he would recover from what we thought at the time was a stroke. By Christmas we knew he was dying and it was hard, but we still did the tree and presents, etc at his house.

This year is going to be very strange. My in-laws and my mom and stepdad both live nearby, but my dad was always the biggest Thanksgiving and Christmas proponent; he was over-the-top with decorations, gifts, food, etc. My step-mom doesn't celebrate Christmas at all for religious reasons and she recently had us pick through what we wanted from his decorations/ornaments and donated the rest. Our routine for the past 10 years since my kids were born has been Christmas Eve with my mom and stepdad, Christmas morning at our house with my in-laws and Christmas afternoon/evening with my dad. We're going to be adrift this year on Christmas day. Maybe we'll move the celebration with my mom to Christmas day, as it's always been stressful to try and wrap things up early on Christmas Eve and get the kids home to bed for Santa to come. My half-sister (same dad, different mom), who is 8 years younger than me is still single; with my dad gone and her mom not celebrating, I don't know how we will celebrate Christmas with her, maybe invite her to join us at my mom's?

We're actually going on vacation for Thanksgiving (going to be at Tokyo Disneyland on Thanskgiving); I feel a bit bad about abandoning my family on what was my dad's holiday (I cleared it with my stepmom first), but I was having a hard time with the idea of having Thanksgiving without him and thought this would be a good distraction.

I agree a getaway from it all is a best remedy. Your family understands.

I lost my Mom just after New Year's Day 10 years ago. Christmas is not the same, but that is okay. The first year was a year of "firsts" and none of them were good, but each year dimmed the loss and brightened the memories.

 

[sailorstitch]

I am so sad that the extended family had no idea how special an item shared truly is, and that these gifts should be treasures. Shame on them!

Thank you. We had a family member do the same thing on my mom's side of the family. I truly treasured the items that once belonged to my grandma and great aunt.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

My father was killed by a drunk driver at the end of November 1987-lots of things were unspoken between us and I thought that if I'd only known the end was coming, things would have been better. The Year of Firsts would have been easier to get through. Then my Mom had cancer, which she fought like a champion for six years. We had plenty of time to talk about stuff, and we had a Last Christmas. And it was horrible, even worse than when my Dad died. Mother's Day was the weekend after her death, and then Christmas came and I just fell apart when I took out the decorations and tree trimming things. I don't know what else to say, just that I've had Christmas come both ways-after a sudden death and after a long battle. Both were hard in their own ways, but knowing was definitely more difficult and weird.

 

[LilyWDW]

When my mom died in 2013, that first Christmas was really hard and just odd feeling. I was in a real transition period of my life as well as I had also just graduated with my MBA (a week to the day before she died... she always said she would see me graduate). I honestly don't remember much about that Christmas because it just felt... wrong almost. Not real.

This Christmas I will be dealing with having lost my dad at the end of August. It's gonna be rough because he always made sure I had something to open on Christmas morning. It's not so much the idea of getting a gift, but having that tradition. So I don't know how it is going to go, but I am not looking forward to it.

 

[disykat]

By the time our parents started passing away, Christmas traditions were pretty loose due to adult children. I don't think the day has been difficult, but the season has.

 

[Nancyg56]

Thank you. We had a family member do the same thing on my mom's side of the family. I truly treasured the items that once belonged to my grandma and great aunt.

I have things that were my Mom's and my grandmother's. They are treasures that are priceless to me.

 

[ronandannette]

My DM passed in February but she had alzheimers so she has been gone for a very long time. So we had the shell of her for the last few years but not the "her" that made holidays. So I don't think it be too bad. but we'll see.

This was our situation too, but in a weird way, the further she slipped away into dementia, the harder all my siblings and I pulled together to honor the holiday traditions she'd always upheld. We knew it would have pleased her and we had some of our best Christmases ever during those last few difficult years.

 

[Summer2018]

I know this is a personal question so thank you in advance if you can answer.

This Christmas will be “ different” for both of us. On my side, my dad died this summer. We all know he obviously won’t be at Christmas. We all had specific places to sit when we opened presents and to eat. So if you have had a first Christmas after losing a parent, did it feel “ weird” ?? Any suggestions?

On my DH side, we didn’t know it at the time, but last Christmas was the last family Christmas we would have like we always had every year. A medical issue will make that impossible for one of his parents so we’re going to have to make new plans - don’t know what yet that will entail.

So this year, I’m not sure how either Christmas will be.

Everything was different after my mother died.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

MY dad passed away last year 2 weeks before Christmas. We( myself and family,sister and mom) wanted to uphold tradition and attend out extended family Christmas Eve get-together. I think this is the year that missing my dad's presence will be felt greatly. Also, His b-day is coming up and that's going to be a sad too. The best way I can cope is to think of good times, good memories and to share those with the persons who want to share in them the most, my mom and sister.

 

[bushdianee]

The first Christmas we had without my dad 14 years ago was hard. We tried to carry on as usual but my mom was naturally having a rough time which carried over to the rest of us. We kept the family traditions for the younger kids but to the adults it just wasn't the same. When my mom died 6 years ago it was harder because we then had no parents left. The following year we had just lost one of my brothers in October so emotions were really raw. One of my sisters decided that we should change things up. I fought it with everything I had in me. It felt like she was trying to erase my parents from Christmas. As all of us 8 kids became adults we began having a potluck on Christmas Eve (my parents believed that the grandkids should be at home on Christmas Day so we had our gathering on Christmas Eve.) It kind of evolved into everybody bringing the same dishes every year. My parents always made goulash, one sister in law always did a green jello salad, 2 brothers made wings etc. The year my brother died the one sister wanted to go with a themed potluck ie soups or Italian. We had been having my parents goulash since we were kids and I just couldn't take not making it as I had taken over making it pretty much after my dad had died since he was primarily the one who made it. Everyone else kept telling me too make what I wanted to. I finally went to my sister in law who was going to experience her first Christmas without her husband and asked her what she would like me to make. She said it wouldn't be Christmas without goulash. So here 5 years later I still make goulash for Christmas Eve. Others have changed what they make but they make what they want.

 

[LovesTimone]

Our first Christmas without my Grandmother was tough, she was the head of our clan. I have had Christmas at my house for years and years, not unless we were at WDW or traveling somewhere. So last year which was the first year without her, I decided to honor her, buy making a few dishes that she made for special occasion. Red Velvet cake her recipe, and roast wrapped in cabbage and onions, that you make the day before, shredded it together, warm and serve as a side dish, again her recipe, which was my great grandmother recipe. I hope that I did the dishes justice, there wasn't anything left so I guess I did okay.... I also used her serving dishes.

One thing is that we talked about her during the course of Christmas day. I think for us by talking about her, laughing about things that she did and things that happened and special memories, and what a amazing cook she was, she lives on in all of us. I want my grand-kids to have memories of us talking about her. I will admit there were some tears, but it was okay

I was super close to her, and I miss her so much.. at times it takes my breath away, like right now. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, but being able to share with all of you. Helps me realize I was so lucky to have all that time with her, she lived to 97.. She had a wonderful and fruitful life.

 

[blana]

My mom passed away when I was 32 and pregnant with DD1. That was 10 years ago, and Christmas has been weird ever since.

We had already changed some things. After some finagling, my brothers and I agreed that we would do family Christmas on a weekend near Christmas but not on the day, so I was used to not doing the big family thing that day, but instead focusing on my little family. But that get together was tough, even if it wasn't on the day. My niece convinced my dad to put up the tree, but he refused to put up any other decorations except at the gravesite. That was the last year he even put up a tree. He insists on fixing the meal, even though we had all gotten used to our pizza Christmases when Momma was still alive, but it's not the foods we ever ate on Christmas, just what he fixes whenever we're all together. Presents are secondary. Both my brothers live nearby, so my dad goes to their houses on Christmas Day and delivers his gifts to the nieces/nephews then, so my kids are the only ones opening Poppy gifts at the party. Half the time, Daddy will invite his brother & brother's family over as well. It's weird. But, I love my dad and brothers and sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews, so I deal with the weird to get to celebrate a little with them.

 

[mrodgers]

I was only 20 and my Dad's birthday was December 25. So yeah, it was pretty dang rough.

 

[Lynne M]

Yeah, all the holidays have been weird since my dad passed: Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, Father's Day, Mother's Day. We've tried making new traditions, but somehow that just adds to the weirdness. It's just mom and I celebrating, since I'm an only child without children of my own and our other relatives live pretty far away. The three of us were really close, and it's a hole that you just can't ignore on Christmas, as hard as we try. This will be our third Christmas without him, and I'm really not looking forward to it. I've decided that after mom's gone, I'm going to spend that week traveling solo every year.

The way you celebrate Christmas going forward will become the tradition before long. I'd suggest celebrating with as many people as you can. I wish I could convince my mom to fly to FL to celebrate with her sister's big family.

 

[TheFloatingBear]

So, I lost my mom almost 19 years ago and my dad a few months ago. I'm the youngest of five and my oldest sib is about 14 years older than me, so the ten "grandchildren" are spread out in age - about 40 years old to my kids, who are 14 and 11. My oldest sister has three grandchildren. I only say this part since it contributes to the challenges of getting together for the holidays as our family expands.

My mom died in January of 2000 before I was married or had kids. I remember the Christmas she was sick more than the one after she passed. I remember the first Christmas was hard, but we kept all of the same traditions, which included spending the holiday in at my dad's house (our family home). We also had almost a full year to grieve so we kind of "prepared" for the first Christmas and special ways to honor/remember her.

After that, we continued to spend Christmas at my dad's house, until he sold the house several years ago. Things got tougher then in terms of coordinating the holidays. My dad's house was the most central location, and it was big enough to house all of us for a couple of days. So then we went to rotating, but it's been tough since each of us have in-laws, some have adult children with their own time commitments, etc. So, it's fine, we manage to get together at some point, but how it looks varies from year to year.

One "newer" tradition after my father sold his house was that he spent Christmas Eve at my house and opened presents with my kids Christmas morning...until last year. He decided to go to his girlfriend's house instead, which was fine, and of course his decision to make. Just for exposition, he and his girlfriend were companions and cared deeply for each other, but they did not live together (they lived about an hour away from each other. It was a bit of a mystery to us why he didn't move closer to her when he sold the family house but they kept things separate and it worked for them). Anyway, they usually spent Thanksgiving together and then Christmas with their respective families. I recall, at the time, that I was happy for him that she invited him along for Christmas, but sad that it would be the first Christmas Eve that we hadn't been together - same for my kids. He had seemed to decline in recent months and I remember thinking...I wonder if this will be our last Christmas? It ended up being so, since as I mentioned, he passed away a few months ago.

So, it's hard to say what will happen this Christmas? One of us will invite the others, and whoever can make will do so but like I said, it's not organized in the same way. For myself, I'm not sure how much involvement I want. As a group of siblings, we function well and generally get along, but we are all different and I feel like with the stress of my dad's illness, I could use a break from the larger group! But then maybe not...not sure - I could feel differently in a month or so.

So in terms of thoughts or advice after my long-winded story, I would say listen to your feelings and be kind to yourself, and maybe be open to a new tradition. You have your own grief with your dad yet you're also dealing with a challenging situation with your DH's family- that's a lot! And I agree with a PP that sometimes it's the "season" that can be tougher than the actual day! I often find that something about my mom will catch me by surprise during the season and I'll be sad, but the day itself seems more manageable. One other thing I try to do is honor my mom in small ways...donate to her favorite charities, or do activities with my kids that she did with me, stuff like that...sorry about all my rambling...