Is this bad parenting? WWYD?

[MrsCobraBubbles]

RIP Stubbs. He passed away today. My daughter is upset, but not nearly as distraught as I thought she might be. Hoping she continues to take it OK.


*got the pic added finally, it's on page 2


This is a stupid, random thing that is happening in my life--so it's perfect for the community board, right? My kids and I kept a couple small whiskey barrel ponds in the backyard this summer. We stocked them with tadpoles at the beginning of June, and those tadpoles turned into frogs and hopped away, all but one. When we started tearing down the ponds for the winter, there was still a tadpole left in one of the ponds. He has tiny little back legs, and what appears to be an arm-bud where one of his front legs should be.

We took him inside the house where we could keep a close eye on him and make sure he was eating--I thought maybe the other tadpoles and fish in the ponds were stealing his food and surely he would turn if he just had better access to food. Nope. It's been 3 weeks and nothing has changed, except that now my daughter is really attached to him and invested in his success and survival. I'm worried that something is wrong with the little guy and he is going to die and break my daughter's heart. So since I am off today, I was considering going to the pond supply store and buying another tadpole for her, to either replace the one that is in there or to just distract her, I'm not real clear on exactly how it would work. To be honest, it kind of depends on whether I can get another tadpole in a similar stage of development this late in the season.

In your opinion, is that bad parenting? Should I leave it go and let her be sad about her sickly pet? Or should I try to fix it for her? My daughter is 7, if that matters.


*edit* I decided not to switch him out, we are keeping Stubbs for better or for worse. I wanted to attach a pic of him but I've never posted pics on here and I don't know how.

 

[Kae]

It's not bad parenting to do that. I wouldn't I would use it as one of the life moments. We lost our dog when my DD was about that age, she had not known life without him.

Kae

 

[sam_gordon]

This is a stupid, random thing that is happening in my life--so it's perfect for the community board, right? My kids and I kept a couple small whiskey barrel ponds in the backyard this summer. We stocked them with tadpoles at the beginning of June, and those tadpoles turned into frogs and hopped away, all but one. When we started tearing down the ponds for the winter, there was still a tadpole left in one of the ponds. He has tiny little back legs, and what appears to be an arm-bud where one of his front legs should be.

We took him inside the house where we could keep a close eye on him and make sure he was eating--I thought maybe the other tadpoles and fish in the ponds were stealing his food and surely he would turn if he just had better access to food. Nope. It's been 3 weeks and nothing has changed, except that now my daughter is really attached to him and invested in his success and survival. I'm worried that somthing is wrong with the little guy and he is going to die and break my daughter's heart. So since I am off today, I was considering going to the pond supply store and buying another tadpole for her, to either replace the one that is in there or to just distract her, I'm not real clear on exactly how it would work. To be honest, it kind of depends on whether I can get another tadpole in a similar stage of development this late in the season.

In your opinion, is that bad parenting? Should I leave it go and let her be sad about her sickly pet? Or should I try to fix it for her? My daughter is 7, if that matters.

I agree with @Kae. Good life lesson and I would not switch the pet.

 

[amberpi]

I think with a lot of things with parenting, the very fact you're trying to make the very best decisions makes you a good parent. There are so many kids with crap parents; that you're trying to nurse a tadpole back to health makes you a good one

 

[la79al]

I have replaced a dead fish without my 3 year old knowing. But a little googling says tadpoles can take quite a while to change into a frog so in your case, I would hold off.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

It's not bad parenting to do that. I wouldn't I would use it as one of the life moments. We lost our dog when my DD was about that age, she had not known life without him.

Kae

I'm sorry about your dog. Ours passed away 2 years ago and my daughter actually handled it really well. But things are more complicated now. What is different now is that her dad has abandoned her and her brother, disappeared from their lives and has not seen them or had any contact with them in over a year. My daughter seems to have som abandonment issues stemming from that and she no longer handles things well. Her therapist had a therapy dog that would sit in on sessions and that dog just passed, when I broke the news to my daughter she cried for 2 days straight, I have never seen a child so depressed. This was a dog that she saw for one hour, every other week. I just have this urge to shelter her from any additional pain, you know? But I feel like that is probably the wrong response.

 

[wenrob]

This is a stupid, random thing that is happening in my life--so it's perfect for the community board, right? My kids and I kept a couple small whiskey barrel ponds in the backyard this summer. We stocked them with tadpoles at the beginning of June, and those tadpoles turned into frogs and hopped away, all but one. When we started tearing down the ponds for the winter, there was still a tadpole left in one of the ponds. He has tiny little back legs, and what appears to be an arm-bud where one of his front legs should be.

We took him inside the house where we could keep a close eye on him and make sure he was eating--I thought maybe the other tadpoles and fish in the ponds were stealing his food and surely he would turn if he just had better access to food. Nope. It's been 3 weeks and nothing has changed, except that now my daughter is really attached to him and invested in his success and survival. I'm worried that somthing is wrong with the little guy and he is going to die and break my daughter's heart. So since I am off today, I was considering going to the pond supply store and buying another tadpole for her, to either replace the one that is in there or to just distract her, I'm not real clear on exactly how it would work. To be honest, it kind of depends on whether I can get another tadpole in a similar stage of development this late in the season.

In your opinion, is that bad parenting? Should I leave it go and let her be sad about her sickly pet? Or should I try to fix it for her? My daughter is 7, if that matters.

It’s not wrong to want to spare your child potential heartbreak but it not necessarily a good thing to do either. IMO it’s a teaching moment and a life lesson about nature. I assume you’ve seen Inside Out? Joy spends all her time trying to keep Sadness at bay and it creates all sorts of havoc. I explained to my kids that the moral of the story is sometimes you have to feel sadness in order to experience joy. If it were me I think I’d probably try to prepare my child for things not quite working out.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I think with a lot of things with parenting, the very fact you're trying to make the very best decisions makes you a good parent. There are so many kids with crap parents; that you're trying to nurse a tadpole back to health makes you a good one

Aww, you're sweet But before we go and recommend me for sainthood, I should admit that if I pulled a switcheroo I was going to feed the sickly tadpole to my turtles and let them dispose of the evidence for me. Circle of life.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I have replaced a dead fish without my 3 year old knowing. But a little googling says tadpoles can take quite a while to change into a frog so in your case, I would hold off.

Thanks. I found that on google too. Apparently there are "forever tadpoles" that for whatever reason never turn into frogs.

lol, this was supposed to be simple. Get a few tadpoles, watch them change. Enjoy them in our pond for a while and then they would hop away into the woods by the end of summer. Life had to go and throw a hitch in my plans and now we've got an extra pet.

 

[amberpi]

Aww, you're sweet But before we go and recommend me for sainthood, I should admit that if I pulled a switcheroo I was going to feed the sickly tadpole to my turtles and let them dispose of the evidence for me. Circle of life.

I'd get rid of the evidence too. I'm terrible though, and know this. The 2 year old spent at least 2 hours at WDW last week with his shoes on the wrong feet.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I'd get rid of the evidence too. I'm terrible though, and know this. The 2 year old spent at least 2 hours at WDW last week with his shoes on the wrong feet.

Hope you had a fantastic time at WDW in spite of the shoes! It's a delicate balance between wanting them to do things independently and wanting to correct the way they try to do those things. My kids have spent plenty of time with shoes on the wrong feet, clothes on backward, or wearing unseasonable clothing because I didn't want to discourage their independence. Or I just wanted to avoid a tantrum.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Bad parenting? No.
What I do the same? Ehhh... probalby not?

 

[mjkacmom]

I think your hearts in the right place, but I’d use it as a teaching moment (like how it wasn’t alone at the end). Then again, I’m one who took my kids to wakes of people they never met (friends’ parents) just to get them used to them.

 

[Kae]

So sorry for all she is going thru. Like said above tadpole exchange doesn't sound like it would be easy to pull off, then if she caught on would she then have trust issues with you? Parenting is so hard, second guessing all the time.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I would use it as a life lesson moment. The stakes here are so low - a sick tadpole is so, so much less heartbreaking than a mother or father or sibling with cancer, for instance.

My kids talked me into buying a water frog when they were about 7 and 3. The workers at the store were no help: "They only last about 3 months!" they said. "They are no trouble at all!" they said.

19 months later, and me having to empty the bowl, feed the frog everyday since little kids shouldn't handle bloodworms, and 2 months of us watching a tumor or cyst growing out of the frogs head, and my kids had their first experience with terminal illness and the death of a beloved pet.

In retrospect, discussing illness, death and dying with a 8 1/2 and 4 1/2 year old in terms of a 2-inch frog that lived in water bowl on our kitchen counter was much easier, and led into natural discussions about these topics down the road when beloved people in their lives passed away.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...I'm terrible though, and know this. The 2 year old spent at least 2 hours at WDW last week with his shoes on the wrong feet.

You're not terrible! I sent my nephew to his first day of preschool with two of the same shoe - as in both rights (or both lefts?...I'm not even sure) because I didn't know his mom had already bought the next size up in the same style. So when he found two "matching" shoes in the basket, I was just thrilled at his independence, and off we went. I didn't know there were two more still in there...

This is a stupid, random thing that is happening in my life--so it's perfect for the community board, right? My kids and I kept a couple small whiskey barrel ponds in the backyard this summer. We stocked them with tadpoles at the beginning of June, and those tadpoles turned into frogs and hopped away, all but one. When we started tearing down the ponds for the winter, there was still a tadpole left in one of the ponds. He has tiny little back legs, and what appears to be an arm-bud where one of his front legs should be.

We took him inside the house where we could keep a close eye on him and make sure he was eating--I thought maybe the other tadpoles and fish in the ponds were stealing his food and surely he would turn if he just had better access to food. Nope. It's been 3 weeks and nothing has changed, except that now my daughter is really attached to him and invested in his success and survival. I'm worried that somthing is wrong with the little guy and he is going to die and break my daughter's heart. So since I am off today, I was considering going to the pond supply store and buying another tadpole for her, to either replace the one that is in there or to just distract her, I'm not real clear on exactly how it would work. To be honest, it kind of depends on whether I can get another tadpole in a similar stage of development this late in the season.

In your opinion, is that bad parenting? Should I leave it go and let her be sad about her sickly pet? Or should I try to fix it for her? My daughter is 7, if that matters.

You are not a bad mom for considering replacing the little guy - Sometimes we simply know when our kids have just been through enough for right now. --- However, if he's eating, I wouldn't actually do it. We had an aquatic frog with some disease that gave him stubby little arms, and he lived for two years! So if his behavior is normal, I would not assume he's going to die. (Besides, if you replace him with a typical one, you might get caught in trying to explain how he grew quite so quickly all of a sudden.)

 

[mumto3girls]

Generally speaking, I am in the “life lesson” camp that tends to preach preparing your child for the path, not the other way around. However, I think that there are occasional exceptions to those general rules and as her mom, only you know how much loss is too much all at once. Maybe try preparing her for the expected outcome and then if the tadpole lives it will be a happy surprise? That seems to make the most sense to me, but I would understand if you chose the other route in this case.

 

[piglet1979]

I'm sorry about your dog. Ours passed away 2 years ago and my daughter actually handled it really well. But things are more complicated now. What is different now is that her dad has abandoned her and her brother, disappeared from their lives and has not seen them or had any contact with them in over a year. My daughter seems to have som abandonment issues stemming from that and she no longer handles things well. Her therapist had a therapy dog that would sit in on sessions and that dog just passed, when I broke the news to my daughter she cried for 2 days straight, I have never seen a child so depressed. This was a dog that she saw for one hour, every other week. I just have this urge to shelter her from any additional pain, you know? But I feel like that is probably the wrong response.

You are not a bad parent first off. It sounds like you do a lot for your kids. I am not sure what the best answer is after reading the quoted post you wrote. After your first post I thought it would be a life lesson as well.

My daughter also sees a therapist and I am very open with her therapist. I am sure I annoy her a lot. I email her with any issues we might see between appointments and also ask her advise if I am not sure what to do. Anxiety is all new for us and we just want to make sure we are not making anything worse for our DD. I would suggest asking her therapist what they thinks might be the best thing to do. I am sure she/he can give you some good advise.

 

[firefly_ris]

You are not a bad parent first off. It sounds like you do a lot for your kids. I am not sure what the best answer is after reading the quoted post you wrote. After your first post I thought it would be a life lesson as well.

My daughter also sees a therapist and I am very open with her therapist. I am sure I annoy her a lot. I email her with any issues we might see between appointments and also ask her advise if I am not sure what to do. Anxiety is all new for us and we just want to make sure we are not making anything worse for our DD. I would suggest asking her therapist what they thinks might be the best thing to do. I am sure she/he can give you some good advise.

I agree here -- my initial response was "don't switch, life lesson for sure" -- my kids have already dealt with the death of one of our dogs, and also had to learn/understand that each of our foster pets isn't our 'forever pet' and why we are fostering to help them, etc. That was hard but necessary. BUT, my children have not had the traumatic event of abandonment happen to them, so after I read that clarification, then I wasn't sure anymore, because it seems like just another blow at this fragile time in her life. I definitely second the idea of asking the therapist what they think about it.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I wouldn't do it. I hate that she is going through so much, but what if she figures it out? The fallout from that might be worse than telling her the truth.