How can I nicely tell MIL I don't like her gift idea?

[Turksmom]

Hyperbole. Invalid analogy. Unless someone were to reduce the cake to dust mote size bits and circulate the results through the air.

===

OP, if anyone else suggested this, i apologize. Simply mention the concert tour to your husband (hey, did you see KISS is...) and get his reaction. If he is interested or excited, at that point express your feelings about attending.

I've been waiting to see or hear an ad while we're together, so I could see his reaction. He knows how I feel about them, so he'd think it was weird if I'd just bring it up out of the blue.

 

[luvsJack]

No, I really don't know if it's something he even wants. I told MIL that and that she or I would have to ask directly, but she has said she doesn't want to do that.

But you seem to think he probably would.

The only way I see around it is asking him.

If I get my kids tickets for something for Christmas, I make sure it’s what they would want. If there are options I want to make sure I am getting the tickets they would want. Then I tell them “oops, they are sold out” and don’t mention it again.

Just say “would you like tickets to the KISS concert?” If he says yes, ask if he would still want them if you do not go with him. You will have your answer. If he asks later if someone is getting them, just sort of nonchalantly say “I don’t thinks so” or that you don’t know.

Otherwise what are you going to say Christmas Day when MIL tells him “I was going to get you tickets to see KISS but Turksmom said you don’t like them anymore”? And you have to see the hurt look on his face?

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

I absolutely hate my MIL's Christmas ideas and have tried in nice ways to tell her but it goes nowhere. She is very strong about what we do, how we do presents which is one person opens and we all watch one at a time, what she gives which always goes more to my husband and I get scraps of tons of crazy silly presents. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. For me Christmas should be one thoughtful gift. She likes lots of what I consider wasteful silly gifts. Then I have to give lots of gifts and I only want to give her a bottle of very nice wine which her and her husband like. What makes this really bad is her birthday is the next day the 26th and my husband's birthday and brother's and mine are all in Dec. Uggh do I sound like Scrooge lol.

 

[TheDisneyNurse]

Then you would have an underlying problem in YOUR marriage.

Not married, but thanks.

We’re getting quite off topic now. Clearly we don’t agree. Good day, I’m sorry to bother you.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

For me Christmas should be one thoughtful gift and it doesn't have to expensive.

I'd have to say though in the context of this thread it def. sounds like the mother-in-law is trying to get a thoughtful Christmas gift. The mother-in-law is just wondering if her son would actually be interested in the band or not because he was years ago.

 

[Turksmom]

But you seem to think he probably would.

The only way I see around it is asking him.

If I get my kids tickets for something for Christmas, I make sure it’s what they would want. If there are options I want to make sure I am getting the tickets they would want. Then I tell them “oops, they are sold out” and don’t mention it again.

Just say “would you like tickets to the KISS concert?” If he says yes, ask if he would still want them if you do not go with him. You will have your answer. If he asks later if someone is getting them, just sort of nonchalantly say “I don’t thinks so” or that you don’t know.

Otherwise what are you going to say Christmas Day when MIL tells him “I was going to get you tickets to see KISS but Turksmom said you don’t like them anymore”? And you have to see the hurt look on his face?

No, when I say I don't know. I honestly have no idea. He's seen the band before, so it isn't like it's been a lifelong dream. I suggested asking directly, MIL said no. I would not tell her he didn't like them anymore or didn't want to go unless I was sure that's how he felt. I wish she would ask him- then I could tell him I won't go and he can decide if it's still something he would want. I think the dynamic shifts if he already has tickets and then I say no.

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

I'd have to say though in the context of this thread it def. sounds like the mother-in-law is trying to get a thoughtful Christmas gift. The mother-in-law is just wondering if her son would actually be interested in the band or not because he was years ago.

Yeah, I guess you are right maybe I'm projecting lol. My husband also hates my MIL's gifts. She may think she's doing good but I tell her please do not do a lot of gifts, lets just do one and she actually said right to me, "I can't do that" lol. I guess my point is it's hard to tell your MIL things even if this situation is different. I think she should try and tell her but it's not easy.

 

[Turksmom]

I absolutely hate my MIL's Christmas ideas and have tried in nice ways to tell her but it goes nowhere. She is very strong about what we do, how we do presents which is one person opens and we all watch one at a time, what she gives which always goes more to my husband and I get scraps of tons of crazy silly presents. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. For me Christmas should be one thoughtful gift. She likes lots of what I consider wasteful silly gifts. Then I have to give lots of gifts and I only want to give her a bottle of very nice wine which her and her husband like. What makes this really bad is her birthday is the next day the 26th and my husband's birthday and brother's and mine are all in Dec. Uggh do I sound like Scrooge lol.

That does sound rough! My MIL is great. I just feel like this is going to cause some difficulty I'd rather avoid. Maybe you should keep that bottle of wine to help you get through the holidays!

 

[Hikergirl]

No, I really don't know if it's something he even wants. I told MIL that and that she or I would have to ask directly, but she has said she doesn't want to do that.[/QUOTE]

So since you have already told her that, it is now up to her whether or not she gifts your dh the tickets or not.

 

[luvsJack]

No, when I say I don't know. I honestly have no idea. He's seen the band before, so it isn't like it's been a lifelong dream. I suggested asking directly, MIL said no. I would not tell her he didn't like them anymore or didn't want to go unless I was sure that's how he felt. I wish she would ask him- then I could tell him I won't go and he can decide if it's still something he would want. I think the dynamic shifts if he already has tickets and then I say no.

What would you have done if she had bought the tickets without asking you?

Also is there perhaps another band that he would like as much or more that you would go with him?

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

I'd have to say though in the context of this thread it def. sounds like the mother-in-law is trying to get a thoughtful Christmas gift. The mother-in-law is just wondering if her son would actually be interested in the band or not because he was years ago.

Yes but my MIL is trying to be thoughtful too, I think she thinks we like it. We know she likes it. Not only these tons of gifts but also she will triple and quadruple wrap them, meaning take a big box, then put a smaller one and smaller one inside so you have to keep unwrapping, we HATE it and it's been going on 20 years lol. We don't know how to tell her we don't like it. I guess this woman is having a hard time telling her MIL her husband may not like her present so it seemed somewhat similar guess lol.

 

[Turksmom]

What would you have done if she had bought the tickets without asking you?

Also is there perhaps another band that he would like as much or more that you would go with him?

Excellent question- I really don't know how I would have reacted. I don't think she's set on buying concert tickets, I think it's just Kiss because he was a big fan in high school, but that was also 30 years ago!

 

[PollyannaMom]

It’s not a gift for you, so you don’t have to like it. It reminds me of when I would complain about the type of cakes my siblings would want for their birthday. That’s when I learned that lesson, I was probably around 5 or 6.

I get this, and it's definitely an important lesson! But I also think degree of preference matters. - If your brother loves chocolate cake, but you like vanilla better, he should of course have chocolate for his birthday, and you should be gracious. But if your brother simply prefers chocolate, and you're allergic to it, he should be the gracious one and pick one of the five other flavors he likes almost as much.

...But I sense if this was OP's DH absolute life dream to go to a Kiss concert that OP would probably go, as most people would. But it sounds like it's just a silly concert of a band that was popular when he was coming of age . I wouldn't give it another thought. Life is too short to go to a Kiss concert. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. Lol.

Exactly. If he'd never been and it was always his dream, I would say she should go. But he's been before, and she had a bad experience last time, so he shouldn't make her go again.

It's all about how important the thing is to each party. The edge goes where it matters more - and in this case, I expect she has a stronger reason for not going than he has for going. She'd lose more then he'd gain.

 

[piccolopat]

So you think that you will end up hanging with the band and have another unpleasant encounter? Seems like a stretch.

I don't think the chances of another encounter are relevant. If the OP had a bad experience with a member of this band, I don't see why she should be expected to go. I stand by my earlier recommendation that she discuss other options with her MIL.

 

[Turksmom]

I get this, and it's definitely an important lesson! But I also think degree of preference matters. - If your brother loves chocolate cake, but you like vanilla better, he should of course have chocolate for his birthday, and you should be gracious. But if your brother simply prefers chocolate, and you're allergic to it, he should be the gracious one and pick one of the five other flavors he likes almost as much.



Exactly. If he'd never been and it was always his dream, I would say she should go. But he's been before, and she had a bad experience last time, so he shouldn't make her go again.

It's all about how important the thing is to each party. The edge goes where it matters more - and in this case, I expect she has a stronger reason for not going than he has for going. She'd lose more then he'd gain.

Yes, that last part. I've even wondered if husband hasn't mentioned it because he knows how I feel about it and wouldn't want to go without me. If he'd say, "Hey, I'm going to buy tickets an go with so-and so", he knows I wouldn't object. The problem is if MIL buys tickets, even if he didn't care about going, he won't want her to have wasted the money (she lives close and babysits for us when we go out, so it would be difficult to just not go without her knowing) and then if I won't go, it becomes a thing.

 

[jiminyC_fan]

This whole thread truly makes me sad. Sometimes it isn't all about us. Sometimes we do things for others that doesn't make us happy just to make THEM happy. Sometimes we expect others to do the same for us. I'm in the camp of suck it up. For the record, I have been happily married for 43 years.

 

[Turksmom]

I don't think the chances of another encounter are relevant. If the OP had a bad experience with a member of this band, I don't see why she should be expected to go. I stand by my earlier recommendation that she discuss other options with her MIL.

I think I'm just going to have to come out and tell her that I'm not going to go with him and let her decide.

 

[piccolopat]

I think I'm just going to have to come out and tell her that I'm not going to go with him and let her decide.

You might also let your MIL know that you won't go because of your earlier bad encounter and not just because you don't like the band. Since she's asking your opinion, it sounds like she is a considerate person and someone who would understand your reasoning.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes but my MIL is trying to be thoughtful too, I think she thinks we like it. We know she likes it. Not only these tons of gifts but also she will triple and quadruple wrap them, meaning take a big box, then put a smaller one and smaller one inside so you have to keep unwrapping, we HATE it and it's been going on 20 years lol. We don't know how to tell her we don't like it. I guess this woman is having a hard time telling her MIL her husband may not like her present so it seemed somewhat similar guess lol.

You know, if your MIL enjoys buying the stuff and it makes Christmas for her to do these things, just accept it’s the way she is and it’s what she wants to do. It’s Christmas for her too!

Sometimes you just have to let people be what they be and quit worrying about how to change them. If she asked for your input, tell her. If not, suck it up, put a smile on your face and let her be happy.

 

[MrJT]

I just my tickets today-can't wait

I just got mine last night. Even though tickets are not "officially" on sale, the cheapest seats were long gone. So after paying $175 for two tickets (which are still in the balcony at the far end of the arena) for the "End of the Road", this really better be the last tour, because I won't get sucked into another marketing push.