Help with 4yo. - Won't stay in room at bed time

dakotix

DIS Dad #852 from Central Massachusetts
Joined
Jul 12, 2012
It's been three months. Three LONG months and our 4yo refuses to stay in bed.

Let me preface this by saying we are preadoptive parents. We have had our son for 18 months. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has been in therapy for two months. He is great 80% of the time. He's very well spoken, very social, polite, smart and observant.

We have tried everything you'd find on the internet. We've asked our therapist for advice and so far nothing she's suggested is working.

His therapist said he has expressed that he feels anxiety at bedtime and my guess is he doesn''t like to be alone. From what I've observed he seems to be focused on me while he's exhibiting these behaviors. He will hide in the next room smiling and then peek and look in my direction. We repeatedly take him upstairs and he will come downstairs up until we go to bed. Lately he has gotten more brazen and will walk right up next to me.

Does anyone have any idea of how we can build his confidence or whatever he needs to help him?
 
Have you tried putting a comfy chair for yourself near his bed, then kick back and relax with a good book until he is out? No conversation or engaging, just your reassuring presence as he drifts off. DD is 6 and has always needed to hold my hand as she falls asleep, she gets terrible separation anxiety. It started when she was a baby and I'll be sad when she doesn't need me anymore.
 
Have you tried putting a comfy chair for yourself near his bed, then kick back and relax with a good book until he is out? No conversation or engaging, just your reassuring presence as he drifts off. DD is 6 and has always needed to hold my hand as she falls asleep, she gets terrible separation anxiety. It started when she was a baby and I'll be sad when she doesn't need me anymore.

Since he's so laser focused on me, would it be better if my husband did this or does it really not matter. Or maybe both of us?
 
My first thought was put a fish in his room. Make it a special thing to go to a pet store and buy a bowl and some rocks and the food and let him pick a fish. Then, tell him that when he’s feeling scared or alone to look at the fish and remember the time you went to pick it out together.
 


So sorry- that does sound really trying. Given his history I’d probably be more indulgent than I would for my own children who don’t have anxiety/trauma issues.

Have you tried reading stories and having a general “cool down” period at bedtime where you cuddle and talk quietly to get him ready for bed? Maybe 15 minutes where you lay with him quietly while he relaxes?

If he’s nervous about being left alone you could try walkie talkies where he’s able to talk to you without getting out of bed. That might help him understand he needs to stay in bed, but that doesn’t mean he’s isolated.

It also sounds like you’re on different floors before you go to bed. I grew up in a reverse ranch where the bedrooms where on the same floor as the living room/kitchen. When I visited my grandparents and the bedrooms were upstairs alone I remember being very scared to go to bed (and I was around 7 so old for that). My grandparents would tell me I needed to stay in my bed, but they would read or watch TV in their room and I wouldn’t be “all alone”. That really really helped and I know after I fell asleep they went downstairs and carried on with their lives. For me it was temporary since I was only there for visits, but hopefully as your son gets more comfortable this wouldn’t be necessary.
 
Since he's so laser focused on me, would it be better if my husband did this or does it really not matter. Or maybe both of us?

You or both of you. He has been through something traumatic and has been separated from his previous caregivers for whatever reason. He now needs to form those bonds and attachments with you and your dh. 4 is still a very, very young child, and its ok to treat him tenderly and give lots of attention. If he is getting out of bed looking for mommy, give him mommy. I am a big proponent of the thought that you can't spoil them with love. So just be there, for him to know he is loved and safe even at night, even when he closes his eyes, he will know you are there.

It can take a long time for little ones to fall asleep, which is why I recommend a good book.
 


It's been three months. Three LONG months and our 4yo refuses to stay in bed.

Let me preface this by saying we are preadoptive parents. We have had our son for 18 months. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has been in therapy for two months. He is great 80% of the time. He's very well spoken, very social, polite, smart and observant.

We have tried everything you'd find on the internet. We've asked our therapist for advice and so far nothing she's suggested is working.

His therapist said he has expressed that he feels anxiety at bedtime and my guess is he doesn''t like to be alone. From what I've observed he seems to be focused on me while he's exhibiting these behaviors. He will hide in the next room smiling and then peek and look in my direction. We repeatedly take him upstairs and he will come downstairs up until we go to bed. Lately he has gotten more brazen and will walk right up next to me.

Does anyone have any idea of how we can build his confidence or whatever he needs to help him?
Your child has been traumatized and is trying to recover and is trying to bond with his new parents at the same time. That's a lot of extra work he's doing that most other kids his age aren't having to do, so he needs extra support.

Give him all the attention and love he seems to need, and don't try to compare his needs to those of a "typical" kid his age. He isn't typical right now. He'll get there eventually with lots of love, attention, help and guidance.

Don't let other people tell you how he "should" be sleeping right now. Some people are very judgy about that for young children, and I've never understood why. Your son will eventually sleep through the night alone. If it takes a few extra years for him to get there, it doesn't matter. Just be there for him along the way. If he needs one of you there until he falls asleep each night, then be there until he falls asleep. I recommend taking turns doing this, so he builds a strong attachment to you both, and so you both share the work.

The more loving and giving of yourselves that you are now, the less clingy he'll be later.
 
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I feel for you! I have a 4 year old and he sleeps with us every single night. He'll go to bed in his own room, but wakes up and crawls in with us. Sometimes we are proactive and one parent will just go sleep in his bed with him. I know it sometimes gets old, but I figure they are only little once, and if they are scared I should just sleep with him. Do what's right for you and your family, but know you're not alone.
 
Like other posters, I was afraid when in a room alone, at night, on another level of the hosue than the grown ups, well past age four, and having not gone through what your little guy has. I agree with the advice of being in his room, or nearby, but not interacting while he falls asleep.

Though, I suggest you ask him if he knws why he keeps getting up. Hopefully he can identify that he is worried about where you are, looking for you or your DH, etc---if not, ask if that is it. If so, then explain that he needs his sleep, so he must stay in bed and quiet (not interacting) but you or DH will stay in the room, or just outside in the hall or whatnot and read while he falls asleep. to help him out. Personally, I think it might be good to switch out which adult stays--so he relies on both of you, and you both get evenings of relaxing with a book and bonding with him and evenings of being free to move about downstairs. But it might need to be ore you early on. . .

(I am assuming, of course, that you have established a nice bedtime routine and follow it nightly).
 
I agree with everyone that’s said to meet your son where he is and don’t rush him. I can’t imagine what he’s dealing with at such a young age, but if he’s scared and doesn’t want to be alone - you are able to allay his fears.

I am a mother to three children who were all horrible sleepers for the first 8-10 years of their lives. My oldest slept on the floor next to my bed until he was 8 1/2 years old because he was scared of being alone in his room. It drove me crazy and I tried everything I could I think of to get him into his own bed. Nothing worked until he was ready. I learned my lesson with him and fought the other two much less. And they all eventually moved into their own rooms!

My favorite saying is “the days are long, but the years are short.” Be there for him as he needs you - even if you’re tired and frustrated. You won’t regret it.
 
I agree with staying in his room for a bit. - My child needed that when he was a toddler, even without PTSD.

First, I sat right next to his bed each night, then the next week or so a few feet away, then out in the hall, then down the hall in my room, etc. I had a little clip-on book light so I could read. It took time to make the transition, but it worked.
 
It could be separation anxiety, but he doesn't sound or seem upset? Our daughter did this at that age. She would keep coming back out as long as we were up. When we went to our bedroom, she wouldn't do it... So, we just started to going to our room at her bedtime (this is when I caved and let DH put a tv in our bedroom). Worked like a charm. And for the record, doing this put us on a different floor than our daughter (upper level master, lower level living and kid's rooms), so for her it wasn't being apart from us, as much as being in bed while we were still up 'having fun' or whatever. Some of what you said, made it sound more like this situation, that he just wants to be up because you all are...
 
My now 19 year old daughter went through this at about the same age. Sitting in her room while she went to sleep wasn't something I wanted to start without exhausting all other options. My SIL did that with my nephew and it didn't end until he was 9.

Anyway, what worked for my daughter was to give her a shirt of mine to sleep with and to tell her I'd check on her in 30 minutes. She actually slept in my shirt and when I checked on her she was sound asleep. She still has that shirt under her bed with her blankie.

How about something he can control like music? A reward system might work as well.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is keep trying to find something that will be self soothing for him. I think a parent becoming a security blanket for a child to sleep is a mistake. What happens if you aren't home for a few nights?
 
Thanks for all the ideas. As foster parents we aren't allowed to co-sleep with our son. Its one of the first things they teach you when training to take on a foster child. After he is ours we can do what we want but we are tied up with the legal side of this for at least another year. I think the consensus is that we should try getting comfy in his room until he falls asleep. We will try that and let you know how it goes.
 
Anyway, what worked for my daughter was to give her a shirt of mine to sleep with and to tell her I'd check on her in 30 minutes. She actually slept in my shirt and when I checked on her she was sound asleep. She still has that shirt under her bed with her blankie....Honestly, the best thing you can do is keep trying to find something that will be self soothing for him. I think a parent becoming a security blanket for a child to sleep is a mistake. What happens if you aren't home for a few nights?
Let's not start judging how people help their kids get to sleep. What works, works, as many have attested on this thread. Someone could just as easily say, "What happens when the blankie gets lost?", or "It's weird for a 19 year-old to sleep with a blankie & mommy's shirt under the bed." But there's no need as that's what was effective for that child, and every child is different. You're a good, responsive parent, as are others who choose to personally be there at night when their children fall asleep. What works, works.
 
It's been three months. Three LONG months and our 4yo refuses to stay in bed.

Let me preface this by saying we are preadoptive parents. We have had our son for 18 months. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has been in therapy for two months. He is great 80% of the time. He's very well spoken, very social, polite, smart and observant.

We have tried everything you'd find on the internet. We've asked our therapist for advice and so far nothing she's suggested is working.

His therapist said he has expressed that he feels anxiety at bedtime and my guess is he doesn''t like to be alone. From what I've observed he seems to be focused on me while he's exhibiting these behaviors. He will hide in the next room smiling and then peek and look in my direction. We repeatedly take him upstairs and he will come downstairs up until we go to bed. Lately he has gotten more brazen and will walk right up next to me.

Does anyone have any idea of how we can build his confidence or whatever he needs to help him?

I would simply bite the bullet and lie down with him.. that is what he needs. I did that with my kids, and they are independent, healthy kids. and my kids have no back history.
Stay in the room until he sleeps, trust me this will not go on until his is 18. lol... I think he just needs that security right now, give it to him.

But this discussion is often touchy.. as it's a topic where moms judge moms.. ex. Do I let my baby cry it out or not.. some experts say family bed, others not.. Just do what feels right. For me I would cuddle with that child until he fell asleep.. I assume he did not get any cuddles in his past life.
 
Thanks for all the ideas. As foster parents we aren't allowed to co-sleep with our son. Its one of the first things they teach you when training to take on a foster child. After he is ours we can do what we want but we are tied up with the legal side of this for at least another year. I think the consensus is that we should try getting comfy in his room until he falls asleep. We will try that and let you know how it goes.
Just now saw this, so my above comment is not realistic.. It does make sense the state protecting all parties.. I would get a nice reading chair, some dim lights and tell him now is his tie to sleep and now is "mommy" or whatever you refer to youself time. and this time is for you to be quiet and thinnk about all the nice things that happened today and what NiCE things you want to do tomorrow. Maybe suggest he thinks about that while he closes his eyes.. one advice.. if you are bored, do not play with your phone ( bad lighting and setting a bad example IMO) but with a book.. more calming.. maybe some music.
 
Since he's so laser focused on me, would it be better if my husband did this or does it really not matter. Or maybe both of us?
I dont know what his background or needs are.. But assuming he is traumitized, and focused on you, give him what he needs. Kids are usually more focused anyways to the mother. that is not unsual. Good luck with the adoption. sounds like this kids hit the lotto with you guys.
 
I feel for you! I have a 4 year old and he sleeps with us every single night. He'll go to bed in his own room, but wakes up and crawls in with us. Sometimes we are proactive and one parent will just go sleep in his bed with him. I know it sometimes gets old, but I figure they are only little once, and if they are scared I should just sleep with him. Do what's right for you and your family, but know you're not alone.
My kids are 12 and 13.. DD came down last night. " I cant sleep" so DH went up and guess where I slept, yup her bed!
 

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