Gift Dilemma

[china mom]

I came up with the best gift idea ever... and now we are not exchanging gifts :-( ...or are we?

Our tenant/housemate/friend is an older woman on social security and her retirement accounts. She is comfortable but worries about outliving her money and becoming a burden.

So, the other day we were talking about gift giving/exchanging and she announced that she is only giving gifts to children this year - her three grandchildren and my two children. No adult gifts.

Now, my quandary with gifts has always been what to do so that no one feels bad. Are you going to be disappointed that you gave me this great gift and I under performed? Are you going to be uncomfortable that I gave the great gift and you feel you didn't do enough? I just want to make everyone happy. And part of happy is not feeling bad about the gift.

OK, so, this morning I decided to clarify and confirm. "So, Carol, we are not exchanging gift this year, right?" "right. we are not exchanging gifts but..." and then she goes on about giving me an experience instead of a gift - like taking me to lunch or something. WTH? I don't know what that means. And, I was going to give her an experience but don't want to do it because I know she will think it is too much and she will be upset.

I can't pull off having my kids give it to her. She would see right through that.

What do I do?

 

[luvsJack]

I would give her the gift. You obviously care about this woman. I would give it to her and say "I know we said we weren't exchanging but I knew you would love this" and give her to her.

Is the experience something ya'll would do together? If so, add in there "its really for both of us!"

 

[SharonZ]

I much prefer the "experience" gifts that you can do together like lunch or the movIes, it's much less drama than stressing over exchanging an actual gift. Go somewhere nicer for the holiday and split the cost.

 

[china mom]

I would give her the gift. You obviously care about this woman. I would give it to her and say "I know we said we weren't exchanging but I knew you would love this" and give her to her.

Is the experience something ya'll would do together? If so, add in there "its really for both of us!"

it is an experience we would do together. It will appear far more extravagant than it is, though.

She came to Disney with us as my mother's caregiver a couple of years ago. She absolutely fell in love with the music from Illuminations. She also expressed an interest in the Festival of the Arts "if she had the money".

I already have an AP. I could buy her a one day park ticket (@$105) and a night in a value ($130) and we could fly free (flying privileges). Although we would be in the range of $250, it would be my trip too and I have the money.

But, I am afraid that she would feel bad accepting such a big gift.

 

[aejammers]

Does she watch your kids or do other favors for you throughout the year? If so, can you tell her this is a way to say Thank You for all she does for you? It's a very generous gift even if you were exchanging "traditional" presents, but I think it's very thoughtful of you.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I would not give her a gift if she was not exchanging one with me because I know that would make me extremely uncomfortable if the tables were turned. If she’s indicated that she’s going to gift you an experience along the lines of a lunch I would respond in kind, but I would not give a trip to Disney. That’s way too disproportionate and also likely to cause awkward feelings. I would present the trip to Disney completely separate from Christmas or a mutual gift exchange. As in, sometime in January or later you explain how inexpensive Disney could be with your points and discounts, and suggest the two of you take a girls trip.

 

[luvsJack]

it is an experience we would do together. It will appear far more extravagant than it is, though.

She came to Disney with us as my mother's caregiver a couple of years ago. She absolutely fell in love with the music from Illuminations. She also expressed an interest in the Festival of the Arts "if she had the money".

I already have an AP. I could buy her a one day park ticket (@$105) and a night in a value ($130) and we could fly free (flying privileges). Although we would be in the range of $250, it would be my trip too and I have the money.

But, I am afraid that she would feel bad accepting such a big gift.

Oh wow! That is wonderful of you!! Could you give it to her and not make it a Christmas gift? Just as a friendship thing?

 

[LynnTH]

Could you maybe fib a bit. Tell her the flight and room were both free from points and you got a special 1 day ticket from having an AP??? Or something like that so she doesn't think you spent actual money..

 

[china mom]

Does she watch your kids or do other favors for you throughout the year? If so, can you tell her this is a way to say Thank You for all she does for you? It's a very generous gift even if you were exchanging "traditional" presents, but I think it's very thoughtful of you.

So, this is what is funny about our relationship. She pays $500 a month rent for a full 1300 square ft apartment attached to my house. This is below market rent for my area but not ridiculously low. I am thinking I could get between $800-900. Utilities are included and we have her over for dinner almost every night and breakfast on most Sundays.

She is home all day to receive deliveries, let tradesmen in and such. She runs my daughter to the Orthodontist and picks up the kids when needed. She helps get my daughter out the door in the morning (but that isn't really needed). She provides something for dinner (usually a vegetable), helps with the dishes, and she sneaks in my house about once a week to vacuum the downstairs.

So, She is grateful for her great deal and thinks she owes me and I am grateful for her and think that I owe her.

 

[china mom]

Could you maybe fib a bit. Tell her the flight and room were both free from points and you got a special 1 day ticket from having an AP??? Or something like that so she doesn't think you spent actual money..

She knows the flights are free. I could tell her I paid way less fort he room and ticket - she wouldn't know the price. I could also let her pay for our meals so she would feel like we were going "dutch"

 

[china mom]

I like the idea of a couple of posters that we still go on the trip but not as a Christmas gift. That way, we will avoid the awkwardness

 

[luvsJack]

So, this is what is funny about our relationship. She pays $500 a month rent for a full 1300 square ft apartment attached to my house. This is below market rent for my area but not ridiculously low. I am thinking I could get between $800-900. Utilities are included and we have her over for dinner almost every night and breakfast on most Sundays.

She is home all day to receive deliveries, let tradesmen in and such. She runs my daughter to the Orthodontist and picks up the kids when needed. She helps get my daughter out the door in the morning (but that isn't really needed). She provides something for dinner (usually a vegetable), helps with the dishes, and she sneaks in my house about once a week to vacuum the downstairs.

So, She is grateful for her great deal and thinks she owes me and I am grateful for her and think that I owe her.

sounds like ya'll have a sweet friendship!

 

[china mom]

sounds like ya'll have a sweet friendship!

We do but quite often she drives me Bat%^&* crazy! Living with other grown-ups is hard.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

it is an experience we would do together. It will appear far more extravagant than it is, though.

She came to Disney with us as my mother's caregiver a couple of years ago. She absolutely fell in love with the music from Illuminations. She also expressed an interest in the Festival of the Arts "if she had the money".

I already have an AP. I could buy her a one day park ticket (@$105) and a night in a value ($130) and we could fly free (flying privileges). Although we would be in the range of $250, it would be my trip too and I have the money.

But, I am afraid that she would feel bad accepting such a big gift.

Sometimes people are in a better position financially and want to share.

I don't see anything wrong with giving this to her at Christmas, and telling her that it's really a gift for the both of you because it will allow you to share a fun and meaningful event with her, which is also a gift for you.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, I would tell her that it isn't a Christmas gift, it is just a gift to show her how much you appreciate her.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Could you make it a New Years gift? Keep it totally separate from Christmas ?