Is this bad parenting? WWYD?

Would you pull a switcheroo on your child and replace a sickly/dead pet?

  • Yes

    Votes: 2 2.6%
  • No

    Votes: 64 82.1%
  • Maybe

    Votes: 12 15.4%

  • Total voters
    78
Others have already said it. I wouldn't lie about it. She's at the right age to start to learn (and needs to learn) the concept of death. It stinks, I get it. But you need to prepare her for this in life.
 
While it does seem like your heart is in the best of places OP, I would not do it. My concern would be how she would react if she found out you replaced the tadpole and thus lied to her. That could cause more problems then the thing dying.
 
I agree here -- my initial response was "don't switch, life lesson for sure" -- my kids have already dealt with the death of one of our dogs, and also had to learn/understand that each of our foster pets isn't our 'forever pet' and why we are fostering to help them, etc. That was hard but necessary. BUT, my children have not had the traumatic event of abandonment happen to them, so after I read that clarification, then I wasn't sure anymore, because it seems like just another blow at this fragile time in her life. I definitely second the idea of asking the therapist what they think about it.

I agree. First with asking the therapist. And two, only do it if you can swap out the tadpole for one that really looks to be the same. It's not like this is a beloved pet who lived with her for a few years and she'd KNOW the difference.

She has a whole lifetime ahead of her, in which she will learn about the lesson of death, loss & grief over and over. She will only 7 once. After all the other losses & abandonment she's already gone through, she doesn't need another one right now, especially of she's going to take it so hard. The inadvertent life lesson she may learn is that anything/anyone she cares about will always leave and break her heart. Not the "life lesson" you may be wanting her to learn.

A few years ago, I remember watching the Tony Awards, when actress Cecily Tyson won her first Tony at age 88. The audience naturally rose up in a standing ovation and much cheering for a much deserved award. But, what struck me, was how Cecily talked about living to an age where her mother, family, and most of per friends had all passed and couldn't share the award with her and how bittersweet the win was. :sad1:

Likewise, as I said, your DD will have a whole lifetime ahead of her to mourn & grieve the passing of beloved people & pets. A tadpole at age 7 shouldn't be one of them. :sad2: This incident should be a quick, forgettable blip in a child's life. Just my opinion.
 
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The answer to any parenting question asked on the DIS is, "Yes, you are a bad parent by doing/thinking of doing that. Your child will be scarred for life if you do it."

Of course, that is meant tongue-in-cheek.

Your child is 3. It doesn't really matter. Do what works for your family. Eventually, the tadpole/frog will croak and not wake up again.
 


I don't think it raises to the level of bad parenting but we would never consider doing that for our pets. When the time comes to put our dog down our son will know regardless of age. It is a part of life and our pets are not just interchangable.

A new dog we get isn't a replacement for the one we lost, it is just our next opportunity to rescue one.

The type of pet shouldn't matter except for maybe a pet rock.
 
The answer to any parenting question asked on the DIS is, "Yes, you are a bad parent by doing/thinking of doing that. Your child will be scarred for life if you do it."

Of course, that is meant tongue-in-cheek.

Your child is 3. It doesn't really matter. Do what works for your family. Eventually, the tadpole/frog will croak and not wake up again.
The child is 7.
 
With the age of your child, I would not switch the tadpole. Whatever happens is life, and at that age she should be able to handle it. Our dd & ds had to handle their kitty having a fateful accident, and did really well considering. We were all upset, but we tempered our grief to help them cope.
 


OMG Frogs are a huge nuisance, get them croaking in your yard and it will drive you crazy, get rid of all of them now. Birds carry the eggs and will drop them in a pool of water, we have had to fight them before. Very hard to locate
 
Not bad parenting at all. DD has had fish for several years, most of them she won at local carnivals. One of them lived several years, she really loved that fish. Well, we think a new fish that was introduced into the tank somehow killed her fish with his luscious fins (seriously, looked like gorgeous hair swaying in the water lol). We had a little ceremony to say goodbye to Brock Obama. Played a little song and everything as we flushed him down the toilet. I could not believe how upset she got, but it was a good experience. We went and got her a new fish the next weekend. Maybe let this be a learning experience, and offer to have her help you pick out a new one. It has been a few years now, and she still talks about that fish sometimes.
 
My mistake.

My response is still the same. OP should do what works best for their family and forget everybody's parenting opinions here from the Peanut Gallery.
But the OP came here to ask a very specific parenting question, should everyone have answered “do what you want?” One angle I didn’t think of is her realizing the switch and the broken trust (although I don’t know how one could switch out a deformed frog with a normal one and not be questioned).
 
I would just do what you're doing and work it through with your kids, no matter what happens to the little guy. I wouldn't switch him out, feed him to anything else or flush him, etc. It sounds like maybe he's got congenital malformations? What message would that send to your kids - discard if not perfect?
 
What will be, will be. Kids, unfortunately, have to learn to deal with loss. Just like the rest of us. Sheltering them from those losses will ultimately not help, though it's easier for us and easier on our hearts to do so. So I get it! But I wouldn't do it.

I volunteer with a nonprofit that send families with an ill parent on a trip together, so they can create lasting memories. I cry every time I learn that parents choose not to share a difficult diagnosis with their kids until it's the very last moment. These poor kids are stunned. And they're robbed of all that time to process and grieve and bond and talk to their ill parent. The ones that are told, included, are heartbroken, yes. But they seem to do much better in the long run.
 
My mom got my younger daughter a fish for a pet, right before we were going away on vacation (great planning, mom) and she kept it while we were away. But she hyped up how great the fish was for days before, so my daughter got very excited about it. It died while we were on vacation. So my mom got my daughter an "air plant" - not a real one, a plastic one! And she tried to get my daughter to believe it "would never die as long as she took care of it." I think my daughter was about 6-7 when all this happened. I just told her the truth and also told her Grammy was sorry the fish died and was worried that she would be sad. Then I told her it was okay to feel sad, and that Grammy was nuts.
 
Well, if you are a bad parent, so am I. I switched out goldfish several times. DD won a goldfish at a Halloween carnival. She brought it home and she was so excited. She went to school, I got home before here, annnnnnddd it was dead. So I ran to the pet store and got another one, put it in the bowl and all was well. We did move the bowl as the guy said it could have been too close to the heat/air. I did this at least 3 times!!!!! Then I told dh, we have to tell her this time and maybe go get a different kind of fish.

I mean if I had known that goldfish are notorious for dying on you, I wouldn't have started the whole mess! Don't know how hardy tadpoles are but might want to take that into consideration.

Kids learn about death. And no amount of knowing your cat died or your fish died or your bird died or whatever will prepare them for losing a grandparent they are close to or an aunt or uncle they adore or a cousin that is close to them in age. It just won't. So if buying that baby a tadpole will keep her from being sad and feeling abandoned, go for it.
 
But the OP came here to ask a very specific parenting question, should everyone have answered “do what you want?” One angle I didn’t think of is her realizing the switch and the broken trust (although I don’t know how one could switch out a deformed frog with a normal one and not be questioned).
You posted your opinion. I posted mine. It doesn't really matter what we think. What matters is what the OP & his/her spouse/co-parent decides to do. That's all that matters. So the OP is looking for some validation that he/she isn't being a horrible parent by replacing a tadpole in order to avoid telling the kid that the tadpole died. BIG DEAL! It is not an existential crisis.
 
You posted your opinion. I posted mine. It doesn't really matter what we think. What matters is what the OP & his/her spouse/co-parent decides to do. That's all that matters. So the OP is looking for some validation that he/she isn't being a horrible parent by replacing a tadpole in order to avoid telling the kid that the tadpole died. BIG DEAL! It is not an existential crisis.

And at the end of the day, NONE of it really matters because the OP went ahead and replaced the tadpole.

Problem solved.
 

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