The dog....he can't get on the bed. We, for a while, would lift him on it but then he'd jump down 30 mins later. Because he keeps having a disc issues in his back we stopped putting him on the bed. Don't want his jumping down to hurt his back. He has a dog bed in our bedroom and will lay in that and on the floor, he moves back and forth through the night. But the scratching on the side of bed in the wee hours, I have figured out, is from DH's loud snoring. When DH is away or when I have the dog with me at my mom's the dog sleeps through the night and doesn't get up until I do. Sometimes I will sleep in guest bedroom, with and without the dog, so as to get a straight night sleep. Last night it was 2:30am when the dog scratched the bed. I brought him to the living room, like usual, and laid on sofa and he laid in his dog bed he has out here (we have 3 beds in various rooms). He can jump on sofa after several tries but I now have pillows and blankets blocking the edges so he won't jump. The dog might have dementia too. That may be part of it because sometimes he will get up in middle of night and leave the room for a drink or to just wander the house or even scratch to go outside (he is also nearly blind and I think he has day and night mixed as he sleeps hard during the day). I have posted in the various dog threads about him as it's been an ongoing problem. I keep thinking his days are numbered and then he bounces back. So who knows...maybe he will live to 16.
The part you said about my mom. Yes, she is lonely. She moved from family home to being married to my dad at age 20 and never knew how to be alone. After she grieved my dad, about 18 months later, she was on the hunt for a boyfriend and has had 2 long term and a couple short term. This past few years, which also coincided with me moving away, she has not had a boyfriend. I think she works her little side job for some social aspect as she doesn't need to work and it is a kind of far drive and early start time (like 35 min drive and like 7am start). She has been going to a lot of doctors for her ailments (like a couple a week....it's always something) and we started to wonder if this too was for some attention. I think it's 2 part...one is she is terrified that she'll have a sudden death kinda like my dad and two is she gets attention from people (the doctors and from me). And having arthritis but not being able to take ibuprofin (she is on blood thinner for A Fib) is painful for her. I, myself, am starting to have the joint pains so I can't imagine not being able to take ibuprofin.
And she does say 'if your father was here...' all the time. He was not only handy but he built a 2 story garage, decks, finished basements, put up fences, made gardens....he could do any repairs. He maintained the cars. He dealt with people, like when buying a car or disputing some bill or something. So she's had to figure all this out on her own, as an older person not being used to doing these things. I do commend her for having to do that. She has bought a few cars on her own, hired companies to renovate her house, dealt with insurance issues and the such. She goes on trips with friends as a solo. I took her to HHI this past Aug and she did drive down to me to go. When my dad first died, we lived 2 hours from her and she drove herself to visit and got lost and was anxious and came in 4 hours later all a mess and in tears. For 34 years she had relied on my dad to drive and navigate. Now she can drive 5.5 hours to me (she won't do it often, and maybe only to go to HHI which she LOVES).
She has had to learn to do all these things for herself. And for years I didn't do much, if anything, to help. She even worked full time for many years after my dad died. But her knees went out (she got really heavy), I moved away and she dumped the boyfriend all around the same time (2-3 years ago). This summer I didn't do her yard care...she did it herself (DDs and I may have done it once when up there but I wasn't driving up every week to do it, no way). And when I was just up for Thanksgiving we (my DD) drug her fake tree up from the basement but didn't set it up. I did do the decorating last year (just inside decor, never outdoor). I know she would have liked me to set it up but I wasn't about to. She doesn't really ask me to do these things for her (well, she did at first and then I lost it with her one day and now she won't ask outright). She does a passive aggressive thing, like "you don't have to do this, I am not asking you...BUT...I need X" and if I don't do it she might snark about it later.
It really is all my own fault as I should just shrug and not do it. But I don't mind doing some stuff and helping when I can. I actually would love to help more...but on my time (without being dictated to, like the Thanksgiving meal) and without the horrible drive to get there (nothing I can do about that). And I am having to go up there a lot due to it being the halfway point for DDs and all our other family is up there (we have to go back for various family events like so-and-so's anniversary party and the such...don't HAVE to but we then also visit with our DDs who drive down from college and I can help my mom...and if we have a couple events over a 2 week period I will just stay 2 weeks...like I have to figure out here at the end of the month if I am doing that...when I stay 2 weeks I can run my mom on her errands and take her to her doctor appts which then I can hear what's going on firsthand...and I do end up doing some chores too). When we moved, and DDs went off to college, my mom finished her basement (full bathroom, mini kitchen, room with TV and 2 pull out sofas). So we do have a nice space there. Though I detest the 2 little pull outs.
I just want calmer though and it's not with all this running. And DH pushes all the running because he himself can't sit still. DDs graduate one year from now so there is a light at the end of that tunnel (unless they stay up there, which is prob about 60% likely). Past 24 hours they have been blowing up my phone...fighting with each other and moaning to me about it (they live off campus in a house together with 2 other people). Le sigh!
You haven't seen the forest for the trees yet. You're headed in the right direction, though. I think you should consider counseling to help you sort out some of this. It might be helpful. Navigating things with an increasingly needy manipulative aging parent is very very hard unless you have firmly defined boundaries.
