Holiday blues...vent

As far as the running up to all the family events. I don't want to but DH pushes it, at least for all his family stuff. It's all part of his need to be going and doing all the time (he pushes to drive up there but then doesn't think I need to be doing chores, necessarily...just that we need to go visit the family, a lot). And he is actually an introvert like me but has this need to do stuff all the time (like an introvert with ADHD). I do tell him to go ahead without me (he's at a basketball game with a coworker tonight). So we went to niece's Quinceanera (that was terrible timing for us and I would have said no as we really had to move a lot of pieces around and miss out on some other important stuff to go) and now we have an invite to her confirmation party, also bad timing. DH will push to go and I say no. He will also not be too happy that I won't go pick up DDs for break in 2 weeks or drive them back in Jan to get flight to FL for marathon. He and his folks are on me about it not being 'safe' for them to drive all the way here and back. Shoot, they were on us about getting them back up earlier than planned after Thanksgiving because 'weather' was coming in. And my mom was bent because they left early and weren't around for a lighted boat parade we planned to watch. No winning!
Then you know what? He can take his sweet booty and pick up HIS daughters if he is so insistent they are incapable of driving themselves. Ain't nobody got time for that foolishness.
 
I think a lot of people think this is easier to stay disengaged from than it is. My parents said for years that they would move near me, move into a senior living community, etc. and do their best to never be a burden. Then they started to get to the point where they needed help and their tune changed. For the most part, while still trying to respectful I have ignored many of their current wishes and gone with things that I knew they had always said they wanted. Getting them home help kept failing (they would fire whoever I hired) so I pushed hard to get them moved into a place, got rid of their car, took over their finances, etc. I could have left them to fail, but the cost would have been very high. They literally could have killed someone in the car, given away all their money, burned their house down. I honestly can't fathom leaving them in that situation when I had the ability to help - they are my parents.

I have worked hard to maintain a balance, but it still involves a lot of hard work from me. They get their day to day needs managed, but there is a lot more to it. We desperately need more geriatric care managers that help with all the details of their lives - there are none in their town. Stuff comes up. My plan for my next visit involves 3 drs. appointments and some banking, plus the normal tasks of helping mom sort through her junk mail, etc. I agree that you can't force siblings to help, but it sure would make it easier if we divided the workload and if those who live close enough would take on some of it.

In this case, the OP obviously has some work to do to make it more manageable, but even that will take work and time to accomplish. Not only will she need to let mom fail, but she'll probably need to help mom get things set up when she cries uncle. Her mom became needy very young and seems to be playing games since she is still "able" enough to work and drive, so it's hard for us to fathom, but the reality is most of us will get to a needy stage at some point. All of us hope to keep our faculties and be able to manage ourselves to the end, but that's simply not everyone's reality. Until you have experienced it, you have no idea how overwhelming it is. OP was venting out of frustration and her frustration is valid.

My DH's dad dropped dead out of the blue young. He was only 73. That was really hard, but after watching my parents my DH says now his dad went the easy way and he hopes he does the same.
 
My mother is 71, born in 1948 and thank god is nothing like OP's mom.
You are fortunate, then.

(This is not directed at you, but) not everyone has money enough to hire out for chores or move into fancy retirement homes or facilities, either. Someone has to deal with the fallout, and in many cases it does fall to the children (which may be nieces, nephews or grandchildren), otherwise people are left to falter. I saw a sad case recently where an elderly person was sick from not taking his medications because of confusion, and he had no one around to help him. This can be the reality for people alone.
 
I think a lot of people think this is easier to stay disengaged from than it is. My parents said for years that they would move near me, move into a senior living community, etc. and do their best to never be a burden. Then they started to get to the point where they needed help and their tune changed. For the most part, while still trying to respectful I have ignored many of their current wishes and gone with things that I knew they had always said they wanted. Getting them home help kept failing (they would fire whoever I hired) so I pushed hard to get them moved into a place, got rid of their car, took over their finances, etc. I could have left them to fail, but the cost would have been very high. They literally could have killed someone in the car, given away all their money, burned their house down. I honestly can't fathom leaving them in that situation when I had the ability to help - they are my parents.

I have worked hard to maintain a balance, but it still involves a lot of hard work from me. They get their day to day needs managed, but there is a lot more to it. We desperately need more geriatric care managers that help with all the details of their lives - there are none in their town. Stuff comes up. My plan for my next visit involves 3 drs. appointments and some banking, plus the normal tasks of helping mom sort through her junk mail, etc. I agree that you can't force siblings to help, but it sure would make it easier if we divided the workload and if those who live close enough would take on some of it.

In this case, the OP obviously has some work to do to make it more manageable, but even that will take work and time to accomplish. Not only will she need to let mom fail, but she'll probably need to help mom get things set up when she cries uncle. Her mom became needy very young and seems to be playing games since she is still "able" enough to work and drive, so it's hard for us to fathom, but the reality is most of us will get to a needy stage at some point. All of us hope to keep our faculties and be able to manage ourselves to the end, but that's simply not everyone's reality. Until you have experienced it, you have no idea how overwhelming it is. OP was venting out of frustration and her frustration is valid.

My DH's dad dropped dead out of the blue young. He was only 73. That was really hard, but after watching my parents my DH says now his dad went the easy way and he hopes he does the same.
I couldn’t agree with this more.
 


You are fortunate, then.

(This is not directed at you, but) not everyone has money enough to hire out for chores or move into fancy retirement homes or facilities, either. Someone has to deal with the fallout, and in many cases it does fall to the children (which may be nieces, nephews or grandchildren), otherwise people are left to falter. I saw a sad case recently where an elderly person was sick from not taking his medications because of confusion, and he had no one around to help him. This can be the reality for people alone.
My mother lives alone, and does not have any extra money to hire out chores or move to some fancy retirement community. However, I would in no way describe her as elderly.
 
This. It is so difficult and frustrating.
But you do not just leave them neglected. You decide how much you are physically and mentally able to do. You express that this is ALL you are able to do. And then let them know that you are there to explore other options so that everyone is okay.
If many efforts are not successful, then that family member is making their own choices.
Maybe they come around. Maybe they do not.
When you have done everything that you can possibly do, then this isn’t neglect or abandonment.
The same would go for a parent who has a troubled adult child. A child that for whatever reason is making self destructive choices. The advice that I always hear is that at some point you have to pull back, stop enabling, and if they hit bottom, then that might be a new beginning.
If there is real immediate danger like driving, fire, etc, then there are steps you can take.

OP, I know how this must hurt!!!
And not to mention the guilt.
I know you love your family and are very well meaning!
But what you might not see is that you are enabling, at the expense of your well being.

You have to take care of YOU
The other adults in your life should be doing more to take care of themselves.

What would happen and what would everyone do if something catastrophic happened to you?

It is way to much of a burden for anyone to bear to be held responsible for the lives and well being of everyone. To be everything for everybody. Because that is what they want and is convenient for them
 
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I get depressed every year at this time. I don't know why. I think I am sad my kids are not little anymore.
I have a bit of that. And a bit of some negative things that happened this time of year, traumas, that also makes me a bit, um, down (like my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer on Dec 19 and died on Dec 31). I also hate the whole gifting thing. Like buying things people want or like, it's always a crap shoot. And also getting things I want or like, which I rarely do and then feel wasteful donating to Goodwill. I'd rather NOT exchange any gifts at all. Seriously. I'd be fine with just having a dinner. My mom was always a basket case over the holidays too, growing up. I just feel my skin crawl when November hits. Just dreading the whole thing. Gosh, when the kids were little I was wanting to speed through the years to get to now. And, now, I'd give anything to have one day with them being little again.
 
I get depressed every year at this time. I don't know why. I think I am sad my kids are not little anymore.
You have had a lot of heartache in your family. :hug: I was thinking of you the other day when I heard that story about the plane crash that killed, was it, nine family members (and three were spared). Unbelievably tragic. And so was yours.
 
You have had a lot of heartache in your family. :hug: I was thinking of you the other day when I heard that story about the plane crash that killed, was it, nine family members (and three were spared). Unbelievably tragic. And so was yours.

Thank you. It really does seem surreal that my family has been personally affected by a plane crash. It's not something that happens everyday. My nephew who is paralyzed will get depressed and angry. I remind him that he survived a plane crash and how many people can say that?
 
My mother lives alone, and does not have any extra money to hire out chores or move to some fancy retirement community. However, I would in no way describe her as elderly.


Most people are not elderly at 71, but that doesn't mean some aren't. The "elderly" stage hits different people at different ages. I thank God every day my parents (in their late 80's and unable to live alone) have the money to help with their care because I'm working really hard to take care of them even with the help.
 
You are fortunate, then.

(This is not directed at you, but) not everyone has money enough to hire out for chores or move into fancy retirement homes or facilities, either. Someone has to deal with the fallout, and in many cases it does fall to the children (which may be nieces, nephews or grandchildren), otherwise people are left to falter. I saw a sad case recently where an elderly person was sick from not taking his medications because of confusion, and he had no one around to help him. This can be the reality for people alone.
I think it was easier for earlier generations to have the funds between healthy life insurance policies, investments/dividends, and SS. Not always of course just that it kinda appears to have been easier. Certainly that was how it was easier on my grandmother and my husband's grandmother.

I agree on the alone part but I'm not sure that's a problem we can ever truly fully resolve. There will always be people, elderly or young or middle-aged, etc that have no one to care for or look after or even check on and not everyone is going to have people willing nor have the funds to do so. It's really unfortunate though.

Sometimes the demeanor of a person, right or wrong, will determine how willing a person, if they are there in the first place, is. Lordy knows my aunt, uncle and my mom were all at their wit's end with my grandmother. They were there to help her so much but you can only take so much before you're like "ya know what I can't just drop everything and come over everytime you mess up the tv because you pressed a wrong button on the remote because you can't see very well and you're not overly comfortable with how to even come about fixing it"..one time my grandmother yelled at my mom for 30mins about how ungrateful she was for not coming over to fix the tv (it was just an issue with the input that my grandmother had pressed a wrong button) in a snow storm :sad2:.

The 'meanest' if you will my husband's grandmother got was she would get upset, pout, attempt to bribe, etc us when we would say no to additional salt she wanted to put on her food (out of habit) that were now against doctors orders. My mother-in-law did much of the same stuff for her mom that my mom, my aunt and to an extent my uncle did for my grandmother and when she was to the point where she couldn't live alone, even though she had the money, she moved in with my mother-in-law and her husband (something that just wouldn't have been feasible in my grandmother's case). My mother-in-law didn't really work either in the traditional sense affording her the ability to have so much more time too to do things without worrying about time off and time constraints. My mother-in-law was nowhere near as mentally and physically exhausted though at the time of her mom's passing in comparison to how my family felt with my grandmother.
 
so you know what? Your DH and HIS parents can drive your kids back to college. Because YOU are not doing it. Just say no. It gets easier the more you do it. The world will not stop turning on its axis.

How old are these college “kids?” If they can take trips alone then it would seem to me that they can manage their own transport back and forth to school.

You need to let them grow up. Put them in charge of their own lives so that you don’t have two more leaning on you for everything.
 
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I am not understanding how it’s less dangerous for you to do all that driving to get your daughters than it is for them to do it. And if you have to bring the other car back, won’t one of them have to drive anyway? I mean you said one drives an ambulance! Sounds like she can drive pretty well!

Stop worrying about others getting “on” you about driving and weather and stuff. When they do just keep saying “they will be fine” or “this is what we are doing”. You, your dh and your daughters are 4 adults that should be able to determine what is safe and is not. And if you and he do not agree, then he can fix it to his liking.
 
I am not understanding how it’s less dangerous for you to do all that driving to get your daughters than it is for them to do it. And if you have to bring the other car back, won’t one of them have to drive anyway? I mean you said one drives an ambulance! Sounds like she can drive pretty well!

Stop worrying about others getting “on” you about driving and weather and stuff. When they do just keep saying “they will be fine” or “this is what we are doing”. You, your dh and your daughters are 4 adults that should be able to determine what is safe and is not. And if you and he do not agree, then he can fix it to his liking.
Yep. I told DDs last night that they will be driving all the way here and they were fine with it. They don't care. And DD drives the ambo so she is very able. The other is a sucky driver but they can manage, taking turns. ANd I am trying to see if our state will allow the old car to be inspected up there then they can bring the other car which is new-ish and more reliable. DH will bristle at the decision but oh well.
 
Yep. I told DDs last night that they will be driving all the way here and they were fine with it. They don't care. And DD drives the ambo so she is very able. The other is a sucky driver but they can manage, taking turns. ANd I am trying to see if our state will allow the old car to be inspected up there then they can bring the other car which is new-ish and more reliable. DH will bristle at the decision but oh well.

Good for you! I am really happy to see you are taking action and making changes! It will be the best Christmas gift you can give youraelf!
 
Yep. I told DDs last night that they will be driving all the way here and they were fine with it. They don't care. And DD drives the ambo so she is very able. The other is a sucky driver but they can manage, taking turns. ANd I am trying to see if our state will allow the old car to be inspected up there then they can bring the other car which is new-ish and more reliable. DH will bristle at the decision but oh well.
Doesn't that feel better now that you can cross that off your list?
 
OP, I mean this in the nicest way possible. Your daughters are adults. One is an EMT and drives an ambulance for a living. That seems to me to be a stressful job that requires a high level of responsibility. However, you are twisting yourself into knots figuring out how to get their car inspected, how far they should drive, when they should drive, how they will get to the airport, and on and on. Let them figure it out. It seems like there is definitely some anxiety at play here.
 
As far as the running up to all the family events. I don't want to but DH pushes it, at least for all his family stuff. It's all part of his need to be going and doing all the time (he pushes to drive up there but then doesn't think I need to be doing chores, necessarily...just that we need to go visit the family, a lot). And he is actually an introvert like me but has this need to do stuff all the time (like an introvert with ADHD). I do tell him to go ahead without me (he's at a basketball game with a coworker tonight). So we went to niece's Quinceanera (that was terrible timing for us and I would have said no as we really had to move a lot of pieces around and miss out on some other important stuff to go) and now we have an invite to her confirmation party, also bad timing. DH will push to go and I say no. He will also not be too happy that I won't go pick up DDs for break in 2 weeks or drive them back in Jan to get flight to FL for marathon. He and his folks are on me about it not being 'safe' for them to drive all the way here and back. Shoot, they were on us about getting them back up earlier than planned after Thanksgiving because 'weather' was coming in. And my mom was bent because they left early and weren't around for a lighted boat parade we planned to watch. No winning!

Perfect illustration of how his behavior and demands are an echo of your mom's -- insisting things be done their way, without being the one to actually exert the effort.

It's actually empowering for your daughters to step up and embrace adult responsibilities of their lifestyles.
 
Yes, the above just nails it.
You have been letting them require you to do everything for them, when where and how they want.
It is not right for anyone to have that kind of demands and control over another person.

This discussion about the transportation for your daughters was a really great first step!!!!!
Baby steps!!!
It might be much harder to sort things out with your husband and your mother.
Small steps, but, in the end, you can come a long way!!!

Again, HUGS!!!
 

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