Kids quitting extracurricular activities

Okay, I'm going to go against the grain here.

Sometimes kids quit sports because they feel like they aren't getting it or are getting left behind by their peers. Is that maybe what is going on? If it is something she loves to do, nothing is to be gained by giving up. She's old enough to vocalize to you why she doesn't want to do it anymore and "I just don't like it any more" won't give you your answers.

If a child is really unhappy or doesn't like the sport, sure, finish the season then let them drop it. If they loved the sport and all of a sudden don't, I'd be curious as to why.
I agree. There are so many things I quit as a kid that in hindsight I wish my parents would have made me stick with. I didn't quit for any huge reason, just didn't feel like it for the most part, which resulted in me missing out on a lot of experiences etc. I'm not into forcing it if a kid is 100% adamant and is just miserable but I'm generally more in the camp of if you can do it without being miserable etc., it's generally better to do it.
 
I want my kids in a sport. 3 of my 4 kids love sports and would play every single one if I let them. My other one was a fight to get her to do anything. My rule is that you will do one, their pick. She tried a bunch of different sports (swimming, soccer, gymnastics) and decided on basketball. Now she loves it and is even on a club team. She is the top scorer and hardly anyone can touch her. Once they start high school I give them the option of playing sports or finding a job. So far my high schooler is choosing sports. I really do believe that it’s a bad thing for kids to be idle. It gives them too much time to make bad decisions. (This is just my opinion, I don’t judge what you do with your kids every one does what they think is best)
 
I want my kids in a sport. 3 of my 4 kids love sports and would play every single one if I let them. My other one was a fight to get her to do anything. My rule is that you will do one, their pick. She tried a bunch of different sports (swimming, soccer, gymnastics) and decided on basketball. Now she loves it and is even on a club team. She is the top scorer and hardly anyone can touch her. Once they start high school I give them the option of playing sports or finding a job. So far my high schooler is choosing sports. I really do believe that it’s a bad thing for kids to be idle. It gives them too much time to make bad decisions. (This is just my opinion, I don’t judge what you do with your kids every one does what they think is best)
Sure, don't be idle. But why does it have to be sports? Why not music, drama, scouts, academic team, robotics, speech team, or any number of other options? Why not let the kid find something that interests them? Not all kids are that into sports.
 
Sure, don't be idle. But why does it have to be sports? Why not music, drama, scouts, academic team, robotics, speech team, or any number of other options? Why not let the kid find something that interests them? Not all kids are that into sports.

We live in a small city (some would even call town). There are no other things. There is a lady that teaches singing lessons and she tried that out but she is too shy. I also don’t think kids are not active enough so playing a sport forces them to be active. It’s not a bad thing.
 


We also told our DD you have to find something to participate in, we did not care what it was just something that interests you and once you join, you have to finish it out for the season or term or year. Having kids interested in something is important other than them staring at the phone or sitting in front of the TV. It also build confidence and teachs them to be a part of something, and how to work together and get along with others. So we did Girl Scout( elementary school), Dance lessons, (elementary and middle school) cheerleading ( middle school 1 year she hated it), Color guard (4 years high school), Government( 1 yr.) , French club (3 yr.) art (1 yr.), kids and youth program at church, plus kids and youth choir at church. Even in college she join a women's group that supported the domestic violence shelter, lots of bake sale and rummage sales all proceed went to the shelter...

You said "She does not want to do team but would be able to stay in her current group with no problem" could it be that she does not want to leave her friends behind if she was to make the team? or maybe she a little nervous to move up, or worrying that would not make the team? I would have a sit down talk with her, about why she wants to quit, and a discussion on quitting, not interested, and moving on to something else... this is could be a life lesson for later on, about building confidence, getting in front of a group, or when things aren't going right how to deal with a problem and quitting is not always the best solution...

My DD was in dance and came home and said I don't want to dance anymore out of the blue and I was completely baffled by this, so I called the dance instructor and talked to her, and she said that DD was ready to move into toe, and also that there was a local play that she wanted some of the Girls to audition for and DD happened to be one of them. I let this information soak in and just let it go for a couple of days. Then I started a conversation with DD, and let her tell me about all this... At the end DD did not want to move into toe she wanted to try a different form of dance plus just reg. ballet, and did not want to do the play at all, and said she felt she had to do it that's why she wanted to quit, so we went together to talk to the instructor and she kept dancing...at the end of middle school she came to me to tell me she wanted to try out for Colorguard, and when she made the team, then we had to discuss which one she was going to do... Colorguard was year around, and they practiced 3 times a weeks, football games, competitions, summer camps, working on costumes, flags, back drop's, props...the list went on and on.... no way to do both... she chose Colorguard.
 
What's so special about finishing out a season or term? Why should a kid have to finish one out if they are unhappy, don't enjoy it, or just feel overscheduled?
Many teams have more that enough kids to compete. A kid leaving the team opens up playing time for others. If it's an arts activity where's the urgency in continuing? Even with something like an upcoming dramatic performance, there's an understudy to take over.
Committment, pure and simple. My dd wasn't allowed to be 'over scheduled'. She also didn't have a job....school was her job. I'm seeing a lot of kids that can't finish anything. If they don't 'like' their job, they quit. Heaven forbid something get hard or unpleasant. Sometimes you have to get through a bad patch. Life is hard. When we allow our kids to just quit, they don't learn discipline, or how to stick it out. Dd will now tell me that she was glad she wasn't allowed to just quit. That, looking back, we made the right choices. Of course my older dd continually asks me why I let her quit various things when she was growing up...oh, I don't know, other than you hated sports and whined continually. She had to finish a program and then not sign up for the next one, if she didn't want to. But suddenly, 20 years later, I allowed her to quit too soon!!! Ah, no. Not the case.
 
What's so special about finishing out a season or term? Why should a kid have to finish one out if they are unhappy, don't enjoy it, or just feel overscheduled?
Many teams have more that enough kids to compete. A kid leaving the team opens up playing time for others. If it's an arts activity where's the urgency in continuing? Even with something like an upcoming dramatic performance, there's an understudy to take over.

1. My kids have been on a LOT of teams where 1 or 2 kids quitting has made it really hard on the rest of the team. Lacrosse is still a growing sport around here, so my kids' teams tend to only have about 15 kids. There are 10 players on the field at a time, so that doesn't leave many subs. It's so obvious how tired the kids are in the 2nd half when they start falling behind because they are exhausted while the other team has 10 more kids to sub in. Even just that one kid who decided not to quit on his team will help make a difference.

2. In Cheer, we need EVERY SINGLE GIRL to be present at practice and competitions or else their whole stunt group has to sit out, and if one girl quits midway, the entire routine will be ruined. Coaches spend a LOT of time choreographing every single 8 count for each girl, who has a specific place and motion for each count. That is ~about~ 180 movements/motions/steps PER GIRL, per routine. If a girl quits midway, the entire routine needs to be reworked, not to mention leaving her stunt group/s without a base, backspot, or flyer. The girls not only learn WHAT to do in a stunt or pyramid, but they are also learning each other's body movements, body language, and facial expressions as they work together in a stunt group. They get used to the size and weight of a flyer and their muscle memory works to instinctively know how hard to push the flyers feet, where to put their hands, and how soft or hard the flyer will be coming down. My daughter has subbed in for absent girls before in stunt groups and nearly flung a very small, light girl to the ceiling in a stunt once because she was used to backing a heavier girl - scared the bezejus out out of their whole group lol and us coaches - and another time almost dropped a flyer (which she NEVER does) because the girl twisted the opposite way of DD's regular flyer and DD was not expecting her to go that way. DD got a bloody nose and black eye in the process.

So, yes, it makes a HUGE difference in a lot of sports to stick out the season and be a good teammate. Not to mention, why would a parent over-schedule their kid in the first place? That's a parent problem, and why should the rest of the team/group suffer? IF I did that, and I wouldn't because my kids are only allowed to play one sport in each season so they can focus on it and not unfairly burden their team by not being able to fully commit, I would apologize to my kid and tell them they need to suck it up and do both activities until their are done, and I won't do that to them again. Personal Responsibility at work.....
 


I let my kid quit the week before a performance. And he had my blessing.

He was in a program called Band Builders. A local music school matches kids up with others of comparable ability and interests to form rock bands. Each band learns 3-4 songs and they all gather to perform for a concert at the end. DS had enjoyed previous sessions, but was not progressing in this particular session. I didn't know why. But, I was going to miss the concert, so I asked to watch their final rehearsal. Practice sessions were generally closed to parents, so I had never watched a session before. Well, my eyes were opened as to why DS was not enjoying it. The band coach was horrible! Every word out of his mouth was negative. He was yelling. He would call kids out and belittle them in front of their peers. The kids were obviously not enjoying it.

On the way home, I told DS that he would not be coming back. And I told him why. He does not have to continue to be talked to in that manner. That was not coaching, that was intimidation. I expect a coach to offer constructive criticism, and I expect my kid to be able to accept it and learn from it. But, this guy was bordering on being verbally abusive.

Requiring a kid to honor a commitment is one thing, but requiring him to submit to that type of conditioning is unreasonable.

DS was thrilled to miss the concert. The coach ended up filling in on DS's part. And I could care less.

So, he held out the entire session, even through the dress rehearsal, and had to miss the best event in whole process? :confused3
 
So, he held out the entire session, even through the dress rehearsal, and had to miss the best event in whole process? :confused3
There was a girl who’s religious parents made her quit the HS musical after they saw the first performance, she was a featured dancer. They had to scramble and teach another cast member the routines for the next 3 shows. She was SO upset, putting in all of that time and effort, and then not being able to perform.
 
We live in a small city (some would even call town). There are no other things. There is a lady that teaches singing lessons and she tried that out but she is too shy. I also don’t think kids are not active enough so playing a sport forces them to be active. It’s not a bad thing.
That would sort of be a bummer for me as a kid being forced to do a sport simply because there wasn't much else out there. It happens all over of course depending on where you are located at.

Me--sports just weren't my forte (I did acrobats for a year or two when I was really little) but I loved loved loved arts stuff. So much so that a few of my friends and I who were also into art talked it over with our art teacher in middle school and for those 2 years we formed an art club. We paid a fairly minimal TBH upfront fee for materials and took the late bus home but after school once a week we got to delve into art..making jewelry, working with clay, dying silk, etc

Now I do agree on the activity part and it isn't quite the same as it was when I was a kid in elementary school..we rode our bikes all the time and our parents let us go out without cell phones (we just had pay phones back then) provided we were home by dark, etc and they didn't always know where we were--just that we went to so and so's house and sometimes we'd end up at the park or if the park was the first place then our parents would know exactly where we were but the park was a lot of trails, etc but sometimes kids are just more into other things that aren't an organized sport. They can still get activity levels up and do other non-organized sports as well--a general comment.

I was in girl scouts when I was younger but only for 2 years. Unfortunately there was no troop mom who could take over. The only way I could have gone further was to repeat the year I had just completed with another troop mom.
 
How do you decide when it is time for your child to be done with an extracurricular activity? DD (almost 10) has been in gymnastics for almost a year and a half. They test in May and she would most likely have the option to move up to team. She does not want to do team but would be able to stay in her current group with no problem. Except she has decided she wants to quit. I don't care either way. DH says DD loves gymnastics too much (she is constantly cartwheeling through the living room or flipping over couches) and will regret quitting. He thinks we should make her continue for at least a bit longer. So how do you decide when is the right time to let a child move on?

If it's the natural end of the season or year of the program, I would let her quit. She will have done it for two years, which is long enough for her to know whether she likes it or not. If you are really ambivalent about it let her take the summer off and decide when the fall season starts back up.

Maybe you would want to tell her that she needs to try a different physical activity to replace it. Maybe she'd like to try a sport, or dance or ice skating instead? I think it's good for kids to try different things.

On a personal level, my parents decided that I should take piano lessons when I was in first grade. I hated it from day one, and by about 4th grade, I absolutely loathed piano lessons, refused to practice and hated the teacher (who was a very intimidating older woman). I really was terrible at piano, and never could figure out how to read the music, which was my whole problem. But my parents insisted that I had to continue. They paid a ton of money for me to continue lessons until 8th grade. It really was a waste. I hated it and they refused to let me quit. I cried every day when I was supposed to practice, I cried every week when I went to piano lessons. Finally the teacher said to my parents She hates this? Why force it? I'm so glad that they finally let me quit.

I don't think you should force a kid to keep taking part in an activity that they hate. I do think that a child should finish out the sessions, year or season of the activity instead of quitting mid stream.
 
So, he held out the entire session, even through the dress rehearsal, and had to miss the best event in whole process? :confused3

There was a girl who’s religious parents made her quit the HS musical after they saw the first performance, she was a featured dancer. They had to scramble and teach another cast member the routines for the next 3 shows. She was SO upset, putting in all of that time and effort, and then not being able to perform.

Because rehearsals were closed, I had no idea how bad it was. DS said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to disappoint me. The group was miserable. I have no doubt DS was not the only kid feeling this way. The long sad faces along with kids actively avoiding the coach says a lot.

DS was not upset in the least. He was relieved. He had been brow beat so badly by the coach that he believed his playing was awful and he would be embarrassed. He told me as much.

The dynamic was sour. I witnessed the coach telling the kids their performance was going to be bad. What I saw was not effective coaching, but shaming.

I will not be a part of conditioning my kids to be afraid to tell me that they don't like something. At the age DS was at the time, I don't think he could have explained exactly why he hated it, but suffice it to say, this coach was toxic.
 
My dd7 has already mentioned not wanting to go to dance class anymore even though when I do bring her to class she has fun. I’ve already told her that we committed to the recital and bought the costume so she will do it. There’s only 6 classes left till the recital.
 

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