Help with 4yo. - Won't stay in room at bed time

[Lilacs4Me]

All 3 of my kids went through stages where they wouldn't stay in bed. I didn't fight it....

for the first one, we transitioned him to a big kid bed when we moved when he was 2 1/2, and he ended up sleeping on his crib mattress in front of his bed for almost a year. He felt safer being near the ground and where he couldn't see the window. After that he would come into our room in the middle of the night, so eventually I started leaving a sleeping bag on the floor next to my side so when he came in he could lay there with his pillow and blanket. He would hold my hand as he feel back asleep.

He is 18 and in his first semester of college, and just typing this makes me miss him I *wish* he was still here to hold my hand at night instead of 5 hours away in a dorm!

He outgrew needing to sleep by us around kindergarten. But anytime he was feeling bad, he would come and lay down with me and we would just talk for a while.

DD14 and DS12 also did the sleeping bag thing for years. I think DD outgrew it around 7 or so (she was terrified of thunderstorms, so anytime there was a storm I would automatically put out the sleeping bag! And DS12 used to have night terrors, plus severe leg pain and gastro-intestinal pain at night, so he would often wake up and come into our room. He was the one that would quietly stand by my side until I woke up - freaked the heck out of me more than once! lol Once we got his pain management under control, he stopped coming to our room, which was when he was in 5th grade, about age 10.

I never made bedtime a battle...if it were me, I would set basic rules and boundaries and stick to them with the understanding that you have to be flexible based on your son's individual needs We never had much of a problem with the kids going to bed - our issues were them staying there all night - but they did go through screaming phases at bedtime when they were very young toddlers in cribs and we would do the patting their backs and not talking or making eye contact method, then sitting by the door, etc, etc until they stayed in bed or stopped crying and went to sleep. It didn't take long for them to fall asleep.

 

[TheFloatingBear]

Bedtime stuff is so tough! I saw your post yesterday but wasn't able to post...I still wanted to throw my two cents in, although some is just echoing what others have suggested. As a mom I've dealt with bedtime anxieties for years with my now 14 YO son (finally getting better, lol!). But I also used to work with children in state custody. The kids with whom I worked were adolescents in a residential treatment facility, however they all had a trauma history and a lot of the issues and challenges are similar. So, I apologize if I sound overly clinical, but to me the bed time issues can relate to the overall picture...

Given the situation you've described, your son has experienced significant trauma, and as parents, your support and love will help build a sense of safety and security to support the transition. I would have made the same suggestions about meeting him where he is and sitting in the room with him at bedtime, and I think it's great that you've established a bedtime routine - routine and predictability can be extra important for a child that's experienced trauma. Based on your description, this child lived in an environment where the adults let him down and were not caring for him properly. When I read your initial post, my first though was that he is making sure that you're "there" for him in a literal sense. It sounds like from your last post that he is looking for you when he wakes up in the night, so maybe the next step is making a plan for what to do when he wakes up in the middle of the night. I agree with PPs about both of you alternating - both for the reasons @h518may mentioned and also because IMO it's critical that he knows you're both going to keep him safe. I like the idea of him having a tee shirt of yours as a "security blanket" of sorts too, as well as night time routines -soothing music, book, night light, etc. (As an aside, when my son was about 8YO and having a particularly tough time with night time anxiety, we downloaded some lovely kids' bedtime meditations and it was very helpful!)

I agree with your therapist that it's happening as he becomes more comfortable in his new home and with you. So you mentioned that he's in therapy and it's important to keep in mind that what he's doing in therapy - even if it's "play" - at any age it is still "work" for him as he experiences this transition. It's something that will hopefully help him in the long run, but it's still work on his part, so changes or issues in behavior would not be unusual, and of course bedtime can be stressful for many kids.

I also agree about him testing boundaries, which brings me back to bedtime/big picture issues. I agree with PPs about meeting his needs but also being consistent and clear about the "business" of bedtime. Balancing love and compassion with routine and predictability. It can be important for a child that has a trauma history to know that the adults are "in charge" - this also builds a sense of security. To be clear, I'm not talking about style of discipline. As parents, we all find our own style of discipline and a lot can depend on our own personality/upbringing, our kids' personalities, etc... What I mean is more that your child knows, in the most basic sense, that you're going to take care of him, and that you're in charge (both in a practical and emotional sense) and keeping them safe. What this might look like with bed time would be, again, sticking to the routine, being reassuring but also letting him know that it's time for bed. I hope I'm making sense, and I know it sounds a little silly, but for many kids who have had these kind of experiences, it can be important and not something that they've taken for granted.

You and your spouse are giving your son such a gift, but it can be a challenging process - and as you mentioned above, sometimes a lonely process. I hope that you're able to find support/resources for yourself to help on the journey - your son's case manager or therapist may have ideas. Sorry for my rambling and best wishes for your family...

 

[cabanafrau]

Bedtime stuff is so tough! I saw your post yesterday but wasn't able to post...I still wanted to throw my two cents in, although some is just echoing what others have suggested. As a mom I've dealt with bedtime anxieties for years with my now 14 YO son (finally getting better, lol!). But I also used to work with children in state custody. The kids with whom I worked were adolescents in a residential treatment facility, however they all had a trauma history and a lot of the issues and challenges are similar. So, I apologize if I sound overly clinical, but to me the bed time issues can relate to the overall picture...

Given the situation you've described, your son has experienced significant trauma, and as parents, your support and love will help build a sense of safety and security to support the transition. I would have made the same suggestions about meeting him where he is and sitting in the room with him at bedtime, and I think it's great that you've established a bedtime routine - routine and predictability can be extra important for a child that's experienced trauma. Based on your description, this child lived in an environment where the adults let him down and were not caring for him properly. When I read your initial post, my first though was that he is making sure that you're "there" for him in a literal sense. It sounds like from your last post that he is looking for you when he wakes up in the night, so maybe the next step is making a plan for what to do when he wakes up in the middle of the night. I agree with PPs about both of you alternating - both for the reasons @h518may mentioned and also because IMO it's critical that he knows you're both going to keep him safe. I like the idea of him having a tee shirt of yours as a "security blanket" of sorts too, as well as night time routines -soothing music, book, night light, etc. (As an aside, when my son was about 8YO and having a particularly tough time with night time anxiety, we downloaded some lovely kids' bedtime meditations and it was very helpful!)

I agree with your therapist that it's happening as he becomes more comfortable in his new home and with you. So you mentioned that he's in therapy and it's important to keep in mind that what he's doing in therapy - even if it's "play" - at any age it is still "work" for him as he experiences this transition. It's something that will hopefully help him in the long run, but it's still work on his part, so changes or issues in behavior would not be unusual, and of course bedtime can be stressful for many kids.

I also agree about him testing boundaries, which brings me back to bedtime/big picture issues. I agree with PPs about meeting his needs but also being consistent and clear about the "business" of bedtime. Balancing love and compassion with routine and predictability. It can be important for a child that has a trauma history to know that the adults are "in charge" - this also builds a sense of security. To be clear, I'm not talking about style of discipline. As parents, we all find our own style of discipline and a lot can depend on our own personality/upbringing, our kids' personalities, etc... What I mean is more that your child knows, in the most basic sense, that you're going to take care of him, and that you're in charge (both in a practical and emotional sense) and keeping them safe. What this might look like with bed time would be, again, sticking to the routine, being reassuring but also letting him know that it's time for bed. I hope I'm making sense, and I know it sounds a little silly, but for many kids who have had these kind of experiences, it can be important and not something that they've taken for granted.

You and your spouse are giving your son such a gift, but it can be a challenging process - and as you mentioned above, sometimes a lonely process. I hope that you're able to find support/resources for yourself to help on the journey - your son's case manager or therapist may have ideas. Sorry for my rambling and best wishes for your family...

Words to take to heart. Every one of them.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

So we ran into a few bumps in the road over night but nothing earth shattering. He got up at 12, 2, and 4 am and was completely confused that I was not in his room. At midnight i caught him going downstairs and he was all confused wondering why we weren't downstairs. I did not sit with him in his room in the wee hours. I just reassured him that we were just down the hall and he was safe. Tonight my husband will be sitting with him. Those two have a completely different type of relationship so I am hoping he won't wander out in the middle of the night again. We're not keen having him in our room so we're going to just keep at it. The night went more smoothly and was way more peaceful for everyone despite him seeking me in the middle of the night.

I think it’s important that you switch off being the one to sit with him. What if something happens ( your appendix ruptures) and you have to be gone
( hospital) overnight? That would be important that he is comforted by either of you being there.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Just jumping in to say that anything less then 2 hours is terrific. And he only got up a couple of times? And you didn't have to stay another hour each time?

You are doing great!

I swear I fell asleep on the floor of our son's room from sheer exhaustion, he got up so many times. (yes, I know you aren't suppose to sleep in his room.)

 

[Deb & Bill]

Could you have a pillowcase made with both your photos on it as well as his? Like a family photo on the pillowcase. It might make him feel less alone. Or put a poster of a family photo on his wall right next to his bed. So he can see you right there with him?

 

[VandVsmama]

So how did it go at bedtime this evening? Hopefully night #2 was pretty good! We're all rooting for your family.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Sounds like you're on your way. My kids did best when we had the same routine every single night. Bath, brush, read together, book (on "tape" then). Both kids wanted a light on (and not a wimpy nightlight), so we got a desk lamp for each of them, which worked for DS (6 years older than DD). DD still wanted the full overhead light on, which we did. She's 19 now and still tends to sleep with the overhead light on

One thing -- my kids each around that age (non-traumatized) started getting night terrors -- just waking up screaming after being asleep for an hour and a half. I brought a dream catcher and hung it in their room, told them the story of it, and it was like magic. When DD started, I tried to take DS's from his room and put it in hers and he wouldn't let me.

 

[LJSquishy]

I was going to suggest cosleeping because it's pretty clear that would be the most comforting to him but I see it's not an option.

What about walkie-talkies for each of you so he can chat with you from his room to know you're right there when he's scared? Or perhaps even video monitors where he can see YOU (living room or wherever you normally are when you put him in bed)?

I used to do the same thing as your son except I didn't have any trauma. I was terrified to be alone and every night was a huge fight. It actually continued into middle school and for years I'd fall asleep crying outside of my parents' locked bedroom door. Eventually my mom put a pillow and blanket on the floor in their room for me and eventually I decided I would sleep in my own bed. Honestly, being not allowed in my parents room was traumatizing for me and I don't think my parents understood that. It's very natural to cosleep (most adults don't like to sleep alone) and because of my experience this really pulls at my heartstrings and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this (and have a bunch of red tape).

 

[Pumbaa_]

Do you have any pets? That might help teach both responsibility and companionship

 

[PollyannaMom]

What about walkie-talkies for each of you so he can chat with you from his room to know you're right there when he's scared? Or perhaps even video monitors where he can see YOU (living room or wherever you normally are when you put him in bed)?

Oooh, that's clever too!

 

[dakotix]

So we've kept at it. So far we have seen some improvement but the whole week last week it ended up taking him an hour plus to fall asleep (a lot of tossing/ turning). I offered him a quarter earlier yesterday if he went right to bed and stayed there. Last night he was asleep after only 20 minutes which was soooo nice. I'm not super keen on giving money to reward him but for now money is just a thing like a sticker. Soon he'll get bored of that and we'll have to find some other kind of reward.

 

[dakotix]

Oooh, that's clever too!

I actually thought of taking the baby monitor and putting the camera in the living room so he could see us. Not sure if this would cause him to stay up later tjhough

 

[LovesTimone]

Suggestions - night light - noise machines waves, rain, wind, heartbeat - one of those machines that project something on the ceiling and soft lullaby music - this works great it keeps them watching while the movement and sound lull them to sleep... A stuffed animal that lights up when he hugs it.

 

[MrsPete]

Multiple thoughts:

- This child is a special needs child who's still in a transition period. We can't judge him by the same standards as kids who've had easier lives. What does his doctor and/or therapist say?
- At the same time, the parents need the child to go to bed so they can have some rest. They will be better parents if they can manage this.
- Is he getting plenty of run-around time and is he going to be at an appropriate hour? To say it differently, is he worn out when he gets into bed? Making him tired will help him fall asleep faster. Maybe try a family walk before bath time and an extra half hour of staying-up time?
- A bedtime routine was instrumental in getting my girls to sleep: Bath, pajamas, books and cuddling. Maybe make up a family good-night kiss or ritual that includes a promise that you'll still be together tomorrow? Maybe laying out clothes together and talking about tomorrow's plans?
- How about getting him a puppy to sleep with?
- How about getting him a teddy bear, and he is responsible for "putting it to bed"?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Nice to see that there might be progress!!!

I agree with Mrs. Pete. (And possibly others. I haven't read thru all of the posts )
Kids need consistancy.
Kids learn and go forward based on what they have experienced in that situation in the past.

This is going to be true of any child, either special needs, or not....

While I totally understand that this is a very special needs child, and a very delicate situation....
The very short term and end goal, should be for the child to be able to sleep independently.
IMHO, that is what is best for everyone in the picture....
Not just what many parents might want... But what is best for the child as well.

Anything that leads this child to continue to hope and expect, or believe, that co-sleeping and having another person have to be there 24/7, might not be a good course of action. Or anything that might lead the child to hope and/or expect that 'just keep at it, and you can get a monetary bribe', might not be a good course of action.

 

[cabanafrau]

It's great that there are signs of progress. Take what you can out of some of the ideas here, but for the most part keep your eye on the special needs and working with the professionals. I understand how challenging it is to work with your child's sleep problems -- mom and dad with lack of sleep aren't at their best either. I know you will get there, but it might not be a done deal after initial success in your case, so be prepared to deal with that likely disappointment and continue working toward permanent success. I've heard experts talking several times about sleep and other issues with special needs children as they move through the adoption process and towards settling in with their forever family homelife. They say it's a tough climb, but the parents who work hard to maintain a steady pace make the most progress. Good luck to you.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Multiple thoughts:

- This child is a special needs child who's still in a transition period. We can't judge him by the same standards as kids who've had easier lives. What does his doctor and/or therapist say?
- At the same time, the parents need the child to go to bed so they can have some rest. They will be better parents if they can manage this.
- Is he getting plenty of run-around time and is he going to be at an appropriate hour? To say it differently, is he worn out when he gets into bed? Making him tired will help him fall asleep faster. Maybe try a family walk before bath time and an extra half hour of staying-up time?
- A bedtime routine was instrumental in getting my girls to sleep: Bath, pajamas, books and cuddling. Maybe make up a family good-night kiss or ritual that includes a promise that you'll still be together tomorrow? Maybe laying out clothes together and talking about tomorrow's plans?
- How about getting him a puppy to sleep with?
- How about getting him a teddy bear, and he is responsible for "putting it to bed"?

I like all of these except for the puppy. - I wouldn't do something like that until everything was officially, legally, permanent.

Also, be cautious on the "wearing him out" thing. - Balance is key!! You want kids tired at bedtime, but not overtired (which is worse than not tired at all!)

 

[holden]

I haven't read the whole thread, but we had trouble with our DD when she was 2 and new to our home (we also fostered/adopted). I agree that you need to give hime whatever security he needs. We used a bed tent to encourage her to stay in her bed. I'm sure they must still make them. She loved sleeping in her tent! It made her feel safe and secure.