Have you ever seen this at a funeral?

[debster812]

When MIL passed away 5 years ago, I know FIL also took comfort in writing out some of the thank yous. His three daughters, and two of us daughters in law helped him with the ''friend" thank yous. DH is one of 8 kids, MIL was one of 8 and FIL is one of 8, so the sheer number of people was overwhelming.

I learned a trick from one of DH's Aunts. When she sends a Mass Card, or a donation in a card, etc, she always puts her return address on the inside of the envelope flap. That way, it's right there, and no one has to hunt it down. Lots of folks from that generation did that, and I've started doing it as well.

 

[North of Mouse]

Also am one that never heard of giving $$$'s at funerals. It must be a regional thing - am from the deep south and it's never been done anywhere that I know of. As for as thank you notes/cards, I think it is just up to the family - some do and some don't, but it's never expected.

We always bring food/dish to the family during that time. There's so many people in/out of the home at that time that it is always appreciated and a tradition to take food there.

 

[DebbieB]

I don't think I've ever been to a funeral where they were collecting money. I've heard of money being collected at work or something like that, but not at the funeral. Interesting custom.

I wouldn't say "they were collecting money". Some people choose to bring a card, it may have money in it. It's not like someone is walking around passing a collection plate.

 

[denisem]

I wouldn't say "they were collecting money". Some people choose to bring a card, it may have money in it. It's not like someone is walking around passing a collection plate.

Exactly. I grew up in SE Michigan and come from a huge extended family. We usually chip in (as a family of married adults) to buy one floral arrangement - otherwise buying them individually would turn the funeral home into a greenhouse. (I have 74 first cousins.)

So it's not unusual to show respect by making an additional "donation" via envelopes provided by the funeral home for the family's wishes, whether it be mass cards, donations for a charity/health organization, or whatever. Guess it's just what I grew up with.

Money is usually enclosed with a note offering condolences and asking the family to use this is a tribute to their loved one in a manner they find fitting.

 

[mhsjax]

Ah, glad to see I'm not the only one. I found comfort in sending the thank-yous after my DH and mother died. Previously, when DH's unmarried sister died, I offered to help, but he also found the same comfort by personally thanking everyone who took the time to honor the dead.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect that of others, as they may be living entirely different circumstances and respect their situations.

Oh, and within my experience/locale/family custom, money was given for the family's wishes, whether it be a charity, mass cards or expenses.

I am glad you found comfort in it, I can tell you that I received NO comfort what so ever of the few that I had to send out. In fact it was quite of opposite for me, much like pouring alcohol on an open wound.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think it's ridiculous that our culture thinks it's expected that family that just lost a family member must send thank you cards for sympathy cards or flowers or money of whatever.

If one of my parents, my wife, or one of my children just died, the absolute last thing I will worry about is about whether I send out thank you cards.

I also never heard of sending money for a funeral.

 

[DebD4T]

I personally think it is tacky to write "no thank you required" in the guest book. It is a record for the family of who attended the service, as well as to have the addresses they may need to thank people for gifts.

As for the OP's question, I think the green sticker thing is really tacky too. I have never seen anything like that.

Why is it tacky? My name is still there so they know I came to pay my respects, I just don't feel the need to be thanked for it. Sometimes I receive a thank you card anyway.
During such an emotional draining time, I don't want to add to the stress. JMO, YMMV

 

[Zandy595]

What are mass cards?

 

[antmaril]

My husband passed away almost five years ago from cancer. I am in the Detroit area and did receive quite a few envelopes with cash/checks to be used at my discretion. This is common. I also received several donations for the charity I had requested. I sent thank you notes to everyone who came to the funeral home and funeral. I also sent thank you notes to the people who sent flowers, gave donations, sent food to the funeral home, to anyone who helped me in any way. Sending the notes was not a chore. I was grateful for all the kindnesses I received during a very difficult time and it felt good to thank people for those kindnesses. I did not send thank you notes for sympathy cards.

In answer to the OP's question. I don't like the idea of the green stickers.

 

[goofy4tink]

When my mother passed away, I took responsibility for all thankyou notes. BUT...I sent notes only to those that send any type of flowers or mass cards. I did not send thank you notes for cards. That's just silly. I did send notes of thanks to those that made contributions to her charity.
When my mother-in-law passed away last fall, we had the the charity we requested sent multiple letters, to all the brothers, letting them know when people made donations. There was a ton of confusion as to who had been sent thank you notes and who hadn't!! Same for flowers. Each brother said he would be responsible for those he knew...bad idea.
When my dad died, I told my step-mother who I would respond to. She responded to all the others. But she did run into trouble since there were names she didn't recognize, and some that she had no addresses for.

I truly think that we have gotten carried away with the whole thank-you note thing. The last thing the bereaved family needs to worry about is the etiquette of thank-you notes for sympathy cards. If you send a card, know that you won't get a note. Send flowers or make a contribution to a charity? Sure, someone should send you a note.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

What are mass cards?

I was raised Catholic before I stopped going to church at 13 and then converting to American Baptist at 19. I never heard of it before, But this is from a simple Google search:

A Mass card, also known as a Mass offering card, memorial card or a remembrance card, is a greeting card given to someone to let them know that they, or a deceased loved-one, will be remembered and prayed for in the intentions at a Mass.

Source: http://www.aquinasandmore.com/catho.../layout/grid/currentpage/1/keywords/mass card

 

[Nomads]

I thought it was strange, also, because many of those are only signed "from the (deceased's) family", so how much time does that take to write? Plus, when we had my DGM's funeral in January, there were ten of us writing them, so we only had to do maybe 7 each, we were easily done in half an hour.

Terri

I went to a funeral of a young woman who had died in a car accident, shortly after getting married. There was a line a block out the door. This funeral had a sign and stickers as well. The first thought that popped into my head was "How horrible will it be for her parents to have to write hundreds and hundreds of thank-you cards?". So I put on a sticker. I never expect or really even want s thank you card from a funeral.

Went to a funeral last week, and on top of the drop box for the sympathy cards was a long flowery statement that basically said, "If you don't care if you get a thank you, put a green sticker on the outside of your card envelope". Since I had put a check in (which I would be able to tell if it cashed or not online), I went ahead and put a sticker on mine, but thought it was sort of odd. What was even more strange was that today we got a thank you note for that check anyways! Obviously whoever was writing them didn't know what the green stickers meant . My DH (always a smart aleck) said,"I'm surprised they just didn't have us address our own thank yous like at showers".

"No thank you required" for sympathy cards/$$--good or bad?

Terri

 

[Nomads]

Went to a funeral last week, and on top of the drop box for the sympathy cards was a long flowery statement that basically said, "If you don't care if you get a thank you, put a green sticker on the outside of your card envelope". Since I had put a check in (which I would be able to tell if it cashed or not online), I went ahead and put a sticker on mine, but thought it was sort of odd. What was even more strange was that today we got a thank you note for that check anyways! Obviously whoever was writing them didn't know what the green stickers meant . My DH (always a smart aleck) said,"I'm surprised they just didn't have us address our own thank yous like at showers".

"No thank you required" for sympathy cards/$$--good or bad?

Terri

We went to a funeral of a young woman who had died in a car accident, shortly after getting married. There was a line a block out the door. This funeral had a sign and stickers as well. The first thought that popped into my head was "How horrible will it be for her parents to have to write hundreds and hundreds of thank-you cards?". So I put on a sticker. I never expect or really even want a thank you card from any funeral, but in the case of someone losing a child, I definitely do not want one.

 

[fla4fun]

If a bereaved family wants to send than you notes, I have no problem with it. Each family has to do what feels right to them. This is a death, not Christmas. I do have a problem with people who get offended because they didn’t get a thank you note after a funeral. I was completely devastated when my parents passed, especially since they passed so close together that there was no time to get my bearings before the next loss. If someone was offended by how I behaved, well, all I can say is it wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t personal.

I do have to say that I am unfamiliar with cash gifts at funerals, or thank you notes afterward. It didn’t happen that way where I grew up in Ohio, and it doesn’t happen where I live in Florida. We got sympathy cards, but no gifts, and because of where we had the memorial, we specifically requested no flowers.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Welcome to the dis, Nomads.

 

[DisLiss]

I've found that weddings and funerals have very regional traditions. Where I live giving a donation to a charity in memory of the deceased or giving a check tot he family is very, very common, as are receiving thank you notes for flowers, donations, food, etc.

I have never come across someone trying to find out who would rather not receive a thank you note, but I would never make a fuss or be bothered if someone did just that. They are grieving...anything at all that makes the process any less difficult at all is fine with me.

 

[kimblebee]

I’m telling all y’all right now, if we ever cross paths and you come to a funeral for a family member of mine, you will NOT be getting a card.

I will, however, make millions off my invention, the thank you for thanking me card.

 

[MrsPete]

Nope. Weird.
Yes, I've heard of money at funerals ... usually just cash passed quietly into the widow /widower's hand.

 

[AustinTink]

As far as money goes, I've known two families recently who lost loved ones and a go fund me account was created for the funeral costs. I didn't give through the fund, but gave a check personally. I don't do online funds. I received thank you notes from both of those.

We sent thank you notes for both my parents for gifts of flowers, food, mass cards and those who traveled a great distance.

 

[ronandannette]

As far as money goes, I've known two families recently who lost loved ones and a go fund me account was created for the funeral costs. I didn't give through the fund, but gave a check personally. I don't do online funds. I received thank you notes from both of those.

We sent thank you notes for both my parents for gifts of flowers, food, mass cards and those who traveled a great distance.

Go fund me didn't even exist when this thread was started!

I agree with whomever said etiquette for these things is very regional, or maybe even specific to family or social groups. Regarding money, yes, these days crowd-sourcing for funeral costs has become a thing but it's much more common to give a cheque or cash gift to a charity designated by the family as a memorial tribute. Those closest to the bereaved know if financial assistance is needed and if so, funds change hands directly and discreetly.

As far as a thank-you goes, I've never heard of anybody sending thank-you cards just for having attended the service. A formal thank-you would only be sent to, or expected by, those who had sent flowers or brought food or made a donation.